I reflect back on the original objective and goal of my blog.... which is below...
I am confronting the terrifying question: “Am I Gay"? Unbeknownst to me, this figurative closet enclosed me years ago. I start this blog in hopes of moving toward a greater sense of peace and clarity. With the exception of some random stories interspersed as comic relief, enclosed are the anecdotes of my standing, lingering, crying, praying, yelling, and laughing through this closet we call “gayness”. I hope these stories will entertain, provoke, and inspire.
Over the past 3.5 years, I feel confident that I have reached a sense of peace and clarity about my sexual orientation. I am indeed gay, and have reached a sense of satisfaction and relief. This transformation necessitated moving through some excruciating, yet important, stages. Interestingly I seemed to have moved through many of these stages rather quickly, the latest one being my 'teenage promiscuity' stage, one that my therapist insightfully referred to as my '35 year old teenage phase'. Indeed, my need to hook up and explore was part of that phase of my life which I did not experience....... I have also graduated through many phases apart from that one, including feeling comfortable going on dates with gay men. In my mind, I have reached a pattern of 'normalcy' which makes me feel much more confident in who I am, and who I am still becoming, and I am grateful for all support from friends I have had along the way.
Although I end this particular 3.5 year chapter of 'uncertainty and fear' with a sense of hope, my next chapter is not necessarily unique to just gay men... the chapter of dating. To me, I think that the issues I now deal with are not gayness or 'coming out' unique, which is part of my primary reason for this being my last blog entry, at least of *this* blog.
The title of this entry says it all: "I Was In A Closet Said the Gay Man", the concise and direct answer to the question asked a few years ago "Art Thou In a Closet, Sayeth the Str8 Man". And that is all.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Job completed... for now :)
I am clearly writing like a mad-man today, clearly a sign that I needed to vent my emotions, and think through some issues in my life. I feel better now :)
I'm going to Home Depot now. Interior design projects are calling my name.
I may check out the ballroom dancing venues around town as well. It's time to get back on the dance floor for some Tango, Rumba, and Cha-Cha action.
Watch out world. I'm back.
I'm going to Home Depot now. Interior design projects are calling my name.
I may check out the ballroom dancing venues around town as well. It's time to get back on the dance floor for some Tango, Rumba, and Cha-Cha action.
Watch out world. I'm back.
Unfinished Business
I still have some unresolved business to conduct: mentioning to some friends I'm gay. Although I know that 'coming out' is not required necessarily for everybody in one's life, but a few of my friends in the city I used to live in, I have been distancing myself from them out of fear.... fear that I haven't told them yet, and what they would think.
Although I do understand that coming out to everybody is not necessary, and sometimes not even advised... my therapist did share with me that if the withholding of this information is preventing you from reaching out to the people you love, it's time to share. This advice is worth it's weight in gold.
I have learned the opposite lesson as well.... which was a bit tough pill to swallow.... is that you should not come out to people you don't know very well. Fuck, it makes the other person so uncomfortable, and is so inappropriate. I mean, this whole theme going on in my head, about wanting acceptance., etc.. plays itself out in this situation as well... when I'm almost wanting to tell people because I see it as a way to share, and connect.
Well, never again.
I can recall 3 instances: 1 with a guy I had met through some networking; 1 at the gym, and 1 college roommate I hadn't spoken with in 15 years. For the first guy, outing myself seemed appropriate, because he asked about my dating life, and if I had any luck meeting women on the dating circuit. It was awkward for him, but not for me. He didn't have an issue with it, it was just a bit weird sharing that information with somebody I barely knew. For the second guy, I was glutton for punishment because after a few beers, I inserted my 'outing' into conversation, off a tangential conversation that was only somewhat related (if at all) to my sexuality. That went over like a lead balloon, and I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. And for my college roommate..... I again felt the need to bring it up over email, after he asked in a joking way how many women I've send to the cardiologist given the hearts I had broken over the years during my dating. Well, that was a bit more related to my sexuality, so I decided to mention to him, using the same humor... to bounce off his... 'well, i don't know about sending women to the cardiologist, but I did send them to the psychiatriast.. because I came out of the closet a few years ago'. Well. I guess I did not *really* have to say anything, but I do admit, he somewhat opened the door and invited me in for that one. Needless to say, and perhaps not surprisingly, I haven't heard back from him, and perhaps I never will. Not a loss necessarily, but just another reality of feeling different from others, and my life's path taking an alternative route, that others may not know how to respond or even deal with it.
Now, despite those difficult situations of coming out, I would say that 90% of my other interactions with friends and family have gone pretty darn well, so I say to those who were uncomfortable or disapproving of my life: it's your loss.
Although I do understand that coming out to everybody is not necessary, and sometimes not even advised... my therapist did share with me that if the withholding of this information is preventing you from reaching out to the people you love, it's time to share. This advice is worth it's weight in gold.
I have learned the opposite lesson as well.... which was a bit tough pill to swallow.... is that you should not come out to people you don't know very well. Fuck, it makes the other person so uncomfortable, and is so inappropriate. I mean, this whole theme going on in my head, about wanting acceptance., etc.. plays itself out in this situation as well... when I'm almost wanting to tell people because I see it as a way to share, and connect.
Well, never again.
I can recall 3 instances: 1 with a guy I had met through some networking; 1 at the gym, and 1 college roommate I hadn't spoken with in 15 years. For the first guy, outing myself seemed appropriate, because he asked about my dating life, and if I had any luck meeting women on the dating circuit. It was awkward for him, but not for me. He didn't have an issue with it, it was just a bit weird sharing that information with somebody I barely knew. For the second guy, I was glutton for punishment because after a few beers, I inserted my 'outing' into conversation, off a tangential conversation that was only somewhat related (if at all) to my sexuality. That went over like a lead balloon, and I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. And for my college roommate..... I again felt the need to bring it up over email, after he asked in a joking way how many women I've send to the cardiologist given the hearts I had broken over the years during my dating. Well, that was a bit more related to my sexuality, so I decided to mention to him, using the same humor... to bounce off his... 'well, i don't know about sending women to the cardiologist, but I did send them to the psychiatriast.. because I came out of the closet a few years ago'. Well. I guess I did not *really* have to say anything, but I do admit, he somewhat opened the door and invited me in for that one. Needless to say, and perhaps not surprisingly, I haven't heard back from him, and perhaps I never will. Not a loss necessarily, but just another reality of feeling different from others, and my life's path taking an alternative route, that others may not know how to respond or even deal with it.
Now, despite those difficult situations of coming out, I would say that 90% of my other interactions with friends and family have gone pretty darn well, so I say to those who were uncomfortable or disapproving of my life: it's your loss.
