I have shared below most of my poems, and will eventually edit additional blurbs explaining the circumstances surrounding these poems, as well as some additional insights in retrospect, as I review my emotional and spiritual paths of the past 3 years. These poems trace my emotional state, and provide intimate windows into my states of mind during various stages of either coming out, or growing in my faith in God. Interestingly, these two paths intertwined. During my rejuvenation in my faith, which provided me structure by which to get in touch with my conscience and how to pray to God.. I learned how to express my needs and identify priorities in my life. What followed was an abrupt need to answer the calling of my gayness, and make a severe break from the path I was forcing myself to pursue. What ensued, both before and after that severe break, were poems. I did not know I could write poems, and realized that poems as opposed to prose may be better at capturing the raw emotional real moments in life.... And truly, as you read these below, you will realize the almost raw nature of my ponderings, my sorrows, my joys. I hope to keep turning to these poems in coming days, to learn about the themes and patterns of my coming out path. These have been therapeutic to write, to read, and to pray about.. and my hopes are that they can provide hope to those feeling the same pains and joys of coming to terms with who you are... whether it is sexuality, or any other path...from which you may fear severing yourself from in order to grow into the person God intended you to be. I embraced raw pain, raw fear, prayed, wrote, stumbled, contemplated.. for months and months... to help with my transformation. These poems below provide a snapshot into that journey.
Embrace
Embrace yourself to the core;
Reveal humbly, your own dreams, fears, realities.
And an outgrowth of energy, love will come forth to those around you.
Feelings of inner peace
With healthy detachment to those feelings and friendships
Previously clung to.
Allow the Spirit to come in,
To Breath,
To create a sense of space, freedom
Being yourself,
Expressing your love,
Humbly giving of oneself.
Once you've embraced your soul,
The world opens up,
Living becomes an opporunity to love.
Allow
Keeping the busy nature at bay,
The obligations, the seemingly important tasks.
Letting the slow, solitude seep in, slowly
allowing you to feel what is in your heart
Delve into your soul,
A spiritual exercise held at bay for too long.
Feel the cleansing of the spirit,
The joy, the happiness, thankfulness
As you let go
Let your spirit open, heal, relax
To provide a sense of peace, solitude
Abundant Giving
Abundance of love in my heart
Transforming my will
Guiding my spirit
Beautiful thanksgiving as I pray
Strive to be whole, at peace
The answer is to give
Compassionately
Empty yourself
To share these profound feelings of contentment
To others, they suffer
In poverty, they gain strength and hope
To recognize,
To act upon the needs of others becomes your own need.
To give back, to touch the hearts of those in need.
Selfless giving
As prompted by a Spirit of faith, hope and love.
To provide
To offer peace, strength
Is to experience God's love
Immersion
Profound comforting peace,
With a deep sense of gratitude
Yet, a distant emptiness,
Waiting to be fulfilled.
Surrounded by loved ones,
Wanting to embrace, posses, nurture
An intimacy out of reach.
How to tend to an unfulfilled need
Tears fill,
Emptiness wells up sorrow,
From a deep, soulful spirit
Juxtaposition of
Peace, joy, melancholy
A state of being, wanting to grasp the eternity of love,
To feel, to taste, that everlasting security.
Once tears dry, the spirit calms,
As music fills the heart,
And visions of hospitality and giving replace
The seemingly pervading sadness.
The hope of family, memories, compassion
Building communities of love
Suspends thee in joy.
In whatever form of giving, of family,
To creatively give becomes,
A passion, a need,
To extend oneself, to love
To love, it is the answer
To empty oneself, selfless acts,
As a way to immerse oneself in the purpose of life.
Search
Aching for intimacy
Caught between realities and fantasises
Striving for meaning.
Longing for truths,
Divided between society and soul
Searching for resolution
Hope
Trapped in my mind,
Looking out,
Seeking intimacy, beauty, kindness
How to embrace, immerse.
