Navigation Checkpoint

Honestly, at this point, it is much easier to just blow off dating and not even worry about meeting somebody. The pulling up of the dating sites, the surfing, and constant hope being drowned out by no responses just creates a hopelessness that I would rather not even think about, because the other parts of my life, thank goodness, bring forth so much peace and enjoyment.  If I didn't have an interesting career or be surrounded by good pals, or was not immersing myself into interesting hobbies, things would be pretty much a drag. 

But, at the same time,, that is sad, is that if I DO think about the hopeless dating situation, it DOES drag me down and get me depressed. It's like I start playing those question scenarios in my head, wondering if I'm doing everything possible to get a date, if it's me, and not the other person, if I've tried everything in the book, if I need to control things more, or just let things go. And if I let things go, will things happen, just like they do in the hetero world? Am I putting myself into the correct situations to meet somebody, and if not, how do I do it?

That in fact is the million dollar question: Am I putting myself in the right settings/situations in order to meet another guy? If not, what do I need to do to change things? The online venues are not working at all, people don't even write back.. which is an abysmal sign that most dudes online are just apathetic, picky, desperate, assholes, or a combination of all of these. 

I've tried, and did not work: 

a) online dating sites (works once in a blue moon; not sure if I need to play the game better) 

b) craigslist hookups (works for hookups, sometimes... even then, waste of time, risky, and stressful)

c) craigslist platonic dating (dodge-y) 

d) tried to volunteer for an organization (young'ins 20's-30's, uncomfortable; also rude and not responsive; self-absorbed, stereotypical gays; depressing and annoying; homophobia creeps in)

e) showing up to gay line dancing (40's and 50's; more comfortable with women; guys are cliqueish; uncomfortable doing traditional dancing with guys)

I tried and made some good friends: 

a) HOPE Catholic group (great group of guys....) 

b) Friends of Dorothy (I still keep in touch with them)

c) AIDS walk

Have not tried, but want to do, not sure how.. 

a) go to more bars and events (but, get shy, don't want to go alone) 

b) like: Missie B's, Hamburger Mary's, Bistro 303

When 'Gay In Theory' meets "Gay In Practice'

When I read the book called "Boys Like Us", I can relate so much to these coming out stories that my own emotions from years ago become palpable as if I experienced these complex emotions just yesterday. Again, this is both a confirmation, as well as an affirmation of who I am, and as I grow into myself more and more, I feel a sense of relief compared to the discomfort, fear, and self-loathing experienced at the beginning of this coming out journey. 

I'm surprised at how real the emotions become as I read these well-written coming out stories..... again, the emotions are so palpable.. that it reminds me of my first crushes on guys back in high school, college, and my early 20s, and how those crushes left me in a state of intense longing and desires, juxtaposed to an undercurrent of fear and uncertainty; telling myself that these homosexual feelings were simply a phase.. and then, the first guy I fell in love with..... ugh.... wow. I can still remember to this day those intense feelings of longing for somebody I could never have, secretly harboring these feelings until one day I could not take it any longer, and I told him.  Fuck, I should have just come out of the closet then. I was so confused. Again, I repressed these feelings so far down, so willingly, that it took 10 years of bad relationships with women, and repressed man crushes to bring me to the reality of today: finally proclaiming my sexuality, with a sense of relief. 

Reading those stories sparks a reliving of those raw feelings of innocent, boyhood crushes, which I wanted to badly to progress to physical touch, experimentation....Fuck, I wish I could just go back and act on those impulses, to have borne myself out a bit more back then to prevent such a delayed development of my sexuality....  It's crazy how FUCKING obvious it is. Who else but a gay man would have increased blood pressure and pulse while reading stories of boyhood crushes, stories which are evoking in me the same feelings experienced years ago as those feelings being retold on the page in front of my eyes. Unbelievable. So unbelievable that it becomes almost painful to read the pages, knowing what type of awkward feelings, or fears, will be expressed on the next page.  

I see this as affirmation, which makes me OK with it... in contrast to last week, when I had a couple of days of questioning myself again...... hoping that at some point, this whole 'gay' thing will feel less like an 'issue', or a 'condition'.  For now, it remains a bit like that, and I think that it will.... still... for a while... until I really do have a relationship, and 'gay in theory' becomes 'gay in practice'. 