Today will be a new beginning
OK. I feel resolute about how I'm going to improve my life. As I removed myself from my stressful week, I have realized that I have shoved aside the hobbies I pursued before I relocated, and I'm not sure why. Part of my rationale was I needed to adjust to the new life as a tenure-track professor. So, I have been at it for a year, and pretty much have my routine down. I have moved into a new house and I'm all settled. I've reconnected with friends, family, and am starting to feel settled. So, what's next? I have been unhealthily pursuing the online dating/hook up scene, trying to fill a void. A void that exists, which is odd, because an outsider would not think of a void existing given my busy schedule, social life, and such. But, reality is not necessarily what appears at the surface, indeed. This wake-up call seems needed..... the wake-up call that I have gathered from listening to those around me.... either my friends, my family, or strangers on my blog. I have absorbed all of this, and established some patterns, patterns that need to change. Although I do not have control over what guys want to go on dates with me, I do have complete control over designing and pursuing hobbies that fulfill me. I mean, I look around and see what surrounds me, the interests which fill my soul and spirit with contentment, and wonder why the fuck I don't end up doing those, when I'm feeling a little lonely. Shit, what has been my fucking problem? I shouldn't be so hard on myself; I am glad that I have at least come to this important conclusions. Interesting that it took some courage to be vulnerable and taking risks.. such as blogging, asking guys out, being myself (trying to at least), listening to others, trying to be patient, confronting my own limitations and struggles, confronting these nuances of my personality... it has led me to ideas of how to build up my happiness again.
I think back to the journey of my coming out, and the victories which have grown out of struggles. I have had many 'phoenix rising' moments, born directly out of struggles, painful, and awkward experiences. I have tried to listen to my heart and spirit during these moments, to help direct me to the next steps, and thus far, that listening has led to progress.
So, let's think back to some key 'come to Jesus moments'. A recent one was the way I was surfing online sites and contacting guys. Once I began to actually read their profiles and contact them with questions, and genuine interest.... (imagine that), I got more responses. Another huge insight that I learned when I came out of the closet, and was experimenting with hookups... I came to a stark realization that fantasies and realities rarely match up in hook up situations, if at all. I was naive to think otherwise, but hell, it was new for me, now I know. I still fall into that trap, though.. especially with online communications. It is so easy to 'fill in the blanks' for a guy using our own fantasies of how we would like the ideal guy to act. I even catch myself assuming somebody should act a certain way, simply because that is way that I act in that situation. Shit. All these lessons. Maybe one of these days I can put these together successfully, while at the same time, rolling with the punches.
The next insight to put on my list happened this week, I cannot necessarily take credit for... was the feedback from various interactions from online folks, as well as a close friend.. is that my eagerness and enthusiasm could be misconstrued as maybe being desperate, or coming across too strongly, which is a turn off to the other person. I cannot count how many fucking times I did this in previous relationships with women... it's one of my blind spots, and I had no idea that it would negatively impact. I guess this, in addition to people pleasing, is not the best combination in the world.
I realize that I need to take on a bit more detachment, probably for my own self-preservation, as well as respect for the other person's space. This goes beyond just my dating.. it applies also to my academic work. I put my passion into everything I do, and with that, my emotions, my strengths, my weaknesses, my expectations, and my hopes. That is a lot of shove onto a research project, a collaboration.... a relationship, or a friendship. And, although this intensity I mostly internalize...... it manifests itself in my insecurity toward others, my ability to trust, my inability to let go, my need to control. It's fucking a pain in the ass, and the last thing I want to do is turn people off to the true person I am, just because I'm insecure, wanting love, acceptance, and all of that.
I'm sitting here almost shocked at myself about these floods of insights and connections I am making about myself, seeming to just jump onto the page. But the real issue now, is how to cope, and what are the next steps I can do to improve my life, and decrease the negative effects of my personality/behavior challenges on my own quality of life, as well as others? I'm either way overthinking these things, or I have actually hit the jackpot with respect to acknowledging some of my issues, or a combination of the two.
One thing I'm thinking about doing, as to the suggestion of a fellow blogger, is to take a break from online dating scene. This is great advice, and I know that is what I need to do. Clearly the fact that I'm hesitant to do that indicates that I have a bit of a control/loneliness/neediness issue... at least with respect to thinking I need to find a boyfriend or be in a relationship. This 'guy chase' mentality has taken over a part of my life which is starting to have negative impacts on other parts. That means it's fucking time to change things up, and prevent further self-victimization, self-loathing shit. It's time for a new day.
I'm going to start today.
I think back to the journey of my coming out, and the victories which have grown out of struggles. I have had many 'phoenix rising' moments, born directly out of struggles, painful, and awkward experiences. I have tried to listen to my heart and spirit during these moments, to help direct me to the next steps, and thus far, that listening has led to progress.
So, let's think back to some key 'come to Jesus moments'. A recent one was the way I was surfing online sites and contacting guys. Once I began to actually read their profiles and contact them with questions, and genuine interest.... (imagine that), I got more responses. Another huge insight that I learned when I came out of the closet, and was experimenting with hookups... I came to a stark realization that fantasies and realities rarely match up in hook up situations, if at all. I was naive to think otherwise, but hell, it was new for me, now I know. I still fall into that trap, though.. especially with online communications. It is so easy to 'fill in the blanks' for a guy using our own fantasies of how we would like the ideal guy to act. I even catch myself assuming somebody should act a certain way, simply because that is way that I act in that situation. Shit. All these lessons. Maybe one of these days I can put these together successfully, while at the same time, rolling with the punches.
The next insight to put on my list happened this week, I cannot necessarily take credit for... was the feedback from various interactions from online folks, as well as a close friend.. is that my eagerness and enthusiasm could be misconstrued as maybe being desperate, or coming across too strongly, which is a turn off to the other person. I cannot count how many fucking times I did this in previous relationships with women... it's one of my blind spots, and I had no idea that it would negatively impact. I guess this, in addition to people pleasing, is not the best combination in the world.
I realize that I need to take on a bit more detachment, probably for my own self-preservation, as well as respect for the other person's space. This goes beyond just my dating.. it applies also to my academic work. I put my passion into everything I do, and with that, my emotions, my strengths, my weaknesses, my expectations, and my hopes. That is a lot of shove onto a research project, a collaboration.... a relationship, or a friendship. And, although this intensity I mostly internalize...... it manifests itself in my insecurity toward others, my ability to trust, my inability to let go, my need to control. It's fucking a pain in the ass, and the last thing I want to do is turn people off to the true person I am, just because I'm insecure, wanting love, acceptance, and all of that.
I'm sitting here almost shocked at myself about these floods of insights and connections I am making about myself, seeming to just jump onto the page. But the real issue now, is how to cope, and what are the next steps I can do to improve my life, and decrease the negative effects of my personality/behavior challenges on my own quality of life, as well as others? I'm either way overthinking these things, or I have actually hit the jackpot with respect to acknowledging some of my issues, or a combination of the two.
