Naked Boundaries

God help me. LOL.  I posted some items on CraigsList to get pulse of the City #1 vs. City 2 scenes.  City #2 guys have been quite responsive.  I laughed out loud today, though, when one guy sent me a picture of himself complete in the buff, laying down on his bed... completely naked.  I really got more than I asked for on that. Some folks have a totally different definition of boundaries and privacy than I.

City 1 versus City 2: Head-to-Head. Survey Says?!......

I am pleased with how I have pulled out the resources of researching each city for my job search. First, I researched the Meetup.Com listings.  This gave me a pulse of each city with respect to my interests, such as the gay scene, the hiking/camping, ballroom dancing, and dog friendly activities.  I also got a huge amount of information about the Catholic Young Adult Group activities in either city, and was impressed with the offerings of the Archdiocese in City #1 especially Ministry for Catholic Young Adults.  It is a very active group, and participates in many faith-building community events and activities.  The City #2 Catholic scene is very impressive.  Their retreats go to places like... um..... the Mountains!!!  National State Parks, and such.  Wow. Undeniably cool.

City #2 gay scene is very diverse and full of multiple resources.  They are a city in a very progressive state, a state which has recently passed a statute allowing some select rights for same-sex couples.  I already found 3 different outdoor/hiking-specific gay groups.. which is very encouraging.  Plus, city #2 has actual community centers (which look pretty hip); which suggests a welcoming and embracing of gay community.

The other resource I am finding to be useful is Craiglist.  I posted on "men for men: romance", and "men for men: platonic", to put out feelers for the gay scene in either city. Thus far, one person wrote back and says that City #1 gay scene sucks.  Well, that's what I get from looking online.  Compared to City #2, City #1's gay scene looks pretty dead.

Same-Sex Marriages

It is absolutely infuriating to me to hear the arguments of the anti-gay marriage lobbyists.  If I had ever met them in person, and had to listen to their opinions, somebody would have to hold me back from clocking the guy in the face.  What gives the state the right to define who enters into legal union without one another? Seriously.  Give me the proof that says homosexual unions erode family values. Where is the empirical evidence? Do they just use their moral theology to make this claim, or do they have evidence that demonstrates the presence of homosexual marriages erode family values and traditions of America?

This fires me up just thinking about it. How can a heterosexual lawmaker, lobbyist, or advocate even feel or empathize for a gay man or woman who has a longing in their heart for true love? Who are they to take this over and decide who gets legal rights and who does not? It's absolutely infuriating, how the State attaches legal boundaries to love.

As a man struggling with his sexuality, I am a firm believer in the state granting rights to gay couples..... I would compromise if needed, to call it a "union" instead of a "marriage", just to stop the bickering. But, I would absolutely not compromise on rights such as adoption of children to gay couples, health proxy rights, and property issues.  These are the legal issues that would be important for any couple. Why give this gold standard only to a heterosexual couple?

When will America wake up.

Gay Dating Con Artists

I got duped. Twice.  I learned my lesson, although I am at a complete loss at how somebody could be such a complete, thoughtless asshole.  Who sets up a blind date with a guy, stands him up, lies about why he was not there, then sets up another blind date with the same person only to stand him up again? What the Fuck?
Obviously, the guy is a work, and I could care less at this point about meeting him. But, seriously, who DOES this kind of stuff? Do people have a thrill of the chase, only to lose interest? Is he waiting for me to come back and ask him out again, only so he can be in control again? How messed up.  I am at a loss of words, except for I cannot believe I fell for his lies the first time.. when he said my email bounced back and he could not get a hold me when he found out his father was in the hospital.  So predictable.  I look forward to never emailing this man again.

Be Fully Engaged in Your Love for Your Partner

The longing still remains in my heart... a longing for male intimacy.  I cannot escape it.. it feels good.... Though, I still wonder whether it is a fantasy or a reality.  Tonight I am going on a date with a very handsome, seemingly friendly guy.  I think he appreciates the fine things in life, given his taste in restaurants.  He also appreciates academia, since he in fact works at a local university.  I am excited, a bit nervous... but at all anxious.. about tonight's get together.

