I Cannot Deal With Circular Thoughts Of Homosexual Crushes

Feeling panicking again........ I can't deal with man crushes that I don't know what to do about. I hate these feelings, because they depress me.  I hate these because I don't know what to do about them. I hate these because I cannot change myself, or know how to find people, or to have emotional intimacy, or to chart a course of love. Why does my mind obsess about these things. Why do I put myself in these situations? Why do I want to cling on to new friends? Shit.  Old tapes are playing. Old tapes from college: I want to be in a group. Old tapes: man crushes.. perhaps causing bad vibes, and causing my own inner turmoil.  Feeling like I cannot move forward. Feel a sense of inaction and fear all at the same time. Why can't I just get fucking stable already? Why do I let my feelings for another man control me so much? Why do crushes leave my mind in circles, in sadness, and despair? I really need to work on these issues, and I don't know what to do. I must avoid the guys I have crushes on, perhaps, who are potentially straight? God, who knows. And why this is happening the day before my first day back at work is not very fun whatsoever.  Why such the burden on my mind? Why can't I just be ME... and not have all these worries and tunes in the back of my mind fucking *all* the time?  I have baggage written all over me. If anybody ever knew that these feelings came with my crushes, they would dump me as a friend or potential boyfriend immediately. I scare myself with my obsessive circular thoughts. This sucks.

Onward to Fish In Homosexual Waters

I am pondering my multiple transitions, and trying to make it through each day.  Although I have had growth the past few days regarding my sexuality, I am still lamenting the reasons why I get so wrapped up in man-crushes, and why it interferes so much with my mental well being. There seem to be so many things at play right now, so many uncertainties and challenges right now, occurring all at the same time:

• Moving to a new city; 
• Acknowledging my attraction to men, and wanting to make progress in my life on this front; 
• Trying to fit into a new routine in the city I grew up in, but with my newly forming identity; 
• My tendency to get anxious, sad, and obsessive during times of transition or in non-structured environment; 
• My tendency to want to take steps to achieve an outcome, which may in fact just require patience, hope, and prayer
• My worries about these mental cycles; and how taking an additional medication sometimes makes me too tired during day. 
• My tendency to want to become best friends with every new guy I meet.. if I feel a connection.

I understand the consequences of these challenges and tendencies, and pray that I can seek resolution for at least some of them.  First, I need to somehow seek contentment in my solitude; and hope in the near adventures and people I will meet in my new life.  Second, I need to be OK relying on some extra medications and OK being a little anxious and down right now, given the big transitions in my life. Third, while exploring and making new friends, I need to create a structure for myself so that I remain less anxious. Fourth, I need to spread out my social network as to not put so much unnecessary pressure on one particular person or set of friends... which may result in high expectations and disappointment.

Regarding that fourth point, I shudder at the memories of my early college years, and even during the summers, trying to make friends in such a way that others most likely perceived me as either desperate, attracted to men, or just somehow "off".  Sometimes I take on the idiosyncratic behavior of my brother, who has Aspergers.  Because of how I was perceived, I was left vulnerable and the butt of jokes, especially as I tried even harder to become friends with the people who really did not care about.  It took me a while to even realize that I was an outcast to most of my own college class.  Why I put myself through that, I do not know. I suffered many uncomfortable moments, trying to fit in... when I would have been much better off exploring new frontiers..  When I did this, it led to friendships that will last a lifetime.

So, I need to remember those times of difficulty.... in moving to new places and making friends.  The initial periods of isolation will give way to new venues, new friends, and new opportunities. I need to gravitate toward those who take an interest in me.  And, I know this will happen.

But, there is an additional need apart from good friends.... I also am very familiar now with the deep truth in my heart that I would like a male companionship.  This additional need in a way handicaps me, because I feel a need to network in additional circles, including homosexual and heterosexual, in hopes of seeking both good heterosexual friends, as well as a male companion.  Oddly, I still feel isolated in a town in which I grew up, despite the friendships that will eventually form, and the people with whom I grew up that live here now.

