To What Extent Do I Venture Into the Gay World In Order To Find Myself?

I will be moving back home in a couple of months, after having landed a job as an assistant professor.  I feel pretty good, full of hope, as I look forward to new opportunities, new people, new challenges, new career dynamics all within a familiar city with friends and family.  


I do keep tucked away in the back of my mind the sexuality journey.  Although I did put it on the backburner the past few months, I honestly have not really thought about it much, or explored my spiritual growth.  I want to feel connected again to that self-actualization. I must admit, though, that I have given up here in my current city, given  that finding dates has led absolutely nowhere, plus I have no real incentive to begin anything given I will be leaving in 2 months. 


So, I look forward to moving back to this city.. my hometown.....  where I have already explored online groups, and scoped out what I could of the gay scene by looking at dating sites and other resources.  I am still fearful,,, but not in the same way as before..... I am fearful of new challenges not yet experienced.  I still have longings, I still have goals, fears, and new steps toward furthering my self-actualization.. I am not sure which one will lead to *love*... 


Perhaps all of these? 

• become part of social groups within my interests that are not exclusively gay... like museum groups; outdoor clubs, university-based social activities. 
• try dating sites again, in a different city.. see if I experience a different vibe, or get more responses. 
• go to Catholic gay support groups...... 
• become involved in young adult Catholic groups 

This is what I fear... 

• having to respond to old friends asking about my love life. 
• once I become a "member" of a gay group, I am fully admitting that label unto myself... which may not necessarily be true until I experience being with a guy. 
• that I am jumping the gun on calling myself gay... 
• that I am averse to seeking ongoing counseling, since I have not been satisfied yet here with anybody I have seen. 

These are the events that eventually will present further challenges.. especially within my hometown. 

• dating a man, and the boundaries of bringing my partner to various family events where friends would not know I am out. 
• actually having a boyfriend... and introducing to parents. 
• outright homophobia from acquaintances  as I come out of the closet more and more.... 
• calling myself homosexual.. I still feel anxiety in my stomach. 
• leaving the safety of my current city, where I have already come out to my closest friends....  Now, I feel like I will have to start all over again in Town #2. 

So, I'm still not there, I have not fully accepted myself, or have I been able to fully explore my sexual potential.  Now that I have my job secured, and my house on the market, and my plans to move on to the next chapter of my life....... I hope that the next chapter of my sexual orientation will present itself as well.  


The question I ask myself is: how active should I be in pursuing homosexual relations? If I choose to live in a straight world most of the time, since that is where I feel most comfortable, will I ever be able to extend myself far enough into the gay world in order to even meet somebody?  


I again will be charting into unknown waters as I move back to my hometown.  But this time, the uncertainty and fear is laced with some thrill and excitement... which is a welcoming emotion given the rocky times I have had the past two years.  I have faith that when I do meet somebody, the emotions will fit into place, and these current worries will fade away.