As I still ponder my sexuality, I wonder the extent to which guy's sexual passions are driven by fantasy versus reality; physical versus emotional. Yes, I am sure it is a mixture of these, given the complexity of sexual attraction.  But I argue that the repulsion some of us feel toward homosexuality may in actuality be a defense mechanism to ward off constructs or norms that go against the views from society.  I would argue that many men or women would enjoy sexual encounters of this nature, but for some reason or another, choose not to engage.

The freedom on choice is important in this regard.  I would argue that those who actually *are* attracted to the opposite sex to any degree should nurture that, and "play for the heterosexual team" so to speak.  Maybe I am speaking to what I would do, if that were in fact the case.  For those who *know* that they are not aroused by the opposite sex would probably be better if they explored this, embraced it.  This would prevent one from living a lie, and continually hurting other people as they engage in new, potentially "false", intimate relations with others.

I would argue that one should engage in a relationship fully.  This fullness necessitates an innate attraction, both physically and emotionally, to the individual. One would be doing a dis-service to both yourself and your partner if you could not be, for any reason, fully engaged in the love and caring of your partner

Good Progress

I feel fortunate that this week I get to hang out with 2 new guys: one for a beer, and one for dinner.  I would call the one for dinner a date, the one for a beer, more like hanging out.  I think I am starting to break through the fears of my previous self.... looking forward to going on a date with a guy!  This is good progress.

Praying for Tolerance

Overwhelmed with emotion, gratitude, empathy, understanding... just washing over me......I listen to a gentleman on NPR speaking very articulately about his coming out experience, speaking about the pain, society's outlook, and I feel encouraged, and feel a kindred spirit, really, in listening to somebody with common experiences.  He is speaking of the difficulties of being a gay Christian, and speaks of how religion has many times in history used the Bible and dogma to justify discrimination.....  This man is very enlightening, and it provides me courage, and stirs up in me a passion, of wanting society to open up their minds and love, casting off unjustifiable fears that have no basis.  I pray that homosexuality becomes less of an "issue" in our society, as we age, sexual orientation will become a non-issue.

Quality Time With Pandora

And I now turn to music, a refuge that evokes hope, joy, calmness.  Really, I could spend hours on Pandora searching for favorite songs, cataloging those tunes that mean the most to me.  After a disappointing evening, I will rely upon the music to lift my spirits.  I have no other complaints right now.  I am here, relaxed, with my dog, pleasantly full after a healthy dinner.  I will now spend time with the music... thinking and meditating on the lyrics, and really spending some quality time by myself.

At Least Puppy Leif Will Be My Valentine

I got stood up tonight. Of course, it could have been a misunderstanding in the time: for example, how does one define "next weekend"? I always give folks the benefit of the doubt. Seriously, though, what type of guy stands people up? I really was looking forward to having dinner with this guy.. he was very good looking, and chose a very romantic Italian restaurant. I figured he had potential. I really thought this was going to be a good evening, a real date, with a nice guy.  I got my hopes up.  I waited at the restaurant for 25 extra minutes, then decided to call it off.  I'm not that hot under the collar, I'm just a little depressed.  I hope that it was a misunderstanding.  If it was not a misunderstanding, I have officially been stood up for the first time.  What is up with some people? I mean, who stands somebody up on a first date, especially after complimenting me when we exchanged photos? Who knows. Maybe he's just an irresponsible and forgetful.  The journey continues..... At least Puppy Leif will be my Valentine.

Building Cyber Brothels

It is strange to peer into the lives of straight married men who choose to build a secret cyber-life with gay men. I wonder what it must be like for them to live this double life. What if their wives found out? Perhaps they do not know? Does this make me a sick puppy to make pals on-line? I definitely do not strive for this to be my only avenue for new gay friendships; but I do admit it has helped me break the ice a bit, and get me out of my shell in a safe way.  Perhaps it was a part of my journey....to see this side of people's lives..... I remain cognizant of it's potential detrimental and addictive effects, and still would only like to use this as an avenue to meet people in real life.  In contrast, I have met some guys completely content in carrying on cyber relationships, with no intent to build the relationship in real life.  I think this is what bothers me.... why build something in the dark, while it would be better to build in the light?  I understand the underground nature.. sometimes necessary nature.. of gay or bi-curious urges.. but I am puzzled to the draw of building around oneself a brothel of cyber-guys who will must be at your beckon call for a cyber-booty call.  It is odd and troubling all at the same time.