To touch, to feel
Hold it in my heart
To let go
It will come
Rising Anew
Intense solitude
Nights melt into the early morning light
Touched by dim memories of the previous day
Where to turn from,
Thoughts hence born
Worries created
Fantasies seen
To begin a new day,
After having journeys of
Images
Words
Sounds
Love
Despair
A heavy heart, transformed
By hope, it greets the morning twilight.
As he waits to embrace
Love
Hope
Kindness
Disequilibrium
Racing mind, disquieted soul
Only to be put to rest by
Disciplined, deliberate prayer,
Life's structures
What is this fast-paced need?
To express, to feel, to seek out.
This profound love, to live?
Scared thoughts race
Wondering what others think
To share or not
Feelings of being rushed
Elation
Inabilities
Sleeplessness
Why the racing mind?
Help still me
Anticipated Love
A love so strong,
You look into her eyes and see your present, past and future
A love so strong,
You finish eachothers thoughts and sentences.
A love so strong,
Your soul emanates a light that shines to all you interact with
A love so strong,
That thoughts of the loss makes your stomach turn.
But a love so strong,
You feel ever so devoted to move mountains for her
A love so strong,
I did not know these feelings existed.
A blanket of security, peace, tranquility, hope, joy
Constantly there.
A love so strong,
That I need her.
That I am a transformed person,
Willing to take steps to be a better man
For her
For her family.
For her friends.
To create a fountain of love
To create your future together
Toi create memories for generations to come
A love so strong,
It lifts you up to see others praise her
A love so strong,
Your heart skips a beat as her beauty radiates to those around her.
Oh, if they only knew.
Oh, if they only knew.
Her beauty as I see her
to express my love to wish others to experience such a love.
A love so strong,
I wish to devote my life to her
And care this love to all those around me.
A love so strong,
I gain an immense sense of respect for her
culture
feelings
boundaries
A love so strong,
That patients and understanding becomes a virtue,
To string toward even more
To know that love, forgiveness, respect,
Can help keep love strong.
A love so strong,
That prayer and God at the cneter
Brings love to another level of being
Taps into a real of life
Which previously did not exist.
A love that opens windows into
eachother's heart.
A love so strong,
I will respect our love.
A love so strong
That sacrifice becomes automatice.
A reflex of deep caring and understanding
A love so deep,
To know in your herat it will last forever
A timeliness feeling of joy.
A love so deep,
That times of sorrow will heal with tender touch, understanding, forgiveness
To know this love, is to feel deep in the soul..
Freedom
Devotion
Patience
Joy
That lasts beyond all the years
A love so strong,
I remain quiet and patient,
To have a perception to know what it is right
When the word should be spoken
A quiet respect and dep understanding
Whose source is a mystery
A love so strong,
That you can retreat into solitude to praise God for your gifts
Knowing that being in communion with one another
Awaits you in a glory yet to be seen.
A love so strong,
Your faith in the glory to come suspends you during good and bad times.
A love so strong
you can bask for hours in prayer, thoughts, poetry, and music
Pondering a future of happiness and security.
But a love so strong,
During bad times, which is part of love,
Is balanced with forgiveness and reconciliation.
To know this is the way
To healing,
To know that two held in communion together
with voes of understand and love
Adhere to such sacred promies
Which will hold them together
For a lifetime and beyond.
A love so strong,
That you feel the presence will only grow stronger
And this glory will shine
Ever greater than previously thought.
Will create a calmness,
A sense of peace, which
Continually revnews the soul,
transforms the mind, to kindness and love
A love so strong, that
poety epxressed beauty better than words,
To paint the feelings of the heart,
To express
To move
to create
To love
A love so strong
Her beauty radiates the room
her understated tone, modesty
Filles those with feelings of compassion
A quety love, that can transform those around her
A love so strong,
You want a dance, a walk on a beach
To last a lifetime.
But a love so strong,
You know you can let go of a moment,
And create a link to the next one.
