Palpable Leanings

Ya know, what I have been thinking lately, is that despite my bitching and moaning about being single, at least I know that I like dudes. Crap, I mean, I have been going for years with this repressed yearning, a yearning which at least now can be born free.  Sometimes I find myself in that man-crush yearning mode when cruisin' on Facebook; seeing the fun times being had by others, most especially the younger college dudes off having adventures and travelling to other places and bonding. I miss that, I need that, and I need a man with whom to share that... I hope.... someday... I can find that. I hope, too, that I am barking up the right tree now (i.e: liking guys), because my dreams as of late have had the theme of doubt, uncertainty, and even disgust, about being gay.  Although I do while around traditional family events with friends and friends of the family, I become even more acutely aware of how my life trajectory differs from those around me. I try not to judge these feelings. I try to just take mental notes, and move onward and upwards. But part of me still wonders... what would they really think if they knew? Someday I hope to show up to these functions with my pal, best friend, and partner... and pray for acceptance, love, and comfortable relations with friends and family. Time will tell. But in the meantime, I will be thankful for my man crush longings, which continue, thankfully, and remind me of my sexual leanings. I will try to be thankful, instead of loathing, of these very palpable feelings.