No Answers

so tonight I took the night off, watched some TV, disconnected from online dating sites, listened to music,,, i also cried quite a bit too... perhaps an emotional release of some tension; also some relief that I've identified some new issues. i'm scared that these cycles I am in are partially due to anxiety/depression; i've been given some advice as well that the roots of some of this anxiety, insecurity, angst.. may be because I have not reached my full potential of loving myself quite yet.  Interesting insight from a fellow blogger. I never really thought of it this way. I mean, I do feel grateful that I have come so far in three years... come out of the closet, changed careers to something very fulfilling, starting to build a community of friends in my new city... so I have a lot of potential to get to a better place.

But, yes.. it's like I have this constant itch I scratch about trying to find intimacy.. a boyfriend... a relationship... and when I try too hard, it blows up in my face. Also, when I do try, it comes off not so good to other guys, and potentially turns them off. The thought of that just makes me feel repulsed with myself, that my enthusiasm for being with a guy would come off as desperate or needy. Seriously? Now I'm starting to doubt my own character, and my confidence. This is so fucked up. How can I go from a crush on a guy to a total self-destructive worry wart within 5 days? this makes no sense to me at all.  it's gotta be chemical imbalance or something?  Maybe the 'something missing' is not a relationship, but something else, that I can't quite find, or know how to find. This is hard. How can I like my hobbies, my surroundings, my career, but not really be at peace with myself? Why the restlessness, and how can I make it stop?

Will My Vulnerabilities Lead to Rejections?

I'm not learning...... I keep making the same mistakes.... I keep giving into my negative emotions, my temptations, and I end up beating myself up over it, which just makes everything worse. I feel circular thoughts that go into panic, because I am worried about whether I'm doing something wrong, whether it is me. I get frustrated b/c I find myself back into a cycle which I tried to avoid in the first place, a cycle of emotions which is triggered by crushes on guys, expectations that end up leading to disappointment... basically, situations where I cannot remain 'stable' becuase my emotions get affected by my external environment. makes me feel like I'm needy; which then makes me feel vulnerable, as if these idiosyncracies are exuding from me in such an obvious way, that I end up scaring guys away. Why do I say this? I say this because of lack of patience, which can come across on email like I'm putting pressure on somebody or a situation, when really... maybe I'm not wanting to? but I am, inevitably? comes across that way... where I can't just wait and let something develop. It's hard for me. I don't know what else to do about it. How do I work on the skill of 'patience'? it's so ambiguous; so annoying; so unproductive. But I need to see it from the other person's perspective: if I had somebody breatheing down my neck, not giving me a chance to respond an initiate, then imbalance would occur from the very beginning. I'm already afraid I've fucked up. Just by appearing eager and potentially impatient, I think I may have just screwed my chances with this guy. I'm really purposefully making an effort to NOT contact him.... the point has been made.. i told him I like him, and want to go out with him again; so maybe I should just rest assured that the ball is in his court.

Meanwhile, I'm obsessing about this stuff when I really should be cramming for lectures, and I just go really behind last month, and all my deadlines are suddenly upon me. These strressors are all coming in at once, and the way to deal with them: coping with this takes mental power, patience, and trust; which is totally what i am LACKING right now, for some reason. I feel like I need to be methodical, instead of just rolling with it, and jumping right in, and going with my intuition. makes me feel frozen when I feel like I run out of time, and my original plans do not go through. Powerless. Cannot meet expectations. Feel frustrated.

Then, I think of the rejection..... really having a crush on a guy, then, when it is not returned, it feels like a punch in the face. I wish I could just roll with things and let them develop. What types of strategies? well, my first strategy was to try to find other guys as a distraction, so I went on a hunt... for hookups... which inevitably brought me into the CL cycle (but this time on A4A), and led me into some self-revolting situations, where I ended up taking a anti-panic pill just to calm my nerves the rest of the day.

Fuck. I feel like I have mental issues. This is crazy. I feel like this is a very unattractive part of me, that I don't know what to do about, and that it would make somebody not want to date me... all of these idiosyncracies that make me who I am... enthusaistic with a bit of impatience, a bit neurotic, creative, ups and downs, emotional.. .. would somebody want to date me because of those? Why am I suddenly feeling like I am unwanted?

Deceptive Hopes and Grains of Salt

Where does the phrase 'take it with a grain of salt' originate? It's odd, but is relevant right now. It's a tough skill set for me.. taking things with a grain of salt... Maybe I'm even saying the phrase incorrectly. LOL.  Anyhow, the online world is odd, and at this point, it's just par for the course when guys just drop out of sight; end their accounts and vanish.  Also, it gets depressing when I pretty much have gone through all the guys on there, then I catch myself getting sad again.... it's the trap.......... now, the one guy that I have exchanged emails with back in forth; I have put my hopes into, and probably too much so.  how do i not get my hopes up? how to have high hopes and low expectations?

I think I'm about to go into a dry spell again......it's so frustrating. First, I had 2 guys with whom I was corresponding; 1 completely disappeared; the other has dropped off a bit in writing; and I have these negative thoughts that the guy that i'm speaking with online has lots of options, and is getting all the emails from many other dudes, and i'm the struggling guy with not many people to hang my hat onto. I put too much stock and hope into these situations, which just ends up killing my hope if things don't work out. It's a ridiculous cycle,, which, if I'm not careful or mindful, tempts me back into the hookup train....

