How Do I Live As a Spiritually and Mentally Healthy Homosexual?

I woke up this morning, in fear of a trap into which I have fallen: short-term sexual gratification.  The Yahoo Messenger has become an addiction; those men behind the user names, those words of promise and lust spoken from those faces unknown have become my false hope, rooted in fantasy and lust.  This longing has no root, no foundation, which leaves a desolate, haunting feeling in my heart. I fear it as a trap. I know it as a trap.  The computer becomes a security blanket at night, as I nestle into bed with Yahoo Messenger, with a night cap of a shot of whiskey..... i seek comfort in this pseudo-world, full of falsehoods.  I see that each man is striving for that companionship, a lust misdirected.  We use lies to protect our age, pseudonyms to protect our identity.  We speak the words of love as we are in our moments of ecstasy, only to abandon our fantasy-lovers at the final hour.  It is a weak existence.  A weak, yet tempting existence that we harbor late at night, as our temptations and lust runs deep, our animal instincts for sexual gratification heighten, most especially with the protection of anonymity.  It is true that Man sinks to these vices in response to a longing to be fulfilled. We use these as replacement for the true love we seek.  The question becomes: how do we break out of a cycle which seems so impossible? How to seek true homosexual love, which most likely begins in the "darkness", behind closed doors, from our so-called liberal society? Inherent in homosexuality is a darkness, which runs opposite of Christian tenets of belief.  We are taught to bring love into the light, turn away from darkness, live our life in celebration and in communion.  I know, from experience, that bringing love into the light, and living an open life.. is much healthier, much more fulfilling.  So, how are homosexuals in search of a healthy love supposed to work within a framework of an underground homosexual society? It evades me.

Searching Back to God

This evening before I go home to Durham, NC to bring in 2010, I feel faintly melancholy.... with shades of fear, uncertainty..... with hope sitting in the background. I would rather have hope in the foreground, with a sense of excitement.. But, really the sources for these emotions are multiple..

First, I feel a sense of restlessness. As days pass, I feel a need to contribute to something larger; and I feel the career world is so distant from me right now.

Second, I feel a sense of fear. As I was visiting a faculty member today, all the fears and insecurities haunted my spirit, immediately signalling me away from this particular setting.  Does that mean academia is not for me? What if I am barking up the wrong tree? How do I know?

Third, I feel I am not navigating this fear of sexuality; that it continues to evade me, and that I am marching down a path which, like these career explorations, may also not be my 'fit'.

So, in conclusion, my explorations and questions right now: toward job, and sexuality, are in a situation of uncertainty, lack of information. Although I feel as if I am on the edge, or touching, some potential energy that will thrust me into the path that fits me best, I feel like I do not know what questions to ask, what stones are still unturned, in order to allow me to conclude with certainty where I should and will fit.

Is that life, though? Is that I sense in my heart this very night the same fears that afflict fellow man? Fear of uncertainty; not sure of the path; not sure how to find the path; questioning one's faith? questioning one's prior convictions?

I have begun to turn back to my daily readings and meditations, as the Rock that I previously clung too, so hard, yet so effectively. In retrospect, I associate my Catholic spiritual awakenings with my previous wounds from relationships, previous wounds from my own naivite, not knowing myself.  I fear that my spiritual undertakings and discipline led me down a deceptive path; hence, I fear and throw away that path right now.

Do I dare take up the Cross again? Follow my Faith? Give up to God these ultimate struggles of uncertainty that I try to resolve myself? Where is my spiritual awakening now? I fear a stagnancy, a helpless wondering of what is next.

I surrender myself, my sorrows, my fears, to God... and hope that the path will emerge.

Fearing the Effeminate

I fear the effeminate guys. What if these dates I line up end up making me feel extremely uncomfortable? What if they are "totally gay", and I just want to run away?

Why? I should be eager that I have potentially (5?) dates lined up in the New Year? Wow, am I some kind of masculine slut? LOL. I am not sure. We'll see where this takes me, but I need to see what this journey is about. I have been too addicted and attached to an online relationship, which was satisfying and exciting for a while, but how far can that go? Not very, I must admit.

When it rains, it pours. From all my exploring and efforts, I am reaping some rewards. It should be an exciting January.... between my interviews, and going on some dates with interesting characters, I'm sure I will have stories to share.