A security knowing that experiences together may be intertwined with joyful anticipation
A love so strong,
I can let go, trust, and be myself.
A love so strong,
I gain energy from her stories, her laughter,
and witnessing her interactions from friends.
Oh, to witness her compassion with others,
To see her love shine,
How she reaches out to others with
Thoughtfulness
Grace
Understanding
A love so strong,
I want to be unselfish
And a love so strong
My feelings toward her spill
over to other parts of my life,
Filling my own life around me with love.
To be inspired to be more compassionte
To seek a greater level of love,
Each and every day
Is an amazing, beautiful
Overwhelming feeling and devotion
that will last a lifetime
Tears of Transformation
The suffering of the human spirit
Manifests itself into emotions.
Emotions, those strong clouds
of energy that wash over your body,
Transforming your perceptions, your reality
And through the tears,
Our spirits cry out to the Lord
To help bring our souls back into equilibrium
yet through this rebalance
we grow in faith, trust, love, forgiveness.
Conversations
The ones that linger
Forward bringing
Emotions unanticipated
Word that flow
Intermingling,
Take on a life of their own.
Words wander
Creating,
A beautiful conversation at each step
Conversation backdrops of Anxiety and feelings withheld
Changing
The color, timbre
Timid to react; insecure to place
ShyingAway, these Unrecognizeable phrases
The flow, swirls of the words
Slowing, A disjunct style ensues
Whisperings of the Soul
A soul thirsts for intimacy
Constancy, groundedness
the entity that seeks
Love, affirmation, approval
If the Holy Spirit sweeps through
The soul can rejuvenate
In times of weariness
In a windless landscape,
The soul waits
For a whisper to quench it's thirst
An affirmation from God
That makes everything right again.
A sense of peace to overshadow
The dark rumblings that so tempt us, guide us away
Help us, Oh Lord
To listen to that whisper
Ever so faint voice which waits to heal
It is in our midst
this source of infinite joy and wisdom
which our soul constantly seeks out.
Gratitude
She's teaching me better how to love,
A trust so deep, so comforting
To weep becomes a gift, a release
An expression of gratitude and peace
The beauty of life enhanced
A verse from God, a line of poetry
To be lost in thought and meditation
A freedom unbeknownst to me long before
Yet a power released from within
That heals the soul
Sacred Balance
The dance of love
Learning together,
Moving upward with
United grace and beauty
While one leads, another follows
Around the bend, the other leads,
the opposite follows.
As the music flows,
The dance is fluid,
Exchanging entery, love
With a graceful balance.
Mindful of eachothers body movements
The choreography blends naturally
A couple dancing in the night,
In tune with one another
Seduction
To be seduced by beauty
Yet to lose your identity
How to please the heart, yet retain your soul
To please, to witness appreciation,
Creates a hope of reciprocation.
If the heart recieves in a way that exceeds expectations,
versus a way that dims hope, how does one speak of that?
Do expectations both spoken and unspoken stifile an everlasting love which must be open?
To be seduced by love, a trick, a delusion.
A figment of imagination.
To not be in one's presence,
But to hear the words, read the words
To create a world within your mind
Is this not real?
To integrate love,
With hope and despair
Ups and downs,
Grit and beauty.
To open your heart,
With honesty and sacrifice,
Is a love
Not grounded in words only, But in action.
Not prayers only, but service.
Dark Foundations
Loneliness, darkness, unbeknownst to truths
Confusion, struggles, gripping to fear.
Love, and forgiveness, hopeful for grace.
Fearing the future, fearing change.
Fearing other's perceptions of my path.
Not knowing the truth.
What is real versus what is not?
Creation of myths of false love,
Weak foundations of faith and courage?
Was this love or an attempt to be loved
A one-sided experience of hurt and betrayal?
Waves, Tears, and Redemption
Gentle waves of calming musit,
Something you'd hear at a coffee shot,
While idly wathcing the passersby.