One thing I'm thinking about doing, as to the suggestion of a fellow blogger, is to take a break from online dating scene. This is great advice, and I know that is what I need to do. Clearly the fact that I'm hesitant to do that indicates that I have a bit of a control/loneliness/neediness issue... at least with respect to thinking I need to find a boyfriend or be in a relationship. This 'guy chase' mentality has taken over a part of my life which is starting to have negative impacts on other parts. That means it's fucking time to change things up, and prevent further self-victimization, self-loathing shit. It's time for a new day.
I'm going to start today.
An Objective Re-Evaluation
This has been quite a week of activity leading to stressful emotions for me..... grandmom had to go to the hospital; I underestimated the time it would take to write lectures that were due and had to do a bit of cramming, so I wore myself out; I had a date with a guy I have a crush on, and my hopes kinda made my head spin; I am getting good insights and advice from folks on my blog as well as those I correspond with online about the importance of being happy being single, or I will exude some type of desperation, neediness, and loneliness. Fuck,
This is making me re-evaluate things a bit. I mean, I consider myself a gregarious, compassion, outgoing, extraverted person. Ask my wide circle of friends.. But, I also have this other side of me which has been glaringly obvious to me this week... to me, and obviously to others.. that kinda makes me nervous, and wonders whether I truly know who I am, or how I interact with others.
I'm not sure the root of the problem, or how to resolve it. I think I just need to start filling my life with hobbies again. For example, I had a dream last night that I got involved again in my ballroom dancing. That was such a great hobby that led to so much happiness, fulfillment, challenge, friendships, and fellowship. I love the combination of music, dancing, conversation, letting go.. and just having fun.
Fuck, I get so immersed in work obligations, that I get lost in my head; which is a big part of the problem. I lose sight of my own needs, what makes me happy.... Once I figure that out, things could improve dramatically in my personal life.
Oddly, despite all of this, I have met a few more guys on line...like, in a non-hook up kind of way, where they're interested in going out for a beer. This is all good; I just need do detach myself, chill out and bit, and have fun with the dates.
Yes, I think that is what is so strange. I am so worried about finding a BF, and I can't even enjoy the moment of a date, and I keep thinking forward and ahead to 'relationship'. I think people can sniff that out from a mile away.
I hope that I can reconcile myself soon; and I hope that my friend wants to go out on a second date. the ball is in his court, and I will gladly keep it there for now... ....because all of these insights from the past few days have taught me to take a step back and not take this all so fucking seriously.
Yes: 2 primary qualities about myself: 1) I have a tendency to be very tightly 'wound' and 2) I am a people pleaser. Those two in combination, when I'm stressed, feeling needy: is a total disaster waiting to happen. God help me. I'm glad I have identified some things to work on now :)
thanks, all for your comments. will help me get onto a new tack, and I hope life will start improving now :)
This is making me re-evaluate things a bit. I mean, I consider myself a gregarious, compassion, outgoing, extraverted person. Ask my wide circle of friends.. But, I also have this other side of me which has been glaringly obvious to me this week... to me, and obviously to others.. that kinda makes me nervous, and wonders whether I truly know who I am, or how I interact with others.
I'm not sure the root of the problem, or how to resolve it. I think I just need to start filling my life with hobbies again. For example, I had a dream last night that I got involved again in my ballroom dancing. That was such a great hobby that led to so much happiness, fulfillment, challenge, friendships, and fellowship. I love the combination of music, dancing, conversation, letting go.. and just having fun.
Fuck, I get so immersed in work obligations, that I get lost in my head; which is a big part of the problem. I lose sight of my own needs, what makes me happy.... Once I figure that out, things could improve dramatically in my personal life.
Oddly, despite all of this, I have met a few more guys on line...like, in a non-hook up kind of way, where they're interested in going out for a beer. This is all good; I just need do detach myself, chill out and bit, and have fun with the dates.
Yes, I think that is what is so strange. I am so worried about finding a BF, and I can't even enjoy the moment of a date, and I keep thinking forward and ahead to 'relationship'. I think people can sniff that out from a mile away.
I hope that I can reconcile myself soon; and I hope that my friend wants to go out on a second date. the ball is in his court, and I will gladly keep it there for now... ....because all of these insights from the past few days have taught me to take a step back and not take this all so fucking seriously.
Yes: 2 primary qualities about myself: 1) I have a tendency to be very tightly 'wound' and 2) I am a people pleaser. Those two in combination, when I'm stressed, feeling needy: is a total disaster waiting to happen. God help me. I'm glad I have identified some things to work on now :)
thanks, all for your comments. will help me get onto a new tack, and I hope life will start improving now :)
Friday, October 28, 2011
Note to Self
Bring the last few blog entries to my therapist next week. I'll get my money's worth out of the discussion, without a doubt. Perhaps I'll come out ahead this time :)
Re-Evaluating, Re-Grouping = Overanalysis or Useful Self-Reflection? LOL. Jesus. I need a chill pill.
I woke up this morning with insights that jolted me out of my ridiculous, immature self-pitying about chasing guys and waiting for dates...Actually, what happened was I woke up with an irritation about a colleague of mine, who appears to be very non-comittal to teaching in my elective, despite my working for their course overtime. Part of this issue is definitely ME.. where I'm *expecting* things in return, which causes me to get mad at the other person without reason, any information, and I end up creating these stories in my mind that ends up making me feel irritated, mad, and like I'm being the victim.
It's ridiculous, selfish, and self-defeatist. These insights jolted me into thinking: I can't believe that I let external events/people control my emotions; I end up internalizing, and taking the blame, and getting mad..... without being patient, doing further inquiries about the situation. I end up getting mad, feeling sorry for myself, and end up with my 'panties in a wad' for lack of better term.
With this insight, I got angry at myself, but also, I started to treat myself with a bit more respect, and realize that I should surround myself with people who do care about me, and if I do sense that I am not getting something in return, to try not to judge the other person, and try not to blame myself. Interesting. When I am disappointed in not having my expectations met, I go 2 paths: 1) I get frustrated at the other person and want to blame them (if I know them well); or 2) I blame myself and play the victim. Then I turn all passive-aggressive like, and my brain gets fried.
Of course, all of this is happening during a week when I'm in HIGH gear at work with lots of deadlines and stress, and my own self-imposed expectations, which is not making things any easier. I keep writing in my journal as a way to let off steam, which is actually helping tremendously.
I'm feeling vulnerable now. Honestly, I feel vulnerable, with these naked emotions.....Am I just over-perceptive? Why am I always seeming to have to readjust my expectations, my emotions... and re-evaluate and re-group? Is this just part of life?
It's ridiculous, selfish, and self-defeatist. These insights jolted me into thinking: I can't believe that I let external events/people control my emotions; I end up internalizing, and taking the blame, and getting mad..... without being patient, doing further inquiries about the situation. I end up getting mad, feeling sorry for myself, and end up with my 'panties in a wad' for lack of better term.