So, I am left with the constant tune of homosexual challenges running through my head, as I chart new waters into friendships and activities to satisfy my heart, mind, and soul.  It is a difficult road, for I would like to network within the hetero world, but also know that in order to find a companion, I need to network within the homo world.  When I am in the midst of a man crush on a potential homosexual who lives in a heterosexual world, what am I to do?  I guess broaden my horizons to find other fish in the same homosexual sea.  Onward to fish in homosexual waters.

Perhaps the Beginning of a Wonderful Friendship or More?

i really like this man....wow. it's a crush that I cannot help.. and he probably does not even realize it. He is handsome, kind, compassionate, outgoing, intelligent, spiritual, Christian, athletic, musical. He enjoys serving others, and is thoughtful. He is involved with his community and is very giving. He is loved by those around him, and carries a spirit with him that is comforting and hospitable. What do I do apart from just getting to know him more? Should I or will I ever express these thoughts to him? He comes from a very loving family with many siblings.  He is great with kids, and is very social and friendly.  He likes going out on the town doing fun things.  Hanging around him makes me feel good, and I want this..... but I don't know how to approach this situation. It is delicate because we have just met; and we do have not shared such deep feelings. Though I am eager, I need to hold back in order to allow the friendship to grow, then God will hopefully have a hand in helping direct this.  Will my choices of what church i end up going to be influenced by him? It depends upon the people I meet, and the sense of fellowship that surrounds me. I feel it is hospitable, friendly, and social.

Paths of Poetry

A majority of these enclosed poems embrace themes associated with coming to terms with my sexuality. Interestingly, some of the earliest poems were written before I was honest with myself; others were written during sadness, some were inspired by moments of insight that allowed myself more access to my heart, mind and soul.  Some express comfort, other express confusion, fear, joy, doubt, anger, and all other emotions in between.  

I have shared below most of my poems, and will eventually edit additional blurbs explaining the circumstances surrounding these poems, as well as some additional insights in retrospect, as I review my emotional and spiritual paths of the past 3 years. These poems trace my emotional state, and provide intimate windows into my states of mind during various stages of either coming out, or growing in my faith in God.  Interestingly, these two paths intertwined. During my rejuvenation in my faith, which provided me structure by which to get in touch with my conscience and how to pray to God.. I learned how to express my needs and identify priorities in my life.  What followed was an abrupt need to answer the calling of my gayness, and make a severe break from the path I was forcing myself to pursue.  What ensued, both before and after that severe break, were poems.  I did not know I could write poems, and realized that poems as opposed to prose may be better at capturing the raw emotional real moments in life.... And truly, as you read these below, you will realize the almost raw nature of my ponderings, my sorrows, my joys.  I hope to keep turning to these poems in coming days, to learn about the themes and patterns of my coming out path.  These have been therapeutic to write, to read, and to pray about.. and my hopes are that they can provide hope to those feeling the same pains and joys of coming to terms with who you are... whether it is sexuality, or any other path...from which you may fear severing yourself from in order to grow into the person God intended you to be.  I embraced raw pain, raw fear, prayed, wrote, stumbled, contemplated.. for months and months... to help with my transformation.  These poems below provide a snapshot into that journey. 

Embrace

 

Embrace yourself to the core;

Reveal humbly, your own dreams, fears, realities.

And an outgrowth of energy, love will come forth to those around you.

 

Feelings of inner peace

With healthy detachment to those feelings and friendships

Previously clung to.

 

Allow the Spirit to come in,

To Breath,

To create a sense of space, freedom

 

Being yourself,

Expressing your love,

Humbly giving of oneself.

 

Once you've embraced your soul,

The world opens up,

Living becomes an opporunity to love.

 

Allow

 

Keeping the busy nature at bay,

The obligations, the seemingly important tasks.

 

Letting the slow, solitude seep in, slowly

allowing you to feel what is in your heart

 

Delve into your soul,

A spiritual exercise held at bay for too long.

