Parallel Dreams of Past and Present Reveal Truths

I am curious as to whether dreams, deep thoughts, and contemplation become more intense during life's transitions.  As I settle into my new town, I have not only started to accept more my sexuality, but I am more willing to embrace it.  With this new mindset comes vivid dreams that link my past insecurities with the present, in a way, confirming my path toward self-actualization.  It is quite striking, in fact.  The dreams I had last night were reminiscent of the erotic dreams I had when I was in my 20's, in fact the same characters and similar situations.  Furthermore, they were the exact same individuals with whom I had fantasies about in real life, growing up as a teenager.  In past dreams, the fantasy was truncated at a certain point.  Recent dreams, the fantasies continue.  My hypothesis is that as I reach my own truths, my repressions erode.  This fading away of my repressive self is reflected in my dreams.  It really is quite amazing the more I think about it.  Two particular individuals have been constantly present in my gay dreams, and have represented in the past, my ambivalence toward my sexual orientation.  The past dreams, the longings would feel real, and present, but the actions would not go far.  In contrast, the present dreams I have the confidence to go further to pursue the actions associated with the desires.  I am fascinated by the contrasts in these dreams of my past versus the present, for they represent a maturation in my acceptance of my sexuality.  They mark a clear progression, I believe, in my ability to move forward and have some self-confidence about my  next steps.

Dreams That Mirror Unconscious Desires

I am curious as to whether dreams, deep thoughts, and contemplation become more intense during life's transitions.  As I settle into my new town, I have not only started to accept more my sexuality, but I am more willing to embrace it.  With this new mindset comes vivid dreams that link my past insecurities with the present, in a way, confirming my path toward self-actualization.  It is quite striking, in fact.  The dreams I had last night were reminiscent of the erotic dreams I had when I was in my 20's, in fact the same characters and similar situations.  Furthermore, they were the exact same individuals with whom I had fantasies about in real life, growing up as a teenager.  In past dreams, the fantasy was truncated at a certain point.  Recent dreams, the fantasies continue.  My hypothesis is that as I reach my own truths, my repressions erode.  This fading away of my repressive self is reflected in my dreams.  It really is quite amazing the more I think about it.  Two particular individuals have been constantly present in my gay dreams, and have represented in the past, my ambivalence toward my sexual orientation.  The past dreams, the longings would feel real, and present, but the actions would not go far.  In contrast, the present dreams I have the confidence to go further to pursue the actions associated with the desires.  I am fascinated by the contrasts in these dreams of my past versus the present, for they represent a maturation in my acceptance of my sexuality.  They mark a clear progression, I believe, in my ability to move forward and have some self-confidence about my  next steps.

And Then Mom Expressed Her Support.....

I had another success this week: an open conversation with mom about my sexual orientation issues.  We spoke of our difficult conversation back in the late fall, when I reacted with frustration and anger.  We spoke about our perspectives during that conversation, and how we misinterpreted eachothers' intentions.  What a relief, to have mom just come out and say she is supportive and loves me unconditionally.  This of course did not surprise me, but I really needed to hear this from her.  It is amazing the importance we place on parental approval and blessings.  Although our stubborn sides of ourselves reject the need for parental approval, receiving such understanding is a gift of grace and love.  I was going to move forward regardless mom's and dad's acceptance. But, to have this piece of the puzzle in place already, even before pursuing gay relationships, is truly a blessing.  I can now continue to move forward with confidence, knowing that mom and dad love me.

Straight Until Proven Gay

The gay dating world is a tricky one if not going through the traditional online or gay social group networks.  In a gay group, by definition, you are safe to assume another person is gay.  In an online setting, it is clearly obvious.  But, out there in the "real" world, one does not really know until you befriend somebody and become intimate enough to know this very personal information. For heterosexuals, the game is already defined. For the homosexual, most especially the homosexual who is not into a bar and hook-up scene, the game is much more lonely and isolating. The solutions to playing the game, then, would be to 

• Come out to more people, especially to those who have gay friends;
• Befriend both heterosexuals and homosexuals, and seek out deep friendships regardless of their orientation.

