I seem to be going backwards now. My progress is waning. Here I thought that I was making progress meeting guys and groups... but the past 2 incidents have just not been good. Yes, I guess.. it was because they were on Craigs List. Why the fuck do I keep going back to that hopeless site, full of desperate horny men? Yuck. What is my problem? I disgust myself with this homosexuality. It makes me want to run away from it, but if I do run away from it, I would risk being "homeless".
What do I do now? Part of me wonders whether I'm a bit depressed about this because I decreased my anti-anxiety meds a couple of weeks back because I am determined to get back to my 'old self'... meaning, my energy levels, my libido, my confidence levels..at the 'pre-coming out' crisis. I have this notion that now that I know (or think I know) I'm gay, I can just go back to ground zero with less medications since I have conquered and identified the root of the problem.. of the anxiety.
But, my ups and downs are worse, my energy levels are up and down... although I did feel at an emotional high for pretty much 2 weeks straight, and am now getting worried and anxious.
If I could change anything, I would:
a) accept myself... my sexual tendencies, my worries, myself.
b) be able to freely go on dates with normal acting men, not feeling like i'm in a seedy situation.
c) would actually go on dates with women, and see if connection were there as well.
I feel like I am not relaxed about this whole process. I feel like it's a project. I feel like I cannot just roll with the flow, because I cannot find a way to find the answer. What if I'm wrong about myself? What if I'm just wasting my time barking up the wrong tree? Fuck, I don't know anymore. Is it a completely hopeless situation to be with a woman now,... now that I accept the fact that I fantasize about men and want to try having a boyfriend? Will I always have to deal with the melancholy of seeing my straight friends having this life of wife, kids, and family surrounding them, when I'm stuck in my own circumstances without a way to change them?
I actually went to match.com to cruise women for a while, and was partially interested...wondered what it would be like to go back to that world... but then decided otherwise. I miss certain parts of women... their smiles, their nurturing ways... their smiles.... but if I cannot get sexually excited by them, I have no business playing in that world anymore.. At least that's what I think. I'm too scared to go back and find out, though.
Just the thought of being in a sexual situation with a woman and not getting aroused is enough to make me run away.. it's a very deep fear of mine. Maybe because being in that situation with a the lack of sexual response is a direct window into my vulnerabilities, my truths, as a man who wants to be sexually involved with another man..... and these truths could not be hidden, no matter how hard I tried. That whole dynamic with being intimate with a woman is just so not what I want. I'm not sure whether it's because of the emotional rejections that are tied up within it, or whether I just want to be with a man. Fuck. Why is this so difficult.
Why can't I just accept who I am and go with it? Partially because I guess I have not accepted myself yet, or do not want to, or do not believe it.... or still can't quite seeing any of this work out. My theories and fantasies that I have built up, and have been a part of my being, my thoughts, my deep desires for intimacy and companionship, are not matching up to the realities that I am discovering.. and that scares the shit out of me..Because perhaps those notions of companionship are not in the cards for me at all, no matter how much I love, am compassionate, or am a good man to those around me. Please God, help me through this. I don't know what to do.
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