Dealing with the Setbacks

I'm trying to be objective and not allow my mind to go down the negative thoughts route.. which is a challenge, but right now I am keeping the negative thoughts at bay, not allowing them to seep in. I just watched the movie 'Up in the Air', and couldn't help but relate to at least portions of the movie.......themes of the movie included having a longing for intimacy, roots, and community... for love, for family, for raising families........and then looking at my current situation, in which I sometimes feel like I am a floater.

When people say they can look to their family, and say that their family gives them purpose, I can't help but get kinda sad or envious, because I may not have that same type of traditional family, if at all. I get sad because I did not choose to have my sexuality this way, but need to adjust to the circumstances of my life in ways that are sometimes excrutiating, painful, and endless.... i mean, I actually have to work to make sure I don't get depressed about it; I have to work in order to build myself up, to avoid thinking about it too much....  and sometimes I just get frustrated because I don't see a way 'out'. There is no 'way out'; this is who I am; I play the role of the cards I have been dealt, and I don't think anybody in the straight world can even closely empathize this situation, because so much of 'life' , 'culture', is centered around traditional value, family, love, building futures together, etc. etc. We grow up socialized into thinking this is 'the' way, 'the' path to fulfillment, success, and growth......

Well, I have been thrown a loop the past 4 years of my life... Up to the moment of coming out, it's like I had this odd feeling that nothing I was doing was 'feeling' right with respect to being with women.  This whole feeling, which manifested itself in feeling insecure, permeated everything else about my life, to the point where I was anxious, scared, and not very confident.  Now that I'm 'out', I feel pretty good..... but the other side of this feeling good, is feeling 'scared'; scared of how I perceive this, finding companionship, seems like an uphill battle,, with just sketchy stories at most turns... where it's just unbelievable that here I am, a good guy with so much to offer, and NOW I have to deal with the homosexual culture.. which is in many ways so fucked up, and so self-centered. I have to deal with putting myself out there, which in many ways requires me to give into the social media frenzy, networking,, etc... or else what? I feel disconnected?

I really have this fear of being disconnected, and not 'plugged in', and I think that being single, gay, and really the captain of my own ship, nothing prevents me from being sucked into this online world of quick exchange,s potential hookups, instant gratifications.. so I can at least feel temporarily fufilled until I hit the next big thing in my life.. which is what? a boyfriend? I'm reminded of a friend of mine who once mentioned that the coming out process is a journey, and sometimes you have several steps forward, 10 steps back, 1 step forward, 1 step back, and so forth... setbacks and successes are occurring; and for something like sexuality.... these 'setbacks' and 'successes' are incredibly emotional, since sexuality is such an intimate part of who we are as human beings..... Will this journey always 'feel' the same?

The Dating Game

Ah, the dating game.  It can be exhilarating for the spirit, but also draining on the spirit. I guess I just need to learn how to take things as they are, and not build things up in my mind. I have had a lot of 'firsts' with guys in the past few months....... and the other night, it was my 'first' to hold a guy's hand, have a tender conversation, and give him a kiss...... it was really a great feeling. But of course, it may have not meant as much to the other person as it did for me... even if I felt there was a connection. So the past day or so i have been waiting for that response, that confirmation from him.. whether he likes me too, whether he wants to go out on another date. If he's not interested, i just wish he would tell me instead of just not responding to emails, which, right now, is the only form of communication.  It just does not make any sense to me when 2 people have a good time, acknowledge they did, share in an intimate moment, then.. not be eager to get back together and continue getting to know eachother. may i'm just old fashioned..... but honestly, i'm totally bummed out that he is not writing back.... so instead of taking it personally, i just wrote again and cut to the chase.. saying i liked him, and wanted to go out again, and if he didn't feel the same way, just let me know, and i won't have any hard feelings. because seriously... nothing sucks more than having a major crush on somebody, thinking that things went well on a first date, and then either never hearing from them again, or.. when you do hear from them, the content or the enthusiasm of the communication does not meet your hopes or expectations.... and that, my friends, is the clincher.. the 'hopes and expectations' of dating.. is the hardest part for me... knowing when to put my own boundaries up, when to cut the cord, when to move in more, when to move away.......... it is the dating game.... and my new strategy is to be up front and honest from the beginning, so i can cut the cord and move on... more for self-preservation than for anything else....

