Fears Move Yet Again to the Forefront

I'm starting to get nervous..... a fear still....... creeps out when least expected. It is really disconcerting.... I think part of the reason is that the job search and potential to move to another city is becoming real. Yes, this is good and exciting and for the best, but at the same time, I let go of more than 7 years of a place I called home. I let go the comforts of close pals just down the street.

I go into a new world with a fresh perspective, a new identity. What scares me the most is the fear of whether I will ever have a partner, ever fall in love, ever build a family. Sometimes I feel like time is running out. I see the love of a family unit, the adventures and togetherness of this, and I feel a bit melancholy. I feel this way mostly because I know that I may not be able to ever create that.... create the traditional, storybook, family unit. This fact saddens me, and evokes a deeper visceral, quiet fear that gurgles in the background of my spirit. It is inescapable.

And I feel sad right now for leaving behind a friend in need of love...... it makes me feel lonely and depressed. I want to reach out to him, but I know that it makes the situation worse. That too, is inescapable. I need to move on, but I still have wounds to tend to, some wounds that I still can't heal, even after months of pondering and exploring.

I also realize that my goals of the career search perhaps could be reached sooner rather than later. Currently, I have no other projects to keep me busy.. which prompts me back to worrying about the homosexual problem.

Do these fears ever end? When will be able to seek solace, where can I seek refuge? Aloneness and solitude feels sad sometimes, despite the fruitfulness that it may bear in the future. I pray to God that I can start making progress on this search for peace and happiness, wherever this may lead me. I pray for strength to return back to counseling, to address these recent issues which are cropping up again... taking away energy.... worrying that is starting to take the forefront, instead of the backdrop.. of my daily life.