Catches a memory of a past love,
A tear forms, the memories crash down.
As tears fall, fall.
Peaceful waves of beautiful lulling music
Something you would hear in the background
As you watch raindrops gather at the edge of a window pane.
Catches a flood of past moments of love
Reminds you of a profound loss,
As tears fall, fall down.
Bright waves of hopeful joyful music.
Something you'd hear as the wedding reception dies down.
As the bride and groom take a slow dance ahd hope for the future.
Catches a ray of sun,
A glimmer of a hopeful loving future
As tears dry, and peace enters the soul.
Emerging Light
A release from the insights
Of my being
My soul
Self discovery of truths unveiled,
Gently emerge,
To give way to hope and light.
Emerging from the darkness,
Peering into the distance.
The soul feels warmth,
Sees light.
Providing hope, gladness.
Peace, forgiveness.
Untitled
Where did I go?
Where is the happienss?
Erase the gloom, deep in the soul.
Why do I doubt myself so?
Where did the demons come from
And where, how, can I make them go?
Time seems to creep along in times of loneliness
Nowhere to turn
Restless, eager, yet
Hopeless and bored
What is this that I experience?
Am I cursed in such a way
Emotions immobilize me.
How could my heart betray another so?
How will I know if this
Life that I envision
Will ever be mine?
Help my soul seek rest, solace
As I reinvent myself again
Paths of Pain
How long is the path to healing?
Is it arduous, uncertain, painful?
Where are the signs toward hope?
Where is my compass to help navigate the path?
Where is my inner light, provide me strength, confidence, widsom?
Is a lamp hidden when it must come to bear hope and truth?
Paths to happiness, eternal life, love.
How does one react, seek out?
When one path has shut down?
When foundations have been shattered,
Guilt bestowed,
Now to rebuild trust and hope again?
Untitled
Intense outpouring of
Redemption, hope, and forgiveness
STarting as a sense of peace, as
Recognizing love crossing your path,
through interactions, smiles, recognizations.
god loves you, I love you, God whispers into your soul
As you cross the parking lot
The summer breeze blowing, a tear forms, confidence fills your heart.
Past transgressions flow into tears
The juxtaposition of love surrounding you
Brings out sorrow of past doings.
The cleansing of the soul -- tears, sobs, sobs
Cleaning, tiring you, calming you, sighs.
Childhood memoreis of tears
That comforting catharsis following,
A peaceful feeling,
Pondering in calmnes
The bittersweet tones of life, relationships, love
What next
Uncertainty
In the midst of love
Manifested through
A friend, a newborn, a summer breeze
To give back to love
To pour yourself out,
To find peace again.
Toward Peace
Profond comforting peace
A deep sense of gratitude,
Yet a distant emptiness
Waiting to be filles.
Surrounded by love ones,
Wanting to embrace, possess, nurther
An intimacy out of reach.
How to tend to an unfulfilled ned,
Tears fill, emptiness weels up.
Sorrow from a deep soulful spirit.
Juxtaposed peace, joy, melancholy,
A state of being,
Wanting to grasp the eternity of love
To feel, to taste
That everlasting security.
Once tears dry, the spirit calms
As music fills the heart,
And visions of hospitaility and giveing
Resplce the seeminglies pervasive sadness.
The hope of family, memories,
Compassion, building communities of love,
Suspends in joy.
In whatever form of giving, of family
To creatively give becomes a passion, a need
To extend oneself, to love
To love, that is the answer.
To empty oneself, selfles acts
As a way to immerse oneself in the purity of life
Of love.
Untitled
Mind jumping and racing
Disquieted soul.
Wandering, searching
Confused, excited
Stimulated, unfocused.
Hopeful.
And then to write a verse
identify, discern
The soul rests in peace
Prepared to start anew
Untitled II
A flash of fear and uncertainty.
Of which I do, or do not control?
Hurtling through life
Enjoying the moment, yet preparing
For a future, am I doing enough..
For God.
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