Shadows

Barriers
Mind spins
Questioning my motives, my yearnings
Why have I delved into this world?
Is there a place for me?
A world of real, male intimacy, true brotherhood
A sexual intimacy that connects, trusts, exists
I do not know.
My mind spins
I betray myself, I betray others
I try too hard
In places hidden, in secret
Navigating a world unbeknownst to most people
Which forces one to explore the depths
of a dark soul.
How to seek light, how to seek love.
I do not know.
Answers elusive
Truth hides
In the shadows

Brotherhood

I provide these lyrics in honor of brotherly love

Oh My Brother

from I Rode Fido Home  - Eddie From Ohio

Oh, my brother
Won't you stand here beside me
We shall carry each other
And should your soul grow weary
And the strength leave your bones
Oh my brother
I will carry you home

I lost a lot of good intentions
Deep in watering eyes
Crystallized blue
There's a whole lot of fear
That kept me here
I know fear ain't nothing new to you
Fear ain't nothing new to you

White on white
Hospital eyes
Should have been there
Now I know
And singing this song's no way to say goodbye
But it's the only way I know
This is the only way I know

Chorus

And singing this song's no way to say goodbye
But it's the only way I know
This is the only way I know

Creating a Space for Sexual Intimacy

It becomes a fruitless effort, to search for potential one-night stands, dates for the purpose of sex.  It feels cheap, hollow, and depressing. It eats up time, erodes the soul, destroys hope, and perpetuates sorrow.

As I sit here this morning after a very restful sleep last night, I recognize the difference in the state of my own mind and spirit between fulfilling short term desires, and building a hopeful future.

For the short-term desires, to-do lists include surfing Craigs List, Yahoo Chat Rooms, with no goals in building friendships.  It is a selfish pursuit of sexual gratification, an addiction gone awry.

For hopeful future building, to-do lists include finding a date for sake of building a friendship, writing emails to existing friends, reading the newspaper to catch up on current events, doing chores around the house to create hospitality and warmth, planning parties, going to holiday gatherings, sharing true joy and love.

These latter tasks create a sense of peace, which may coexist with my longing for emotional and physical intimacy.  These hopeful tasks of love and fellowship I hope can fulfill that emptiness, even in the absence of sexual gratification.

Despite my virginity, I can feel and believe now that sexual intimacy properly finds its place within a trustful relationship, during which sex can be an expression of love, an extension of love to a more intimate experience of trust, pleasure, and care-giving.  To be fruitful, sexual relations ideally should be reserved as a way to express love, not as a way to simply gratify your own sexual needs.  It must be mutual, giving, and loving, in order for the sexual act to mean something, and fulfill that deep human need for love.

The Pros and Cons of Lust and Love

Lust: 
Pros: 
1) instant gratification
2) feels good

Cons:
1) cheap
2) hollow
3) addictive
4) selfish

Love: 
Pros: 
1) intimacy
2) connection
3) caring
4) growth
5) hope
6) trust

Cons: 
1) vulnerability
2) hurt feelings

I would much rather take Love over Lust, even if I have to wait forever.

How to Reconcile Homosexuality and Christianity?

I responded to a pen-pal, who is too, struggling with his sexuality as a Christian man.  These are difficult questions he asked, and I attempted to answer them drawing from my own experiences the past year. I still do not know the answers, but responding to these was therapeutic, to the point where I wanted to share with all of you my feelings on these deeper questions. 

1) What am I called to? 

2) Where should I rely on moral teaching

3) Should i develop my own moral teachings or rely upon others?

I'll try to answer them from my own experiences.  First, I still rely on moral teaching....to a degree.  For example, I do not plan on having 1 night stands, and using others for my own sexual gratification, whether male, or female.  This goes without saying.  I think many times the Church lumps all homosexual acts into the bucket of promiscuity and disrespect for others.  In my opinion, I do not think this is the case.  Homosexuals can live in communion with God. as long as they are "truly" homosexuals, and not "heterosexuals" simply hooking up for purposes of sex.  The book by John J. McNeill, called "The Church and the Homosexual" discusses, and tries to reconcile this issue, and he does a very good job. For example, if one seeks it out, there can be such thing as a healthy, homosexual relationship.  I have never had one, but I long for one indeed.  

