And Then Mom Expressed Her Support.....

I had another success this week: an open conversation with mom about my sexual orientation issues.  We spoke of our difficult conversation back in the late fall, when I reacted with frustration and anger.  We spoke about our perspectives during that conversation, and how we misinterpreted eachothers' intentions.  What a relief, to have mom just come out and say she is supportive and loves me unconditionally.  This of course did not surprise me, but I really needed to hear this from her.  It is amazing the importance we place on parental approval and blessings.  Although our stubborn sides of ourselves reject the need for parental approval, receiving such understanding is a gift of grace and love.  I was going to move forward regardless mom's and dad's acceptance. But, to have this piece of the puzzle in place already, even before pursuing gay relationships, is truly a blessing.  I can now continue to move forward with confidence, knowing that mom and dad love me.

Straight Until Proven Gay

The gay dating world is a tricky one if not going through the traditional online or gay social group networks.  In a gay group, by definition, you are safe to assume another person is gay.  In an online setting, it is clearly obvious.  But, out there in the "real" world, one does not really know until you befriend somebody and become intimate enough to know this very personal information. For heterosexuals, the game is already defined. For the homosexual, most especially the homosexual who is not into a bar and hook-up scene, the game is much more lonely and isolating. The solutions to playing the game, then, would be to 

• Come out to more people, especially to those who have gay friends;
• Befriend both heterosexuals and homosexuals, and seek out deep friendships regardless of their orientation.

Therefore, to decrease my expectations and potential heartaches, I would be safe to assume that all guys are straight until proven gay.  If I have a crush on a man and I am not sure, I will just have to let the friendship develop and see what happens.  Regardless, I would gain a friend in either case, which is definitely positive.

Zigman Has A Homo Crush

One of the challenges of coming out is developing an accurate enough GayDar by which to rely upon in order to find somebody else who is gay apart from the online and meetup.com venues whose purpose is to bring together gay men and women.  I have an interesting dilemma, in which I would like to ask a man out for beer, both because I would like to get to know him as a friend, but also because I think he is cute.  In the heterosexual world, it is usually straight (pun unintended) forward in your intentions on a date.  If a man likes a woman, the man asks the woman out, brings them on a date, and asks for a second date.  What about if a man likes a man, but neither knows for sure if the other is gay? Should one bring it up in conversation about being gay? Or should it just be implied as the relationship develops naturally?  I am uncertain of these dynamics.  All I know is I like this man, and I would like to get to know him better. He is cute, smart, attractive, funny, polite, thoughtful, and friendly.  He is conscientious, a hard worker, and an all around good man.  If my Gay Dar is working OK, I think he is gay.  Although I have only known him for a few days and interacted a handful of times, I am intrigued and drawn to him in many ways.  And, like what happens with a crush, I have butterflies, feel foolish, feel afraid of rejection, and feel I have the tendency to put my foot in my mouth.  I also find myself thinking about him, and wanting to talk to him more.... given his friendly nature, and the fact he is a hottie.  For sure, these attractions are demonstrating my gayness.  I should be rejoicing in this truth, rather than being nervous.  But, because of the interesting dynamics of gayness, personal boundaries, and norms...... breaking the subject could be a very risky thing.  I guess the thing to do when I have the courage, and it is appropriate, would be to speak about my own issues with sexuality, and create a safe space. 

Journey... to be continued..... 

Zigman

Mixed Emotions

In a winding down mode, not sure how to feel.  I'm a mixture of tired, melancholy, relieved, peaceful, and nervous all at the same time.  I'm encouraged and enthusiastic about my new life; yet at same time, I wonder to what extent we can in fact create our own destiny.  What things do I just let happen; and what things do I actively pursue to reach goals? This life balance may apply to career as well as personal life.  I'm only a few days old to my new digs, haven't even gotten a good night's sleep yet, and the brain is already churning about such things.  Calm thyself.  Off to an afternoon nap, while I still have free time the next few weeks. Soon, my life will change as my career jump starts again.

