How to Reconcile Homosexuality and Christianity?

I responded to a pen-pal, who is too, struggling with his sexuality as a Christian man.  These are difficult questions he asked, and I attempted to answer them drawing from my own experiences the past year. I still do not know the answers, but responding to these was therapeutic, to the point where I wanted to share with all of you my feelings on these deeper questions. 

1) What am I called to? 

2) Where should I rely on moral teaching

3) Should i develop my own moral teachings or rely upon others?

I'll try to answer them from my own experiences.  First, I still rely on moral teaching....to a degree.  For example, I do not plan on having 1 night stands, and using others for my own sexual gratification, whether male, or female.  This goes without saying.  I think many times the Church lumps all homosexual acts into the bucket of promiscuity and disrespect for others.  In my opinion, I do not think this is the case.  Homosexuals can live in communion with God. as long as they are "truly" homosexuals, and not "heterosexuals" simply hooking up for purposes of sex.  The book by John J. McNeill, called "The Church and the Homosexual" discusses, and tries to reconcile this issue, and he does a very good job. For example, if one seeks it out, there can be such thing as a healthy, homosexual relationship.  I have never had one, but I long for one indeed.  

So, in a way, I have refined a moral teaching, but have tweeked it. Yes, maybe it is just rationalizing, to make myself feel better. But, I have a different way of seeing things.  I have *felt* the difference between being with men, versus women. Although I am still a virgin, my body, heart, mind react in a much fuller way to men that I have been attracted to in the past.  This "fullness" is an emotional bond, brotherhood.. which in the past has led to strong erections and fantasies.  For women, I have had emotional bonds and love, but this same "fullness" has never existed.  I do not get aroused, and have never had that type of deep connection that I long for in a man. 

So, am I immoral? Am I a bad person? Would Jesus strike me down as a sinner? I am not sure.  It is tough to say.  I think in the time of Jesus, and the scriptures, they really were describing homosexuality in terms of the promiscuity, the culture, and how it was used as a tool of power for men.. to exert their dominance and control over younger boys/men. Also, from the surface, homosexuality seems unnatural, since it does not produce babies... and reproduction, in the eyes of the Church is why men and women should be married in the first place. Anyhow, I get angry at Church teachings, because theological arguments do not express how men feel in their "hearts", and "bodies". 

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So, your fear of coming out is very real. I understand SO much that fear, i tasted it... but I was courageous enough to work through it, and confront my fears. Yes, nobody suspected it of me at all. You would never think that if you met me. I am just the "guy next door"; friendly, polite, conversational, tons of friends, i'm a very loyal friend living in a heterosexual world. So, yes, the thought of coming out scared the hell out of me. But, I started slowly.  My crisis of breaking up with girlfriend helped me come out, since my friends would ask me how I was doing.  This care and outreach facilitated a safe space.  1 year later, my friends are even closer to me that I would ever imagine.  Never in a million years would I think that would be the outcome. 

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Yes, my bondage was (and is still) similar to yours. My journey continues to cause me fear and anxiety, just not as much as before.  I am still bonded to homophobic feelings; I too can be selfish; and very horny (LOL) as all guys are.... fantasizing about masterbating with jocks, and all that sinful shit.  And yes, it feels good to go down that path.  But, I still need to walk a fine line.  Lust and love are completely different. Lust can get anybody into trouble, and much of the homosexual culture is dominated by hookup culture.  But, the insecurity i felt with women was so overwhelming because of the secret I held.. that it was just too much for me. I cannot hurt women like that anymore. I am not true to them, or myself.  These feelings trump theological teachings, in my opinion. You cannot deny how your body physically reacts. and this affects your mental health, and your overall well being. 

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Is sexuality the "cross to bear" ? To some, yes, this becomes their choice... homosexuals living a life of celibacy, and "transferring" that sexual energy into loving acts of kindness and generosity.  I can see how that is fruitful and in line with Church teachings.  And, I have felt that type of transferrence. When I abstain from masterbation, lust, and pornography, the energy in my spirit is more 'pure", and I do not get wrapped up in lust and self-indulgence

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So, what am I called to do? Well, right now, I'm still  not sure.  Since I have never been with a guy, I believe I need to pursue a healthy relationship to explore, with eachother, mutually respecting one another's bodies.  If this does not work for me, perhaps I need to pursue heterosexual relationships, or be single.  It is tough to say right now.  But, my own truths are: I feel more whole right now, being single, and exploring my sexuality, than I have ever been.. I feel free right now.. to figure out my calling.