An Unexpected Transformation? I Cannot Tell

Something has transformed within me... it's difficult to describe... yet it is a sense of peace and purity.  It happened during my corresponding with an on-line friend with whom we have an "intimate relationship", as close as that becomes on-line.  During our time together, my behavior changed.. and I caught myself in a lie.  I realized that I was telling this young guy that I was enjoying this time.... when in reality, at that very moment, it struck me that I was telling him what he wanted to hear, and my heart was not with him. My dishonesty was raw. From that period forward, a few things has happened. First, I realize that pure real love between to men does not need to be sexual, and in fact, it may be better if it is not sexual. Second, I have a sense of peace about me. For some reason, the convergence of the job prospects, the hope of a new life and of starting over, has brought a sense of peace, confidence, and contentment that can overcome any feelings of hollow lust.  Third, I miss the idea of a loving woman by my side, nurturing me, with her head on my chest, my shoulder.  Am I truly just living a gay fantasy that is not rooted in reality? Has this entire journey the past 2 years been in vain? Have I been set free? I do not know.  I just know that the darkness has begun to subside, and I have new life, and new hope ahead........... and I am free to love.