 

Feel the cleansing of the spirit,

The joy, the happiness, thankfulness

 

As you let go

Let your spirit open, heal, relax

To provide a sense of peace, solitude

 

Abundant Giving

 

Abundance of love in my heart

Transforming my will

Guiding my spirit

 

Beautiful thanksgiving as I pray

Strive to be whole, at peace

 

The answer is to give

Compassionately

Empty yourself

To share these profound feelings of contentment

 

To others, they suffer

In poverty, they gain strength and hope

 

To recognize,

To act upon the needs of others becomes your own need.

To give back, to touch the hearts of those in need.

 

Selfless giving

As prompted by a Spirit of faith, hope and love.

 

To provide

To offer peace, strength

Is to experience God's love

 

Immersion

 

Profound comforting peace,

With a deep sense of gratitude

Yet, a distant emptiness,

Waiting to be fulfilled.

 

Surrounded by loved ones,

Wanting to embrace, posses, nurture

An intimacy out of reach.

 

How to tend to an unfulfilled need

Tears fill,

Emptiness wells up sorrow,

From a deep, soulful spirit

 

Juxtaposition of

Peace, joy, melancholy

A state of being, wanting to grasp the eternity of love,

To feel, to taste, that everlasting security.

 

Once tears dry, the spirit calms,

As music fills the heart,

And visions of hospitality and giving replace

The seemingly pervading sadness.

 

The hope of family, memories, compassion

Building communities of love

Suspends thee in joy.

 

In whatever form of giving, of family,

To creatively give becomes,

A passion, a need,

To extend oneself, to love

 

To love, it is the answer

To empty oneself, selfless acts,

As a way to immerse oneself in the purpose of life.

 

Search

 

Aching for intimacy

Caught between realities and fantasises

Striving for meaning.

 

Longing for truths,

Divided between society and soul

Searching for resolution

 

Hope

 

Trapped in my mind,

Looking out,

Seeking intimacy, beauty, kindness

 

How to embrace, immerse.

To touch, to feel

Hold it in my heart

 

To let go

It will come

 

Rising Anew

 

Intense solitude

Nights melt into the early morning light

Touched by dim memories of the previous day

 

Where to turn from,

Thoughts hence born

Worries created

Fantasies seen

 

To begin a new day,

After having journeys of

Images

Words

Sounds

Love

Despair

 

A heavy heart, transformed

By hope, it greets the morning twilight.

 

As he waits to embrace

Love

Hope

Kindness

 

 

Disequilibrium

 

Racing mind, disquieted soul

Only to be put to rest by

Disciplined, deliberate prayer,

Life's structures

 

What is this fast-paced need?

To express, to feel, to seek out.

This profound love, to live?

 

Scared thoughts race

Wondering what others think

To share or not

 

Feelings of being rushed

Elation

Inabilities

Sleeplessness

 

Why the racing mind?

Help still me

 

 

Anticipated Love

 

A love so strong,

You look into her eyes and see your present, past and future

 

A love so strong,

You finish eachothers thoughts and sentences.

 

A love so strong,

Your soul emanates a light that shines to all you interact with

 

A love so strong,

That thoughts of the loss makes your stomach turn.

 

But a love so strong,

You feel ever so devoted to move mountains for her

 

A love so strong,

I did not know these feelings existed.

A blanket of security, peace, tranquility, hope, joy

Constantly there.

 

A love so strong,

That I need her. 

That I am a transformed person,

Willing to take steps to be a better man

For her

For her family.

For her friends.

 

To create a fountain of love

To create your future together

Toi create memories for generations to come

 

A love so strong,

It lifts you up to see others praise her

 

A love so strong,

Your heart skips a beat as her beauty radiates to those around her.

 

Oh, if they only knew.

Oh, if they only knew.

Her beauty as I see her

to express my love to wish others to experience such a love.

 

A love so strong,

I wish to devote my life to her

And care this love to all those around me.

