Contented Down Time

I can't believe how fast the month has gone... I just feel like writing.. I need the self-reflection, and I don't quite know where to start...... Sometimes when I'm having a night in, I like putting on some good music, have a glass of wine, and just write, reflect, and think about where my life is, and the direction I am taking... I have no specific ponderings, with exception of feeling very pleased and looking forward to all the various events and activities both social and work-related that are on my plate; leaving me little time to even be distracted by my usual unhealthy obssessions with navigating the gay world..... 

Despite all of my fishing for dates lately, and actually being relatively successful in some regards, I am sometimes washed over with a feeling of contentment, tranquility, and peace, on evenings like this when I have had a successful day at work, am enjoying music, unwinding, and really have nothing to complain about....... I wish this sense of peace would sustain itself during the times of turmoil or uncertainty, but I will take what I can get right now.

At this moment, I feel on top of my game; and have begun to acheive a balance in my life which is leading to successes left and right, and much hope far into the future. This is a wonderful feeling that I have not felt in a very long time; a feeling of stability, contentment, and success in many aspects of my life.

With that, I will continue my glass of red wine, my music, and my ponderings about the meaning of life.

Being a Graceful and Appreciative 'Receiver'

It is my spiritual reflection week.. so .. it is time to ponder some deep things in life...

Why is receiving harder than giving? No, I am not meaning in the context of gay sex.... at least I haven't really thought of it that way..... I am meaning in the sense of gifts, advice, and life in general.  Receiving something, say advice, with grace, takes admitting your are vulnerable and actually need the help. I often misinterpret advice from some people in my life as nagging, which then gets me in trouble because I cannot recognize it as advice.....  I need to try to improve this about myself. I think I get defensive with the people closest to me, and look at the advice as thinking I did something wrong in the first place, and then kinda get pissed off. Or, in situations where I'm not necessarily looking for advice, and I receive it,,, I can see it was a little off putting... So, this, I need to try to change.. I need to at least try to recognize that advice or comments by others is not necessarily a bossing around, but as free advice to try to improve my life. 

So apart from being a 'graceful receiver', another important aspect is making sure the other person knows that you appreciate the advice they gave you, otherwise, they'll feel unappreciated.  First, it's important to 'receive' because it shows the gift-giver that you appreciate theirr help, and their gifts, talents, etc. Second, it's important to recognize that it was a gift, and thank them for it, so that they know they are special, and have gifts to give you.  By recognizing the giver, appreciating them, and receiving the gifts....... in a graceful and appreciative manner... this affirms to the gift-giver that they are loved, appreciated, and have talents to contribute to the world.

Re-Focus and Re-Start

I am having a better week....... I am starting to readjust my expectations of the dating life, and trying to be very thankful and appreciative of the new friendships with gay men that I have established, and work on these, instead of obsessing about sex... i think building friendships based upon trust, enjoyment, and fun is something I would rather have right now, because it fills the void that I'm trying to fill with fruitless efforts of craigslist surfing.. So, I think at least for now, I feel a bit more hopeful about filling my life with more meaning, and being less focused on 'finding a boyfriend'. 

This is my spiritual writing week as well, and have been reading Henri Nouwen's daily meditations semi-regularly since the beginning of Lent, to attempt to bring a bit more structure, meaning, and depth into my free time by myself; and it becomes a good exercise in meditation, writing,,,, which I then try to translate the lessons immediately into my daily life by improving my communication with others, and trying to live a better life as a Christian.

Dealing with the Setbacks

I'm trying to be objective and not allow my mind to go down the negative thoughts route.. which is a challenge, but right now I am keeping the negative thoughts at bay, not allowing them to seep in. I just watched the movie 'Up in the Air', and couldn't help but relate to at least portions of the movie.......themes of the movie included having a longing for intimacy, roots, and community... for love, for family, for raising families........and then looking at my current situation, in which I sometimes feel like I am a floater.

When people say they can look to their family, and say that their family gives them purpose, I can't help but get kinda sad or envious, because I may not have that same type of traditional family, if at all. I get sad because I did not choose to have my sexuality this way, but need to adjust to the circumstances of my life in ways that are sometimes excrutiating, painful, and endless.... i mean, I actually have to work to make sure I don't get depressed about it; I have to work in order to build myself up, to avoid thinking about it too much....  and sometimes I just get frustrated because I don't see a way 'out'. There is no 'way out'; this is who I am; I play the role of the cards I have been dealt, and I don't think anybody in the straight world can even closely empathize this situation, because so much of 'life' , 'culture', is centered around traditional value, family, love, building futures together, etc. etc. We grow up socialized into thinking this is 'the' way, 'the' path to fulfillment, success, and growth......

Well, I have been thrown a loop the past 4 years of my life... Up to the moment of coming out, it's like I had this odd feeling that nothing I was doing was 'feeling' right with respect to being with women.  This whole feeling, which manifested itself in feeling insecure, permeated everything else about my life, to the point where I was anxious, scared, and not very confident.  Now that I'm 'out', I feel pretty good..... but the other side of this feeling good, is feeling 'scared'; scared of how I perceive this, finding companionship, seems like an uphill battle,, with just sketchy stories at most turns... where it's just unbelievable that here I am, a good guy with so much to offer, and NOW I have to deal with the homosexual culture.. which is in many ways so fucked up, and so self-centered. I have to deal with putting myself out there, which in many ways requires me to give into the social media frenzy, networking,, etc... or else what? I feel disconnected?

