Go figure. I was in uncharted waters. Being the horny idiot I was, I engaged in conversation with somebody I met on Craigslist. After an hour or so of back and forth conversation and photo swapping, we decided mutually that we wanted to meet... but the next day instead. We were both pretty eager. As such, I emailed the next day this hot jock named Clint.... to plan our potentially platonic, potentially more.. rendezvous. His email bounced back. No more Hot Clint.
It is obviously much better this way, for I was half-hoping that this would not work out... was a bad, potentially dangerous, impulsive idea.
But back to Clint. So what happened to the guy? My theory: I was engaged in conversation with a bot. He did misspell words, and I also thought that it was a little odd that he had never been to this big city, despite living in a college town not too far away. Bots are used my internet marketers to do automated tasks, and sometimes, pose as real people, in order to get information from people. Bots are all over the place, supposedly, on chat rooms and CL hookup sites as a way to harvest email addresses.... or plant cookies for pornography advertisements.
Or, maybe Clint was for real, but decided to erase his tracks by deleting his secondary email account that he uses primarily for his online secret life? He chickened out maybe? Who knows. I have see it all. Nothing will beat the time that I had date set up with a guy, and he did not show up at the restaurant.... he did this 2 weeks in a row too! Was he a Bot too? Have I been chasing fake guys? LOL.
God. The gay adventures are surely to continue.... Just let me keep up my sense of humor to prevent insanity.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Coming Out Anniversary
Two years ago to the day, I came out for the first time to a few of my friends. It was a pretty big step for me. On the same day two years ago, my niece was born. I will always remember these moments..... truly a meaningful Independence Day.
A Lesson In The Challenges Of Cultural Tolerance
OK, maybe I will stay with the Catholic Church. Gee that worship service at MCC was so uncomfortable for me. I think because I felt like I did not have anything else in common with the others in the congregation, despite my sexual orientation. Perhaps that answers the question of why I was not comfortable. Part of me may feel guilty for homophobia, but feeling uncomfortable around people who have almost nothing in common with you does not implicate me as a homophobe, I would argue. Shit. I cannot believe I walked out of there. I could not sit there anymore.
One the way home, I re-examined what is important to me in a church. First, I value the scripture enough to the point that I would like the priest or minister to engage the congregation in more of a challenging way.... bringing in viewpoints that strengthen our faith, and allow us to open our minds. In Catholicism, at least in my experience, good priests will bring in a rich context of Church history and theology and academic approaches to the Bible in order to really dissect, reflect, and deliver the meanings and the Word of God in the modern world context.
Although I did appreciate the sermon today, about forgiveness; and I felt he had a good message, and was a very good-hearted man... I really could not get into it. I literally left toward the end of the service. I was waiting on baited breath for more Liturgy, for Holy Communion... for communal repetition of prayer. It was not there. I felt almost an emptiness, despite the spirit which obviously blesses the very people of that congregation.
In a very real way, I do not feel like I can find a home as a unique homosexual... I am truly caught somewhere in between the gay and the straight world. The experience I had at the service this morning feeds straight int what I may label as the source of my homophobia..... being surrounded by people I cannot relate to. Perhaps prejudices source from that.......... the ability or the refusal to find common ground between groups or individuals. I truly had a visceral response.. an uncomfortable feeling brewing in my body.. which I cannot deny. Honestly, I feel a bit guilty about that.... I mean, shouldn't I have it in my heart to open myself to others? I think this is the tensions we feel as individuals and as a society in accepting others of different cultures. We feel uncomfortable and do not know what to do.
So, is my walking away from this experience with a refusal to go back, a source of intolerance? I'm not sure. I still can't tell why I feel the way I do. How can a man caught between gay/straight feel at home somewhere, if they cannot fully adopt either the homo or the hetero culture? It leaves me feeling very uneasy, and possibly in a quandry about how our society deals with the continuum between homosexuality and heterosexuality. In fact, the prejudice can go the other direction too... where homosexuals begin to harbor an anger or resentment toward the heterosexual world. This too is not right. How do we find middle ground?
One the way home, I re-examined what is important to me in a church. First, I value the scripture enough to the point that I would like the priest or minister to engage the congregation in more of a challenging way.... bringing in viewpoints that strengthen our faith, and allow us to open our minds. In Catholicism, at least in my experience, good priests will bring in a rich context of Church history and theology and academic approaches to the Bible in order to really dissect, reflect, and deliver the meanings and the Word of God in the modern world context.