 

A love so strong,

I gain an immense sense of respect for her

culture

feelings

boundaries

 

A love so strong,

That patients and understanding becomes a virtue,

To string toward even more

To know that love, forgiveness, respect,

Can help keep love strong.

 

A love so strong,

That prayer and God at the cneter

Brings love to another level of being

Taps into a real of life

Which previously did not exist.

 

A love that opens windows into

eachother's heart.

 

A love so strong,

I will respect our love.

 

A love so strong

That sacrifice becomes automatice.

A reflex of deep caring and understanding

 

A love so deep,

To know in your herat it will last forever

A timeliness feeling of joy.

 

A love so deep,

That times of sorrow will heal with tender touch, understanding, forgiveness

To know this love, is to feel deep in the soul..

Freedom

Devotion

Patience

Joy

That lasts beyond all the years

 

A love so strong,

I remain quiet and patient,

To have a perception to know what it is right

When the word should be spoken

A quiet respect and dep understanding

Whose source is a mystery

 

A love so strong,

That you can retreat into solitude to praise God for your gifts

Knowing that being in communion with one another

Awaits you in a glory yet to be seen.

 

A love so strong,

Your faith in the glory to come suspends you during good and bad times.

 

A love so strong

you can bask for hours in prayer, thoughts, poetry, and music

Pondering a future of happiness and security.

 

But a love so strong,

During bad times, which is part of love,

Is balanced with forgiveness and reconciliation.

 

To know this is the way

To healing,

To know that two held in communion together

with voes of understand and love

Adhere to such sacred promies

Which will hold them together

For a lifetime and beyond.

 

A love so strong,

That you feel the presence will only grow stronger

And this glory will shine

Ever greater than previously thought.

 

Will create a calmness,

A sense of peace, which

Continually revnews the soul,

transforms the mind, to kindness and love

 

A love so strong, that

poety epxressed beauty better than words,

To paint the feelings of the heart,

To express

To move

to create

To love

 

A love so strong

Her beauty radiates the room

her understated tone, modesty

Filles those with feelings of compassion

A quety love, that can transform those around her

 

A love so strong,

You want a dance, a walk on a beach

To last a lifetime.

 

But a love so strong,

You know you can let go of a moment,

And create a link to the next one.

A security knowing that experiences together may be intertwined with joyful anticipation

 

A love so strong,

I can let go, trust, and be myself.

 

A love so strong, 

I gain energy from her stories, her laughter, 

and witnessing her interactions from friends.

 

Oh, to witness her compassion with others, 

To see her love shine, 

How she reaches out to others with

Thoughtfulness

Grace

Understanding

 

A love so strong, 

I want to be unselfish

 

And a love so strong

My feelings toward her spill 

over to other parts of my life, 

Filling my own life around me with love. 

 

To be inspired to be more compassionte

To seek a greater level of love, 

Each and every day

Is an amazing, beautiful

Overwhelming feeling and devotion

that will last a lifetime 

 

 

Tears of Transformation

 

The suffering of the human spirit

Manifests itself into emotions.

 

Emotions, those strong clouds

of energy that wash over your body,

Transforming your perceptions, your reality

 

And through the tears,

Our spirits cry out to the Lord

To help bring our souls back into equilibrium

yet through this rebalance

we grow in faith, trust, love, forgiveness.

 

Conversations

 

The ones that linger

Forward bringing

Emotions unanticipated

 

Word that flow

Intermingling,

Take on a life of their own.

 

Words wander

Creating,

A beautiful conversation at each step

 

Conversation backdrops of Anxiety and feelings withheld

Changing

The color, timbre

 

Timid to react; insecure to place

ShyingAway, these Unrecognizeable phrases

 

The flow, swirls of the words

Slowing, A disjunct style ensues

 

 

Whisperings of the Soul

 

A soul thirsts for intimacy

Constancy, groundedness

 

the entity that seeks

Love, affirmation, approval

 

If the Holy Spirit sweeps through

The soul can rejuvenate

 

In times of weariness

In a windless landscape,

The soul waits

For a whisper to quench it's thirst

 

An affirmation from God

That makes everything right again.

