My life in words and in art... I have found a therapy which goes beyond words, and combines analysis, artistry, and poetry into one. I decided that I wanted to use Wordle to summarize parts of my coming out blog; and within that, I was able to change the number of words that it displays. So, I could take 3 months of my life.. the first 3 months fo my coming out experience, and summarize my blog in 1, 5, 25, 125, 625 words, etc.... how ever many words I want, and it reduces it down to the essence of the thoughts I was putting onto paper.
The results are not only fascinating, but poetic. Reducing 3 turbulent months into 5 words was quite telling, and from an outsider's perspective, one would be able to tell me that I definitely was gay, and just coming to terms with my needs for a man, a relationship, for connection, and for love.. all within the context of feeling sexual and needy. I would be curious, now, to see how these word clouds change over time....
Now, I feel like creating 'poetic word cloud art' that summarizes my blogs, my life, my experience... and turns it into a poetic and artistic journey. I am so thrilled with this new discovery of how to blend my soul, art, and poetry into one that I find it almost revolutionary.... almost a tool that could be used to analyze somebody's progress from one state to another.... a tool for therapy, in fact....
For somebody who is intruiged with words, self-reflection, and analysis... this is a treasure trove resulting in systematic insights that could go on forever, with all sorts of combinations. Here are some potential comparisons:
a) wordle over the entire course of an intervention; and summarize in different cloud densities. you can see the development in different shades of detail, with respect to the words being used.
b) wordle "pre" vs. "post" to see if you have any differences...... and then in here, do different densities of word clouds to describe the essence of different situations.
c) vary your time frames.. to see if you have 'changes' over time (a time series analysis, in essence).
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Learning to Be Content
Despite my rants and raves about not finding a date, I am, oddly, at the same time, completely content with my coming out, my 'gay status', if you will, and my current state of affairs. Being in this current limbo of mine is much more peaceful than my previous states of quandry when I did not even know I wanted to be with a guy; or had never been with a guy to figure out I was indeed attracted to them. I think back over the past year, and see progress. I feel progress. I see progress. I feel forward movement. I am not living a lie anymore. I am being true to myself. In essence, I am now like any other single person, trying to find love and intimacy with another human being; it's just that I'm happening to pursue a homosexual instead of a heterosexual relationship. Except for that (minor) detail, it's still love, relatonships, and intimacy. As humans, we naturally ache for that intimacy and connection...... We may transiently find that connection in meaningless hook-ups, but the connection fades as quickly as we cum...... literally.........
So here I sit.... with my coffee, on my front porch.. still pondering my life, and have no immediate answers. One thing that I have done to connect with a community is going back to church; as well as becoming active in the gay Catholic group.. both of which will satisfy that need to be emotionally and spiritually connected. I look forward to nurturing these relationships and friendships... So in the meantime, I will enjoy this time in my life.... and not try to overanalyze my situation. I should learn to be content with what I have, and not worry about what I do *not* have.
So here I sit.... with my coffee, on my front porch.. still pondering my life, and have no immediate answers. One thing that I have done to connect with a community is going back to church; as well as becoming active in the gay Catholic group.. both of which will satisfy that need to be emotionally and spiritually connected. I look forward to nurturing these relationships and friendships... So in the meantime, I will enjoy this time in my life.... and not try to overanalyze my situation. I should learn to be content with what I have, and not worry about what I do *not* have.
Becoming Jaded to the Gay Rat Race
I am not quite sure what phase I am going through right now, but my desire for hook-ups is nill, and my desire to chase the young dudes with whom I have been trying to get second dates has also decreased substantially. One thing I have realized is that it gets really damn tiring being the chaser, especially when with no reciprocation. It gets really annoying to constantly be the one who gives, and not have the other person give back without asking. For example, after all the attention I gave to a particular guy I went on a date with, about how we need to hang out this weekend....I most likely will never hear from him again unless I take the steps to pursue. And Fuck, i'm too busy this weekend to even hang out, so why even put the effort out to get in touch with him again? So many gay guys are flakey and self-centered... it's really tough to find the ones who care. What about friendship, people? I definitely am in an 'anti-hook-up' phase because I realize the emptiness of hook-ups.Right now, I am so fulfilled with my creative bouts I am having with both my research, writing, and my new house... that the need to be intimate has faded a bit...... and now.... i'm not quite sure what is next. I have maybe 1 prospect for a date; I could go chasing that guy again; I could go back into the online hunt... but I have become so jaded that none of this will lead to a meaningful, fulfilling relationship that has emotional intimacy, mutual respect, and caring...
