What If I'm Wrong?

I'm going into one of my depression cycles again. I feel it coming on. I feel trapped and alone. My body aches for companionship. I have been doing this "solo" routine day-in and day-out for months... cannot find a date, cannot find intimacy. My feelings are exacerbated by boredom, and not knowing where my next job will be. I am getting tired of this.  The on-line chat things do not give me one bit of thrill anymore (which is probably good); and I am fearing my future.  Damn, I"m not even horny. I have a headache and feel like crap.  Why do these panic attacks come on simply by a cascade of negative thoughts?  I thought the medications are supposed to help.  I am scared,  bored, restless, alone.. with an uncertain future.  It makes me feel mixed up and ungrounded..  Why can't I just curl up and read a book, watch a movie? It's not that easy, for some reason... to relax indefinitely.  I have taken the steps though to volunteer many times next week.. cooking for the women's shelter......  I need to help somebody, be there for somebody, feel loved and needed.  Perhaps that will fill the void... to give towards others in greater need than myself. I pray to God that this uncertainty phase passes. How will I ultimately find peace as a half-confused straight/gay guy? It can be excruciating sometimes.  The online dating scene is completely based in lust; and one has to be "HOT" to even get a response back. What's the fucking point?  How to even break into the gay scene in any city for that matter must be difficult. Plus, I haven't even *been* with a man yet?!?  My God. What happened if all of this is wrong?