Abercrombie Gays at my Fingertips

Facebook is definitely the social networking phenomenon of this decade..... especially when it allows us to peer into the lives of people we have never even met. I was fascinated this morning by a hot gay rugby player who is friends with 2 people I know........ Rubgy Dude had some pretty sweet pictures of hot and nice looking guys out partying and having good times.  Photos like these play into my fantasy of some type of gay scene out there that I am completely missing out on. I mean, these look like nice normal guys who just happened to be gay. They're out having a good time, etc.... and I'm thinking: WTF? how did they meet each other? Why are they out having fun and I'm still struggling to network? How am I supposed to meet up with these people? Do I even want to hang out with them, or is it that I just think they're hot and they are playing into my little fantasy of the types of guys I would want to date? 

Contemplative Weariness

It's a quiet Thanksgiving Eve as I sit and reflect on my life in quiet solitude with a winter breeze blowing across the front porch, leaves rustle. I am not sure how I would describe my mood..... pensive, melancholy, content, a little bit defeated, resigned... I am not quite sure. I sit here feeling content about my career, my daily routine, my personal growth. I think back to all I have learned and gone through the past 3 years.. And here I sit.........

I feel like I am finally living an honest and full life. To myself and to God, I have shown all my cards. I am not ashamed, but proud. I am not necessarily as fearful as I used to be, but I do have a weariness about me. This weariness is like the leftover fear that stabbed me so sharply 3 years ago... this weariness is a familiar weariness.... almost a complacent composite of all gay fears in one feeling.. but the fears have muted. They still play in the background, but I have resigned myself to just accept the music.

I think back to those raw emotions of terror... I truly mean terror..... thinking back to some of my mental states of sobbing and being petrified of how my life was going to change.  I was in such a state of fear that I could not think straight, I felt guilty, I felt dishonest, I felt disgusted with myself......

In stark contrast to those terrible moments, my thoughts and fears of my sexuality evokes more of a weariness, complacency, and comfort....... perhaps my soul and spirit has mercifully transformed the original jagged edged fears into tolerable, muted fears.. but muted fears that I can put onto a shelf, in clear view, but can talk about them now. I guess these fears used to be covered with the cobwebs and dust of my insecurities. Now, they are displayed quietly, yet inconspicuously on the shelf... ever present, yet not necessarily intrusive.

So here I sit. I have all my cards in front of me, my fears are quietly, objectively, sitting on a shelf.. Looking objectively at my life, my ducks are all in a row. I have nothing that I should be worried about or even complaining about..

But, I still feel an emptiness, a void... which, to my dismay, is having difficulty being filled despite my own volition and attempts to search out companionship and intimacy. Alas, I may search it out in misguided way... but what other way would there be? How can I control this? Why can I not advance in this part of my life as I do in other parts of my life?

This is truly the lesson..  Is this the time when I resign to the forces of life, to God, to the Universe, and hope that my self-acceptance will result in a fulfilling life of some type of companionship? Is companionship my destiny? Naturally, I think that the next step in becoming comfortable with my sexuality would be to seek out companionship. But, when practically speaking, when all my steps toward that lead nowhere, I am left with no choice but to go inward, and accept ones circumstances with a sort of resignation, melancholy.  And it is to that which inspires this sort of, I don't know... weariness.... that does not quite want to go away.

Thankfully, this weariness leads me to a contemplative state of mind during which I can reflect upon the direction of the next step of my spiritual growth... which I believe.... is probably what I need: some spiritual guidance.

Intertwined

I was in a museum, caught between worlds of insecurity and warmth, uncertainty and certitude. I was brought back to a time when I would try to hold onto a world and conform, and this time, was easier to let go. I was saved by a past I only know through history, through ancestry, and I gained my roots again. Upon this planting of my feet, I let go, walked out, and embraced myself. This was a time of clarity, a time of starkness, a time of confidence. Although it could have been bittersweet, it was a time of peace and thanksgiving. Though tears were shed, smiles were born and time was a bit more alive. Art was beautiful, colors stood out, details indescribable, a Monet, a Kandinsky.... swimming in my thoughts as I let go, prayed, and searched my soul for a sense of being. This frame of time, although I appeared as a man alone in a museum, I was shaped, and transformed, even a fraction of a bit, to appreciate how I fit into this world and how to be, how to embrace, and how to let go.

Reflections: Letting go in order to be myself

I am learning how to let go, and just be... it has been quite a good week. As I dose down on my meds slowly and safely, I am also becoming mindful of my emotional boundaries and triggers. I am also forgiving myself for not always being on top of my game, and if I have had a long day, not to push myself harder to keep working. Academia can be grinding if we cannot set our own boundaries. Tonight I had confidence in myself that I could put my work aside, even though I am 'behind' what I originally scheduled, in favor of renting a movie and relaxing.  I am sure it will serve me better in the end, although I still have quite a mountain of work to fit in....somehow...in the morning.

