Stopping the Cycle

I had a dream last night that I started falling for a beautiful woman who did not care that I had an attraction to guys, and this was extremely attractive to me, and I remember feeling a sense of security and freedom. These dreams often parallel the random thoughts I have during the day, the latest of which is having this fantasy about maybe this whole 'gay' thing is just made up in my head, and wishing I could just run away from it, and not have to 'work so hard' at it.  It does seem like 'work'. Maybe I need to work on letting go, living my life, and not caring so much about how to 'improve' my situation, or think about the circumstances or implications for my sexual preferences.  Letting go and surrendering is one of the most difficult things one can do.  It may help to realize that I have multiple other hobbies, a dynamic job, positive outlets for making new friends, a supportive family.. which should boost my morale into thinking that I don't have it all that bad, and that sexuality, if it leads to being single for (a lifetime?) perhaps, that I should just let it go and be thankful for what I have.  It's time to start turning my negative thoughts into positive ones so I can stop the negative thinking cycle.

Re-Focus

I'm having some pretty substantive counseling sessions the past couple of visits, which are quite startling and a little sobering to me.... mostly because they do regard issues where I truly am limiting myself, and if I don't change my behavior, I could end up creating my own suffering. Let me share a case in point in order to illustrate. So, I come in with a chief complaint that it is very difficult to meet men, and I'm having difficulty, and am frustrated and almost despondent over how to even go about this.  As we talked through things, I was able to identify some of my irrational thoughts about dating guys: 1) I don't like the idea of dating older guys; 2) older guys would not want to consider adopting or having a family.  Then my therapist pointed out that my intellectual/relationship needs may point toward being in a relationship with a guy who is older...; and also dispelled my own irrational thoughts about the adopting/having a family; which many older guys (even in the heterosexual world) end up taking up later in life. So, I walked out therapy realizing that my own thoughts and judgements are preventing me from expanding my horizons, and I'm the only person who has the ability to change these horizons in order to improve my situation. So in a way, I do need to change in order to expand, and I do have issues to work out still in order to improve the quality of my life. Not that this is any surprise to me, but it's a little sobering, but also relieving, to be able to identify a few key factors that could be preventing me from reaching my potential.   Another idea we explored more was my ambivlance toward becoming involved in Catholic groups, and my hangup being I would not meet any guys, and I could be ostracized because of my views or my own sexuality.  I honestly am putting aside multiple opportunities for Catholic groups in Kansas City, for no known reason.... i think it's mostly because of the fear of being rejected, or maybe a feeling of hopelessness of finding a 'guy' that would occur once I start connecting with a group like this. But again, this is irrational... because if what I am trying to acheive in life, at least for now, is connecting with a group and feeling a part of a community, reaching out to the young adult Catholic group may be just what I need, similar to what I did in my 'prior lives' when transitioning to new cities, new schools, new professional roles.  Something always came of this... these decisions to become involved in the young adult Catholic group. Those things were rather big, if I recall... My decision to join the Catholic group in college led to a trajectory of new friendships and an ability to dig out of my prior depression and poor social circumstances. My decision to join the Catholic group during my post-doctoral fellowship led to a new set of friends, as well as a large growth in the ability to apply my faith to my life, which ultimately led to coming out, and a new trajectory of self-actualization. So, of what am I so fearful?

So, this is what to do next.....

I found yet another dating site...... and what is so crazy is that one sees the same people over and over on the same sites..... which can be encouraging because it lets me know that I'm trying to pull out all the stops just like everybody else.. And hence begins, another fishing expedition that mostly ends up with nothing. I go in with complete skepticism, despite all the good candy adorning the walls......... We will see if this ends up leading anywhere........ .. one can only hope...

What's next? How do I get there?

I feel like I have run out of options for meeting guys.  I can run down the list, and say things have not worked.  Match.com does not work, except that I have met one friend.  Craigslist definitely does NOT work, except on platonic section I have met a friend.  Plentyoffish only worked a couple of times, but the guys are so young, and never write back consistently.  I could go on and on about how I'm not meeting the right people, and how I don't know where to go next.  I literally do not know where to go. I am out of places. My networking is running dry, and I am feeling hopeless.... Maybe I should just not try to date? Maybe I should expand my social venues to include straight groups doing activities like community service or hiking/outdoors? I do not 'have a group' right now. Am I doing something wrong? Should I be networking a different way, or else I'll just go along and meet nobody? Where do I go? Who do I talk to? The problem with the new, current gay friends I have made is that I am always the one doing all the inviting, and pressing forth all the energy....... The tough thing about the gay world is that 1) one must first find out where the gay guys are; 2) then you have to navigate between just wanting to be pals versus wanting something more; 3) then you have to deal with the general 'guy' attitudes of not following up; being self-centered; and being idiots. After you've completed all the navigating, you've used a litmus test to basically rule every guy out, with nobody else to date, unless you put aside your own values in order to just get some action, and feel like you're being loved by somebody. I have no fucking clue what to do anymore.  My solutions could be 1) just start showing up to these gay events and introducing myself; 2) start marketing myself like everybody else in order to capture somebody's attention. Here is the crux of the issue: with the time that I do have outside of work, do I spend the time in a venue that increases my likelihood of meeting a partner? Or do I spend it in an activity that is related to my values/interests? I just don't want to wake up 5 years from now and still not have a plan, a partner, a life..... that I have envisioned right now....