So, in a way, I have refined a moral teaching, but have tweeked it. Yes, maybe it is just rationalizing, to make myself feel better. But, I have a different way of seeing things.  I have *felt* the difference between being with men, versus women. Although I am still a virgin, my body, heart, mind react in a much fuller way to men that I have been attracted to in the past.  This "fullness" is an emotional bond, brotherhood.. which in the past has led to strong erections and fantasies.  For women, I have had emotional bonds and love, but this same "fullness" has never existed.  I do not get aroused, and have never had that type of deep connection that I long for in a man. 

So, am I immoral? Am I a bad person? Would Jesus strike me down as a sinner? I am not sure.  It is tough to say.  I think in the time of Jesus, and the scriptures, they really were describing homosexuality in terms of the promiscuity, the culture, and how it was used as a tool of power for men.. to exert their dominance and control over younger boys/men. Also, from the surface, homosexuality seems unnatural, since it does not produce babies... and reproduction, in the eyes of the Church is why men and women should be married in the first place. Anyhow, I get angry at Church teachings, because theological arguments do not express how men feel in their "hearts", and "bodies". 

*************

So, your fear of coming out is very real. I understand SO much that fear, i tasted it... but I was courageous enough to work through it, and confront my fears. Yes, nobody suspected it of me at all. You would never think that if you met me. I am just the "guy next door"; friendly, polite, conversational, tons of friends, i'm a very loyal friend living in a heterosexual world. So, yes, the thought of coming out scared the hell out of me. But, I started slowly.  My crisis of breaking up with girlfriend helped me come out, since my friends would ask me how I was doing.  This care and outreach facilitated a safe space.  1 year later, my friends are even closer to me that I would ever imagine.  Never in a million years would I think that would be the outcome. 

********

Yes, my bondage was (and is still) similar to yours. My journey continues to cause me fear and anxiety, just not as much as before.  I am still bonded to homophobic feelings; I too can be selfish; and very horny (LOL) as all guys are.... fantasizing about masterbating with jocks, and all that sinful shit.  And yes, it feels good to go down that path.  But, I still need to walk a fine line.  Lust and love are completely different. Lust can get anybody into trouble, and much of the homosexual culture is dominated by hookup culture.  But, the insecurity i felt with women was so overwhelming because of the secret I held.. that it was just too much for me. I cannot hurt women like that anymore. I am not true to them, or myself.  These feelings trump theological teachings, in my opinion. You cannot deny how your body physically reacts. and this affects your mental health, and your overall well being. 

********

Is sexuality the "cross to bear" ? To some, yes, this becomes their choice... homosexuals living a life of celibacy, and "transferring" that sexual energy into loving acts of kindness and generosity.  I can see how that is fruitful and in line with Church teachings.  And, I have felt that type of transferrence. When I abstain from masterbation, lust, and pornography, the energy in my spirit is more 'pure", and I do not get wrapped up in lust and self-indulgence

******************

So, what am I called to do? Well, right now, I'm still  not sure.  Since I have never been with a guy, I believe I need to pursue a healthy relationship to explore, with eachother, mutually respecting one another's bodies.  If this does not work for me, perhaps I need to pursue heterosexual relationships, or be single.  It is tough to say right now.  But, my own truths are: I feel more whole right now, being single, and exploring my sexuality, than I have ever been.. I feel free right now.. to figure out my calling. 

Email Driven Meat Markets

I feel like an asshole, just like the rest of the guys who are rejecting me.  This is how it goes: you finally get somebody's attention, then start exchanging emails.. then the critical photo exchange.  This is the critical juncture. If you fail in this department, it is hopeless.  My ranting and raving of saying everybody is so shallow, also becomes my own problem, as I try to politely decline from men who I am not attracted to.  In this business, I try to say "I am not attracted to you", instead of "You are not my type".  It's less harsh using the word "I" to put it on yourself, and not the other person.  The power of language is critical in an email-driven meat market.

Persistence and Honesty Have Their Rewards

I have had a successful day connecting with some fellow closeted, or non-closeted, gay men in the area.  Yes, it happened again. Two types of email ads have been fruitful: The Christian Brotherhood flavor, and the Frustrated Gay Man flavor.  For the former, I have been getting into very interesting discussions with a man who is going through the same thing I am.  It is so comforting to be able to tell stories to one another, ask tough questions, and talk things out.  For the latter, I get responses too, oddly.  In sympathy, or for giving me advice.  I actually have made 2 new friends today, 1 possible date, and 1 possible gathering with a group of 2 guys who just want to hang out.  So, hope on the horizon... and interesting people to meet, relatively soon. We'll see what happens.