The 'It Gets Better' Project

This project and movement has gone viral, and it just is so hopeful and makes me want to help. To think that teens commit suicide because of being bullied or being scared about being gay just makes me so sad and horrified. I think back to how I was bullied in various ways, not for being gay, but for just being one of those kids that's easy to pick on.. I was bullied in some isolated incidents over the years, and i just wish now i could go back and kick the asses of all the perpetrators, and show them how much stronger i am spiritually, mentally, physically. Any bullying i see infuriates me, and I just want to be a part of something bigger that helps out these kids. It moves my spirit.... brings tears.... to hear about these stories of gay men and women reaching out and sharing their stories of love and courage in order to save the lives of youth in peril. it's just a beautiful wonderful thing, and I would like to contribute, share my story, and help kids out..... i think back to how horrified i was of my own coming out, and i was a relatively stable guy, with a good job, a stable future, lots of friends.. and it was still excruciating. i can't imagine how hard it would be in a world so accessible to cyberbullying, bullying, and lack of privacy.. how awful it would be to be bullied in high school or college for being gay. just breaks my heart. i hope these guys and gals learn to be mentally stronger and courageous to overcome those who torment them, and know that life gets better if you find your true friends, who will embrace you in love, compassion, and acceptance.

Ugh... navigating the line of friendship vs. more

Back when I was living in the straight world, I would have crushes on women, ask them out, and if they only wanted to be friends, I would just never talk to them again. I was obviously totally insecure with myself... and this 'all-or-nothing' approach seemed to work for me, especially since I was on the hunt for a girlfriend. Why waste my time? Well, in the gay world, I don't want to do this.. In fact, making platonic friendships with gay men was something I wanted 3 years ago, and almost wanted this more than dating.. so that I could at least get used to being around gay guys, being 'out', and feeling comfortable. So, zoom forward to current times.. I'm now comfortable being out, and I'm actually going out to coffee, and dates, with guys, and have really enjoyed myself. The trick, though, is... if the other guy shows a sign of genuine platonic friendship, and is not interested in being romantically involved... to what extent can I just be friends if I had a big crush? Well..... this is where communication comes in.. where you either have to hope that the other person sucks it up and expresses their boundaries, or I have to actually say something (which I tend to avoid); or.... I end up playing this cat-and-mouse game where I am hoping they want to be more than friends, so I'll email them, and try to be more than friends. and end up fucking everything up. So, what it comes down to is... I need to better navigate the line between friendship and relationship with new gay male friends I meet.... and it's tough. I think the best way to do this is to be honest with my own intentions first...... before I reach out to another person through email, etc......  It's difficult for me to be attracted to friends who I want more than just friends. I usual reaction is to just drop the friendship in order to avoid the feelings.... BUT.. I think this is not a good thing to do, especially when 2 gay friends I have recently met, who just want to be friends, really enjoy my company... so I should not ignore that, but should foster that instead... but keep it at a comfortable level with sufficient boundaries so everybody is comfortable.

Wouldn't It Be Easier to Be a Monk?!?

God I am having a horrible week with setting my boundaries.. feeling a bit manic and a bit out of touch with my center..... Starting off with a wonderful time with a work pal tonight, having a few beers.... then made it home, only to decide to meet up with some random dude for a makeout session.. then... lo and behold, I feel gross afterwards. imagine that. It only took 3 beers and I was almost drunk. goes to show my tolerance level....

............... feeling like total ass right now, and should have NOT done this tonight.

Fuck, I promised myself to complete my lecture notes for the students by Friday afternoon.. not meeting my professional obligations. not a good thing. Meeting with realtor early in the morning for house inspection. will take most of the morning.

You know what they say.. you have a problem when things start to interfere with your professional goals and obligations.. Maybe it's time to check in again.. with the shrink.

This weekend will be re-center, work, solitude, re-pent, purify, exercise, prayer and church... and.... back to counselor a little earlier than expected.

Is it a combination of things? the nice weather makes me a bit impulsive, the alchohol, the feeling of liberation of my gayness.. and perhaps the added stress of a lot on my plate, as well as my decreased medication regimen dose. Something needs to change..... and quickly.

These bad nights make me want to become a monk.

Maybe My Gaydar Does Work?!?

Well, it's amazing what a day can bring..... as well as new friendships..... so I tried a new dating site recommended by a new friend of mine, and within the first 2 days of being on it, I already have conversed with 2 or 3 guys, and have asked all of them out on dates. That was fast, and crazy cool. Perhaps this is the 'in' site where some actual normal gay guys are hanging out. I haven't seen these dudes on the other pay sites, so many I have just tapped into a good resource. This made me feel a lot better.. I mean, it's nice to have hope.. to have people who are interested in meeting you, going on dates, and meeting hot, friendly guys is a good thing...  And here I was feeling sorry for myself that I wasn't getting anywhere. I mean, one guy on the site I actually saw at the vet's office this morning. this was a perfect in to introduce myself 'online' to him, and he immediately responded. Funny. My gaydar is working!!!!