With this insight, I got angry at myself, but also, I started to treat myself with a bit more respect, and realize that I should surround myself with people who do care about me, and if I do sense that I am not getting something in return, to try not to judge the other person, and try not to blame myself. Interesting. When I am disappointed in not having my expectations met, I go 2 paths: 1) I get frustrated at the other person and want to blame them (if I know them well); or 2) I blame myself and play the victim. Then I turn all passive-aggressive like, and my brain gets fried.
Of course, all of this is happening during a week when I'm in HIGH gear at work with lots of deadlines and stress, and my own self-imposed expectations, which is not making things any easier. I keep writing in my journal as a way to let off steam, which is actually helping tremendously.
I'm feeling vulnerable now. Honestly, I feel vulnerable, with these naked emotions.....Am I just over-perceptive? Why am I always seeming to have to readjust my expectations, my emotions... and re-evaluate and re-group? Is this just part of life?
Thursday, October 27, 2011
No Answers
so tonight I took the night off, watched some TV, disconnected from online dating sites, listened to music,,, i also cried quite a bit too... perhaps an emotional release of some tension; also some relief that I've identified some new issues. i'm scared that these cycles I am in are partially due to anxiety/depression; i've been given some advice as well that the roots of some of this anxiety, insecurity, angst.. may be because I have not reached my full potential of loving myself quite yet. Interesting insight from a fellow blogger. I never really thought of it this way. I mean, I do feel grateful that I have come so far in three years... come out of the closet, changed careers to something very fulfilling, starting to build a community of friends in my new city... so I have a lot of potential to get to a better place.
But, yes.. it's like I have this constant itch I scratch about trying to find intimacy.. a boyfriend... a relationship... and when I try too hard, it blows up in my face. Also, when I do try, it comes off not so good to other guys, and potentially turns them off. The thought of that just makes me feel repulsed with myself, that my enthusiasm for being with a guy would come off as desperate or needy. Seriously? Now I'm starting to doubt my own character, and my confidence. This is so fucked up. How can I go from a crush on a guy to a total self-destructive worry wart within 5 days? this makes no sense to me at all. it's gotta be chemical imbalance or something? Maybe the 'something missing' is not a relationship, but something else, that I can't quite find, or know how to find. This is hard. How can I like my hobbies, my surroundings, my career, but not really be at peace with myself? Why the restlessness, and how can I make it stop?
But, yes.. it's like I have this constant itch I scratch about trying to find intimacy.. a boyfriend... a relationship... and when I try too hard, it blows up in my face. Also, when I do try, it comes off not so good to other guys, and potentially turns them off. The thought of that just makes me feel repulsed with myself, that my enthusiasm for being with a guy would come off as desperate or needy. Seriously? Now I'm starting to doubt my own character, and my confidence. This is so fucked up. How can I go from a crush on a guy to a total self-destructive worry wart within 5 days? this makes no sense to me at all. it's gotta be chemical imbalance or something? Maybe the 'something missing' is not a relationship, but something else, that I can't quite find, or know how to find. This is hard. How can I like my hobbies, my surroundings, my career, but not really be at peace with myself? Why the restlessness, and how can I make it stop?
Will My Vulnerabilities Lead to Rejections?
I'm not learning...... I keep making the same mistakes.... I keep giving into my negative emotions, my temptations, and I end up beating myself up over it, which just makes everything worse. I feel circular thoughts that go into panic, because I am worried about whether I'm doing something wrong, whether it is me. I get frustrated b/c I find myself back into a cycle which I tried to avoid in the first place, a cycle of emotions which is triggered by crushes on guys, expectations that end up leading to disappointment... basically, situations where I cannot remain 'stable' becuase my emotions get affected by my external environment. makes me feel like I'm needy; which then makes me feel vulnerable, as if these idiosyncracies are exuding from me in such an obvious way, that I end up scaring guys away. Why do I say this? I say this because of lack of patience, which can come across on email like I'm putting pressure on somebody or a situation, when really... maybe I'm not wanting to? but I am, inevitably? comes across that way... where I can't just wait and let something develop. It's hard for me. I don't know what else to do about it. How do I work on the skill of 'patience'? it's so ambiguous; so annoying; so unproductive. But I need to see it from the other person's perspective: if I had somebody breatheing down my neck, not giving me a chance to respond an initiate, then imbalance would occur from the very beginning. I'm already afraid I've fucked up. Just by appearing eager and potentially impatient, I think I may have just screwed my chances with this guy. I'm really purposefully making an effort to NOT contact him.... the point has been made.. i told him I like him, and want to go out with him again; so maybe I should just rest assured that the ball is in his court.
Meanwhile, I'm obsessing about this stuff when I really should be cramming for lectures, and I just go really behind last month, and all my deadlines are suddenly upon me. These strressors are all coming in at once, and the way to deal with them: coping with this takes mental power, patience, and trust; which is totally what i am LACKING right now, for some reason. I feel like I need to be methodical, instead of just rolling with it, and jumping right in, and going with my intuition. makes me feel frozen when I feel like I run out of time, and my original plans do not go through. Powerless. Cannot meet expectations. Feel frustrated.
Then, I think of the rejection..... really having a crush on a guy, then, when it is not returned, it feels like a punch in the face. I wish I could just roll with things and let them develop. What types of strategies? well, my first strategy was to try to find other guys as a distraction, so I went on a hunt... for hookups... which inevitably brought me into the CL cycle (but this time on A4A), and led me into some self-revolting situations, where I ended up taking a anti-panic pill just to calm my nerves the rest of the day.
Fuck. I feel like I have mental issues. This is crazy. I feel like this is a very unattractive part of me, that I don't know what to do about, and that it would make somebody not want to date me... all of these idiosyncracies that make me who I am... enthusaistic with a bit of impatience, a bit neurotic, creative, ups and downs, emotional.. .. would somebody want to date me because of those? Why am I suddenly feeling like I am unwanted?
Meanwhile, I'm obsessing about this stuff when I really should be cramming for lectures, and I just go really behind last month, and all my deadlines are suddenly upon me. These strressors are all coming in at once, and the way to deal with them: coping with this takes mental power, patience, and trust; which is totally what i am LACKING right now, for some reason. I feel like I need to be methodical, instead of just rolling with it, and jumping right in, and going with my intuition. makes me feel frozen when I feel like I run out of time, and my original plans do not go through. Powerless. Cannot meet expectations. Feel frustrated.
Then, I think of the rejection..... really having a crush on a guy, then, when it is not returned, it feels like a punch in the face. I wish I could just roll with things and let them develop. What types of strategies? well, my first strategy was to try to find other guys as a distraction, so I went on a hunt... for hookups... which inevitably brought me into the CL cycle (but this time on A4A), and led me into some self-revolting situations, where I ended up taking a anti-panic pill just to calm my nerves the rest of the day.
Fuck. I feel like I have mental issues. This is crazy. I feel like this is a very unattractive part of me, that I don't know what to do about, and that it would make somebody not want to date me... all of these idiosyncracies that make me who I am... enthusaistic with a bit of impatience, a bit neurotic, creative, ups and downs, emotional.. .. would somebody want to date me because of those? Why am I suddenly feeling like I am unwanted?
