I'm not learning...... I keep making the same mistakes.... I keep giving into my negative emotions, my temptations, and I end up beating myself up over it, which just makes everything worse. I feel circular thoughts that go into panic, because I am worried about whether I'm doing something wrong, whether it is me. I get frustrated b/c I find myself back into a cycle which I tried to avoid in the first place, a cycle of emotions which is triggered by crushes on guys, expectations that end up leading to disappointment... basically, situations where I cannot remain 'stable' becuase my emotions get affected by my external environment. makes me feel like I'm needy; which then makes me feel vulnerable, as if these idiosyncracies are exuding from me in such an obvious way, that I end up scaring guys away. Why do I say this? I say this because of lack of patience, which can come across on email like I'm putting pressure on somebody or a situation, when really... maybe I'm not wanting to? but I am, inevitably? comes across that way... where I can't just wait and let something develop. It's hard for me. I don't know what else to do about it. How do I work on the skill of 'patience'? it's so ambiguous; so annoying; so unproductive. But I need to see it from the other person's perspective: if I had somebody breatheing down my neck, not giving me a chance to respond an initiate, then imbalance would occur from the very beginning. I'm already afraid I've fucked up. Just by appearing eager and potentially impatient, I think I may have just screwed my chances with this guy. I'm really purposefully making an effort to NOT contact him.... the point has been made.. i told him I like him, and want to go out with him again; so maybe I should just rest assured that the ball is in his court.
Meanwhile, I'm obsessing about this stuff when I really should be cramming for lectures, and I just go really behind last month, and all my deadlines are suddenly upon me. These strressors are all coming in at once, and the way to deal with them: coping with this takes mental power, patience, and trust; which is totally what i am LACKING right now, for some reason. I feel like I need to be methodical, instead of just rolling with it, and jumping right in, and going with my intuition. makes me feel frozen when I feel like I run out of time, and my original plans do not go through. Powerless. Cannot meet expectations. Feel frustrated.
Then, I think of the rejection..... really having a crush on a guy, then, when it is not returned, it feels like a punch in the face. I wish I could just roll with things and let them develop. What types of strategies? well, my first strategy was to try to find other guys as a distraction, so I went on a hunt... for hookups... which inevitably brought me into the CL cycle (but this time on A4A), and led me into some self-revolting situations, where I ended up taking a anti-panic pill just to calm my nerves the rest of the day.
Fuck. I feel like I have mental issues. This is crazy. I feel like this is a very unattractive part of me, that I don't know what to do about, and that it would make somebody not want to date me... all of these idiosyncracies that make me who I am... enthusaistic with a bit of impatience, a bit neurotic, creative, ups and downs, emotional.. .. would somebody want to date me because of those? Why am I suddenly feeling like I am unwanted?
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I've been following you for a while now. All I know about you is what you have written in this blog. I'd like for you to be happy and have a boyfriend, just as you want. Undoubtedly you have a lot of great qualities to share with a good man.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, I believe your lack of patience is merely a symptom of your fundamental problem: you don't love yourself enough. Solve that problem and many of the issues you've written about will disappear.
It's a cliche' that you can't love someone else until you love yourself. But it's also true. When you love yourself, you're content to have an independent, self-sufficient life. You don't need to be impatient; you're ok regardless of whether you hear back from a guy or not.
I have this idea that you are hungry to fill an emptiness within you. The fact is, no one can. We each have to be mostly fulfilled all on our own because when others come into our lives there's no guarantees what gaps they'll fill or how well they'll fill them.
My suggestion is that you put yourself through self-love boot camp. Stop reaching out to strangers - completely. Close down whatever on-line profiles you have and keep them closed. Instead, focus on constructing a diverse, interesting life that makes you happy all on your own. That life will certainly include friends and family; make the most of your existing relationships instead of trying to woo strangers. By spending time with people who already like you, you'll put yourself in a positive feedback loop instead of the negative one that is fed by strangers who don't even know you.
Spend six months working on making you happy with you, then reevaluate to see if you're ready to let someone else bask in the glory of your new-found awesomeness.
this is probably the best advice I have heard in years; and probably also the most challenging, and I thank you for that. The challenge to let go of online profiles scares the hell out of me for some reason, b/c I have this irrational fear that it will disconnect me with a future relationship. It's strange.. I thought that coming out of the closet would at least resolve some of the issues of not fully loving myself, but I guess I'm not quite there yet..... something to keep working on.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what Two Lives has suggested to you.
ReplyDeleteWhen you find yourself and are ready to reach out again, don't reach out to receive. Instead reach out to give.
I've never lacked for companionship. I have a number of great friends who tell me they owe their lives to me for what I've done for them. The thing is, each of these guys has done something good in my life as well. Our relationship has been truly symbiotic.
The old saying is, "If you would have a friend, be a friend." Never was there better advice. Be truly sensitive to the needs of those around you. Be truly caring and willing to help in ways that you can help. Be willing to play a part in someone else's life without smothering them with your life.
The other old saying is, "If you love someone, set them free." Be a friend that never tries to possess. Make sure you always let those you love maintain their sense of freedom. Let you life be simply a part of theirs and let their life simply be a part of yours. But as Two Lives suggests find the ability to fulfill yourself in and of yourself.
One of my best friends, and coincidentally one who says he owes everything to my helping him, found the companion he had always desired and is a happy man. But he only found that companion AFTER he had determined that he could live build a happy and fulfilling life on his own as a single man.
The key is that no one worth while wants to hang around with someone who is needy. But everyone likes to find someone who is willing to help with their own needs. Become the person is self sufficient and fulfilled within himself and his own interests. Be truly sensitive and caring about others and willing to help with their needs.
You'll find people will want to be around you.
Jack Scott
this is all very good advice. First, I've had some insights that my own blog entries are written in the midst of my emotional drama, so when I feel much better after venting, I look back and think.. jeesh.... this is intense. many of these things are in my own head. As I share these things on my blog. @Jack: the advice about having the goal of giving instead of receiving is actually how I operate in normal life; it's just that for some reason, i need to get over my hangup with needing a boyfriend. That hangup comes across as needy. It's weird.. the other parts of my life with all my friends, family, I'm the opposite of needy... In the "i want a BF' department, it's opposite. I think I need to start changing that. thank you for the insights :)
ReplyDelete