A New Sense of Freedom

I am in my new city now, looking forward to meeting new friends. I am also ready to open up more to my acceptance of being gay.  The fear that I harbored about coming out in this city has subsided substantially, most pronounced two nights ago when I felt comfortable enough to speak to an old high school friend about my situation. The consequence was of course, support and love.  Although in hindsight this was not surprising, I did not know what to expect.  My high school friends signify my past, and lumped into this past are all the insecurities and old tapes of my adolescents and early teenage years.  The openness and warmth of this conversation helped bring to an end my fears of the past.  It signified a new beginning.... friends from the past who could not only accept me, but reach out and help, protect, and comfort me.  This continues the coming out process, which continues for the most part to be positive and cathartic. 

I began my homecoming by going to a psychiatrist that has been seeing my family for years.  This allowed me to open up the subject again, this time, within the context of home.  I accomplished this without fear.  In fact, I embraced the opportunity to discuss my issues with a pyschiatrist who has been helping my parents for years.  Her insights were invaluable, most especially because she provided a context around my own past history, and how I fit into my own family dynamics.  This was just so encouraging, and I left the session with a sense of freedom and hope. 

So I begin this new chapter in my life with a sense of hope and optimism. This city is in fact vibrant, alive, eclectic, and diverse.  The neighborhood in which I live helps me access, and really sense this culture.  I will thrive here, I believe, in contrast to the past when I associated this city from the perspective of my suburban upbringing.  Away I am now from the perfectly manicured lawns, the 2-car garages, and the soccer moms.  Although I do not harbor resentment for that suburban lifestyle, I do know that I feel much more whole and at peace in my current neighborhood.  I believe this offers me hope for my new life's direction, and will serve to help me thrive and feel much more free.  

Sexual Relations

Despite being gay, I am so traditional in my views of relationships. For example, I still think that if one has developed a strong friendship which has led to sexual intimacy... that this is much more than a friendship and should be treated as such.  I have learned though, that many people do not think this way.  They see sex as just another activity.... to satisfy the senses, or the appetite.......  I see it as a bit more complex than that.  If a bond has been nurtured over time, and sex has become a wonderful part of that bond, there is something very sacred and special about this.  I cannot understand how if two people believe this to be true, and are having a good time, why commitment cannot come along with it.  Some people, I guess, see sex as an added bonus to a friendship.... and do not place it on the level of commitment to a special lover.  If I were to be dating a guy and found out that they were messing around with another guy behind my back, I would be furious.  Sexual intimacy is a bond, a trust, a special experience to be shared with somebody you love and care about... But it's more than that...... it means that that person is extra special to you... not just another friend.  It is sad when people do not share this view...

Back In the Game: Observations in the Gay Online Culture

I have new hope for the dating game, the hunt, if you will.  Having set my location and zip code for my new city, I see a new set of faces with potential.  I have learned some tricks about the online dating scene..... especially who to avoid.  Some of the rules I'll play by to hunt for a genuine date or new friends:

• Do not bother emailing guys who do not spend any time on their profile (interests,etc) no matter how hot they may be. 
• Avoid guys who have their bare chested body as their primary photo....  
• Look at their friends and their profiles to see if they seem legitimate. 

You can screen certain people out simply by looking at the photo.. Sadly, this is true.  But, it may also be helpful to avoid all the "male sluts" (for lack of better term), as well as least tell if you could be remotely attracted to the guy before you communicate with them.

After 9 months of skimming ads for guys, I think I have seen it all.. and can categorize them pretty easily..... Gay men come in all shapes, sizes, attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors.  The general public (or homophobics) would be surprised to see very handsome masculine guys on these websites, who seem genuine and want to be in a relationship.  For me, this is very encouraging, and gives me hope.

Another thing that I have experienced in my coming out process is less fear of rejection... I am willing to put myself out there, and not worry about the outcome as much.  In the past, my fear of rejection was tied into the failure to get aroused by women... which made it extremely difficult to face rejection and stand up for myself.

For that latter insight, some would argue that I could possibly be attracted to women still, but could "work out my issues on physical intimacy" to increase my self confidence around women.  In theory, this sounds great. In practice, though, I know my fantasies and sources of arousal....... and these can't be 'worked on".. for I would argue they are innate...