Clearly, it has not turned out that way, probably for the best. Instead of these assumed quick transitions, it has been more like ebbs and flows of hope, fear, joy, and sadness... until I finally reached a line of stability and acceptance. Those ebbs and flows led to obsessive searches, high expectations, frequent depressions, and unhealthy pursuits of online sex escapades.
I have grown out of that obsessive phase, realizing it's counter productivity and the toll it was taking on my mental health, even though I had already gotten through what I thought was the hard part: accepting myself. I am learning that the coming out process is full of stages, which are unique in length, difficulty, content.. depending upon the person.
Funny I consider myself a pretty mature and stable person with a high quality of life. Despite this, my up and down phases were excruciating. I had to face the pain of rejections, false hopes, the chasing of allusions, the seductive nature of sex, orgasms, and empty interactions with faceless names.
So I now find myself in a new place, a new town, where my new life has begun. The process of relocating fortunately derailed me from the awful online addictions which entrapped me, leaving me questioning myself all over again. But that derailing was a blessing, for now I am pro-actively taking on real networking with real people; casting away the online Craigs List and virtual hook-up culture for real people with whom I can share a coffee, a movie, or a dinner.
And as I embark with this newly found enthusiasm, some days compared to others my hope shines brighter. On the dimmer days, I ask myself "Is it really this difficult, seriously?" I have come this far, and still.... surprise myself at no experiences with men, although I surprise other gay men even more by saying I am gay without have had that experience yet. Am I barking up the wrong tree still?
In comparing other relationship journeys to this one, I have never really been this pro-active in seeking out relationships or friendships ever. Perhaps my impatience is a factor, or my insecurities, or something else I am missing... but I'm convinced that I am missing some key information and/or clue to finding a man, making friends with gays, or who knows what.
OK. Fine. I'm being a bit melodramatic. I base my conclusions on 7 months of dodgy-at-best online interactions and escapades. But still, even with the somewhat "normal" online venues, like Match.com, or Gay.com, are all men on these sites really rude enough to not even respond to somebody?
This attempt to find a gay set of friends has clearly become more of a "project" than I had anticipated. The old wisdom of "just get involved and you'll meet somebody" does not quite make the cut here. In this case, one has to either a) surround yourself with gay people; b) come out to people who have gay friends; c) or a combination of the two, in order to find a healthy, similar gay friends or partners.
I did not know the "closet" had such a big fucking lock on it. How do I unlock this thing?
I guess I'm to the point where I have no fear of networking, so I will say what I have done thus far to help my journey progress:
- I have signed up for young adult pride group in my hometown; and have emailed back and forth with one of the leaders; although I missed the recent dinner
- I have signed up for the local Catholic gay support group which has a BBQ next month.
- I have signed up for counseling with a therapist specifically trained in sexual orientation issues.
- I am considering showing up to the LGBT community discussion at the the Metropolitan Community Church just to feel it out.
- I may take the online dating more seriously, and spend more time reading profiles and sending messages with more substance, instead of just surfing for eye candy and a quick date.
- I will network further with friends I know who are gay or lesbian, which will increase my network.
- I will come out only if comfortable to certain straight friends, who may be able to introduce me to folks as well.
And, so not to shut myself off from my ever comfortable heterosexual world, I will:
- start reconnecting with old friends from my hometown
- find a local hiking and outdoor club, swim club, or ballroom dancing club.
These are my prescriptions to myself for a pro-active journey toward gay friendships. I hope that my efforts start bearing fruit, because jeez, at this point, I just feel like I have created a large academic sociological project regarding the coming out experience of a 30-something professional in modern day society.
Huh. Maybe a book someday....
Any takers?
Signing off for now..
Zigman
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