Therefore, to decrease my expectations and potential heartaches, I would be safe to assume that all guys are straight until proven gay.  If I have a crush on a man and I am not sure, I will just have to let the friendship develop and see what happens.  Regardless, I would gain a friend in either case, which is definitely positive.

Zigman Has A Homo Crush

One of the challenges of coming out is developing an accurate enough GayDar by which to rely upon in order to find somebody else who is gay apart from the online and meetup.com venues whose purpose is to bring together gay men and women.  I have an interesting dilemma, in which I would like to ask a man out for beer, both because I would like to get to know him as a friend, but also because I think he is cute.  In the heterosexual world, it is usually straight (pun unintended) forward in your intentions on a date.  If a man likes a woman, the man asks the woman out, brings them on a date, and asks for a second date.  What about if a man likes a man, but neither knows for sure if the other is gay? Should one bring it up in conversation about being gay? Or should it just be implied as the relationship develops naturally?  I am uncertain of these dynamics.  All I know is I like this man, and I would like to get to know him better. He is cute, smart, attractive, funny, polite, thoughtful, and friendly.  He is conscientious, a hard worker, and an all around good man.  If my Gay Dar is working OK, I think he is gay.  Although I have only known him for a few days and interacted a handful of times, I am intrigued and drawn to him in many ways.  And, like what happens with a crush, I have butterflies, feel foolish, feel afraid of rejection, and feel I have the tendency to put my foot in my mouth.  I also find myself thinking about him, and wanting to talk to him more.... given his friendly nature, and the fact he is a hottie.  For sure, these attractions are demonstrating my gayness.  I should be rejoicing in this truth, rather than being nervous.  But, because of the interesting dynamics of gayness, personal boundaries, and norms...... breaking the subject could be a very risky thing.  I guess the thing to do when I have the courage, and it is appropriate, would be to speak about my own issues with sexuality, and create a safe space. 

Journey... to be continued..... 

Zigman

Mixed Emotions

In a winding down mode, not sure how to feel.  I'm a mixture of tired, melancholy, relieved, peaceful, and nervous all at the same time.  I'm encouraged and enthusiastic about my new life; yet at same time, I wonder to what extent we can in fact create our own destiny.  What things do I just let happen; and what things do I actively pursue to reach goals? This life balance may apply to career as well as personal life.  I'm only a few days old to my new digs, haven't even gotten a good night's sleep yet, and the brain is already churning about such things.  Calm thyself.  Off to an afternoon nap, while I still have free time the next few weeks. Soon, my life will change as my career jump starts again.

A New Sense of Freedom

I am in my new city now, looking forward to meeting new friends. I am also ready to open up more to my acceptance of being gay.  The fear that I harbored about coming out in this city has subsided substantially, most pronounced two nights ago when I felt comfortable enough to speak to an old high school friend about my situation. The consequence was of course, support and love.  Although in hindsight this was not surprising, I did not know what to expect.  My high school friends signify my past, and lumped into this past are all the insecurities and old tapes of my adolescents and early teenage years.  The openness and warmth of this conversation helped bring to an end my fears of the past.  It signified a new beginning.... friends from the past who could not only accept me, but reach out and help, protect, and comfort me.  This continues the coming out process, which continues for the most part to be positive and cathartic. 

I began my homecoming by going to a psychiatrist that has been seeing my family for years.  This allowed me to open up the subject again, this time, within the context of home.  I accomplished this without fear.  In fact, I embraced the opportunity to discuss my issues with a pyschiatrist who has been helping my parents for years.  Her insights were invaluable, most especially because she provided a context around my own past history, and how I fit into my own family dynamics.  This was just so encouraging, and I left the session with a sense of freedom and hope. 

So I begin this new chapter in my life with a sense of hope and optimism. This city is in fact vibrant, alive, eclectic, and diverse.  The neighborhood in which I live helps me access, and really sense this culture.  I will thrive here, I believe, in contrast to the past when I associated this city from the perspective of my suburban upbringing.  Away I am now from the perfectly manicured lawns, the 2-car garages, and the soccer moms.  Although I do not harbor resentment for that suburban lifestyle, I do know that I feel much more whole and at peace in my current neighborhood.  I believe this offers me hope for my new life's direction, and will serve to help me thrive and feel much more free.