When 'Gay In Theory' meets "Gay In Practice'

When I read the book called "Boys Like Us", I can relate so much to these coming out stories that my own emotions from years ago become palpable as if I experienced these complex emotions just yesterday. Again, this is both a confirmation, as well as an affirmation of who I am, and as I grow into myself more and more, I feel a sense of relief compared to the discomfort, fear, and self-loathing experienced at the beginning of this coming out journey. 

I'm surprised at how real the emotions become as I read these well-written coming out stories..... again, the emotions are so palpable.. that it reminds me of my first crushes on guys back in high school, college, and my early 20s, and how those crushes left me in a state of intense longing and desires, juxtaposed to an undercurrent of fear and uncertainty; telling myself that these homosexual feelings were simply a phase.. and then, the first guy I fell in love with..... ugh.... wow. I can still remember to this day those intense feelings of longing for somebody I could never have, secretly harboring these feelings until one day I could not take it any longer, and I told him.  Fuck, I should have just come out of the closet then. I was so confused. Again, I repressed these feelings so far down, so willingly, that it took 10 years of bad relationships with women, and repressed man crushes to bring me to the reality of today: finally proclaiming my sexuality, with a sense of relief. 

Reading those stories sparks a reliving of those raw feelings of innocent, boyhood crushes, which I wanted to badly to progress to physical touch, experimentation....Fuck, I wish I could just go back and act on those impulses, to have borne myself out a bit more back then to prevent such a delayed development of my sexuality....  It's crazy how FUCKING obvious it is. Who else but a gay man would have increased blood pressure and pulse while reading stories of boyhood crushes, stories which are evoking in me the same feelings experienced years ago as those feelings being retold on the page in front of my eyes. Unbelievable. So unbelievable that it becomes almost painful to read the pages, knowing what type of awkward feelings, or fears, will be expressed on the next page.  

I see this as affirmation, which makes me OK with it... in contrast to last week, when I had a couple of days of questioning myself again...... hoping that at some point, this whole 'gay' thing will feel less like an 'issue', or a 'condition'.  For now, it remains a bit like that, and I think that it will.... still... for a while... until I really do have a relationship, and 'gay in theory' becomes 'gay in practice'.