1 Year Ago........ A Reflection

Diffusion of Gayness: From January 2, 2010

It is those same familiar feelings, repeating, and getting stronger, as I identify more with my sexual orientation. When I meet a new guy friend that I find attractive, I get those butterflies in my stomach, feeling like a kid again, wanting to be noticed, wanting to become best friends, and see what happens. God damn it. It happens every fucking time.

• Why am I angry about it? 
• Why am I frustrated? 
• Why can't I just accept that I am sexually attracted to certain men?

I was at a Catholic wedding tonight...of an acquaintance from what I refer to as my "previous life", of immersing myself into Catholicism: Bible studies; nightly prayer; memorization of Scripture verses. It was such an odd juxtaposition..... like peering back into my old life. So many questions left unanswered:

• Why was I trying so hard to be connected to that traditional form of love within the structure of a Catholic relationship? 
• Why could I not recognize in the midst of my relationship that I was uncomfortable with my girlfriend? 
• Why did I keep clinging to that ritualistic way of Catholic life that I ascribed to for so long? 
• Why do I now feel that I was talking myself into those beliefs? 
• Why am I questioning the bedrock of my religious and spiritual values, those which re-emerged during my rediscovery of my Catholicism?
• Why do my feelings of faith and spirituality feel less strong now, compared to then? 
• By questioning the value of my previous habits of prayer and meditation, do I reject core beliefs of my Christian faith? 

Despite my struggles, I felt a sense of peace at the wedding. I did not mind being by myself. I was perfectly content, but at the same time, a bit melancholy about how I feel different around other people... how I harbor this difference in my soul that will most likely prevent me from living this traditional life. These traditional lives are portrayed as a story-book. I rationalized to myself that despite this image, that I would most likely not feel comfortable forcing myself into love with a woman, only to again, push down that inner curiosity of being with a man. I long for that deep, masculine connection of brotherhood and love, which may only be fully realized in a homosexual relationship.

Compared to past weddings when I would fantasize about my own future wedding, in today's wedding I had more realistic, bittersweet, and melancholic feelings. Today I did not think about my own future wedding. Today, I wondered why homosexuals cannot declare the sanctity of their love, publicly, in a house of worship. Today, I wondered whether homosexuality is a choice, or whether it is pre-determined. Today, I tried to let go of my clinging to my past, and tried to feel grateful for my relationship with God, and the feelings that I have identified and reconciled within my heart, spirit, and soul. Today, I felt able to celebrate that a marriage between a husband and a wife is one of many ways to express and carry out God's plan for us.  Perhaps that is not in my deck of cards, to get married to a woman.  Perhaps I can better serve the world, my family, my friends, and my career, by being single. Perhaps I can better nurture friendships as a single man, as I already know I do well.

As I ponder these questions, to overarching questions about my sexuality pervade in my mind:

• Why Do I Have To Be The Way That I Am?
• Am I Truly The Way I Think I Am?

All I know is that the more I experience interactions with attractive, smart, and witty males, what returns is that old familiar sense of longing for a deep emotional intimate relationship.  Furthermore, the more I embrace this quality about myself, the more I accept this quality, allowing it to diffuse into my being.  In the past, I may have shoved these feelings away in shame, an unhealthy repression that led to ongoing guilt and confusion. But now, instead of shoving away, I try to dive into the feeling and explore it.  Additionally, I use these familiar emotions as a way to guide my path and identify my own truths.