 

A sense of peace to overshadow

The dark rumblings that so tempt us, guide us away

 

Help us, Oh Lord

To listen to that whisper

Ever so faint voice which waits to heal

 

It is in our midst

this source of infinite joy and wisdom

which our soul constantly seeks out.

 

Gratitude

 

She's teaching me better how to love,

A trust so deep, so comforting

To weep becomes a gift, a release

An expression of gratitude and peace

 

The beauty of life enhanced

A verse from God, a line of poetry

To be lost in thought and meditation

A freedom unbeknownst to me long before

Yet a power released from within

That heals the soul

 

Sacred Balance

 

The dance of love

Learning together,

Moving upward with

United grace and beauty

 

While one leads, another follows

Around the bend, the other leads,

the opposite follows.

 

As the music flows,

The dance is fluid,

Exchanging entery, love

With a graceful balance.

 

Mindful of eachothers body movements

The choreography blends naturally

A couple dancing in the night,

In tune with one another

 

Seduction

 

To be seduced by beauty

Yet to lose your identity

How to please the heart, yet retain your soul

 

To please, to witness appreciation,

Creates a hope of reciprocation.

 

If the heart recieves in a way that exceeds expectations,

versus a way that dims hope, how does one speak of that?

Do expectations both spoken and unspoken stifile an everlasting love which must be open?

 

To be seduced by love, a trick, a delusion.

A figment of imagination.

 

To not be in one's presence,

But to hear the words, read the words

To create a world within your mind

Is this not real?

 

To integrate love,

With hope and despair

Ups and downs,

Grit and beauty.

To open your heart,

With honesty and sacrifice,

 

Is a love

Not grounded in words only, But in action.

Not prayers only, but service. 

 

 

Dark Foundations

 

Loneliness, darkness, unbeknownst to truths

Confusion, struggles, gripping to fear.

Love, and forgiveness, hopeful for grace.

 

Fearing the future, fearing change.

Fearing other's perceptions of my path.

 

Not knowing the truth.

What is real versus what is not?

Creation of myths of false love,

Weak foundations of faith and courage?

 

Was this love or an attempt to be loved

A one-sided experience of hurt and betrayal?

 

Waves, Tears, and Redemption

 

Gentle waves of calming musit,

Something you'd hear at a coffee shot,

While idly wathcing the passersby.

 

Catches a memory of a past love,

A tear forms, the memories crash down.

As tears fall, fall.

 

Peaceful waves of beautiful lulling music

Something you would hear in the background

As you watch raindrops gather at the edge of a window pane.

 

Catches a flood of past moments of love

Reminds you of a profound loss,

As tears fall, fall down.

 

Bright waves of hopeful joyful music.

Something you'd hear as the wedding reception dies down.

As the bride and groom take a slow dance ahd hope for the future.

 

Catches a ray of sun,

A glimmer of a hopeful loving future

As tears dry, and peace enters the soul.

 

 Emerging Light

 

A release from the insights

Of my being

My soul

 

Self discovery of truths unveiled,

Gently emerge,

To give way to hope and light.

 

Emerging from the darkness,

Peering into the distance.

The soul feels warmth,

Sees light.

 

Providing hope, gladness.

Peace, forgiveness.

 

 

Untitled

 

Where did I go?

Where is the happienss?

Erase the gloom, deep in the soul.

Why do I doubt myself so?

Where did the demons come from

And where, how, can I make them go?

 

Time seems to creep along in times of loneliness

Nowhere to turn

Restless, eager, yet

Hopeless and bored

 

What is this that I experience?

Am I cursed in such a way

Emotions immobilize me.

 

How could my heart betray another so?

How will I know if this

Life that I envision

Will ever be mine?

 

Help my soul seek rest, solace

As I reinvent myself again

 

Paths of Pain

 

How long is the path to healing?

Is it arduous, uncertain, painful?

Where are the signs toward hope?

