Getting Out of the Slump

The difference in my attitudes, levels of hope, and happiness are like night and day when comparing, say, my nights and days :)  Last night, for example.... after a full day of good productive writing, I come home to relax, and start into my self-sabotage of craigslist hunting (although thank god no hookups), and jumping into the black hole of self-doubt and hopelessness to which I turn to sex as a temporary medicine. Not good.

Fuck. Who am I, and why do I do this to myself? It's like I have two different selves competing with one another during my moments of darkness, doubt, and exhaustion: the one who is hopeful for his future as a gay man, and the one who is doubtful and fearful for his future of a gay man.  I feel like my spirit is downtrodden as I see other folks on Facebook with their happy faces, their kids, their fun lives moving forward. Then, during my emotional slumps, I start to think of the negative thoughts again, and it's all down hill from there.

The main issues here come down to: meeting people. But I also realize that I may be sabotaging myself by not partaking in the events right in front of my face. First, I live in a city that is full of music venues. Second, I have all the free time in the world to partake in my hobbies. So, why do I end up being a complete loser on some nights? Third, I have so many friends (at least in the straight world) that I don't understand why I am so fucking worried about my social life. I do not know. I think it's more about 'building a future' with somebody. I am on quite a hopeful roll right now with regards to building a future with my 'career', but not so much any plans for the relationship side, which depresses me and pisses me off, and makes me get all depressed about my situation again.

I'm pretty good at repressing these issues..... by burying myself in work, and hobbies. Which, is a good thing, partly, but it sucks having that other part of me feeling empty and needy.  And, I think I'm not the only gay man out there feeling that way, and compared to others, I think I have my wits about me, with a good head on my shoulders.. but Shit.... to find a date, for God's sake.. or to find a venue where I'm at least meeting other like minded guys who can hang out regularly (i.e: just call them up and say 'want to grab a beer') is something I seriously want.... but WTF?!?

I guess the equivalent for a heterosexual male is to just hang out with the guys (as friends), and he can feel connected, at least if not in a committed relationship. Does that mean the equivalent for a gay male is to just hang out with the girls (as friends)?

I theorize as follows: when a heterosexual guy hangs out with a heterosexual girl (as just a friend), sometimes sexual tension or expectations may be ambiguous, at least if they are not super close.  Similarly, when a homosexual guy hangs out with another homosexual guy (as just a friend), you don't necessarily know the nature of the relationship unless you *talk* about it, which is difficult for guys. It would be much easier if you know upfront the structure and expectations, which I guess is what a 'dating' is about.

So, as I realize the dead ends of online dating, and even potentially volunteering in the gay community, these are some of the things I really AM going to start doing upon return from my vacation. I need to realize that meeting new people can come from a variety of venues, not just GAY ones.

Gay and Non-Gay List of activities:

1) Catholic group events
2) Live music events (Jazz downtown; university groups and concerts)
3) My own party (in process... but maybe a gay party too?)
4) Start a dining group for male gay professionals (LOL.. sounds like a bunch of strippers)
5) Get in touch with friends who are in theater.
6) Commit to going on hiking and day trips during weekends that I'm not working
7) Get in touch with my other friends on are 'on deck' if you will for hanging out next.
8) Volunteer again for a different venue, but not on a committee.. more for 1 time volunteering, etc.
9) Continue habitat for humanity.
10) showing up at gay bars by myself? (or finding some friends I know, to organize a hang out group to go out?)

It's sad that I actually have to make a list of possibilities.. I mean, fuck, so much for being spontaneous,, but really, this feels kind of like a 'project'... getting actively involved in the community like this to find other guys who I could potentially meet. It's like an underground world out there, which requires taking initiative and not just sitting around on my ass, feeling sorry for myself, and waiting for something to happen.

I do realize that I have tried things before that did not work out (i.e: Craigslist, online dating, gay cowboy dancing, committee work for large gay events) and did work out (gay Catholic group, meeting some random friends on CL or match.com, and going on a date or two); the latter of which were mostly for meeting friends.

The question becomes: to what extent to I keep playing the game, without putting so much into it that I get emotionally exhausted or hurt? I mean, one stupid thing is that you can only contact so many folks on on on-line dating venue and get rejected so many times before you start thinking something is wrong with YOU. I mean, fuck, I have chased off and on the same couple of people on different dating sites, only to get a non-committal responses, but will only contact them AGAIN later just because I think they're cute, and not get the fucking clue that they don't want anything to do with me. I mean, part of me thinks.. why did they contact me back in the first place if they aren't interested? Fuck, it's better just to ignore the person than to lead them on into endless emails that lead nowhere.

Yes, I have some bitterness still... and I fear that if I don't do something more creative and 'ballsy' to meet folks, that the bitterness (which I am SO good at REPRESSING) will start eroding my hope to the point where I become one of those bitter 40-something gay dudes who just have nothing good to say about dating and being in a committed relationship.

At least, though, through all of this: at least I am not depressed about the fact that I AM gay, I'm just depressed about the CIRCUMSTANCES , and all the extra baggage that comes along with BEING gay.

My God. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to repress my bitterness and keep moving forward?
Well, let me get back to my 'other' self, who is more hopeful, into hobbies, and music,,, so I can get on with my beautiful day.

Until next time...