Monday, November 7, 2011

I Was In a Closet Said The Gay Man

I reflect back on the original objective and goal of my blog.... which is below...

I am confronting the terrifying question: “Am I Gay"? Unbeknownst to me, this figurative closet enclosed me years ago. I start this blog in hopes of moving toward a greater sense of peace and clarity. With the exception of some random stories interspersed as comic relief, enclosed are the anecdotes of my standing, lingering, crying, praying, yelling, and laughing through this closet we call “gayness”. I hope these stories will entertain, provoke, and inspire.


Over the past 3.5 years, I feel confident that I have reached a sense of peace and clarity about my sexual orientation. I am indeed gay, and have reached a sense of satisfaction and relief.  This transformation necessitated moving through some excruciating, yet important, stages. Interestingly I seemed to have moved through many of these stages rather quickly, the latest one being my 'teenage promiscuity' stage, one that my therapist insightfully referred to as my '35 year old teenage phase'. Indeed, my need to hook up and explore was part of that phase of my life which I did not experience....... I have also graduated through many phases apart from that one, including feeling comfortable going on dates with gay men.  In my mind, I have reached a pattern of 'normalcy' which makes me feel much more confident in who I am, and who I am still becoming, and I am grateful for all support from friends I have had along the way.
 
Although I end this particular 3.5 year chapter of 'uncertainty and fear' with a sense of hope, my next chapter is not necessarily unique to just gay men... the chapter of dating.  To me, I think that the issues I now deal with are not gayness or 'coming out' unique, which is part of my primary reason for this being my last blog entry, at least of *this* blog.
 
The title of this entry says it all: "I Was In A Closet Said the Gay Man", the concise and direct answer to the question asked a few years ago "Art Thou In a Closet, Sayeth the Str8 Man".  And that is all.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Job completed... for now :)

I am clearly writing like a mad-man today, clearly a sign that I needed to vent my emotions, and think through some issues in my life. I feel better now :)

I'm going to Home Depot now. Interior design projects are calling my name.

I may check out the ballroom dancing venues around town as well. It's time to get back on the dance floor for some Tango, Rumba, and Cha-Cha action.

Watch out world. I'm back.

Unfinished Business

I still have some unresolved business to conduct: mentioning to some friends I'm gay. Although I know that 'coming out' is not required necessarily for everybody in one's life, but a few of my friends in the city I used to live in, I have been distancing myself from them out of fear.... fear that I haven't told them yet, and what they would think.

Although I do understand that coming out to everybody is not necessary, and sometimes not even advised... my therapist did share with me that if the withholding of this information is preventing you from reaching out to the people you love, it's time to share.  This advice is worth it's weight in gold.

I have learned the opposite lesson as well.... which was a bit tough pill to swallow.... is that you should not come out to people you don't know very well. Fuck, it makes the other person so uncomfortable, and is so inappropriate. I mean, this whole theme going on in my head, about wanting acceptance., etc.. plays itself out in this situation as well... when I'm almost wanting to tell people because I see it as a way to share, and connect.

Well, never again.

I can recall 3 instances: 1 with a guy I had met through some networking; 1 at the gym, and 1 college roommate I hadn't spoken with in 15 years.  For the first guy, outing myself seemed appropriate, because he asked about my dating life, and if I had any luck meeting women on the dating circuit. It was awkward for him, but not for me. He didn't have an issue with it, it was just a bit weird sharing that information with somebody I barely knew.  For the second guy, I was glutton for punishment because after a few beers, I inserted my 'outing' into conversation, off a tangential conversation that was only somewhat related (if at all) to my sexuality. That went over like a lead balloon, and I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.  And for my college roommate..... I again felt the need to bring it up over email, after he asked in a joking way how many women I've send to the cardiologist given the hearts I had broken over the years during my dating.  Well, that was a bit more related to my sexuality, so I decided to mention to him, using the same humor... to bounce off his... 'well, i don't know about sending women to the cardiologist, but I did send them to the psychiatriast.. because I came out of the closet a few years ago'. Well. I guess I did not *really* have to say anything, but I do admit, he somewhat opened the door and invited me in for that one.  Needless to say, and perhaps not surprisingly, I haven't heard back from him, and perhaps I never will. Not a loss necessarily, but just another reality of feeling different from others, and my life's path taking an alternative route, that others may not know how to respond or even deal with it.

Now, despite those difficult situations of coming out, I would say that 90% of my other interactions with friends and family have gone pretty darn well, so I say to those who were uncomfortable or disapproving of my life: it's your loss.

