Diffusion of Gayness

It is those same familiar feelings, repeating, and getting stronger, as I identify more with my sexual orientation. When I meet a new guy friend that I find attractive, I get those butterflies in my stomach, feeling like a kid again, wanting to be noticed, wanting to become best friends, and see what happens. God damn it. It happens every fucking time.

• Why am I angry about it? 
• Why am I frustrated? 
• Why can't I just accept that I am sexually attracted to certain men?

I was at a Catholic wedding tonight...of an acquaintance from what I refer to as my "previous life", of immersing myself into Catholicism: Bible studies; nightly prayer; memorization of Scripture verses. It was such an odd juxtaposition..... like peering back into my old life. So many questions left unanswered:

• Why was I trying so hard to be connected to that traditional form of love within the structure of a Catholic relationship? 
• Why could I not recognize in the midst of my relationship that I was uncomfortable with my girlfriend? 
• Why did I keep clinging to that ritualistic way of Catholic life that I ascribed to for so long? 
• Why do I now feel that I was talking myself into those beliefs? 
• Why am I questioning the bedrock of my religious and spiritual values, those which re-emerged during my rediscovery of my Catholicism?
• Why do my feelings of faith and spirituality feel less strong now, compared to then? 
• By questioning the value of my previous habits of prayer and meditation, do I reject core beliefs of my Christian faith? 

Despite my struggles, I felt a sense of peace at the wedding. I did not mind being by myself. I was perfectly content, but at the same time, a bit melancholy about how I feel different around other people... how I harbor this difference in my soul that will most likely prevent me from living this traditional life. These traditional lives are portrayed as a story-book. I rationalized to myself that despite this image, that I would most likely not feel comfortable forcing myself into love with a woman, only to again, push down that inner curiosity of being with a man. I long for that deep, masculine connection of brotherhood and love, which may only be fully realized in a homosexual relationship.

Compared to past weddings when I would fantasize about my own future wedding, in today's wedding I had more realistic, bittersweet, and melancholic feelings. Today I did not think about my own future wedding. Today, I wondered why homosexuals cannot declare the sanctity of their love, publicly, in a house of worship. Today, I wondered whether homosexuality is a choice, or whether it is pre-determined. Today, I tried to let go of my clinging to my past, and tried to feel grateful for my relationship with God, and the feelings that I have identified and reconciled within my heart, spirit, and soul. Today, I felt able to celebrate that a marriage between a husband and a wife is one of many ways to express and carry out God's plan for us.  Perhaps that is not in my deck of cards, to get married to a woman.  Perhaps I can better serve the world, my family, my friends, and my career, by being single. Perhaps I can better nurture friendships as a single man, as I already know I do well.

As I ponder these questions, to overarching questions about my sexuality pervade in my mind:

• Why Do I Have To Be The Way That I Am?
• Am I Truly The Way I Think I Am?

All I know is that the more I experience interactions with attractive, smart, and witty males, what returns is that old familiar sense of longing for a deep emotional intimate relationship.  Furthermore, the more I embrace this quality about myself, the more I accept this quality, allowing it to diffuse into my being.  In the past, I may have shoved these feelings away in shame, an unhealthy repression that led to ongoing guilt and confusion. But now, instead of shoving away, I try to dive into the feeling and explore it.  Additionally, I use these familiar emotions as a way to guide my path and identify my own truths.

How Do I Live As a Spiritually and Mentally Healthy Homosexual?

I woke up this morning, in fear of a trap into which I have fallen: short-term sexual gratification.  The Yahoo Messenger has become an addiction; those men behind the user names, those words of promise and lust spoken from those faces unknown have become my false hope, rooted in fantasy and lust.  This longing has no root, no foundation, which leaves a desolate, haunting feeling in my heart. I fear it as a trap. I know it as a trap.  The computer becomes a security blanket at night, as I nestle into bed with Yahoo Messenger, with a night cap of a shot of whiskey..... i seek comfort in this pseudo-world, full of falsehoods.  I see that each man is striving for that companionship, a lust misdirected.  We use lies to protect our age, pseudonyms to protect our identity.  We speak the words of love as we are in our moments of ecstasy, only to abandon our fantasy-lovers at the final hour.  It is a weak existence.  A weak, yet tempting existence that we harbor late at night, as our temptations and lust runs deep, our animal instincts for sexual gratification heighten, most especially with the protection of anonymity.  It is true that Man sinks to these vices in response to a longing to be fulfilled. We use these as replacement for the true love we seek.  The question becomes: how do we break out of a cycle which seems so impossible? How to seek true homosexual love, which most likely begins in the "darkness", behind closed doors, from our so-called liberal society? Inherent in homosexuality is a darkness, which runs opposite of Christian tenets of belief.  We are taught to bring love into the light, turn away from darkness, live our life in celebration and in communion.  I know, from experience, that bringing love into the light, and living an open life.. is much healthier, much more fulfilling.  So, how are homosexuals in search of a healthy love supposed to work within a framework of an underground homosexual society? It evades me.