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Deceptive Hopes and Grains of Salt
Where does the phrase 'take it with a grain of salt' originate? It's odd, but is relevant right now. It's a tough skill set for me.. taking things with a grain of salt... Maybe I'm even saying the phrase incorrectly. LOL. Anyhow, the online world is odd, and at this point, it's just par for the course when guys just drop out of sight; end their accounts and vanish. Also, it gets depressing when I pretty much have gone through all the guys on there, then I catch myself getting sad again.... it's the trap.......... now, the one guy that I have exchanged emails with back in forth; I have put my hopes into, and probably too much so. how do i not get my hopes up? how to have high hopes and low expectations?
I think I'm about to go into a dry spell again......it's so frustrating. First, I had 2 guys with whom I was corresponding; 1 completely disappeared; the other has dropped off a bit in writing; and I have these negative thoughts that the guy that i'm speaking with online has lots of options, and is getting all the emails from many other dudes, and i'm the struggling guy with not many people to hang my hat onto. I put too much stock and hope into these situations, which just ends up killing my hope if things don't work out. It's a ridiculous cycle,, which, if I'm not careful or mindful, tempts me back into the hookup train....
So, I need to remind myself over and over and over again: the other options for IN PERSON gatherings, including the monthly HRC happy hours; the monthly Bistro 303 happy hours; and my ongoing networking in the community with both straight and gay friends. One of these days.... one of these days... I really should try to concentrate on the positive and not get into my negative cycle.
And, I realize that my negative thoughts are exacerbated when I'm tired, and worn out.. So... the lesson here: hang tight, and take stock of the blessings in my life, and keep on exploring and making lemonade out of lemons.
I think I'm about to go into a dry spell again......it's so frustrating. First, I had 2 guys with whom I was corresponding; 1 completely disappeared; the other has dropped off a bit in writing; and I have these negative thoughts that the guy that i'm speaking with online has lots of options, and is getting all the emails from many other dudes, and i'm the struggling guy with not many people to hang my hat onto. I put too much stock and hope into these situations, which just ends up killing my hope if things don't work out. It's a ridiculous cycle,, which, if I'm not careful or mindful, tempts me back into the hookup train....
So, I need to remind myself over and over and over again: the other options for IN PERSON gatherings, including the monthly HRC happy hours; the monthly Bistro 303 happy hours; and my ongoing networking in the community with both straight and gay friends. One of these days.... one of these days... I really should try to concentrate on the positive and not get into my negative cycle.
And, I realize that my negative thoughts are exacerbated when I'm tired, and worn out.. So... the lesson here: hang tight, and take stock of the blessings in my life, and keep on exploring and making lemonade out of lemons.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
WTF??!!
what is UP with this? Backwards and odd. the male dating and hookup scene online is so weird. How is it that my R-rated photo gets attention, which then prompts a conversation, which then helps really bring out in people that they want to get to know somebody first, and maybe go on a date.. Strange.. strange... strange... I mean, I just met two guys online today, who want to actually go on a date, and not just hookup, even though the photos posted from either of us would suggest otherwise.
wow. this world is so fucking confusing.
wow. this world is so fucking confusing.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Nakedness
Nakedness. I want to talk more about this. LOL. I'm not sure whether I did this more as an experiment, or half wanted to hookup, but another site online that is maybe a few steps above CL, and includes people that want to hookup as well as those looking for a regular relationship, allows people to post anything.. including nakedness. Well, i created an alternative profile... anonymous... and placed, lets say, an NC-17 version pic because, OK. i admit,, maybe I wanted to hook-up.
This is the game that some gays play... ...
Well shit. flooded email box one day later.
Crazy. 99% of them of emailed me looked completely crazy. They were all naked too. :) Haaa. Some were gross; some were punk-ass; some were hot; but all were weird. 1 guy looked like a decent man, he actually had clothes on.
But I had this acute awareness, though.. a few of the guys who did email me, did not share the. Ahem..... same NC-17 version photos, but more, PG or even G rated photos. When I emailed one of the guys, in earnest, saying 'hey man, would be cool to get to know you'; it hit me that I had just walked up naked to a guy, and asked him out. How could he take me seriously if I was naked?
Another insight from the world of internet dating / hookups.
This is the game that some gays play... ...
Well shit. flooded email box one day later.
Crazy. 99% of them of emailed me looked completely crazy. They were all naked too. :) Haaa. Some were gross; some were punk-ass; some were hot; but all were weird. 1 guy looked like a decent man, he actually had clothes on.
But I had this acute awareness, though.. a few of the guys who did email me, did not share the. Ahem..... same NC-17 version photos, but more, PG or even G rated photos. When I emailed one of the guys, in earnest, saying 'hey man, would be cool to get to know you'; it hit me that I had just walked up naked to a guy, and asked him out. How could he take me seriously if I was naked?
Another insight from the world of internet dating / hookups.
I Sent Her To More Than Just A Cardiologist.....
haahaa. so, all in one night, I man-crushed on a straight guy, I came out to a college friend over email, and I got a returned email from a very cool and handsome looking guy who I've been corresponding with over email. Not bad, eh?
One of the strange things about last night.. I went to a fundraiser happy hour, and totally noticed that the gay dudes were segregating themselves in a corner, while I was having a great time just chatting with the straight guys... the place where I felt much more comfortable. It was a strange feeling, knowing that 'my kind' was over in the corner......... One of the guys I recognized from online dating site, and noted how outdated his photo was. LOL. One of the guys was actually pretty cute.
One of the other odd things about last night was coming out to the friend over email.. which i was totally not expecting. Being buzzed probably did not help, but .... I was still following by 'Don't Tell Unless Asked' policy,, and the question was ' so, are you having fun with the ladies and breaking their hearts, sending them to the cardiologist?" Loved it! It was such a shoe-in question. I said in a jovial, conversational, off the cuff manner... 'Well, I have had my share of girlfriends in the past few years, but I think instead of sending them to the cardiologist, i sent my last one to the psychiatrist'... and then said that I came out 3 years ago.
Part of me feels 'naked' after coming out.. unexpectedly. Feeling like I revealed too much; feeling bad that the other person will feel awkward and not know what to think. Is it fair to come out over email to somebody you haven't seen in years? Well, if you won't see that person in years anyhow, maybe it is the appropriate thing, We are in the internet age now, right?
My man crush on the gay man (much more productive than my man crush on a straight man) is proceeding well, as he globetrots around the Asia recruiting for a university, we exchange emails every week or so, and I look forward to his updates. I just admit,, I have become so jaded about this online dating, given that so few people have accountability lately, that I figured that his not writing back was just a sign that he was not interested. It's nice to have these surprises, and keeps the hope alive.
Go Gays!