Although I did appreciate the sermon today, about forgiveness; and I felt he had a good message, and was a very good-hearted man... I really could not get into it. I literally left toward the end of the service. I was waiting on baited breath for more Liturgy, for Holy Communion... for communal repetition of prayer. It was not there. I felt almost an emptiness, despite the spirit which obviously blesses the very people of that congregation.
In a very real way, I do not feel like I can find a home as a unique homosexual... I am truly caught somewhere in between the gay and the straight world. The experience I had at the service this morning feeds straight int what I may label as the source of my homophobia..... being surrounded by people I cannot relate to. Perhaps prejudices source from that.......... the ability or the refusal to find common ground between groups or individuals. I truly had a visceral response.. an uncomfortable feeling brewing in my body.. which I cannot deny. Honestly, I feel a bit guilty about that.... I mean, shouldn't I have it in my heart to open myself to others? I think this is the tensions we feel as individuals and as a society in accepting others of different cultures. We feel uncomfortable and do not know what to do.
So, is my walking away from this experience with a refusal to go back, a source of intolerance? I'm not sure. I still can't tell why I feel the way I do. How can a man caught between gay/straight feel at home somewhere, if they cannot fully adopt either the homo or the hetero culture? It leaves me feeling very uneasy, and possibly in a quandry about how our society deals with the continuum between homosexuality and heterosexuality. In fact, the prejudice can go the other direction too... where homosexuals begin to harbor an anger or resentment toward the heterosexual world. This too is not right. How do we find middle ground?
Does God Really Care Which Christian Religion is Best?
As part of my new journey, I am searching for a new church. I sometimes ask myself why I am doing this.. why do I put myself through yet another transition? Well, I feel a momentum to explore more things, to break out of my mold, to see what else is out there that could move my spirit perhaps in a more natural, grass-roots type of way. Right now, the Catholic church to me feels formal, stale, heterosexual. Although I do value the spiritual disciplines that I have gained from my most recent faith growth the past 2 years, I do not envision myself growing anymore as a contributing member... mostly because the whole "Catholic" social networks are geared toward heterosexual couples, and dating, and young adult groups... that just do not provide me with hope any longer. The whole "Catholic" thing, as a package, just creates sometimes a negative visceral response, associated with the resentment I harbor toward not being about to reconcile, in myself, the double standards in the Church. I also cannot stand the intellectualizing of homosexuality, building a theology around homosexuality in order to promote their beliefs... which just have no basis in the roots of the human spirit or homosexuality.
So, I continue my journey. I went to a local community non-denominational church last week, and enjoyed the structure. This week, I will venture into the Metropolitan Community Church, which sponsors the LGBT Center, and definitely is geared toward the gay community. I am a little nervous, to say the least, but just very eager to explore what it has to offer. The next churches may include the Episcopalian churches around town, but I may then go back to the first bible church.. which felt vibrant, young, and energetic.
I thank God for my exposure to the Bible during the last couple years with my Catholic group. Without that, I would not have gained this appreciation of the Bible verses, small group studies, and speaking with other non-Catholic Christians about God's Word, and how it has affected me in so many ways. This has led me to explore other Christian religions.
A few things I am looking for in a church include a) active young adult / singles ministry; b) no hidden agendas or anti-homosexuality beliefs; c) social justice and community service opportunities; d) good music ministry; e) small group faith groups; f) other social outlets like men's breakfasts or weekly social gatherings or prayer times.
When I do finally find a new home to practice my Christian faith, I will consider to still go to Mass on Holy Days, Easter, and Christmas... in order to tap into those familiar feelings of rituals, sacraments, and old-world wisdom that does still appeal to me in many ways. But, saying that, I need to spend a majority of my time in a more vibrant young community who can serve God in a more open and liberal way.
Although a few weeks ago I was feeling guilty about leaving the Catholic Church... which was odd anyhow... I am feeling much better about it now. Why would one feel guilty about leaving the Church? It really has a hold on me,, perhaps because I have revered it in a way for so long, and really did strive to be a part of this structure and please God , family, and friends in this way.
I still want to hold onto my meditation and journal rituals, relying upon Thomas Merton and Henri Nouwen, and an occasional mass during the week for communion, or Holy days of obligation. But for now, I need to chart this path. I should not feel bad about this. It's not like I'm casting away my belief in God, and the need to look toward Jesus as a good leader, person, and example.. Does God really care which Christian religion is best? I do not think so.
