Onward to Fish In Homosexual Waters

I am pondering my multiple transitions, and trying to make it through each day.  Although I have had growth the past few days regarding my sexuality, I am still lamenting the reasons why I get so wrapped up in man-crushes, and why it interferes so much with my mental well being. There seem to be so many things at play right now, so many uncertainties and challenges right now, occurring all at the same time:

• Moving to a new city; 
• Acknowledging my attraction to men, and wanting to make progress in my life on this front; 
• Trying to fit into a new routine in the city I grew up in, but with my newly forming identity; 
• My tendency to get anxious, sad, and obsessive during times of transition or in non-structured environment; 
• My tendency to want to take steps to achieve an outcome, which may in fact just require patience, hope, and prayer
• My worries about these mental cycles; and how taking an additional medication sometimes makes me too tired during day. 
• My tendency to want to become best friends with every new guy I meet.. if I feel a connection.

I understand the consequences of these challenges and tendencies, and pray that I can seek resolution for at least some of them.  First, I need to somehow seek contentment in my solitude; and hope in the near adventures and people I will meet in my new life.  Second, I need to be OK relying on some extra medications and OK being a little anxious and down right now, given the big transitions in my life. Third, while exploring and making new friends, I need to create a structure for myself so that I remain less anxious. Fourth, I need to spread out my social network as to not put so much unnecessary pressure on one particular person or set of friends... which may result in high expectations and disappointment.

Regarding that fourth point, I shudder at the memories of my early college years, and even during the summers, trying to make friends in such a way that others most likely perceived me as either desperate, attracted to men, or just somehow "off".  Sometimes I take on the idiosyncratic behavior of my brother, who has Aspergers.  Because of how I was perceived, I was left vulnerable and the butt of jokes, especially as I tried even harder to become friends with the people who really did not care about.  It took me a while to even realize that I was an outcast to most of my own college class.  Why I put myself through that, I do not know. I suffered many uncomfortable moments, trying to fit in... when I would have been much better off exploring new frontiers..  When I did this, it led to friendships that will last a lifetime.

So, I need to remember those times of difficulty.... in moving to new places and making friends.  The initial periods of isolation will give way to new venues, new friends, and new opportunities. I need to gravitate toward those who take an interest in me.  And, I know this will happen.

But, there is an additional need apart from good friends.... I also am very familiar now with the deep truth in my heart that I would like a male companionship.  This additional need in a way handicaps me, because I feel a need to network in additional circles, including homosexual and heterosexual, in hopes of seeking both good heterosexual friends, as well as a male companion.  Oddly, I still feel isolated in a town in which I grew up, despite the friendships that will eventually form, and the people with whom I grew up that live here now.

So, I am left with the constant tune of homosexual challenges running through my head, as I chart new waters into friendships and activities to satisfy my heart, mind, and soul.  It is a difficult road, for I would like to network within the hetero world, but also know that in order to find a companion, I need to network within the homo world.  When I am in the midst of a man crush on a potential homosexual who lives in a heterosexual world, what am I to do?  I guess broaden my horizons to find other fish in the same homosexual sea.  Onward to fish in homosexual waters.