When will I ever learn, and when will I just stop setting myself up for these failures and stupidities? I feel weak, that I can't go a week without my meds, without slumping down into my bad habits, self-deprecation, and doldrums... fuck, of course the triggers are well known: this obsessive need to be connected with a man, and intimacy... misdirected to hookups gone awry, which sets me into a tailspin, and here we are again. Fuck.
I'm just going to resign myself to the fact that I have mental health issues, and that NOT taking the meds can bring me into dangerous territory, which then has negative externalities on the rest of my life. getting up too late, getting my day started too slowly, allowing the negativeity of my relationship obsession take over the rest of my awareness for the entire morning, stealing my attention away from the things that really do matter.
Fuck it. I'll take the meds permanently. Screw the pipedream that said I would not need them. It's more than just the sexuality, I think I do have tendency for manic/depression, even however so minor... triggered by obsessive thoughts. It fucking tires me out. My brain keeps going and going and going when I'm in Negative Land, and doesn't let me stop, and soon my whole outlook on my life starts to quickly dim. Not healthy.
I want a break from all of this. I want to just be happy.... a contentment type of happy.. that I see of couples with families, kids, etc.. Where is my slice of the pie? What can I do to improve my situation?
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Ziggy, I just spend part of the day reading your blog. I am a much older man than you, I'm 65, gay, in a long term relationship with the most wonderful man, was married, have children and grandchildren. In my youth I was raised Roman Catholic. I am also one very happy man. Frankly, your writing style caught my eye, then your desperateness caught my emotions. So, I thought I'd drop you a line and let you know that someone is reading your blog.
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