Distractions from Adonis

My mancrush anecdotes are starting to sound more and more like those I read in biographies by gay writers, speaking of their fantasies and experiences during their early coming out years. I'm conflicted as to whether I should be frustrated or rejoicing that I have these mancrush moments that seem to set me off, then crash me within the length of a day, or more, if I don't watch myself.

My latest incident begins on a ship off the coast of Maine,. a beautiful 25-year old with long black hair, sporting the surfer dude look, with a fantastic smile and wonderful, warm, and welcoming personality. I can't help but check him out as I'm mingling amongst others on the boat. He notices my looking at him a few times, and shoots a smile back to me several times, and I shyly look away.... but finally get close enough to him to introduce myself (again) and strike up a conversation. I can't help it. I think this guy is just so hot, I can't help but try to become his friend. During the van ride to our final destination, we sit next to eachother and I get to feel his torso against my shoulder, and we get to talk about a few things, my career; his career; his family; and the eye contact, with body contact was enough to make my heart race. I knew that I was getting myself into trouble, simply setting myself up for another crash, thinking about this guy, attracted in a huge way, only having known him for 10 minutes.

I think about 1 song that capture this moments. The song, by Eddie From Ohio, lyrics talk about a guy at a stoplight that looks over and sees a gorgeous woman in the car next to him; upon which he starts cooking up a fantasy life of them together, moving in, getting married, having kids... within the course of 10 minutes glancing at her from his car.

The second series of moments or interactions with my dream guy were not as hopeful, and hence, led to a crash. According to my 'stoplight fantasy' we were going to be sitting next to eachother drinking some beers around the campfire, and having more deep conversations, which would lead to deeper connections. In the real world, it played out much differently, with not even any small talk, and my awkwardness to even approach him before we departed ways. And, his departure from the dinner party with a woman was pretty much a big blow to my entire 'stoplight fantasy'.

This second series of moments reminds me of a movie that was just so striking and moving that I still remember it to this day. A married man, about my age, was on vacation with his wife and other families, during which he met the beautiful son of a friend of his, who happens to be a model. He was smokin' hot and unbelievably good looking.  The married man, who had met this son  years before, and perhaps had a crush on him then, is suddenly enamored with this beautiful 20-something Adonis, and he becomes so obssessed with him, that he hangs out with him alone on the beach whenever he could get away from his wife and friends. His fantasies about making love this this model were intense, intense enough to drive him to depressions and sadness when he thought he was not in reach. He would always look for the Adonis, during parties, and such, and he just ached for him, but could not have him. This acheing led to him drowning his sorry in alcohol and masterbation, to try to get this very real attraction out of his system....

One of the most intense moments was when the model was alone on the beach one night, under the full moon, taking a dip..... and the married man stumbles upon him, and they have a moment of locking eyes, and glancing at eachother's bodies, the moment was so beautifullly portrayed, I could feel the emotions in my own gut, the attractions, the empathy. The last scene of the movie, the man ends up sleeping with the Adonis, in a scene that was so unbelievably romantic, scandalous, and steamy, it just gripped me.....

So, being the hopeless romantic that I am, caught between fantasy and reality, this brief meeting of this guy this past weekend led to a whirlwind of privately held fantasies and emotions that swept me up into hope, then crashed me by the rocks.  A seemingly ridiculous set of emotions that are on the one hand, self-imposed, but on the other, very difficult to rid myself of during these moments of up and down emotion.

The only thing I can do about these moments of seemingly endless wandering, pondering, and heart ache are to immerse myself into music and writing; or construct a distraction such as work, or dinners with friends, or interaction with strangers at dinner party.