Can We Just Be Friends... Yuck...

OK.. so that last entry was a bit over the top. Fuck. I guess I was just exhausted and wiped out... clearly, because here I am 8 hours later, waking up from falling asleep on the couch! Gee. This is the classic sign of my being too tired for my own good. I am now confused about where my 'boundaries' have gone. Is my exhaustion because I'm doing too much? Taking on too much? Being too social? Stressed about work? Stressed about house purchase? I guess I have a few things on my plate, some uncertainty. I also woke up feeling partially like an idiot for feeling sorry for myself, considering that most of these issues are just related to 'dating' and not necessarily being gay.  It's hard to meet quality guys! And it's a bummer when you do meet a guy who you have a crush on and may not be available. That was the source of my angst last night.... I have a crush on somebody, but I don't think it's mutual, and he's moving to another city soon anyhow. I can't tell if the crush is worth pursuing, and I have always had problems being only 'friends' with somebody who I have a crush on; especially if I am remotely attracted to them. So, this will become the challenge of meeting gay guys, and distinguishing between 'just friends' or 'more than friends'. It would be like being in the straight world, and becoming friends with women you find attractive, and the rule that is always debated by straights ".. you can never just be friends with a woman because there is always some sexual tension,, it's inevitable"....      I am afraid I will be needing to get used to this more and more..... as I go on more dates, and meet guys, there will be a discernment needed between 'do i want to just be friends', or 'potential more than friends'; and then figuring out how to keep the lines of communication open.  this is tricky because I enjoy friendships with my straight guy pals, so why should this be any different? i think it's the expectations of going out with gay guys, and wondering... 'ok, do they just want to be friends? if i ask them out again, do they think i want to date them, etc'.. I think I need to learn how to be honest and direct without hurting anyone's feelings. At the same time, I need to learn how to 'take the heat' as well. It's this fear of rejection that fucking sucks. And it's the flip side too... knowing I have to dole out the rejection communication also... Yuck. I don't like confrontation or difficult emotional conversations that are even remotely related to rejection. it's one of my fears...

A Difficult Evening.....

I am having a rough night... I haven't had one of these in a long while.... a rough night characterized by a little bit of fear, a little bit of despair, and some exhaustion, some crying... about the whole gay thing. Just everything..... the whole fucking thing.......... everything included in the whole experience is exhausting........ going to counseling; dealing with sexual obsessions; going on bad dates; not knowing how the fuck to meet people who I like; of the people I like I don't know how and if to tell them I just want to be friends and that is all; I feel needy, tired, and just fucking sick of all of this. Of course I am also just physically exhausted.....  

I think i just got really scared today at counseling, when a much more serious tone and issue came up with my craigs list surfing, and it's like I finally realize how fucked up it is to hook up on CL, and it made me scared to realize how cavalier and how desensitized I have become to the whole sex thing... that it shook me quite a bit... shook me to the point of realizing that it really was becoming an addiction.. an addition for connection.... a connection that was not really intimacy, but intimacy cloaked in deception and cheap short-lived sex that never goes far, and never builds a foundation.... ..

...... and now that I have vowed to myself and others to quit surfing that CL site for attempted hookups,  I realize how empty I must have been feeling, especially since I just would turn to CL surfing during my time of tired bordem and/or anxiety, and it became a filler... a convenient way to block the bordem, and fear, and impossiblity of actually meeting somebody for real, connecting with them, and talking....

I felt a sadness tonight when I was so eager to keep IMing a real gay friend I have just met, had just come from a date with him... .. and when we stopped messaging after some fun banter, I felt a sense of loss...  I felt this sense of being abandoned, and just wanted to grab on for dear life and just talk to him, be with him, and have that male friendship with a gay man I actually think is attractive.

.. and it made me kinda melancholy instead of happy that I become friends with him... sad because I kinda have a crush on him; sad because I don't know how to deal with it; sad because I think he just wants to be friends. Sad, because I find it challenging to communicate with all these guys I've been going on dates with.