Today will be a new beginning

OK. I feel resolute about how I'm going to improve my life.  As I removed myself from my stressful week, I have realized that I have shoved aside the hobbies I pursued before I relocated, and I'm not sure why. Part of my rationale was I needed to adjust to the new life as a tenure-track professor. So, I have been at it for a year, and pretty much have my routine down. I have moved into a new house and I'm all settled. I've reconnected with friends, family, and am starting to feel settled. So, what's next? I have been unhealthily pursuing the online dating/hook up scene, trying to fill a void. A void that exists, which is odd, because an outsider would not think of a void existing given my busy schedule, social life, and such. But, reality is not necessarily what appears at the surface, indeed. This wake-up call seems needed..... the wake-up call that I have gathered from listening to those around me.... either my friends, my family, or strangers on my blog. I have absorbed all of this, and established some patterns, patterns that need to change. Although I do not have control over what guys want to go on dates with me, I do have complete control over designing and pursuing hobbies that fulfill me. I mean, I look around and see what surrounds me, the interests which fill my soul and spirit with contentment, and wonder why the fuck I don't end up doing those, when I'm feeling a little lonely. Shit, what has been my fucking problem? I shouldn't be so hard on myself; I am glad that I have at least come to this important conclusions. Interesting that it took some courage to be vulnerable and taking risks.. such as blogging, asking guys out, being myself (trying to at least), listening to others, trying to be patient, confronting my own limitations and struggles, confronting these nuances of my personality... it has led me to ideas of how to build up my happiness again.

I think back to the journey of my coming out, and the victories which have grown out of struggles. I have had many 'phoenix rising' moments, born directly out of struggles, painful, and awkward experiences.  I have tried to listen to my heart and spirit during these moments, to help direct me to the next steps, and thus far, that listening has led to progress.

So, let's think back to some key 'come to Jesus moments'. A recent one was the way I was surfing online sites and contacting guys. Once I began to actually read their profiles and contact them with questions, and genuine interest.... (imagine that), I got more responses.  Another huge insight that I learned when I came out of the closet, and was experimenting with hookups... I came to a stark realization that fantasies and realities rarely match up in hook up situations, if at all. I was naive to think otherwise, but hell, it was new for me, now I know.  I still fall into that trap, though.. especially with online communications. It is so easy to 'fill in the blanks' for a guy using our own fantasies of how we would like the ideal guy to act. I even catch myself assuming somebody should act a certain way, simply because that is way that I act in that situation. Shit. All these lessons. Maybe one of these days I can put these together successfully, while at the same time, rolling with the punches.

The next insight to put on my list happened this week, I cannot necessarily take credit for... was the feedback from various interactions from online folks, as well as a close friend.. is that my eagerness and enthusiasm could be misconstrued as maybe being desperate, or coming across too strongly, which is a turn off to the other person. I cannot count how many fucking times I did this in previous relationships with women... it's one of my blind spots, and I had no idea that it would negatively impact. I guess this, in addition to people pleasing, is not the best combination in the world.

I realize that I need to take on a bit more detachment, probably for my own self-preservation, as well as respect for the other person's space.  This goes beyond just my dating.. it applies also to my academic work. I put my passion into everything I do, and with that, my emotions, my strengths, my weaknesses, my expectations, and my hopes.  That is a lot of shove onto a research project, a collaboration.... a relationship, or a friendship. And, although this intensity I mostly internalize...... it manifests itself in my insecurity toward others, my ability to trust, my inability to let go, my need to control. It's fucking a pain in the ass, and the last thing I want to do is turn people off to the true person I am, just because I'm insecure, wanting love, acceptance, and all of that.

I'm sitting here almost shocked at myself about these floods of insights and connections I am making about myself, seeming to just jump onto the page. But the real issue now, is how to cope, and what are the next steps I can do to improve my life, and decrease the negative effects of my personality/behavior challenges on my own quality of life, as well as others? I'm either way overthinking these things, or I have actually hit the jackpot with respect to acknowledging some of my issues, or a combination of the two.

One thing I'm thinking about doing, as to the suggestion of a fellow blogger, is to take a break from online dating scene. This is great advice, and I know that is what I need to do. Clearly the fact that I'm hesitant to do that indicates that I have a bit of a control/loneliness/neediness issue... at least with respect to thinking I need to find a boyfriend or be in a relationship.  This 'guy chase' mentality has taken over a part of my life which is starting to have negative impacts on other parts. That means it's fucking time to change things up, and prevent further self-victimization, self-loathing shit.  It's time for a new day.

