Today, Ash Wednesday, marks the first day of the beginning of the Lenten Season celebrated within the Catholic Church. I have decided this year I am going to give it a full effort of trying to search within and grow as an individual. I have been away from the church for quite a few months now, easily making excuses that I use Sunday morning to relax, pay bills, and sleep in.
But, as I realized in Mass today, I have been neglecting that deep spiritual side of me from which I draw so much strength and inner peace. As of late, I have been replacing this instead with an almost manic-like attempt of searching for hook-ups, going on as many dates as possible, and trying to fill the void with activity. During this time, I have tried to conform myself to particular people I may want to date, ignoring my heart that says I may be trying to hard to like somebody. I have even turned a bit cavalier (although always staying safe) in my few hookups, which leave me feeling a bit confused and befuddled on how and why I have attempted to separate sex from love, which in theory, should be intertwined, and how disconcerting it is that I am now separating them in my own mind, when for most of my life, believed that these are, and should always be, intertwined.
This in turn has affected how I view my own sexuality, in why I am not feeling those attractions that I have in my fantasies, which in turn, make me worry about what path I'm even going down in the first place. So, how did I get myself into this homosexual mess in the first place? Sometimes I wonder whether it would be easier to be 'celibate', so I don't have to 'get used' to being gay. The whole 'getting used to it' is a rite-of-passage, I'm sure, but does the presence of discomfort during this rite-of-passage indicate the 'unnatural' state of homosexuality? If yes, will it ever become easier? If no, why is it so difficult to get used to this?
I'm hoping my Lenten journey allows me to seek out that deep inner peace which has been muted while I squander about with my fantasies and desires. I now 'feel' how 'sex' can be viewed as sinful if separated from love and compassion. It troubles the heart and soul on a deep level. I am going to put in my best faith effort during Lent 2011 to start in on a regular schedule of meditation and music therapy; during which I will use my energies positively in order to develop my faith and revisit my spiritual dimension.
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