I really have this fear of being disconnected, and not 'plugged in', and I think that being single, gay, and really the captain of my own ship, nothing prevents me from being sucked into this online world of quick exchange,s potential hookups, instant gratifications.. so I can at least feel temporarily fufilled until I hit the next big thing in my life.. which is what? a boyfriend? I'm reminded of a friend of mine who once mentioned that the coming out process is a journey, and sometimes you have several steps forward, 10 steps back, 1 step forward, 1 step back, and so forth... setbacks and successes are occurring; and for something like sexuality.... these 'setbacks' and 'successes' are incredibly emotional, since sexuality is such an intimate part of who we are as human beings..... Will this journey always 'feel' the same?

The Dating Game

Ah, the dating game.  It can be exhilarating for the spirit, but also draining on the spirit. I guess I just need to learn how to take things as they are, and not build things up in my mind. I have had a lot of 'firsts' with guys in the past few months....... and the other night, it was my 'first' to hold a guy's hand, have a tender conversation, and give him a kiss...... it was really a great feeling. But of course, it may have not meant as much to the other person as it did for me... even if I felt there was a connection. So the past day or so i have been waiting for that response, that confirmation from him.. whether he likes me too, whether he wants to go out on another date. If he's not interested, i just wish he would tell me instead of just not responding to emails, which, right now, is the only form of communication.  It just does not make any sense to me when 2 people have a good time, acknowledge they did, share in an intimate moment, then.. not be eager to get back together and continue getting to know eachother. may i'm just old fashioned..... but honestly, i'm totally bummed out that he is not writing back.... so instead of taking it personally, i just wrote again and cut to the chase.. saying i liked him, and wanted to go out again, and if he didn't feel the same way, just let me know, and i won't have any hard feelings. because seriously... nothing sucks more than having a major crush on somebody, thinking that things went well on a first date, and then either never hearing from them again, or.. when you do hear from them, the content or the enthusiasm of the communication does not meet your hopes or expectations.... and that, my friends, is the clincher.. the 'hopes and expectations' of dating.. is the hardest part for me... knowing when to put my own boundaries up, when to cut the cord, when to move in more, when to move away.......... it is the dating game.... and my new strategy is to be up front and honest from the beginning, so i can cut the cord and move on... more for self-preservation than for anything else....

The 'It Gets Better' Project

This project and movement has gone viral, and it just is so hopeful and makes me want to help. To think that teens commit suicide because of being bullied or being scared about being gay just makes me so sad and horrified. I think back to how I was bullied in various ways, not for being gay, but for just being one of those kids that's easy to pick on.. I was bullied in some isolated incidents over the years, and i just wish now i could go back and kick the asses of all the perpetrators, and show them how much stronger i am spiritually, mentally, physically. Any bullying i see infuriates me, and I just want to be a part of something bigger that helps out these kids. It moves my spirit.... brings tears.... to hear about these stories of gay men and women reaching out and sharing their stories of love and courage in order to save the lives of youth in peril. it's just a beautiful wonderful thing, and I would like to contribute, share my story, and help kids out..... i think back to how horrified i was of my own coming out, and i was a relatively stable guy, with a good job, a stable future, lots of friends.. and it was still excruciating. i can't imagine how hard it would be in a world so accessible to cyberbullying, bullying, and lack of privacy.. how awful it would be to be bullied in high school or college for being gay. just breaks my heart. i hope these guys and gals learn to be mentally stronger and courageous to overcome those who torment them, and know that life gets better if you find your true friends, who will embrace you in love, compassion, and acceptance.

Ugh... navigating the line of friendship vs. more

Back when I was living in the straight world, I would have crushes on women, ask them out, and if they only wanted to be friends, I would just never talk to them again. I was obviously totally insecure with myself... and this 'all-or-nothing' approach seemed to work for me, especially since I was on the hunt for a girlfriend. Why waste my time? Well, in the gay world, I don't want to do this.. In fact, making platonic friendships with gay men was something I wanted 3 years ago, and almost wanted this more than dating.. so that I could at least get used to being around gay guys, being 'out', and feeling comfortable. So, zoom forward to current times.. I'm now comfortable being out, and I'm actually going out to coffee, and dates, with guys, and have really enjoyed myself. The trick, though, is... if the other guy shows a sign of genuine platonic friendship, and is not interested in being romantically involved... to what extent can I just be friends if I had a big crush? Well..... this is where communication comes in.. where you either have to hope that the other person sucks it up and expresses their boundaries, or I have to actually say something (which I tend to avoid); or.... I end up playing this cat-and-mouse game where I am hoping they want to be more than friends, so I'll email them, and try to be more than friends. and end up fucking everything up. So, what it comes down to is... I need to better navigate the line between friendship and relationship with new gay male friends I meet.... and it's tough. I think the best way to do this is to be honest with my own intentions first...... before I reach out to another person through email, etc......  It's difficult for me to be attracted to friends who I want more than just friends. I usual reaction is to just drop the friendship in order to avoid the feelings.... BUT.. I think this is not a good thing to do, especially when 2 gay friends I have recently met, who just want to be friends, really enjoy my company... so I should not ignore that, but should foster that instead... but keep it at a comfortable level with sufficient boundaries so everybody is comfortable.