So, I continue my journey. I went to a local community non-denominational church last week, and enjoyed the structure. This week, I will venture into the Metropolitan Community Church, which sponsors the LGBT Center, and definitely is geared toward the gay community. I am a little nervous, to say the least, but just very eager to explore what it has to offer. The next churches may include the Episcopalian churches around town, but I may then go back to the first bible church.. which felt vibrant, young, and energetic.
I thank God for my exposure to the Bible during the last couple years with my Catholic group. Without that, I would not have gained this appreciation of the Bible verses, small group studies, and speaking with other non-Catholic Christians about God's Word, and how it has affected me in so many ways. This has led me to explore other Christian religions.
A few things I am looking for in a church include a) active young adult / singles ministry; b) no hidden agendas or anti-homosexuality beliefs; c) social justice and community service opportunities; d) good music ministry; e) small group faith groups; f) other social outlets like men's breakfasts or weekly social gatherings or prayer times.
When I do finally find a new home to practice my Christian faith, I will consider to still go to Mass on Holy Days, Easter, and Christmas... in order to tap into those familiar feelings of rituals, sacraments, and old-world wisdom that does still appeal to me in many ways. But, saying that, I need to spend a majority of my time in a more vibrant young community who can serve God in a more open and liberal way.
Although a few weeks ago I was feeling guilty about leaving the Catholic Church... which was odd anyhow... I am feeling much better about it now. Why would one feel guilty about leaving the Church? It really has a hold on me,, perhaps because I have revered it in a way for so long, and really did strive to be a part of this structure and please God , family, and friends in this way.
I still want to hold onto my meditation and journal rituals, relying upon Thomas Merton and Henri Nouwen, and an occasional mass during the week for communion, or Holy days of obligation. But for now, I need to chart this path. I should not feel bad about this. It's not like I'm casting away my belief in God, and the need to look toward Jesus as a good leader, person, and example.. Does God really care which Christian religion is best? I do not think so.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Transforming Fear Into Action
Well, since this is my spiritual reconnection and blogging day, I have decided to approach this gay networking as a project, and as such, in my own style, I have of course created an excel spreadsheet. On this spreadsheet, I have all the various groups and events available at my disposal, and the various dates that I will attend these events. I am jumping full force into this, to see where the chips fall. I realize that starting in mid-July, the events will be coming in succession, so I should have no anxieties about meeting new people and feeling like I am making progress. I realize that I have found some holes in my previous approach, and that there are about 7 guys that look approachable on match.com. I also have so many opportunities for non-gay and gay groups events coming up this month, that I will be lambasted. LOL. I am going to be courageous.
Looking Back In Order To Look Forward
I am a man who always needs a plan.... to affirm to myself that I am moving forward in achieving my goals and dreams. This, though, is difficult with finding partners. I believe one needs to surround oneself with people with similar values, hobbies, and activities. This is rather straightforward in the straight world..... the dating game becomes implied.. when a man asks out a woman who he may have met at a community happy hour. But, what about the closeted gays out there? Or the non-effeminate masculine gays who are hiding here and there without a voice, or a venue? It becomes almost an impossible journey........
Here are the potential avenues:
a) Craigslist
b) Meetup.com
c) gay.com
d) eharmony compatibles
e) facebook groups
f) LGBT groups and community centers
g) churches
h) church support groups
i) yahoo matches
k) personal networking
In City A, I tried CL, meetup.com, gay.com, eharmony,com, personal networking. What came from this were a few dates from CL, a few interesting responses and email conversations of encouragement when posting my blog, inquiries about Christianity, and postings about my frustrating journeys. I had no responses at all from the online dating sites. This made me upset. I did have the guts to show up to a meetup.com outdoor group, but I did not follow through with this because I was planning to relocate to City B. I never had the guts to show up to a church-affiliated support group, and personal networking with friends did not go very far. I also did not have the guts to show up to a camping group that met regularly, although I did have opportunities.
The Steps Taken Thus Far: City A
Fuck, I guess as I step back and look at this, maybe I do still have some avenues to try. Of the experiences I did have: The positives from CL occurred when I posted on "platonic", or "misc. romance", and my postings were targeted toward Christians, and/or those who were still in the closet. The negatives included the hook-up ads, which forced me into a vortex of fear and desire.. all at the same time. For online sites, the positives included a couple of real responses, but never led to anything. The negatives included non-responses from so many people, it triggered feelings of rejection. The meetup.com outdoor group was positive, because I felt comfortable with the people. The negative was I had some feelings of homophobia, and was trying to cling to the hottest guys and did not open up to others. I actually have been on 4 gay dates... which is not bad. Out of those 4, I was comfortable with one, but because I was insecure still, he did not want to hang out with me.. too much baggage. I stated that I wanted to be more than friends. My own fault there. The others were guys in their late 30's, early 40's that had been out for a long time, were making me feel uncomfortable, and sure had a lot of advice to me about how I should get laid as soon as possible. Of my other sources of support, I think my coming out to friends has been a life-saver, as well as seeking gay-specific therapy. Also, my online pal from Canada, despite my mixed feelings and boundary issues of having crushes on him, has been a source of deep friendship and support.. and I love him dearly.
