Toxic Promiscuity

In my recent conversations with new friends online, I can see how promiscuity, in any form, heterosexual, or homosexual, in person, or on the internet...can result in jealousy, betrayal, distrust, erosion of a relationship.  I am dumbfounded of some of the viewpoints of guys I have befriended.....seeming, in my opinion, to muddle the lines between sex, friendship, and love. Sex is so integrated with love, that I cannot understand how sex without love cannot damage.  I've been challenged in a way to think more open-minded though.. in that: is having sex OK if it is love, but not romantic love? What if those individuals have both consented, and care about each other as friends, and agree to sexual relations? They still care for eachother, right? And having sex is simply an extension of physical affection, even within a non-romantic loving relationship? Does that mean hookups in the absence of relationships are OK? Or, having "friends with benefits" makes sexual relations OK, even if it hurts those friends who care about you? Many questions to ponder. Despite my supposed gayness, I will still stick to monogamous relationships.  Or, more precisely, if I end up in a relationship that leads to physical intimacy, I would never think about having sex with a separate person outside of that relationship I have built.  I want to be with a partner who also believes the same.  The act of sex outside the loving relationships (i.e: cheating) cheapens the special bond created between two lovers, and results in an erosion of trust and love.

International Love Triangle?

So I have a crush on one 20 something dude, and then was introduced to his best friend, 30-something dude. Both are gay.  20 something dude has has a previous crush on 30-something dude.  30 something dude starts writing me and telling me these things, and also starts hitting on me. The Devil in me wants to have online friendship with both, even though they are best friends.  The Angel in me wants to continue with 20-something dude only, and not hurt his feelings.  My heart and spirit tell me to throw up the emotional boundaries as soon as possible, and pursue a real relationship with a guy my age, in my home country. God help me. See, when you follow your hormones, and your penis, you screw yourself over, as well as everybody else.  Some of these guys have no boundaries themselves, and I begin to realize how promiscuity, and a mismatch of Christian morals, and sexuality, is not very good for the spirit. In fact, it is toxic.  So, that is my lesson for today.  God help me that I do not get emotionally enraptured in an International Love Triangle that leaves me feeling angry or jealous, chasing a dream that does not exist, and is only an illusion.

Tracing my Etiology of Gayness

My dad and I had lunch the other day, and we had a good chat about my sexual identity issues.  My dad is totally cool with it.  He tried to explain the difference between the counseling for "coming out" versus the counseling for "figuring it out".  He said it would be good to see somebody that could help me trace the "etiology" of my development, so I could at least know how and why things went the way they did. His suggestion made me pause, and think... huh.. that's actually a good idea. I have done this in my journal, but have not verbalized. For example, I can remember exact moments and emotions throughout childhood... in extreme detail... that pointed me toward that curiousity of males.  At times, it was strong. Many times, I did not feel like I fit in.  So, I am eager to explore these paths out loud.  The list in my journal can come alive once I speak of it to a counselor, and perhaps I will be on a journey of coming to terms with who I am.

Making Things Real Again

I'm having difficult times, perhaps because I have a lot of extra time.  I have major crush on a guy.... an online relationship.  Sounds crazy, but it feels real, and it makes me depressed because it will most likely not become real.  Difficult times persist, as I think about him..... We talk on line every night; starting to talk on the phone too.  And then, I continue to notice more guys when I'm out and about town. My God, I'm so gay. It's crazy.  I was in a coffee shop today, for instance, and I noticed a guy.... reminded me of Patrick Dempsey (Grey's Anatomy). I just wanted him to notice me. I kept checking him out.... his eyes were hot.

I'm not sure what to do. So, yes, I would like to have a relationship.  And, yes, I would like to try dating a guy. And, yes, I feel like I have tried everything (with exception of hanging out with meetup.com groups).  So, perhaps my next mission is to get out of the on-line world, and C-List, and start networking again. This will make things real.

The journey continues.

At least I have a job hunt to keep me busy.

Deep Thoughts from a Chat Room

Through an email / chat-room relationship (See November 1st posting: The Cyberspace Connection: Is It Real?), I have learned quite a bit about myself, and what I want in a relationship. I'm surprised that something across the internet would form such a true bond of friendship and intimacy. Even though it will most likely not lead to a "real" relationship, which is frustrating, I have learned about how I tick. This really is the first time I've been uninhibited to express feelings to another man I'm attracted to. It's been interesting, a bit frustrating, a little sad, and exhilarating at the same time.

First, I now know that the potential for love for a man can exist for me. Even though this friendship with B is just on-line, we have a deep connection with respect to how we are both sensitive, considerate, thoughtful, and have mutual hobbies.  Also, I'm very attracted to him on multiple levels. Finally, I think about him a lot.  So, although the frustrating truth is that we will most likely never meet or be together, I at least have discovered another layer of my homosexuality.  I can tell he cares about me, and I care about him.  I maintain hope for a long-term friendship, no matter what happens. In the meantime, I enjoy his company.

Second, I now know that intimate emotional feelings can be linked to sexual attraction.  It sounds strange to say that, but I can point to certain things that I did *not* say in previous relationships... (like, I "want" you). as well as things that I *did* say (I want to take care of you) that were not linked to deeper sexual tendencies.  It's an important truth to know.  And now, I've gained perspective on how tough it must have been for previous girlfriend T to hear I was gay, especially since she said she wanted me, cared about me, and was attracted to me. Odd as it sounds, I have now experienced those feelings... at least a taste of them... of wanting and fantasizing about B, and caring about him as a friend. I have linked the emotional connection with the sexual connection... which I realize is critical for a healthy relationship with anybody.