One of the strange things about last night.. I went to a fundraiser happy hour, and totally noticed that the gay dudes were segregating themselves in a corner, while I was having a great time just chatting with the straight guys... the place where I felt much more comfortable. It was a strange feeling, knowing that 'my kind' was over in the corner......... One of the guys I recognized from online dating site, and noted how outdated his photo was. LOL. One of the guys was actually pretty cute.
One of the other odd things about last night was coming out to the friend over email.. which i was totally not expecting. Being buzzed probably did not help, but .... I was still following by 'Don't Tell Unless Asked' policy,, and the question was ' so, are you having fun with the ladies and breaking their hearts, sending them to the cardiologist?" Loved it! It was such a shoe-in question. I said in a jovial, conversational, off the cuff manner... 'Well, I have had my share of girlfriends in the past few years, but I think instead of sending them to the cardiologist, i sent my last one to the psychiatrist'... and then said that I came out 3 years ago.
Part of me feels 'naked' after coming out.. unexpectedly. Feeling like I revealed too much; feeling bad that the other person will feel awkward and not know what to think. Is it fair to come out over email to somebody you haven't seen in years? Well, if you won't see that person in years anyhow, maybe it is the appropriate thing, We are in the internet age now, right?
My man crush on the gay man (much more productive than my man crush on a straight man) is proceeding well, as he globetrots around the Asia recruiting for a university, we exchange emails every week or so, and I look forward to his updates. I just admit,, I have become so jaded about this online dating, given that so few people have accountability lately, that I figured that his not writing back was just a sign that he was not interested. It's nice to have these surprises, and keeps the hope alive.
Go Gays!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Where is my slice of the pie?
When will I ever learn, and when will I just stop setting myself up for these failures and stupidities? I feel weak, that I can't go a week without my meds, without slumping down into my bad habits, self-deprecation, and doldrums... fuck, of course the triggers are well known: this obsessive need to be connected with a man, and intimacy... misdirected to hookups gone awry, which sets me into a tailspin, and here we are again. Fuck.
I'm just going to resign myself to the fact that I have mental health issues, and that NOT taking the meds can bring me into dangerous territory, which then has negative externalities on the rest of my life. getting up too late, getting my day started too slowly, allowing the negativeity of my relationship obsession take over the rest of my awareness for the entire morning, stealing my attention away from the things that really do matter.
Fuck it. I'll take the meds permanently. Screw the pipedream that said I would not need them. It's more than just the sexuality, I think I do have tendency for manic/depression, even however so minor... triggered by obsessive thoughts. It fucking tires me out. My brain keeps going and going and going when I'm in Negative Land, and doesn't let me stop, and soon my whole outlook on my life starts to quickly dim. Not healthy.
I want a break from all of this. I want to just be happy.... a contentment type of happy.. that I see of couples with families, kids, etc.. Where is my slice of the pie? What can I do to improve my situation?
I'm just going to resign myself to the fact that I have mental health issues, and that NOT taking the meds can bring me into dangerous territory, which then has negative externalities on the rest of my life. getting up too late, getting my day started too slowly, allowing the negativeity of my relationship obsession take over the rest of my awareness for the entire morning, stealing my attention away from the things that really do matter.
Fuck it. I'll take the meds permanently. Screw the pipedream that said I would not need them. It's more than just the sexuality, I think I do have tendency for manic/depression, even however so minor... triggered by obsessive thoughts. It fucking tires me out. My brain keeps going and going and going when I'm in Negative Land, and doesn't let me stop, and soon my whole outlook on my life starts to quickly dim. Not healthy.
I want a break from all of this. I want to just be happy.... a contentment type of happy.. that I see of couples with families, kids, etc.. Where is my slice of the pie? What can I do to improve my situation?
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Insights from Medications: Pre and Post
After I resigned myself to again taking a small dose of medication every other day, I can already tell a difference in my mental state. Even though I can also feel a difference in my sexual drive, only within 6 days of starting a dose that is 1/4 of what I took before.. I must say that having a quieted, non-racing mind all day may be worth the slightly less libido. A few things I have noticed... first, I'm able to take on and enjoy my hobbies, still with creativity and perseverance.. at the same time, triggers which would have last week set me into a downward spiral, seem to slide off my back, which is a great feeling of empowerment. The fear of being less creative and less focused without medications was a false prediction.... Although my creativity was in high gear, my feelings and goals were more erratic. In contrast, now I feel more focused, grounded, and relaxed.. and this is just at 10mg every other day, which ends up being thus far a nice balanced dose. So despite my pride of being off medications, I realize that this past summer, with no medications, my emotions were more erratic, I fell back into bad habits again, and my emotions were more prone to be affected by my environment. Now, although I could most likely survive without the medications, it comes with a price: it takes much more energy and behavioral change to stave off the anxiety and depression. With the medications, it becomes almost effortless, and as a result, can focus my energies on career, relationships, success, and quality of life.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Back to Myself
I have had a much better week.... coming back from vacation, I was able to get back into the swing of my job, turn in a grant, and reconnect with colleagues. I must say that despite my perceived slump of my dating / personal life, I feel extremely fortunate to be so passionate about my career. When I speak to new people I meet about my research and teaching experiences, I light up. This is truly a good sign, compared to prior experiences when asked about my research analyst job, I was much less animated.
I'm not quite sure why my levels of hope are elevated now compared to last week... perhaps because I have begun to correspond with a handsome and intelligent guy on okcupid.com, or maybe because I finally have my energy back after a crazy busy 4 weeks of lecture prep, grants, and vacation; or maybe because I have decided it's OK to take small doses of my medications again... These combined together has led to a good recovery.... and even better, has led to sense of hope again, which I perceived as being completely lost just about 4 days ago.
I sit here with my morning coffee, and my plans for the day, and have no qualms or complaints. Not a bad way to begin my weekend: in peace, solitude, and a sense of hope.
I'm not quite sure why my levels of hope are elevated now compared to last week... perhaps because I have begun to correspond with a handsome and intelligent guy on okcupid.com, or maybe because I finally have my energy back after a crazy busy 4 weeks of lecture prep, grants, and vacation; or maybe because I have decided it's OK to take small doses of my medications again... These combined together has led to a good recovery.... and even better, has led to sense of hope again, which I perceived as being completely lost just about 4 days ago.