So, I need to remind myself over and over and over again: the other options for IN PERSON gatherings, including the monthly HRC happy hours; the monthly Bistro 303 happy hours; and my ongoing networking in the community with both straight and gay friends. One of these days.... one of these days...   I really should try to concentrate on the positive and not get into my negative cycle.

And, I realize that my negative thoughts are exacerbated when I'm tired, and worn out.. So... the lesson here: hang tight, and take stock of the blessings in my life, and keep on exploring and making lemonade out of lemons.

WTF??!!

what is UP with this? Backwards and odd. the male dating and hookup scene online is so weird. How is it that my R-rated photo gets attention, which then prompts a conversation, which then helps really bring out in people that they want to get to know somebody first, and maybe go on a date.. Strange.. strange... strange... I mean, I just met two guys online today, who want to actually go on a date, and not just hookup, even though the photos posted from either of us would suggest otherwise.

wow. this world is so fucking confusing.

Nakedness

Nakedness. I want to talk more about this. LOL.  I'm not sure whether I did this more as an experiment, or half wanted to hookup, but another site online that is maybe a few steps above CL, and includes people that want to hookup as well as those looking for a regular relationship, allows people to post anything.. including nakedness. Well, i created an alternative profile... anonymous... and placed, lets say, an NC-17 version pic  because, OK. i admit,, maybe I wanted to hook-up.

This is the game that some gays play... ...

Well shit. flooded email box one day later.

Crazy. 99% of them of emailed me looked completely crazy. They were all naked too. :)  Haaa. Some were gross; some were punk-ass; some were hot; but all were weird.  1 guy looked like a decent man, he actually had clothes on.

But I had this acute awareness, though.. a few of the guys who did email me, did not share the. Ahem..... same NC-17 version photos, but more, PG or even G rated photos.  When I emailed one of the guys, in earnest, saying 'hey man, would be cool to get to know you'; it hit me that I had just walked up naked to a guy, and asked him out.  How could he take me seriously if I was naked?

Another insight from the world of internet dating / hookups.

I Sent Her To More Than Just A Cardiologist.....

haahaa. so, all in one night, I man-crushed on a straight guy, I came out to a college friend over email, and I got a returned email from a very cool and handsome looking guy who I've been corresponding with over email. Not bad, eh?

One of the strange things about last night.. I went to a fundraiser happy hour, and totally noticed that the gay dudes were segregating themselves in a corner, while I was having a great time just chatting with the straight guys... the place where I felt much more comfortable. It was a strange feeling, knowing that 'my kind' was over in the corner......... One of the guys I recognized from online dating site, and noted how outdated his photo was. LOL. One of the guys was actually pretty cute.

One of the other odd things about last night was coming out to the friend over email.. which i was totally not expecting. Being buzzed probably did not help, but .... I was still following by 'Don't Tell Unless Asked' policy,, and the question was ' so, are you having fun with the ladies and breaking their hearts, sending them to the cardiologist?"  Loved it! It was such a shoe-in question. I said in a jovial, conversational, off the cuff manner...   'Well, I have had my share of girlfriends in the past few years, but I think instead of sending them to the cardiologist, i sent my last one to the psychiatrist'...  and then said that I came out 3 years ago.

Part of me feels 'naked' after coming out.. unexpectedly.  Feeling like I revealed too much; feeling bad that the other person will feel awkward and not know what to think. Is it fair to come out over email to somebody you haven't seen in years? Well, if you won't see that person in years anyhow, maybe it is the appropriate thing, We are in the internet age now, right?

My man crush on the gay man (much more productive than my man crush on a straight man) is proceeding well, as he globetrots around the Asia recruiting for a university, we exchange emails every week or so, and I look forward to his updates.  I just admit,, I have become so jaded about this online dating, given that so few people have accountability lately, that I figured that his not writing back was just a sign that he was not interested. It's nice to have these surprises, and keeps the hope alive.

Go Gays!

Where is my slice of the pie?

When will I ever learn, and when will I just stop setting myself up for these failures and stupidities? I feel weak, that I can't go a week without my meds, without slumping down into my bad habits, self-deprecation, and doldrums... fuck, of course the triggers are well known: this obsessive need to be connected with a man, and intimacy... misdirected to hookups gone awry, which sets me into a tailspin, and here we are again. Fuck.

I'm just going to resign myself to the fact that I have mental health issues, and that NOT taking the meds can bring me into dangerous territory, which then has negative externalities on the rest of my life. getting up too late, getting my day started too slowly, allowing the negativeity of my relationship obsession take over the rest of my awareness for the entire morning, stealing my attention away from the things that really do matter.

Fuck it. I'll take the meds permanently. Screw the pipedream that said I would not need them. It's more than just the sexuality, I think I do have tendency for manic/depression, even however so minor... triggered by obsessive thoughts. It fucking tires me out. My brain keeps going and going and going when I'm in Negative Land, and doesn't let me stop, and soon my whole outlook on my life starts to quickly dim. Not healthy.

I want a break from all of this. I want to just be happy.... a contentment type of happy.. that I see of couples with families, kids, etc.. Where is my slice of the pie? What can I do to improve my situation?