With my medication dose down, my appetite, oddly, has increased.. which is frustrating with trying to watch my weight watchers points.  My productivity at work has increased... although I go in pretty intense spurts, followed by some exhaustion.. I find it hard to moderate my pace when my deadlines are so close. Academia requires self-regulation,, which is in itself, a challenge at times.

I have let go of an online toxic friendship that was causing me many ups and downs. Although I went back in the past, this time I am letting go for good. It served it's purpose, but is now just causing grief, distrust, anger, and manipulation. Not a good combination given I am sensitive and get very caught up in the winds of intense emotions.  Letting go of this has also allowed me to let go of my most recent phase of endless Craigs List searching for sex.... a fantasy gone completely unchecked.

I had no fucking clue that exploring ones sexuality would lead to such trials, tribulations, and disappointment. I had no idea that it would be so difficult to find a date, or that the most accessible, and I dare to say 'only' accessible scene is the online hook-up.  I have almost resigned myself to giving up finding a date.... and just try to meet people by doing activities around town. Is that the only way?

It is liberating in a way to know that I am my own Captain of my own ship. I'm single, with a new set of wheels and sense of adventure, and confidence about my life.  I have so much passion for my career, and for the adventures of life.. I have decided to embrace these regardless of having a partner...... because although I may not have had a choice in my sexuality, and "who I am", at least I have a choice in embracing what I love and enjoying life.

So, onward and upward.... I guess.... I have some hope that I am on a healthier path.... Nobody said that finding love was easy, or a quick path... Also, love comes in many forms. Perhaps the other forms of love in my life right now are plentiful enough to make up for the absence of romantic love....... which provides me a sense of hope and thanks.

Up and Coming.....

For a while now, I have wanted to focus my blog entries on creating parallels with my coming out process with the stages of grief.  In a very real way, I have grieved my former self and need to embrace a new self.  During these last few years, I have gone through these stages of grief in a very palpable fashion, and I look forward to fresh perspectives to infuse some life back into my introspective journaling sessions. 

Stay Tuned....

Fuck.. Take Me Back to Normalcy Again

Feel like an idiot with a problem who finally came to my senses after a couple of bad nights of trying to find a hook up. Who the fuck am I? I am not sure what to even attribute this to except.. a few changes... my medication decrease. When I start to dose down, I start to get impulsive and obsessive, and my mind starts to work on high gear. I feel it. It feels great. I'm creative, I feel productive... but at the same time, I get impulsive.

Getting impulsive on CL is not the best strategy, and I was saved.. yet again.. by the circumstances that always occur on a hookup site: idiots who do not follow through.  Indeed, thank god for this. I was so eager for a hookup the other night... and apparently another athletic guy was as well... until he claimed he got pulled over by the cops on the way to see me and had to call it a night. In the meantime, I was sweating bullets with a panic attack halfway hoping the dude would not show up.

Fuck. I feel like this is true confessions. But seriously.... either I have a problem with sex addiction, a shade of manic-depression, an underdose of medication, or a combination of all of these. It's just in time for therapy tomorrow afternoon.. thank God.. where I can outlay some of these issues.

I want to be at a crossroads.. ... now that my homosexuality is not a source of enormous fear as it was 3 years ago, I want to get off the medications. But, if getting off the medications means it is difficult to manage my ups and downs... what do I do?  I admit, I like the 'ups' of being on less dose.. I'm getting more done at work, I have a libido, I have more energy..  BUT.. when the lows hit  (last night, for instance)... it's time to get out the panic attack meds... fuck, my stomach was hurling, my mind was racing after 4 hours of surfing for CL hookups..  Fuck...Fuck.. Fuck.. this is NOT me.... I want normalcy again.

One of those cycles again

Fuck. I had a productive day yesterday... where my mind was churning effectively.. and was wiped out by the end of the day. I have this gut instinct that when I am dosing down on my meds, I work more rapidly, and get slightly more manic than usual. It feels great. I get a ton done, but then.. the downside to this: is getting disappointed when I cannot hit my goals during the evening and I get completely off track.

Off track.. means...... getting lazy on couch, surfing craigslist... and then it's all over. Sex surfing in hopes of a hookup can drag me into the rest of the night, completely wasting my time.. then I fall asleep on the couch, and then my whole night/day gets fucked up.

So, is it the medication decrease causing this horny surge, which I do not mind.. but... how can I curb the obsessive behavior of porn, and also not get so tired at work after working my brain a million miles a minute?

It seems like a trade-off... either I am completely stable with no libido; or I am sufficiently horny but feel it difficult to draw my boundaries for what I would call my 'manic' moments.. then I get tired and crash, and it throws off my whole fucking day and task list.

Time for another therapy session.  I want to so badly get off these medications, but if it means that I fall into cycles of porn, hookups, crashing after an almost 'manic' day of working way too fast because I have all this energy..... what the fuck do I do?