Where Do I Set Up Home?

I'm not sure of things right now.  I have several sources of uncertainty....  I am not necessarily sad, but I am full of hope. I want to start planning for the future, but I do not know where I will be.  I would like to envision what is next, but I do not know what is on my plate.  These uncertainties are career-oriented........where two paths emerge, but I am uncertain as to which one I will be ideal.  I am reminded of Robert Frost's..  "... two paths diverged in a yellow wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and it has made all the difference..."

I meditate upon this now, with regards to my career choices.  University A would allow me to come back to the town where I was raised.... which has it's comforts.  I would re-connect with old friends, become a part of the community once again.  I could re-discover the city of my previous life, within the context of my current life.  On the other hand, I fear that I would be settling... settling into a life that I did not envision for myself.  For example, I have been romanticizing about a land of opportunity, mountains, trees, completely new people, completely new area...  where I could start from scratch. I could continue cultivating my identity in a new area, free from my previous life, judgments, haunts.

The challenge becomes: am I able to establish my new identity in a city that I associate with many societal norms that I strongly reject?  Can I thrive in these shadows of a previous existence? Can I spread my new wings without the stress of justifying myself, my choices, who I am, and who I would like to become? I have the confidence that I will be able to do this.....I need to keep in mind that my associations with this city originate from many years of coming home to visit, under the roof of my parents' house.  This dynamic creates a tension in my mind, tricking me to believe that that is what it would be like...... living here under the shadows of my parents' world.... which is just not who I am anymore.

When I think about the place I would buy my home, I am acutely aware of this tension, this reality, this fear.  Why do I think I will be under the thumb of my mother? I guess because I know her so well, I know how she thinks... that I fear the reaction as I further establish my independence and my sexual identity.  It would be so much easier to be in my own city, have my own identity, rejecting the ideas and the world of my parents by living in another city.  I fear that if I end up living here, I will slip back into the world, and lose the opportunity to create that ideal job in a city with many outdoor activities.

On the other side of things, I know the health of my father is decreasing slowly, and I think it would be a good thing to be here to help out the family. I feel that pull.... it is very strong.... the caretaker in me really wants to feel needed in that way.  That would give me a purpose as well...... to be here.... beyond my career.  If I am concerned about lack of outdoor activities, I would just need to create a savings account, and make myself go to Colorado or the Ozarks, etc.. in order to satisfy that part of my soul.

So, I remain in limbo until I hear more information from potential employers.  In the meantime, I will be hopeful about either path, and chart out possibilities in either world, which will create joy and excitement instead of consternation and disappointment.