I sit here with my morning coffee, and my plans for the day, and have no qualms or complaints. Not a bad way to begin my weekend: in peace, solitude, and a sense of hope.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Back to Working Through Problems
fuck i feel like an exhauhsted, worn out idiot with no control over my emotions. Fuck. what am I doing and how did i get into this state of mind? I honestly do not know. my mind is completely overwhelmed and fried right now, to the point where I cannot even chill out.... it's like a permanent headache.... which is overstimulated with worries, fantasies, anxieties, and overindulgence. fuck. fuck. fuck. i'm isolated, worn out, alone, no energy, no control, just in a state of disarray and confusion with how and why i got into this depression episode. how did it build up to this? what happened? how could I have prevented this? how do i get out of this funk and know that happiness is still around the coirner? first, i found out that the guy i had a crush on is married, so at least i can put him out of my head. but i'm worried about how such small things are blown out of proportion. was it a combination of exhaustion from work, leading into a stressful first part of the trip, and finally when i get to a point of relaxing, i get depressed instead? if i were on my meds would none of this have happened? '
right now, i feel like i'm screaming for attention, love, intimacy, that all these sirens are going off that I realize that I have to deal with these issues which are causing self-destructive behavior. would being on the meds prevent this self-descrutive cycle, which can be triggered by being really tired and exhausted? would the meds help prevent me from getting to that state of exhaustion? hence help me with boundaries? it seems like right now that my mind ramps up with no boundaries, and i just let myself wear out, upon which i crash. if i were on the meds again, maybe i would prevent the ramping up, which would again, prevent crashes. i don't know. i'm depressed that i have to go back on the meds again, b/c feels like i'm a bit defeated; that i can't do this on my own... but maybe this is a very important sign; that i had to go through all of this shit this weekend to realize that meds could prevent self-destruction, and help me get through what seems to be impossible hopeless situations,, when maybe that is just a perception that is exaggerated by the chemical imbalance.
i cannot afford to have these setbacks in academia, b/c my productivity relies upon my sound mental health. if i don't snap out of this by Tuesday, when I need to pretty much finish my grant... i'm gonna have some serious problems. i honestly had a couple of anxiety attacks and crying spells that i haven't had in months. i need to work on this again.. in a serious way .
right now, i feel like i'm screaming for attention, love, intimacy, that all these sirens are going off that I realize that I have to deal with these issues which are causing self-destructive behavior. would being on the meds prevent this self-descrutive cycle, which can be triggered by being really tired and exhausted? would the meds help prevent me from getting to that state of exhaustion? hence help me with boundaries? it seems like right now that my mind ramps up with no boundaries, and i just let myself wear out, upon which i crash. if i were on the meds again, maybe i would prevent the ramping up, which would again, prevent crashes. i don't know. i'm depressed that i have to go back on the meds again, b/c feels like i'm a bit defeated; that i can't do this on my own... but maybe this is a very important sign; that i had to go through all of this shit this weekend to realize that meds could prevent self-destruction, and help me get through what seems to be impossible hopeless situations,, when maybe that is just a perception that is exaggerated by the chemical imbalance.
i cannot afford to have these setbacks in academia, b/c my productivity relies upon my sound mental health. if i don't snap out of this by Tuesday, when I need to pretty much finish my grant... i'm gonna have some serious problems. i honestly had a couple of anxiety attacks and crying spells that i haven't had in months. i need to work on this again.. in a serious way .
Evasion
Cannot find that peaceful spot,
A yearning for something deeper creates a sorrow
Sorrow, not tears.
But sorrow and contemplation
A feeling of disallusionment
Squelched only by returning back,
After retreat, back to urbane normalcy.
Fantasies floating before me
Yet not realized
How to build a fruitful reality
The foundation of hope
Evades me
A yearning for something deeper creates a sorrow
Sorrow, not tears.
But sorrow and contemplation
A feeling of disallusionment
Squelched only by returning back,
After retreat, back to urbane normalcy.
Fantasies floating before me
Yet not realized
How to build a fruitful reality
The foundation of hope
Evades me
Re-visiting Emotional Turbulence
My emotional states as of late have been turbulent and unpredictable, begun by self-imposed fantasies or over-reacted rejections, that through a seemingly false hope, a melancholic mood sets in, without avail. Of course, when this happens during a vacation, when I am supposed to be enjoying myself, it is of the utmost frustration, because I begin thinking about 1) whether these 'mood streams' constantly exist, and I am just covering them up with being busy with my job; 2) whether I need start taking my anti-depressants again ;3) wondering how I can soothe my mind during these times of solitude so as to not drive myself insane about my predicaments of being a single gay man seemingly facing obstacles after obstacles in trying to meet quality men with whom I feel comfortable.
Which leads me to speak of my own ideal man.... somebody who would enjoy taking adventures to Maine, or Seattle, somebody who would feel comfortable raising a family together; somebody who values family; who wants to build a life together; feel connected to life in a very real way.
Perhaps some of the pain I am feeling now is a result of my searching for that deep peace and foundation, which I find it difficult to find as a single man, especially as an extrovert who needs energy. The very real Adonis moments of this past weekend speak to my own truths through these momentary tastes or brushes with fantasies taking place within real time.. It is good because these incidents force me to be acutely aware of sexuality, a confirmation as well as an affirmation. But, at the same time, these incidents remind me how distant I feel currently from the reality I am trying to create, and the uncertainty of when my life will unfold into a more fulfilling existence.
I look around during my reunion this weekend, and notice a sense of peace and serenity of the faces of many. I also notice a sense of joy on my own face, a joy noticed and recognized and acknowledged by others. But simultaneously, I feel the juxtaposition of melancholic restlessness and subtle sorrow, which are not strong enough to lead to tears, but are not weak enough to be sloughed off with the brush of a hand. It leads me to tough position, wondering how can I maintain my mental health with both these co-existing emotions, emotions supposedly caused by my inability to find peace and contentment within my own solitude?
I cannot shake this sometimes, and I wonder why my spirit is so acutely affected by triggers..... and saddens me to think that I need to go back to medications to assist my mental health balance. Although I do enjoy my emotional highs, my mid-ranges and lows leave a lot to be desired, and also leave me exhausted.
I am not sure what to do. One foot in front of the other.... continuing.... down this path..
Which leads me to speak of my own ideal man.... somebody who would enjoy taking adventures to Maine, or Seattle, somebody who would feel comfortable raising a family together; somebody who values family; who wants to build a life together; feel connected to life in a very real way.
Perhaps some of the pain I am feeling now is a result of my searching for that deep peace and foundation, which I find it difficult to find as a single man, especially as an extrovert who needs energy. The very real Adonis moments of this past weekend speak to my own truths through these momentary tastes or brushes with fantasies taking place within real time.. It is good because these incidents force me to be acutely aware of sexuality, a confirmation as well as an affirmation. But, at the same time, these incidents remind me how distant I feel currently from the reality I am trying to create, and the uncertainty of when my life will unfold into a more fulfilling existence.
I look around during my reunion this weekend, and notice a sense of peace and serenity of the faces of many. I also notice a sense of joy on my own face, a joy noticed and recognized and acknowledged by others. But simultaneously, I feel the juxtaposition of melancholic restlessness and subtle sorrow, which are not strong enough to lead to tears, but are not weak enough to be sloughed off with the brush of a hand. It leads me to tough position, wondering how can I maintain my mental health with both these co-existing emotions, emotions supposedly caused by my inability to find peace and contentment within my own solitude?
I cannot shake this sometimes, and I wonder why my spirit is so acutely affected by triggers..... and saddens me to think that I need to go back to medications to assist my mental health balance. Although I do enjoy my emotional highs, my mid-ranges and lows leave a lot to be desired, and also leave me exhausted.