Honestly the gay dating scene as it currently exists, at least in my mind, feels almost like rat race.. where one needs to update your profile, promote yourself, send out tons of emails to guys you may or may not like, only to get no response..... How does one not become jaded? Then there is the 'new meat' phenonenon where new connections found on a dating site may peak the first week, then die off because you are not anymore the new kid on the block.
So, the 'if you can't beat them, join them' philosophy does not work, because joining the rat race seems to be a series of downer deadends. So, I am not sure where I stand or what to do. I could keep chasing my young ideal boyfriend types, where I end up putting out most of the effort; maybe I would get some one night stands out of that. But where would that leave me emotionally? Fuck, it's crazy. You see why its much easier to become excited about a new house, a new manuscript to be published, some new collaborations, or a cool vacation... all of which have much more potential to be fulfilling compared to a cheap date with meaningless sex.
Honestly the gay dating scene as it currently exists, at least in my mind, feels almost like rat race.. where one needs to update your profile, promote yourself, send out tons of emails to guys you may or may not like, only to get no response..... How does one not become jaded? Then there is the 'new meat' phenonenon where new connections found on a dating site may peak the first week, then die off because you are not anymore the new kid on the block.
So, the 'if you can't beat them, join them' philosophy does not work, because joining the rat race seems to be a series of downer deadends. So, I am not sure where I stand or what to do. I could keep chasing my young ideal boyfriend types, where I end up putting out most of the effort; maybe I would get some one night stands out of that. But where would that leave me emotionally? Fuck, it's crazy. You see why its much easier to become excited about a new house, a new manuscript to be published, some new collaborations, or a cool vacation... all of which have much more potential to be fulfilling compared to a cheap date with meaningless sex.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Contented Down Time
I can't believe how fast the month has gone... I just feel like writing.. I need the self-reflection, and I don't quite know where to start...... Sometimes when I'm having a night in, I like putting on some good music, have a glass of wine, and just write, reflect, and think about where my life is, and the direction I am taking... I have no specific ponderings, with exception of feeling very pleased and looking forward to all the various events and activities both social and work-related that are on my plate; leaving me little time to even be distracted by my usual unhealthy obssessions with navigating the gay world.....
Despite all of my fishing for dates lately, and actually being relatively successful in some regards, I am sometimes washed over with a feeling of contentment, tranquility, and peace, on evenings like this when I have had a successful day at work, am enjoying music, unwinding, and really have nothing to complain about....... I wish this sense of peace would sustain itself during the times of turmoil or uncertainty, but I will take what I can get right now.
At this moment, I feel on top of my game; and have begun to acheive a balance in my life which is leading to successes left and right, and much hope far into the future. This is a wonderful feeling that I have not felt in a very long time; a feeling of stability, contentment, and success in many aspects of my life.
With that, I will continue my glass of red wine, my music, and my ponderings about the meaning of life.
Despite all of my fishing for dates lately, and actually being relatively successful in some regards, I am sometimes washed over with a feeling of contentment, tranquility, and peace, on evenings like this when I have had a successful day at work, am enjoying music, unwinding, and really have nothing to complain about....... I wish this sense of peace would sustain itself during the times of turmoil or uncertainty, but I will take what I can get right now.
At this moment, I feel on top of my game; and have begun to acheive a balance in my life which is leading to successes left and right, and much hope far into the future. This is a wonderful feeling that I have not felt in a very long time; a feeling of stability, contentment, and success in many aspects of my life.