Searching Back to God

This evening before I go home to Durham, NC to bring in 2010, I feel faintly melancholy.... with shades of fear, uncertainty..... with hope sitting in the background. I would rather have hope in the foreground, with a sense of excitement.. But, really the sources for these emotions are multiple..

First, I feel a sense of restlessness. As days pass, I feel a need to contribute to something larger; and I feel the career world is so distant from me right now.

Second, I feel a sense of fear. As I was visiting a faculty member today, all the fears and insecurities haunted my spirit, immediately signalling me away from this particular setting.  Does that mean academia is not for me? What if I am barking up the wrong tree? How do I know?

Third, I feel I am not navigating this fear of sexuality; that it continues to evade me, and that I am marching down a path which, like these career explorations, may also not be my 'fit'.

So, in conclusion, my explorations and questions right now: toward job, and sexuality, are in a situation of uncertainty, lack of information. Although I feel as if I am on the edge, or touching, some potential energy that will thrust me into the path that fits me best, I feel like I do not know what questions to ask, what stones are still unturned, in order to allow me to conclude with certainty where I should and will fit.

Is that life, though? Is that I sense in my heart this very night the same fears that afflict fellow man? Fear of uncertainty; not sure of the path; not sure how to find the path; questioning one's faith? questioning one's prior convictions?

I have begun to turn back to my daily readings and meditations, as the Rock that I previously clung too, so hard, yet so effectively. In retrospect, I associate my Catholic spiritual awakenings with my previous wounds from relationships, previous wounds from my own naivite, not knowing myself.  I fear that my spiritual undertakings and discipline led me down a deceptive path; hence, I fear and throw away that path right now.

Do I dare take up the Cross again? Follow my Faith? Give up to God these ultimate struggles of uncertainty that I try to resolve myself? Where is my spiritual awakening now? I fear a stagnancy, a helpless wondering of what is next.

I surrender myself, my sorrows, my fears, to God... and hope that the path will emerge.

Fearing the Effeminate

I fear the effeminate guys. What if these dates I line up end up making me feel extremely uncomfortable? What if they are "totally gay", and I just want to run away?

Why? I should be eager that I have potentially (5?) dates lined up in the New Year? Wow, am I some kind of masculine slut? LOL. I am not sure. We'll see where this takes me, but I need to see what this journey is about. I have been too addicted and attached to an online relationship, which was satisfying and exciting for a while, but how far can that go? Not very, I must admit.

When it rains, it pours. From all my exploring and efforts, I am reaping some rewards. It should be an exciting January.... between my interviews, and going on some dates with interesting characters, I'm sure I will have stories to share.

Shadows

Barriers
Mind spins
Questioning my motives, my yearnings
Why have I delved into this world?
Is there a place for me?
A world of real, male intimacy, true brotherhood
A sexual intimacy that connects, trusts, exists
I do not know.
My mind spins
I betray myself, I betray others
I try too hard
In places hidden, in secret
Navigating a world unbeknownst to most people
Which forces one to explore the depths
of a dark soul.
How to seek light, how to seek love.
I do not know.
Answers elusive
Truth hides
In the shadows

Brotherhood

I provide these lyrics in honor of brotherly love

Oh My Brother

from I Rode Fido Home  - Eddie From Ohio

Oh, my brother
Won't you stand here beside me
We shall carry each other
And should your soul grow weary
And the strength leave your bones
Oh my brother
I will carry you home

I lost a lot of good intentions
Deep in watering eyes
Crystallized blue
There's a whole lot of fear
That kept me here
I know fear ain't nothing new to you
Fear ain't nothing new to you

White on white
Hospital eyes
Should have been there
Now I know
And singing this song's no way to say goodbye
But it's the only way I know
This is the only way I know

Chorus

And singing this song's no way to say goodbye
But it's the only way I know
This is the only way I know

Creating a Space for Sexual Intimacy

It becomes a fruitless effort, to search for potential one-night stands, dates for the purpose of sex.  It feels cheap, hollow, and depressing. It eats up time, erodes the soul, destroys hope, and perpetuates sorrow.

As I sit here this morning after a very restful sleep last night, I recognize the difference in the state of my own mind and spirit between fulfilling short term desires, and building a hopeful future.

For the short-term desires, to-do lists include surfing Craigs List, Yahoo Chat Rooms, with no goals in building friendships.  It is a selfish pursuit of sexual gratification, an addiction gone awry.

For hopeful future building, to-do lists include finding a date for sake of building a friendship, writing emails to existing friends, reading the newspaper to catch up on current events, doing chores around the house to create hospitality and warmth, planning parties, going to holiday gatherings, sharing true joy and love.

These latter tasks create a sense of peace, which may coexist with my longing for emotional and physical intimacy.  These hopeful tasks of love and fellowship I hope can fulfill that emptiness, even in the absence of sexual gratification.

Despite my virginity, I can feel and believe now that sexual intimacy properly finds its place within a trustful relationship, during which sex can be an expression of love, an extension of love to a more intimate experience of trust, pleasure, and care-giving.  To be fruitful, sexual relations ideally should be reserved as a way to express love, not as a way to simply gratify your own sexual needs.  It must be mutual, giving, and loving, in order for the sexual act to mean something, and fulfill that deep human need for love.