Deep Thoughts from a Chat Room

Through an email / chat-room relationship (See November 1st posting: The Cyberspace Connection: Is It Real?), I have learned quite a bit about myself, and what I want in a relationship. I'm surprised that something across the internet would form such a true bond of friendship and intimacy. Even though it will most likely not lead to a "real" relationship, which is frustrating, I have learned about how I tick. This really is the first time I've been uninhibited to express feelings to another man I'm attracted to. It's been interesting, a bit frustrating, a little sad, and exhilarating at the same time.

First, I now know that the potential for love for a man can exist for me. Even though this friendship with B is just on-line, we have a deep connection with respect to how we are both sensitive, considerate, thoughtful, and have mutual hobbies.  Also, I'm very attracted to him on multiple levels. Finally, I think about him a lot.  So, although the frustrating truth is that we will most likely never meet or be together, I at least have discovered another layer of my homosexuality.  I can tell he cares about me, and I care about him.  I maintain hope for a long-term friendship, no matter what happens. In the meantime, I enjoy his company.

Second, I now know that intimate emotional feelings can be linked to sexual attraction.  It sounds strange to say that, but I can point to certain things that I did *not* say in previous relationships... (like, I "want" you). as well as things that I *did* say (I want to take care of you) that were not linked to deeper sexual tendencies.  It's an important truth to know.  And now, I've gained perspective on how tough it must have been for previous girlfriend T to hear I was gay, especially since she said she wanted me, cared about me, and was attracted to me. Odd as it sounds, I have now experienced those feelings... at least a taste of them... of wanting and fantasizing about B, and caring about him as a friend. I have linked the emotional connection with the sexual connection... which I realize is critical for a healthy relationship with anybody.

The Cyberspace Connection: Is It Real?

I'm emotionally and physically attracted to a young man met in a chat room. Am I a crazy lunatic? A male slut? I ask myself this. My fantasies are getting ahead of me; the emotions I feel though nag at my solitude, and my yearning for a connection. So, when it happens, it's hard to just walk away. Here is the story: I met a younger dude on a chat room, and we hit it off, and we've been chatting regularly ever since. Deep conversations. Laughter. Sharing intimate emotions with one another. Establishing a trust.  Last night we talked about a movie, and shared a few clips from online, and discussed. We also talked about white water canoeing, wine, and camping. The attraction is mutual, and is difficult for me to process because it is an impossible situation: he's does not live in the USA.  This may begin and end as a chat-room romance, but I must say, I like the guy, and look forward to at least being pen-pals, for what it is worth. Meanwhile, I pursue local :) dates, to no avail.  Frustrating, but true. Dead ends. I try to tell myself that I've made it pretty far this year; so I shouldn't beat myself up over this. It does not diminish the need to be loved and be in a close relationship. So, my quest continues.

To keep this void filled, I have a quest to find a new job, which will lead me to new cites, new experiences, and new worlds.  This keeps the hope alive.  I think I'm already emotionally separating myself from North Carolina; knowing the inevitable: I want to move on.  I want to re-define myself in all aspects, including my environment.

So, even if my cyber-pal friendship is transient and the quest to get to know him more may not lead anywhere "real", at least my job search will bring me to new lands.

And in the meantime, I continue to grow.