 

Where is my compass to help navigate the path?

Where is my inner light, provide me strength, confidence, widsom?

Is a lamp hidden when it must come to bear hope and truth?

 

Paths to happiness, eternal life, love.

How does one react, seek out?

When one path has shut down?

 

When foundations have been shattered,

Guilt bestowed,

Now to rebuild trust and hope again?

 

Untitled

 

Intense outpouring of

Redemption, hope, and forgiveness

 

STarting as a sense of peace, as

Recognizing love crossing your path,

through interactions, smiles, recognizations.

 

god loves you, I love you, God whispers into your soul

As you cross the parking lot

The summer breeze blowing, a tear forms, confidence fills your heart.

 

Past transgressions flow into tears

The juxtaposition of love surrounding you

Brings out sorrow of past doings.

 

The cleansing of the soul -- tears, sobs, sobs

Cleaning, tiring you, calming you, sighs.

 

Childhood memoreis of tears

That comforting catharsis following,

 

A peaceful feeling,

Pondering in calmnes

The bittersweet tones of life, relationships, love

 

What next

Uncertainty

In the midst of love

 

Manifested through

A friend, a newborn, a summer breeze

 

To give back to love

To pour yourself out,

To find peace again.

 

 

Toward Peace

 

Profond comforting peace

A deep sense of gratitude,

Yet a distant emptiness

Waiting to be filles.

 

Surrounded by love ones,

Wanting to embrace, possess, nurther

An intimacy out of reach.

 

How to tend to an unfulfilled ned,

Tears fill, emptiness weels up.

Sorrow from a deep soulful spirit.

 

Juxtaposed peace, joy, melancholy,

A state of being,

Wanting to grasp the eternity of love

To feel, to taste

That everlasting security.

 

Once tears dry, the spirit calms

As music fills the heart,

And visions of hospitaility and giveing

Resplce the seeminglies pervasive sadness.

 

The hope of family, memories,

Compassion, building communities of love,

Suspends in joy.

 

In whatever form of giving, of family

To creatively give becomes a passion, a need

To extend oneself, to love

 

To love, that is the answer.

To empty oneself, selfles acts

As a way to immerse oneself in the purity of life

Of love.

 

 

Untitled

 

Mind jumping and racing

Disquieted soul.

Wandering, searching

Confused, excited

Stimulated, unfocused.

Hopeful.

 

And then to write a verse

identify, discern

The soul rests in peace

Prepared to start anew

 

Untitled II

 

A flash of fear and uncertainty.

Of which I do, or do not control?

Hurtling through life

Enjoying the moment, yet preparing

For a future, am I doing enough..

For God.

 

Hope Whispers

A presence overcomes me
A healing, overwhelming aura
Leaving me comforted,
A powerful gentle whisper of hope
Of healing of past sorrows

Hope

A deep peace
Confirms my existence,
My hope, my days
How does such a power grip
the soul in deep gratitude?
Painful paths making ways to
Glorious mercy.

Release Me

Release my soul to greater places
Of freedom, beauty and newness.
I open my heart, feeling the current
Of hope surrounding my whole.
Is this presence of my own doing
Or the opening of truths finally
Which set me free?

Warmth

Emotional closeness, God.
I can feel the comfort.
The warmth, The heart, the soul.
Opening up to the one who helps
To feel safe, vulnerable, to share.
A love, a comfortable warmth.

Gaydar Detective Work

Wow, perhaps my Gay Dar is starting to work? Holy crap. I was joking to myself at the gym tonight that the Gay Swim Team was in town for practice. In the locker room, all these very good looking guys had just finished swimming, some of them acting a bit more feminine than usual. Well, I checked one guy out, and remembered his face.... only to find him on the Gay Pride volunteer page photo album online just about 1 hour later as I was surfing the web for resources in the city.

I'm starting to crack the code, perhaps.... perceiving the underground secret network after all. Will my detective work land me some new gay friends? Time will tell.

This Closet Sure Has A Big Fucking Lock On It. How Do I Unlock It?