Palpable Leanings

Ya know, what I have been thinking lately, is that despite my bitching and moaning about being single, at least I know that I like dudes. Crap, I mean, I have been going for years with this repressed yearning, a yearning which at least now can be born free.  Sometimes I find myself in that man-crush yearning mode when cruisin' on Facebook; seeing the fun times being had by others, most especially the younger college dudes off having adventures and travelling to other places and bonding. I miss that, I need that, and I need a man with whom to share that... I hope.... someday... I can find that. I hope, too, that I am barking up the right tree now (i.e: liking guys), because my dreams as of late have had the theme of doubt, uncertainty, and even disgust, about being gay.  Although I do while around traditional family events with friends and friends of the family, I become even more acutely aware of how my life trajectory differs from those around me. I try not to judge these feelings. I try to just take mental notes, and move onward and upwards. But part of me still wonders... what would they really think if they knew? Someday I hope to show up to these functions with my pal, best friend, and partner... and pray for acceptance, love, and comfortable relations with friends and family. Time will tell. But in the meantime, I will be thankful for my man crush longings, which continue, thankfully, and remind me of my sexual leanings. I will try to be thankful, instead of loathing, of these very palpable feelings.

Get me the fuck out of this episode!!!

The hardest thing about my situation, is that I can't figure out whether I am doing something wrong, whether I'm going up the wrong tree, going about this incorrectly, or whether it's just something I need to suck up and deal with.........being gay, and trying to find dates........ just the whole scenario, and everything it entails... is enough to make me want to just throw my hands up and say 'FUCK IT'.

Here are the things I just don't fucking understand.. just a small list:

a) Why is it that I go and try to volunteer for a gay-related event, try it out, feel uncomfortable, gracefully exit diplomatically, and then get no fucking response?
b) Why is it that I am constantly obsessed with fantasy guys, and then don't look forward to when I actually DO have a date with somebody?
c) Why is it that I doubt my sexuality when I think about a relationship with a man who is not hot?
d) Why is it that I doubt my sexuality.... after all that I have been through, or all that I have put myself through?
e) Why is it that I feel like giving up?
f) Why is it that I don't have any fucking paths to even TRY exploring?
g) Why the FUCK am I so obsessed with why I'm obsessed and frustrated?
h) Why can't I just LET THIS GO and just LIVE my life?
i) Why are all the hot handsome gay having all the fun and I am not?
j) Why isn't anybody noticing me? How do I become noticed? Do I need to become noticed in order to survive this fucking game?
k) Why can guys be such rude ASSHOLES (not responding, not being courteous, having that fucking attitude)
l) How do I not become BITTER and HOPELESS about this?
m) Is it just me, or do other cities have much hotter guys who have much better luck?
n) Am I doomed to failure living in a town with a frustrating and fruitless gay scene?
o) How can I get out of this 'doom' cycle and concentrate on more important things?
p) How can I prevent these cycles and episodes from derailing my concentration, and fucking up my entire weekend because I get depressed even the MORE I think about it?
q) Am I kidding myself to think I don't need medications for depression and obsessive thoughts?
r) With medications, will my creativity levels go downward, and I won't be as productive or creative?

Thoughts and Solutions

Thoughts and Observations of About Myself:

1) I get into these states of mind when I am stressed out, overloaded, and exhausted, and trying to do to many things, and not allowing myself just to chill out, and not try to control every aspect of my life.

2) I need to remind myself that I'm not on medications anymore.. if I WERE on the medications, even just a small dose, perhaps these ups and downs would occur less frequently? Even so, I would lose my creative and productive edge at work, because when I am "ON", it feels good. It's almost like i'm exhibiting slight symptoms of manic/depression....... and when i'm in 'manic' I tend to surf for guys, and tend to do more risky things.. This is especially the case when I'm in my highs, or even my lows... and I need to really be aware of this so I don't get myself into deep shit.

3) When I am out of these states of mind, for example.. if I get some good exercise, or, cases in which I'm just so horny I need to whack off just to prevent myself from going crazy.... after those 'rushes', it's like I return to a 'baseline' level of not being so in a rush to get things done, or stressed out.

4) I tend to stack things on at work and impose all these deadlines, thinking I NEED to get them done, when in reality, I could re-prioritize, and think about the 'first things first', and try to let the other things go. This is the double-edged sword of being naturally self-motivated: being a self-starter is good, but it's hard when you need to learn how to balance and 'shut off', so as to not burn out.

