Searching Back to God

This evening before I go home to Durham, NC to bring in 2010, I feel faintly melancholy.... with shades of fear, uncertainty..... with hope sitting in the background. I would rather have hope in the foreground, with a sense of excitement.. But, really the sources for these emotions are multiple..

First, I feel a sense of restlessness. As days pass, I feel a need to contribute to something larger; and I feel the career world is so distant from me right now.

Second, I feel a sense of fear. As I was visiting a faculty member today, all the fears and insecurities haunted my spirit, immediately signalling me away from this particular setting.  Does that mean academia is not for me? What if I am barking up the wrong tree? How do I know?

Third, I feel I am not navigating this fear of sexuality; that it continues to evade me, and that I am marching down a path which, like these career explorations, may also not be my 'fit'.

So, in conclusion, my explorations and questions right now: toward job, and sexuality, are in a situation of uncertainty, lack of information. Although I feel as if I am on the edge, or touching, some potential energy that will thrust me into the path that fits me best, I feel like I do not know what questions to ask, what stones are still unturned, in order to allow me to conclude with certainty where I should and will fit.

Is that life, though? Is that I sense in my heart this very night the same fears that afflict fellow man? Fear of uncertainty; not sure of the path; not sure how to find the path; questioning one's faith? questioning one's prior convictions?

I have begun to turn back to my daily readings and meditations, as the Rock that I previously clung too, so hard, yet so effectively. In retrospect, I associate my Catholic spiritual awakenings with my previous wounds from relationships, previous wounds from my own naivite, not knowing myself.  I fear that my spiritual undertakings and discipline led me down a deceptive path; hence, I fear and throw away that path right now.

Do I dare take up the Cross again? Follow my Faith? Give up to God these ultimate struggles of uncertainty that I try to resolve myself? Where is my spiritual awakening now? I fear a stagnancy, a helpless wondering of what is next.

I surrender myself, my sorrows, my fears, to God... and hope that the path will emerge.