My perceptions of coming out last year compared to now are so very different.  One year ago, I figured that once I even got through the denial stage, it would just take my getting onto an online dating site to start meeting guys, and then my confusing yet exhilarating gay life would commence.

Clearly, it has not turned out that way, probably for the best.  Instead of these assumed quick transitions, it has been more like ebbs and flows of hope, fear, joy, and sadness... until I finally reached a line of stability and acceptance.  Those ebbs and flows led to obsessive searches, high expectations, frequent depressions, and unhealthy pursuits of online sex escapades.

I have grown out of that obsessive phase, realizing it's counter productivity and the toll it was taking on my mental health, even though I had already gotten through what I thought was the hard part: accepting myself.  I am learning that the coming out process is full of stages, which are unique in length, difficulty, content.. depending upon the person.

Funny I consider myself a pretty mature and stable person with a high quality of life.  Despite this, my up and down phases were excruciating.  I had to face the pain of rejections, false hopes, the chasing of allusions, the seductive nature of sex, orgasms, and empty interactions with faceless names.

So I now find myself in a new place, a new town, where my new life has begun.  The process of relocating fortunately derailed me from the awful online addictions which entrapped me, leaving me questioning myself all over again.  But that derailing was a blessing, for now I am pro-actively taking on real networking with real people; casting away the online Craigs List and virtual hook-up culture for real people with whom I can share a coffee, a movie, or a dinner.

And as I embark with this newly found enthusiasm, some days compared to others my hope shines brighter.  On the dimmer days, I ask myself "Is it really this difficult, seriously?"  I have come this far, and still.... surprise myself at no experiences with men, although I surprise other gay men even more by saying I  am gay without have had that experience yet. Am I barking up the wrong tree still?

In comparing other relationship journeys to this one, I have never really been this pro-active in seeking out relationships or friendships ever.  Perhaps my impatience is a factor, or my insecurities, or something else I am missing... but I'm convinced that I am missing some key information and/or clue to finding a man, making friends with gays, or who knows what.

OK. Fine. I'm being a bit melodramatic. I base my conclusions on 7 months of dodgy-at-best online interactions and escapades. But still, even with the somewhat "normal" online venues, like Match.com, or Gay.com, are all men on these sites really rude enough to not even respond to somebody?

This attempt to find a gay set of friends has clearly become more of a "project" than I had anticipated.  The old wisdom of "just get involved and you'll meet somebody" does not quite make the cut here.  In this case, one has to either a) surround yourself with gay people; b) come out to people who have gay friends; c) or a combination of the two, in order to find a healthy, similar gay friends or partners.

I did not know the "closet" had such a big fucking lock on it.  How do I unlock this thing?

I guess I'm to the point where I have no fear of networking, so I will say what I have done thus far to help my journey progress:

• I have signed up for young adult pride group in my hometown; and have emailed back and forth with one of the leaders; although I missed the recent dinner
• I have signed up for the local Catholic gay support group which has a BBQ next month. 
• I have signed up for counseling with a therapist specifically trained in sexual orientation issues. 
• I am considering showing up to the LGBT community discussion at the the Metropolitan Community Church just to feel it out. 
• I may take the online dating more seriously, and spend more time reading profiles and sending messages with more substance, instead of just surfing for eye candy and a quick date. 
• I will network further with friends I know who are gay or lesbian, which will increase my network. 
• I will come out only if comfortable to certain straight friends, who may be able to introduce me to folks as well. 

And, so not to shut myself off from my ever comfortable heterosexual world, I will:

• start reconnecting with old friends from my hometown
• find a local hiking and outdoor club, swim club, or ballroom dancing club. 

These are my prescriptions to myself for a pro-active journey toward gay friendships.  I hope that my efforts start bearing fruit, because jeez, at this point, I just feel like I have created a large academic sociological project regarding the coming out experience of a 30-something professional in modern day society.

Huh. Maybe a book someday....

Any takers?

Signing off for now..
Zigman