5) I am considering perhaps, that going back onto a small dose of the medication may be a good thing for me? I'm not sure.. part of me is stubborn and just wants to do this on my own;monitor my behavior and create my boundaries. If I learn from myself, and make sure I get exercise, moderate my activities to make sure I don't get stressed out, etc.. I can probably be OK without relying on the meds as a crutch.

How This Manifests in my Behavior: 

1) Thoughts of hooking up, obsessing about relationships, thinking too much about my 'situation' of being gay, single, and potentially 'confused' still........ can turn me into a total spiral if I'm not careful.

2) The exhaustion turns to worrying, bad habits, bad behaviors, if left unmonitored.

Solutions for the behavior:


1) Consider taking a little bit of medication during times that I am more stressed out, during deadlines, when i'm at higher 'risk' of being stressed or acting out in unhealthy manners.

2) Force time for 'regrouping' during fast, stressful times.. to make sure I'm not making any off the cuff, impulsive decisions, interactions, or communications that I would regret in the future.

Creative approaches for dating situation: 

1) If I decide that I'm going to 'play the online dating game', maybe books have been published that review how to best be successful at this. Perhaps I do have to play the game to some extent... post better photos (professionally produced, perhaps); really think more about my profile text; perhaps pay that $40.00 for review of my profile.

2) Do not rely solely on one avenue for meeting guys... the online may be one, but also continue to network and go to events, even if it involves taking a 'risk' (i.e: putting myself out there). I could consider still going to bars, and fundraising events when opportunities present themselves; as well as continue my current events (volunteering, Catholic groups) that are non-gay related, at least to keep up the other (non-gay) dimensions of my life...

3) I could start an LBGT dining club that meets out once a month at various places... and people can provide input (voting) on where to go each month. This could be a low-maintance, expectation free way to meet folks, and i'm SURE there is a market for that.... specifically for gay guys.

What is a gay man to do?

in a circular obsessive pointless funk leading me nowhere. How do I get into these? I get obsessed with wanting to find a hot guy, a hot date, just SOMEBODY to give me some HOPE that I'm going to end up SOLO through this crazy gay life. i don't know HOW to try to make it work, I don't know if i should STOP trying, where I should turn, how to give up, IF to give up. I am just fed up with ALL of it. What does a guy need to DO in this town to find a date? It's ridiculous that even HOOKING up doesn't work, so even if the latter outlet is totally FUCKED UP, it's not working anyhow.

So, in trying to look at this RATIONALLY, before just assuming that the gay dating scene in my town is DEAD to IMPOSSIBLE, I want to take a look at whether I truly have covered all my bases yet. First, Match.com profile searching. CHECK.  Sending regular casual, genuine emails CHECK.  Involving myself in gay-related activities around town, (SEMI-CHECK)... This venue I tried, but got frustrated and busy with work. Legitimate reasons to give it the ax.  Going to bars. (SEMI-CHECK). I tried frequenting a gay bar focused on western two-step gay dancing, and met some fun people, but felt UNCOMFORTABLE, even after going a few times. just NOT my scene.  Going to other random gay gars on my own (UNCHECK)... Haven't done this yet. Should I? This begs the question of whether I am sabatoging myself by not pushing my own boundaries.  Going to STR8 venues and just living my life. CHECK. Am doing this too, because I just enjoy being around different people, but it is not getting me very far with respect to finding intimacy.

I have no place to go and nothing else I can do at this point to CONTROL my destiny, which is extremely frustrating..... to know guys are out there, that have a LOT to offer,  but my means of putting myself out there are either LIMITED, or they are NOT working, which creates frustration, etc.. and not knowing where to turn AT ALL.

What other things could I do? Ask friends to set me up? Does that look desperate? Showing up at gay bars? Introducing myself to random people at gay-related events? Fuck, I don't know... Gay-related travel? Shit, I have no ideas.  Maybe I just have to focus on my other stuff while I think more about this. Maybe my next thing would be to show up to some of my Catholic events (where I noticed some gay people were around); maybe introduce myself to the theater folks who know Tina, and just explain that I'm trying to network and break into new scenes.  Maybe I should try being BOLD and BRAVE and just showing up to GAY bars.

Again, just looking at myself writing this, I appear desperate, which is another bad thing... because it ends up showing in my interactions, and is obviously a turn off.

What is a gay man to do in a town of perceivable deadends?