Multiple Paths Toward Truth

The following is a list of all the paths I have attempted in finding dates, friends, and male intimacy.  I have been attempting this for a little over 1 year, and I have not had much luck finding dates.  The good news.. First, I have avoided sketchy hookups, simply by learning the ropes of each on-line world.  Second, I have had 3 dates. Although they did not lead anywhere, I had the courage to go for it.  Third, I have made a really good friend online, and we continue to grow closer. 

**************************************************************************

Posting CL ads in 'platonic" or "miscellanous romance" that emphasize
1) Christian brotherhood

2) first time experience
3) masculine, preppy, jock

5) openly frustrated emails

Joining several online dating sites

1) match.com

2) gay.com

3) plentyoffish.com

4) yahoo personals

Going into Chat Rooms

1) Gay.com

2) Yahoo Messenger

Joining Virtual Groups

1) Yahoo online groups

Joining meetup.com groups
1) Gay Christian Bible study
2) Gay Professional Group
3) Gay Scientist Group
4) Gay Outdoor Group

*******************************************************************************

It is intriguing to me the avenues which have led to the most luck. First, ads that emphasize Christian brotherhood have always led to most responses.  This is encouraging for me, because I know guys like me exist out there.  Second, ads that emphasized my frustration about the Durham dating scene elicited tons of responses, which demonstrated to me that I was not the only guy who was fed up with this.  Finally, I feel lucky to have met a really good guy on a chat room, and we continue to talk every night, establishing a strong connection. 

The fish are biting again, though.  My yahoo groups memberships have led to some responses, of just bi/gay/straight/bicurious dudes just going out for beers and watching some sports.  Also, I continue to get responses from those interested in the Christian connection as well. 

The journey continues, it is intriguing, sometimes frustrating,,, but I gain hope in each day. The most important thing I have learned is how to become self-reliant, and survive rejection.  I learn that rejection is not necessarily a reflection of me, but of the individuals on the other end.  It makes me say with confidence "fuck them, it's their loss".  At the same time, I'm able to detach myself from the situation, and move on.  These are good life skills.

Marketing on Craigs List

Marketers use every resource available! I have discovered that they troll through CraigList advertisements, and send you replies that point you to their own dating sites. I guess it makes sense. It is truly targeted advertising which is extremely cost-effective.

And Here I Ponder About the Trash Can of Anger and Hope

As I unpack from my trip, and look at the dented trashcan in the corner of my kitchen, it prompts me to ponder and pray about how far I have progressed this year in coming out, figuring out my sexuality, and being myself.  I shudder when I think back to that trigger, that depression episode..... which began because I was confronting and reviewing all the scenarios in my life thus far which pointed to my attraction to men. It was a large list. It made me sick to my stomach, made me angry, depressed... so I threw a tantrum, threw everything out of my pantry, my refrigerator, and kicked the trashcan with all my strength.

That inner rage and frustration was very real, very telling of my inner turmoil.  I continued to seek therapy, seek rest. I also took time off work.  It was a toxic combination of stressful work life, and severe consternation about my own, seemingly irresolvable sexual identity crisis.

So here I sit now, many months later, having had emptied my soul to start anew. I resigned from my job; I came out to more friends; I talked things out with my parents; I went on a road trip; I spent quality time with my dog Leif; and I journaled.

In the midst of it all, I developed a meaningful friendship and relationship with a man on-line... Despite the unconventional way of meeting, we have developed a true bond, and trust eachother deeply. We laugh, we argue, we comfort eachother. We talk about music, beer, wine, travelling, camping, and canoeing.  We watch comedy movie strips, movie trailers, and musical performances.  We share our homosexuality, and our way of seeing the world. Although he may not be "the one", we certainly have promised eachother deep friendship, which is a wonderful thing right now as I transition into my new life.

So, maybe I should go buy a new trashcan, as a sign of new hope. It is one of those yuppy trashcans, that one flips open by depressing a foot pedal.  Mine is dented severely on the side, preventing the top from closing. Just as I need the fucking lid to close, I also need some closure with some chapters of my life.

Yes, so I have decided... it is off to Bed, Bath & Beyond I go... in search of a new Trash Can.

Peace,

The Zigman