And Here I Ponder About the Trash Can of Anger and Hope

As I unpack from my trip, and look at the dented trashcan in the corner of my kitchen, it prompts me to ponder and pray about how far I have progressed this year in coming out, figuring out my sexuality, and being myself.  I shudder when I think back to that trigger, that depression episode..... which began because I was confronting and reviewing all the scenarios in my life thus far which pointed to my attraction to men. It was a large list. It made me sick to my stomach, made me angry, depressed... so I threw a tantrum, threw everything out of my pantry, my refrigerator, and kicked the trashcan with all my strength.

That inner rage and frustration was very real, very telling of my inner turmoil.  I continued to seek therapy, seek rest. I also took time off work.  It was a toxic combination of stressful work life, and severe consternation about my own, seemingly irresolvable sexual identity crisis.

So here I sit now, many months later, having had emptied my soul to start anew. I resigned from my job; I came out to more friends; I talked things out with my parents; I went on a road trip; I spent quality time with my dog Leif; and I journaled.

In the midst of it all, I developed a meaningful friendship and relationship with a man on-line... Despite the unconventional way of meeting, we have developed a true bond, and trust eachother deeply. We laugh, we argue, we comfort eachother. We talk about music, beer, wine, travelling, camping, and canoeing.  We watch comedy movie strips, movie trailers, and musical performances.  We share our homosexuality, and our way of seeing the world. Although he may not be "the one", we certainly have promised eachother deep friendship, which is a wonderful thing right now as I transition into my new life.

So, maybe I should go buy a new trashcan, as a sign of new hope. It is one of those yuppy trashcans, that one flips open by depressing a foot pedal.  Mine is dented severely on the side, preventing the top from closing. Just as I need the fucking lid to close, I also need some closure with some chapters of my life.

Yes, so I have decided... it is off to Bed, Bath & Beyond I go... in search of a new Trash Can.

Peace,

The Zigman