I am not sure what to do. One foot in front of the other.... continuing.... down this path..
Distractions from Adonis
My mancrush anecdotes are starting to sound more and more like those I read in biographies by gay writers, speaking of their fantasies and experiences during their early coming out years. I'm conflicted as to whether I should be frustrated or rejoicing that I have these mancrush moments that seem to set me off, then crash me within the length of a day, or more, if I don't watch myself.
My latest incident begins on a ship off the coast of Maine,. a beautiful 25-year old with long black hair, sporting the surfer dude look, with a fantastic smile and wonderful, warm, and welcoming personality. I can't help but check him out as I'm mingling amongst others on the boat. He notices my looking at him a few times, and shoots a smile back to me several times, and I shyly look away.... but finally get close enough to him to introduce myself (again) and strike up a conversation. I can't help it. I think this guy is just so hot, I can't help but try to become his friend. During the van ride to our final destination, we sit next to eachother and I get to feel his torso against my shoulder, and we get to talk about a few things, my career; his career; his family; and the eye contact, with body contact was enough to make my heart race. I knew that I was getting myself into trouble, simply setting myself up for another crash, thinking about this guy, attracted in a huge way, only having known him for 10 minutes.
I think about 1 song that capture this moments. The song, by Eddie From Ohio, lyrics talk about a guy at a stoplight that looks over and sees a gorgeous woman in the car next to him; upon which he starts cooking up a fantasy life of them together, moving in, getting married, having kids... within the course of 10 minutes glancing at her from his car.
The second series of moments or interactions with my dream guy were not as hopeful, and hence, led to a crash. According to my 'stoplight fantasy' we were going to be sitting next to eachother drinking some beers around the campfire, and having more deep conversations, which would lead to deeper connections. In the real world, it played out much differently, with not even any small talk, and my awkwardness to even approach him before we departed ways. And, his departure from the dinner party with a woman was pretty much a big blow to my entire 'stoplight fantasy'.
This second series of moments reminds me of a movie that was just so striking and moving that I still remember it to this day. A married man, about my age, was on vacation with his wife and other families, during which he met the beautiful son of a friend of his, who happens to be a model. He was smokin' hot and unbelievably good looking. The married man, who had met this son years before, and perhaps had a crush on him then, is suddenly enamored with this beautiful 20-something Adonis, and he becomes so obssessed with him, that he hangs out with him alone on the beach whenever he could get away from his wife and friends. His fantasies about making love this this model were intense, intense enough to drive him to depressions and sadness when he thought he was not in reach. He would always look for the Adonis, during parties, and such, and he just ached for him, but could not have him. This acheing led to him drowning his sorry in alcohol and masterbation, to try to get this very real attraction out of his system....
One of the most intense moments was when the model was alone on the beach one night, under the full moon, taking a dip..... and the married man stumbles upon him, and they have a moment of locking eyes, and glancing at eachother's bodies, the moment was so beautifullly portrayed, I could feel the emotions in my own gut, the attractions, the empathy. The last scene of the movie, the man ends up sleeping with the Adonis, in a scene that was so unbelievably romantic, scandalous, and steamy, it just gripped me.....
So, being the hopeless romantic that I am, caught between fantasy and reality, this brief meeting of this guy this past weekend led to a whirlwind of privately held fantasies and emotions that swept me up into hope, then crashed me by the rocks. A seemingly ridiculous set of emotions that are on the one hand, self-imposed, but on the other, very difficult to rid myself of during these moments of up and down emotion.
The only thing I can do about these moments of seemingly endless wandering, pondering, and heart ache are to immerse myself into music and writing; or construct a distraction such as work, or dinners with friends, or interaction with strangers at dinner party.
My latest incident begins on a ship off the coast of Maine,. a beautiful 25-year old with long black hair, sporting the surfer dude look, with a fantastic smile and wonderful, warm, and welcoming personality. I can't help but check him out as I'm mingling amongst others on the boat. He notices my looking at him a few times, and shoots a smile back to me several times, and I shyly look away.... but finally get close enough to him to introduce myself (again) and strike up a conversation. I can't help it. I think this guy is just so hot, I can't help but try to become his friend. During the van ride to our final destination, we sit next to eachother and I get to feel his torso against my shoulder, and we get to talk about a few things, my career; his career; his family; and the eye contact, with body contact was enough to make my heart race. I knew that I was getting myself into trouble, simply setting myself up for another crash, thinking about this guy, attracted in a huge way, only having known him for 10 minutes.
I think about 1 song that capture this moments. The song, by Eddie From Ohio, lyrics talk about a guy at a stoplight that looks over and sees a gorgeous woman in the car next to him; upon which he starts cooking up a fantasy life of them together, moving in, getting married, having kids... within the course of 10 minutes glancing at her from his car.
The second series of moments or interactions with my dream guy were not as hopeful, and hence, led to a crash. According to my 'stoplight fantasy' we were going to be sitting next to eachother drinking some beers around the campfire, and having more deep conversations, which would lead to deeper connections. In the real world, it played out much differently, with not even any small talk, and my awkwardness to even approach him before we departed ways. And, his departure from the dinner party with a woman was pretty much a big blow to my entire 'stoplight fantasy'.
This second series of moments reminds me of a movie that was just so striking and moving that I still remember it to this day. A married man, about my age, was on vacation with his wife and other families, during which he met the beautiful son of a friend of his, who happens to be a model. He was smokin' hot and unbelievably good looking. The married man, who had met this son years before, and perhaps had a crush on him then, is suddenly enamored with this beautiful 20-something Adonis, and he becomes so obssessed with him, that he hangs out with him alone on the beach whenever he could get away from his wife and friends. His fantasies about making love this this model were intense, intense enough to drive him to depressions and sadness when he thought he was not in reach. He would always look for the Adonis, during parties, and such, and he just ached for him, but could not have him. This acheing led to him drowning his sorry in alcohol and masterbation, to try to get this very real attraction out of his system....
One of the most intense moments was when the model was alone on the beach one night, under the full moon, taking a dip..... and the married man stumbles upon him, and they have a moment of locking eyes, and glancing at eachother's bodies, the moment was so beautifullly portrayed, I could feel the emotions in my own gut, the attractions, the empathy. The last scene of the movie, the man ends up sleeping with the Adonis, in a scene that was so unbelievably romantic, scandalous, and steamy, it just gripped me.....
So, being the hopeless romantic that I am, caught between fantasy and reality, this brief meeting of this guy this past weekend led to a whirlwind of privately held fantasies and emotions that swept me up into hope, then crashed me by the rocks. A seemingly ridiculous set of emotions that are on the one hand, self-imposed, but on the other, very difficult to rid myself of during these moments of up and down emotion.
The only thing I can do about these moments of seemingly endless wandering, pondering, and heart ache are to immerse myself into music and writing; or construct a distraction such as work, or dinners with friends, or interaction with strangers at dinner party.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)