I Don't Get It

So, i went on a date tonight. I guess this is 3 dates, 3 different guys, the past couple of months. Wow. I'm on a roll. We actually had a pretty good time. But, I'm so curious about one thing: how closeted gay guys can have sex with women. It's so odd to me, especially since I've had no such experience at all.... in fact, the lack of sex itself was the clue for me that I was gay.  Just a little oddity.  I also discovered that this area where I live does not necessarily have a very "active" scene.. which makes it difficult to meet folks. Very strange culture that I'm trying to break into. Not sure if I fit.  Am I supposed to be instantly attracted to guys I go on dates with? It's such a mystery still, this world.  I wonder when the truth will be revealed to me.....  

The Challenges of Controlling Hormones

Despite the difficulties, longings, and need for patience........ I feel lucky that I at least have identified my needs, that I would like to be with a guy, and that I'm past the insecurities that prevented me in the past from even wanting to go on a date with a guy. For that, I am thankful.

This glimmer of hope, for a stable, normal, homosexual relationship is what keeps me sane... I should keep this in mind before going down the path of mindless hookups,, which would be potentially destructive.

I think about how heterosexual guys in college feel, with all these women around wanting to have sex. I never had that feeling, but I'm now starting to have that lust... and it makes me a bit nervous b/c I don't want to be promiscuous, but at the same time, my hormones and need for intimacy are screaming at me...

So, i continue with patience, with my head on straight... so I keep my center... I pray for a real relationship sometime in the near future..

The Fruitfulness of On-Line Encounters

Interesting encounters on the chat rooms. I met a model. And we chatted for a while, and got to know each other. Yes, he was pretty good looking. I thought it was pretty cool that a model wanted to even chat with me.  Also, I continue to chat weekly with a friend of mine in Canada. We are becoming close. I do not know where it will go, but he is a really good guy. I can honestly say we are building a trusting, real friendship as pen-pals.  Who would have ever thought. I'm also having some luck with some guys on Craigs List who are not sketchy, one is a med student.

So, I break all my own stereotypes.. that CL and perhaps chat rooms can lead to fruitful, and healthy outcomes.. but you have to be careful, patient, and discerning.  I guess the "medium" through which you meet somebody does not matter, as long as the connection itself is safe, healthy, and fun.... is what counts..

The adventure continues as I comb for dates with dudes; new gay friends on-line.  I continue to be encouraged meeting masculine dudes, who do not fit the gay stereotype that society does so well in perpetuating.  I'm starting to have fun, almost :)

Moving to a new city will also help me greatly.  I can make a break with this town, move to another, and create a new life.  This town was my practice run.  Next city: I can bring my skills with me... Watch out world...  here I come...

Fucking Frustrating as Hell

Wow. My parents just do not get it. "You don't want to go to a therapist who specializes in coming out if you are not sure"... Blah, blah, blah. Hello!! I am sure people. Fuck. How much more obvious could it be. I come out to you all, now I have to fucking justify everything to you? what the hell. Then I have to do what you tell me for December and not travel around the country b/c I need to be in therapy? Who the fuck are you people? Why are you running my life?  So, yes, I need therapy, but more for dealing with how to deal with my parents. That's what it is.

I do not know how much more clear I could be. I am gay. At this point, I want to be. I don't want to be with women. I want to be with guys. It makes me feel better, makes me feel more whole.

God DAMN it. This is it. I feel like shutting them out of my life just to figure this out myself. They have no business meddling and micromanaging my psychotherapy. I'm not going to share things with them anymore. This is just so fucking maddening.

I don't know what to do except defy my parents.

The Cyberspace Connection: Is It Real?

I'm emotionally and physically attracted to a young man met in a chat room. Am I a crazy lunatic? A male slut? I ask myself this. My fantasies are getting ahead of me; the emotions I feel though nag at my solitude, and my yearning for a connection. So, when it happens, it's hard to just walk away. Here is the story: I met a younger dude on a chat room, and we hit it off, and we've been chatting regularly ever since. Deep conversations. Laughter. Sharing intimate emotions with one another. Establishing a trust.  Last night we talked about a movie, and shared a few clips from online, and discussed. We also talked about white water canoeing, wine, and camping. The attraction is mutual, and is difficult for me to process because it is an impossible situation: he's does not live in the USA.  This may begin and end as a chat-room romance, but I must say, I like the guy, and look forward to at least being pen-pals, for what it is worth. Meanwhile, I pursue local :) dates, to no avail.  Frustrating, but true. Dead ends. I try to tell myself that I've made it pretty far this year; so I shouldn't beat myself up over this. It does not diminish the need to be loved and be in a close relationship. So, my quest continues.

To keep this void filled, I have a quest to find a new job, which will lead me to new cites, new experiences, and new worlds.  This keeps the hope alive.  I think I'm already emotionally separating myself from North Carolina; knowing the inevitable: I want to move on.  I want to re-define myself in all aspects, including my environment.

So, even if my cyber-pal friendship is transient and the quest to get to know him more may not lead anywhere "real", at least my job search will bring me to new lands.

And in the meantime, I continue to grow.