Using Wordle to Analyze Your Own Blogs

My life in words and in art... I have found a therapy which goes beyond words, and combines analysis, artistry, and poetry into one.  I decided that I wanted to use Wordle to summarize parts of my coming out blog; and within that, I was able to change the number of words that it displays. So, I could take 3 months of my life.. the first 3 months fo my coming out experience, and summarize my blog in 1, 5, 25, 125, 625 words, etc.... how ever many words I want, and it reduces it down to the essence of the thoughts I was putting onto paper.

The results are not only fascinating, but poetic. Reducing 3 turbulent months into 5 words was quite telling, and from an outsider's perspective, one would be able to tell me that I definitely was gay, and just coming to terms with my needs for a man, a relationship, for connection, and for love.. all within the context of feeling sexual and needy. I would be curious, now, to see how these word clouds change over time....

Now, I feel like creating 'poetic word cloud art' that summarizes my blogs, my life, my experience... and turns it into a poetic and artistic journey. I am so thrilled with this new discovery of how to blend my soul, art, and poetry into one that I find it almost revolutionary.... almost a tool that could be used to analyze somebody's progress from one state to another.... a tool for therapy, in fact....

For somebody who is intruiged with words, self-reflection, and analysis... this is a treasure trove resulting in systematic insights that could go on forever, with all sorts of combinations. Here are some potential comparisons:

a) wordle over the entire course of an intervention; and summarize in different cloud densities. you can see the development in different shades of detail, with respect to the words being used.
b) wordle "pre" vs. "post" to see if you have any differences...... and then in here, do different densities of word clouds to describe the essence of different situations.
c) vary your time frames.. to see if you have 'changes' over time (a time series analysis, in essence).

Learning to Be Content

Despite my rants and raves about not finding a date, I am, oddly, at the same time, completely content with my coming out, my 'gay status', if you will, and my current state of affairs.  Being in this current limbo of mine is much more peaceful than my previous states of quandry when I did not even know I wanted to be with a guy; or had never been with a guy to figure out I was indeed attracted to them. I think back over the past year, and see progress. I feel progress. I see progress. I feel forward movement.  I am not living a lie anymore. I am being true to myself.  In essence, I am now like any other single person, trying to find love and intimacy with another human being; it's just that I'm happening to pursue a homosexual instead of a heterosexual relationship. Except for that (minor) detail, it's still love, relatonships, and intimacy. As humans, we naturally ache for that intimacy and connection...... We may transiently find that connection in meaningless hook-ups, but the connection fades as quickly as we cum...... literally.........

So here I sit.... with my coffee, on my front porch.. still pondering my life, and have no immediate answers. One thing that I have done to connect with a community is going back to church; as well as becoming active in the gay Catholic group.. both of which will satisfy that need to be emotionally and spiritually connected. I look forward to nurturing these relationships and friendships... So in the meantime, I will enjoy this time in my life.... and not try to overanalyze my situation. I should learn to be content with what I have, and not worry about what I do *not* have.

Becoming Jaded to the Gay Rat Race

I am not quite sure what phase I am going through right now, but my desire for hook-ups is nill, and my desire to chase the young dudes with whom I have been trying to get second dates has also decreased substantially. One thing I have realized is that it gets really damn tiring being the chaser, especially when with no reciprocation. It gets really annoying to constantly be the one who gives, and not have the other person give back without asking.  For example, after all the attention I gave to a particular guy I went on a date with, about how we need to hang out this weekend....I most likely will never hear from him again unless I take the steps to pursue. And Fuck, i'm too busy this weekend to even hang out, so why even put the effort out to get in touch with him again? So many gay guys are flakey and self-centered... it's really tough to find the ones who care.  What about friendship, people? I definitely am in an 'anti-hook-up' phase because I realize the emptiness of hook-ups.Right now, I am so fulfilled with my creative bouts I am having with both my research, writing, and my new house... that the need to be intimate has faded a bit...... and now.... i'm not quite sure what is next. I have maybe 1 prospect for a date; I could go chasing that guy again; I could go back into the online hunt... but I have become so jaded that none of this will lead to a meaningful, fulfilling relationship that has emotional intimacy, mutual respect, and caring...

Honestly the gay dating scene as it currently exists, at least in my mind, feels almost like  rat race.. where one needs to update your profile, promote yourself, send out tons of emails to guys you may or may not like, only to get no response..... How does one not become jaded? Then there is the 'new meat' phenonenon where new connections found on a dating site may peak the first week, then die off because you are not anymore the new kid on the block. 

So, the 'if you can't beat them, join them' philosophy does not work, because joining the rat race seems to be a series of downer deadends.  So, I am not sure where I stand or what to do. I could keep chasing my young ideal boyfriend types, where I end up putting out most of the effort; maybe I would get some one night stands out of that. But where would that leave me emotionally? Fuck, it's crazy. You see why its much easier to become excited about a new house, a new manuscript to be published, some new collaborations, or a cool vacation... all of which have much more potential to be fulfilling compared to a cheap date with meaningless sex.