.....Sad because why the fuck can't I have fun on these dates instead of overthink things? Why do I have to be gay? Why does my mind have to race so much? Why does somebody have to go to counseling just to deal with who they are??!??  FUCK. I need to go to sleep is what I need to do, but I just feel at a loss now......for words, for clarity, for a rationale of why I get so darn frustrated and upset about dating and/or adjusting to being gay.

Lenten Journey: Toward Another Step of Healing

Today, Ash Wednesday, marks the first day of the beginning of the Lenten Season celebrated within the Catholic Church. I have decided this year I am going to give it a full effort of trying to search within and grow as an individual. I have been away from the church for quite a few months now, easily making excuses that I use Sunday morning to relax, pay bills, and sleep in. 

But, as I realized in Mass today, I have been neglecting that deep spiritual side of me from which I draw so much strength and inner peace. As of late, I have been replacing this instead with an almost manic-like attempt of searching for hook-ups, going on as many dates as possible, and trying to fill the void with activity. During this time, I have tried to conform myself to particular people I may want to date, ignoring my heart that says I may be trying to hard to like somebody. I have even turned a bit cavalier (although always staying safe) in my few hookups, which leave me feeling a bit confused and befuddled on how and why I have attempted to separate sex from love, which in theory, should be intertwined, and how disconcerting it is that I am now separating them in my own mind, when for most of my life, believed that these are, and should always be, intertwined.

This in turn has affected how I view my own sexuality, in why I am not feeling those attractions that I have in my fantasies, which in turn, make me worry about what path I'm even going down in the first place. So, how did I get myself into this homosexual mess in the first place? Sometimes I wonder whether it would be easier to be 'celibate', so I don't have to 'get used' to being gay. The whole 'getting used to it' is a rite-of-passage, I'm sure, but does the presence of discomfort during this rite-of-passage indicate the 'unnatural' state of homosexuality? If yes, will it ever become easier? If no, why is it so difficult to get used to this?

I'm hoping my Lenten journey allows me to seek out that deep inner peace which has been muted while I squander about with my fantasies and desires. I now 'feel' how 'sex' can be viewed as sinful if separated from love and compassion. It troubles the heart and soul on a deep level. I am going to put in my best faith effort during Lent 2011 to start in on a regular schedule of meditation and music therapy; during which I will use my energies positively in order to develop my faith and revisit my spiritual dimension.

slowly coming out; and trying to enjoy dating

i wonder what people think, if they notice. that slowly but surely, i am friending gay venues on fb which are then broadcasted to pretty much all 400 of my friends. hell, i don't care anymore. i mean, i'm at the point where networking and meeting people is becoming a need to survive, to be happy, in this new phase of my life. i am just surprised at how easy it was, or how easy it feels, to become more participatory...

things to look forward to.....

1. AIDS walk in april with the gay catholic group
2. small theater productions in march (meeting a whole new group of folks through a friend of mine)
3. new facebook networking (we will see where this goes.. 'cold' calling....)
4. upcoming dates with a variety of guys (met through cl, gay catholic group, or friends)
5. arts council venues... (gay community have 'friended' these venues as well... good sign)
6. participating in the catholic gay group.. which now meets regularly
7. participating in the young gay group, who also meets regularly, and am feeling more comfortable now

all of these items above i hope will decrease my need to surf cl for hookups, and pine for a relationship... i figure right now, my goal is to meet as many people as possible, and try to get a feel for the environment and what is out there. i should not feel obligated to commit exclusively to somebody right now, which in some ways is causing me some anxiety because i do not want to disappoint anybody, or lead them on in the wrong way. i guess this is part of the dating game..... the dating game i have never really played, b/c in the hetero world, i zoned in on one woman and stuck with her,,.. which in hindsight... may have been due to my insecurities... (i.e.. thank goodness i have just met somebody, now i don't have to pretend to be straight, because i am dating a woman now). 

so perhaps this is what dating is all about? going on dates with mutliple people, meeting lots of guys, and having fun..

imagine that!

epiphany using networking techniques.. baboom!!!

networking breakthrough. facebook is the tool of choice for me now. i have figured out how to intersect those who have 'friended' the local gay community center, with mutual friends of mine, who i then send a facebook message, introduce myself as have mutual friends and looking to network and meet other guys in the gay community. baboom. i've already found some very seemingly random connections that would not have occurred without this networking web. so, now i am just hopeful and enthusiastic for discovering this new venue; and now i get to look forward to meeting a whole new network of people. next steps...

1. continue this FB networking technique
2. accept invitation to go to the small theater musical production of a friend of mine.
3. show up to local grassroots art festivals and venues..... which are commonly 'friended' by the gay community