I'm going to start today.

An Objective Re-Evaluation

This has been quite a week of activity leading to stressful emotions for me..... grandmom had to go to the hospital; I underestimated the time it would take to write lectures that were due and had to do a bit of cramming, so I wore myself out; I had a date with a guy I have a crush on, and my hopes kinda made my head spin; I am getting good insights and advice from folks on my blog as well as those I correspond with online about the importance of being happy being single, or I will exude some type of desperation, neediness, and loneliness. Fuck,

This is making me re-evaluate things a bit. I mean, I consider myself a gregarious, compassion, outgoing, extraverted person. Ask my wide circle of friends..  But, I also have this other side of me which has been glaringly obvious to me this week... to me, and obviously to others.. that kinda makes me nervous, and wonders whether I truly know who I am, or how I interact with others.

I'm not sure the root of the problem, or how to resolve it. I think I just need to start filling my life with hobbies again. For example, I had a dream last night that I got involved again in my ballroom dancing. That was such a great hobby that led to so much happiness, fulfillment, challenge, friendships, and fellowship.  I love the combination of music, dancing, conversation, letting go.. and just having fun.

Fuck, I get so immersed in work obligations, that I get lost in my head; which is a big part of the problem. I lose sight of my own needs, what makes me happy.... Once I figure that out, things could improve dramatically in my personal life.

Oddly, despite all of this, I have met a few more guys on line...like, in a non-hook up kind of way, where they're interested in going out for a beer. This is all good; I just need do detach myself, chill out and bit, and have fun with the dates.

Yes, I think that is what is so strange. I am so worried about finding a BF, and I can't even enjoy the moment of a date, and I keep thinking forward and ahead to 'relationship'. I think people can sniff that out from a mile away.

I hope that I can reconcile myself soon; and I hope that my friend wants to go out on a second date. the ball is in his court, and I will gladly keep it there for now... ....because all of these insights from the past few days have taught me to take a step back and not take this all so fucking seriously.

Yes: 2 primary qualities about myself: 1) I have a tendency to be very tightly 'wound' and 2) I am a people pleaser. Those two in combination, when I'm stressed, feeling needy: is a total disaster waiting to happen. God help me. I'm glad I have identified some things to work on now :)

thanks, all for your comments. will help me get onto a new tack, and I hope life will start improving now :)

Friday, October 28, 2011

Note to Self

Bring the last few blog entries to my therapist next week. I'll get my money's worth out of the discussion, without a doubt.  Perhaps I'll come out ahead this time :)

Re-Evaluating, Re-Grouping = Overanalysis or Useful Self-Reflection? LOL. Jesus. I need a chill pill.

I woke up this morning with insights that jolted me out of my ridiculous, immature self-pitying about chasing guys and waiting for dates...Actually, what happened was I woke up with an irritation about a colleague of mine, who appears to be very non-comittal to teaching in my elective, despite my working for their course overtime.  Part of this issue is definitely ME.. where I'm *expecting* things in return, which causes me to get mad at the other person without reason, any information, and I end up creating these stories in my mind that ends up making me feel irritated, mad, and like I'm being the victim. 

It's ridiculous, selfish, and self-defeatist. These insights jolted me into thinking: I can't believe that I let external events/people control my emotions; I end up internalizing, and taking the blame, and getting mad..... without being patient, doing further inquiries about the situation. I end up getting mad, feeling sorry for myself, and end up with my 'panties in a wad' for lack of better term.

With this insight, I got angry at myself, but also, I started to treat myself with a bit more respect, and realize that I should surround myself with people who do care about me, and if I do sense that I am not getting something in return, to try not to judge the other person, and try not to blame myself. Interesting. When I am disappointed in not having my expectations met, I go 2 paths: 1) I get frustrated at the other person and want to blame them (if I know them well); or 2) I blame myself and play the victim. Then I turn all passive-aggressive like, and my brain gets fried.

Of course, all of this is happening during a week when I'm in HIGH gear at work with lots of deadlines and stress, and my own self-imposed expectations, which is not making things any easier. I keep writing in my journal as a way to let off steam, which is actually helping tremendously.

I'm feeling vulnerable now. Honestly, I feel vulnerable, with these naked emotions.....Am I just over-perceptive? Why am I always seeming to have to readjust my expectations, my emotions... and re-evaluate and re-group? Is this just part of life?