My emotional states as of late have been turbulent and unpredictable, begun by self-imposed fantasies or over-reacted rejections, that through a seemingly false hope, a melancholic mood sets in, without avail. Of course, when this happens during a vacation, when I am supposed to be enjoying myself, it is of the utmost frustration, because I begin thinking about 1) whether these 'mood streams' constantly exist, and I am just covering them up with being busy with my job; 2) whether I need start taking my anti-depressants again ;3) wondering how I can soothe my mind during these times of solitude so as to not drive myself insane about my predicaments of being a single gay man seemingly facing obstacles after obstacles in trying to meet quality men with whom I feel comfortable.
Which leads me to speak of my own ideal man.... somebody who would enjoy taking adventures to Maine, or Seattle, somebody who would feel comfortable raising a family together; somebody who values family; who wants to build a life together; feel connected to life in a very real way.
Perhaps some of the pain I am feeling now is a result of my searching for that deep peace and foundation, which I find it difficult to find as a single man, especially as an extrovert who needs energy. The very real Adonis moments of this past weekend speak to my own truths through these momentary tastes or brushes with fantasies taking place within real time.. It is good because these incidents force me to be acutely aware of sexuality, a confirmation as well as an affirmation. But, at the same time, these incidents remind me how distant I feel currently from the reality I am trying to create, and the uncertainty of when my life will unfold into a more fulfilling existence.
I look around during my reunion this weekend, and notice a sense of peace and serenity of the faces of many. I also notice a sense of joy on my own face, a joy noticed and recognized and acknowledged by others. But simultaneously, I feel the juxtaposition of melancholic restlessness and subtle sorrow, which are not strong enough to lead to tears, but are not weak enough to be sloughed off with the brush of a hand. It leads me to tough position, wondering how can I maintain my mental health with both these co-existing emotions, emotions supposedly caused by my inability to find peace and contentment within my own solitude?
I cannot shake this sometimes, and I wonder why my spirit is so acutely affected by triggers..... and saddens me to think that I need to go back to medications to assist my mental health balance. Although I do enjoy my emotional highs, my mid-ranges and lows leave a lot to be desired, and also leave me exhausted.
I am not sure what to do. One foot in front of the other.... continuing.... down this path..
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