Is Having A Gay Sexual Fantasy a Litmus Test for Being Gay?

Would it be crazy to admit that I want to date a guy in order to confirm that I'm going down the right path? I mean, let me be frank about another fear of mine: What happens if this is all in my head? Are my fantasies just a some type of psychosexual by-product of past sexual intimacy issues? I can't deny that my relationships with women have been fucked up, but what was the cause: my hypothetical gayness, or the dynamics of the relationship? Who will ever know? The head games have been plaguing me for years, hence the urgent need to break up with my most recent girlfriend. When things got serious, I had to be honest with myself, and with her.  I had no choice but to openly admit I was questioning my sexuality, and had been secretly doing so for years. 

 My logic thus far for why I think I am gay are 2 fold: 

1) my failure to have healthy sexual intimacy with women
2) discrete events i can identify from my past that demonstrates my attraction to guys.  

So, what gives? What else is a psychiatrist to say? Or friends, or family? I've heard the pro-heterosexual arguments of how erections can be hindered by dysfunctional relationships, but I am *so* tired of hearing these "hopeful" arguments from my parents and select friends.  How could many attempts for sex over two years lead to erectile issues due to a dysfunctional relationship? The simple biological response of sexual attraction and erections would overpower those other factors at least in some situations, I would guess.  According to my straight friends, they still can get erections after fights with their spouses.

So for those who continue the arguments of how somebody can be "cured" of homosexuality; from what I have recently read, one needs to be careful to make the distinction between homosexual behavior by the "true" homosexual versus the "true" heterosexual.  For the heterosexual engaging in homosexual behavior as an experimental phase, this person may in fact be able be "cured" of homosexual behavior if their true sexual attraction falls more with somebody of the opposite sex.  For the true homosexual engaging in homosexual behavior, this person I would argue cannot be "cured", since their biological and emotional responses to men cannot necessarily be changed. The phenomenon of sexual attraction, which I would argue is innate, may happen between a man and a woman, woman and woman, man and man.  In turn, sexual fantasies may be a by-product of this natural attraction. Just has a heterosexual man may be inclined to fantasize (most of the time) about women when masturbating, a homosexual man may be inclined to fantasize (most of the time) about men. If it is "easier", so to speak, for a so-called heterosexual man to fantasize about being with a man, it may not be necessarily a bad thing for this man to question his sexuality and explore a bit. In fact, I would argue that exploration is better than repression, the latter of which causes latent guilt, depression, and anxiety.

So, I would put it out there: that one potential litmus test for homosexuality is being honest with yourself about your sexual fantasies. Let's get it out there: fantasies can be in during your actual dreams; as well as those you cook up when you are either masturbating by yourself, or having sexual relations with your partner. How many of these fantasies are gay? How many are straight? Most guys, although will not admit, have had same-sex sexual fantasies. I used this to rationalize my behavior for years.  But, the difference between a homosexual and a heterosexual would be the *prevalence* of gay fantasies over straight fantasies.

So, despite my own personal convictions, being "almost sure" I am gay, I'm continually frustrated at how difficult it is to **move on***.  First, I'm not the type to have a one-night stand; second, all on-line encounters have been sketchy at best; third: i'm afraid I won't find the ideal guy for me, especially since my own homophobic feelings are still present.  For example, I don't identify with effeminate gay men; it's actually a huge turn off. In contrast, I would identify with a masculine male who appeared to be straight, especially one who had family values, kindness and compassion, and a good solid sense of self-awareness. Does this exist only in straight men? If so, I'm screwed.

So, my journey continues. Yes, I have had 2 dates with 2 different guys. But, my next goal: repeat dates with the same dude; with whom I have  a "connection"; a feeling that I have yet to experience with a gay guy.

So boys, continue your fantasies, and be true to yourselves. If you are straight and have a rare gay dream here and again, don't freak out.  If you are in the closet, and have had consistently repeated gay dreams, examine yourself a bit more. Dare to delve into your deepest fears or truths. You'll be amazed at what you find, and how you grow.