With that, I will continue my glass of red wine, my music, and my ponderings about the meaning of life.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Being a Graceful and Appreciative 'Receiver'
It is my spiritual reflection week.. so .. it is time to ponder some deep things in life...
Why is receiving harder than giving? No, I am not meaning in the context of gay sex.... at least I haven't really thought of it that way..... I am meaning in the sense of gifts, advice, and life in general. Receiving something, say advice, with grace, takes admitting your are vulnerable and actually need the help. I often misinterpret advice from some people in my life as nagging, which then gets me in trouble because I cannot recognize it as advice..... I need to try to improve this about myself. I think I get defensive with the people closest to me, and look at the advice as thinking I did something wrong in the first place, and then kinda get pissed off. Or, in situations where I'm not necessarily looking for advice, and I receive it,,, I can see it was a little off putting... So, this, I need to try to change.. I need to at least try to recognize that advice or comments by others is not necessarily a bossing around, but as free advice to try to improve my life.
So apart from being a 'graceful receiver', another important aspect is making sure the other person knows that you appreciate the advice they gave you, otherwise, they'll feel unappreciated. First, it's important to 'receive' because it shows the gift-giver that you appreciate theirr help, and their gifts, talents, etc. Second, it's important to recognize that it was a gift, and thank them for it, so that they know they are special, and have gifts to give you. By recognizing the giver, appreciating them, and receiving the gifts....... in a graceful and appreciative manner... this affirms to the gift-giver that they are loved, appreciated, and have talents to contribute to the world.
Why is receiving harder than giving? No, I am not meaning in the context of gay sex.... at least I haven't really thought of it that way..... I am meaning in the sense of gifts, advice, and life in general. Receiving something, say advice, with grace, takes admitting your are vulnerable and actually need the help. I often misinterpret advice from some people in my life as nagging, which then gets me in trouble because I cannot recognize it as advice..... I need to try to improve this about myself. I think I get defensive with the people closest to me, and look at the advice as thinking I did something wrong in the first place, and then kinda get pissed off. Or, in situations where I'm not necessarily looking for advice, and I receive it,,, I can see it was a little off putting... So, this, I need to try to change.. I need to at least try to recognize that advice or comments by others is not necessarily a bossing around, but as free advice to try to improve my life.
So apart from being a 'graceful receiver', another important aspect is making sure the other person knows that you appreciate the advice they gave you, otherwise, they'll feel unappreciated. First, it's important to 'receive' because it shows the gift-giver that you appreciate theirr help, and their gifts, talents, etc. Second, it's important to recognize that it was a gift, and thank them for it, so that they know they are special, and have gifts to give you. By recognizing the giver, appreciating them, and receiving the gifts....... in a graceful and appreciative manner... this affirms to the gift-giver that they are loved, appreciated, and have talents to contribute to the world.
Re-Focus and Re-Start
I am having a better week....... I am starting to readjust my expectations of the dating life, and trying to be very thankful and appreciative of the new friendships with gay men that I have established, and work on these, instead of obsessing about sex... i think building friendships based upon trust, enjoyment, and fun is something I would rather have right now, because it fills the void that I'm trying to fill with fruitless efforts of craigslist surfing.. So, I think at least for now, I feel a bit more hopeful about filling my life with more meaning, and being less focused on 'finding a boyfriend'.
This is my spiritual writing week as well, and have been reading Henri Nouwen's daily meditations semi-regularly since the beginning of Lent, to attempt to bring a bit more structure, meaning, and depth into my free time by myself; and it becomes a good exercise in meditation, writing,,,, which I then try to translate the lessons immediately into my daily life by improving my communication with others, and trying to live a better life as a Christian.
This is my spiritual writing week as well, and have been reading Henri Nouwen's daily meditations semi-regularly since the beginning of Lent, to attempt to bring a bit more structure, meaning, and depth into my free time by myself; and it becomes a good exercise in meditation, writing,,,, which I then try to translate the lessons immediately into my daily life by improving my communication with others, and trying to live a better life as a Christian.
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