Where Do I Set Up Home?

I'm not sure of things right now.  I have several sources of uncertainty....  I am not necessarily sad, but I am full of hope. I want to start planning for the future, but I do not know where I will be.  I would like to envision what is next, but I do not know what is on my plate.  These uncertainties are career-oriented........where two paths emerge, but I am uncertain as to which one I will be ideal.  I am reminded of Robert Frost's..  "... two paths diverged in a yellow wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and it has made all the difference..."

I meditate upon this now, with regards to my career choices.  University A would allow me to come back to the town where I was raised.... which has it's comforts.  I would re-connect with old friends, become a part of the community once again.  I could re-discover the city of my previous life, within the context of my current life.  On the other hand, I fear that I would be settling... settling into a life that I did not envision for myself.  For example, I have been romanticizing about a land of opportunity, mountains, trees, completely new people, completely new area...  where I could start from scratch. I could continue cultivating my identity in a new area, free from my previous life, judgments, haunts.

The challenge becomes: am I able to establish my new identity in a city that I associate with many societal norms that I strongly reject?  Can I thrive in these shadows of a previous existence? Can I spread my new wings without the stress of justifying myself, my choices, who I am, and who I would like to become? I have the confidence that I will be able to do this.....I need to keep in mind that my associations with this city originate from many years of coming home to visit, under the roof of my parents' house.  This dynamic creates a tension in my mind, tricking me to believe that that is what it would be like...... living here under the shadows of my parents' world.... which is just not who I am anymore.

When I think about the place I would buy my home, I am acutely aware of this tension, this reality, this fear.  Why do I think I will be under the thumb of my mother? I guess because I know her so well, I know how she thinks... that I fear the reaction as I further establish my independence and my sexual identity.  It would be so much easier to be in my own city, have my own identity, rejecting the ideas and the world of my parents by living in another city.  I fear that if I end up living here, I will slip back into the world, and lose the opportunity to create that ideal job in a city with many outdoor activities.

On the other side of things, I know the health of my father is decreasing slowly, and I think it would be a good thing to be here to help out the family. I feel that pull.... it is very strong.... the caretaker in me really wants to feel needed in that way.  That would give me a purpose as well...... to be here.... beyond my career.  If I am concerned about lack of outdoor activities, I would just need to create a savings account, and make myself go to Colorado or the Ozarks, etc.. in order to satisfy that part of my soul.

So, I remain in limbo until I hear more information from potential employers.  In the meantime, I will be hopeful about either path, and chart out possibilities in either world, which will create joy and excitement instead of consternation and disappointment.

Using Your Personal Truths to Guide Life Decisions

Three Truths have emerged tonight after an unexpected, impulsive cyber encounter.

First:

• We make decisions in the heat of the moment, which later we may regret. 

Second:

• Anonymity creates a shield which decreases the inhibition further during these moments

Third:

• If you listen to your conscience after the moment has passed, you can discern the degree to which you felt discomfort. 

Taken together, experiences over life should allow us to avoid Truth #1 in the first place, if we have learned from our past mistakes.  Truth #2 should key us into the fact that fantasy versus reality are often very different from one another. Truth #3 helps guide us through life.

Interestingly, Truth #1 can apply to all emotions: lust, anger, love, joy, anxiety, sadness.  If we make decisions when our mind is not centered, we are not able to listen to our conscience (Truth #3).  I would think, therefore, that life experiences we build over time will help prevent us from incorrect decisions.  We can rely on rational stances and/or morals that we have established over time to help guide us during times of uncertainty and torrents of emotion.  In this case, we will feel confident about our decisions in the long run, even if in the heat of the moment, we are convinced we have the correct answer.

I have experienced this countless times in times of anxiety, anger, or even joy.  I remember the period in my life when I was not on anxiety medications... even my moments of joy, in hindsight, were truly manic and impulsive.  Although my creative side would kick into high gear, I would often be exhausted afterwards, with non-sustainable expectations toward life.