An Aside...
Now that I am in City B, perhaps I can take the opportunity to increase my networking, and try some of those same techniques from City A again. Jesus. This sounds like a research project. My God. I have no other idea how to approach this coming out process, except to be proactive, and have a strategy for networking... Fuck, am I trying to hard? Perhaps this is the only way to make myself feel more in control, even if it's just an illusion of control.
To Be Done Still: City B
I have established myself the past few weeks in my new city, central to mid-town, which tends to be more liberal, non-traditional, and gay-friendly. I can't tell you how much I love my neighborhood. It makes me feel more comfortable in a city that I formerly associated with the perfect suburb life of my childhood. This is much better now... living in this area. It allows me to establish my independence, and gives me a sense of freedom to explore the people and events surrounding me.
So, what can I do to proactively meet gay men and women? What is still to be completed, and how can I feel at least that I am trying and having fun meeting new people? Let's look back at what I have done in the past.
CL: OK, i have surfed a few entries on the platonic section, and some people look relatively nice, just looking for new pals. perhaps I can try this for kicks, with no expectations.
match.com: OK, now that yahoo and match have merged, and yahoo was previously ranked as one of the best gay dating sites, it may have just increased the pool. If I jump back into this, I need to really be thoughtful about my profile, put on some photos that show me in good light, and really be thorough with my entries.. which demonstrates I am serious about this. And, in searching for others: I need to make sure I know what I'm looking for in a guy, and be selective, and really read profile carefully to see if I would like the guy.... not just looking for a cute face, but also looking for substance. Honestly, in City A, I just surfed and sent out quick emails to hot guys. LOL. I threw out a wide net to see what fish would respond. I think I need a better focused and thoughtful approach to this. I can also be open to make friends with people in other cities that match my background... because pen-pal relationships could form as well. I am willing to be open.
meetup.com: Not many groups in City B that surround gay men, or even Christian gay men. I'm not sure. I tried to start groups in City A, but just did not work very well. Some Bible Study groups were active in City B, but I did not have the balls to show up. Perhaps I search meetup.com again.
churches: I have started to explore churches in this area.. and have a list of gay friendly Catholic churches, as well as some other potential gay churches... including Unitarian, MCC, some other Catholic churches. What am I after? I need structure. I like the option of small group discussions, and service-oriented activities for social justice. I like the vibrancy and the grass-roots feeling of a parish that brings people in. I need a young-adult outlet, ideally gay support group... but I'm not sure. For now, I guess I can search for churches and write down different options.
church groups: I have a goal of meeting with the gay catholic group soon; to explore the goals of this group and see if it feels like a good fit.
in-person groups: I have a goal of meeting with the young adult gay pride group of my city starting in a couple of weeks. I am impatient because they only meet once a month. I may feel a bit like I want things to move faster, but I don't know what else to do. I am also eager to drop by the MCC and see the LGBT center, and inquire about how I could get involved in more subtle, behind the scenes way. I could show up to the LGBT community meeting, held after the board meeting. I also would like to become involved in some ballrooom dancing, and outdoor groups.. that are not necessarily gay-specific... as well as the Habitat Group....
Gee, now I have lots of options for networking... I should start my list, and get my calendar out and start planning!
Here are the potential avenues:
a) Craigslist
b) Meetup.com
c) gay.com
d) eharmony compatibles
e) facebook groups
f) LGBT groups and community centers
g) churches
h) church support groups
i) yahoo matches
k) personal networking
In City A, I tried CL, meetup.com, gay.com, eharmony,com, personal networking. What came from this were a few dates from CL, a few interesting responses and email conversations of encouragement when posting my blog, inquiries about Christianity, and postings about my frustrating journeys. I had no responses at all from the online dating sites. This made me upset. I did have the guts to show up to a meetup.com outdoor group, but I did not follow through with this because I was planning to relocate to City B. I never had the guts to show up to a church-affiliated support group, and personal networking with friends did not go very far. I also did not have the guts to show up to a camping group that met regularly, although I did have opportunities.
The Steps Taken Thus Far: City A
Fuck, I guess as I step back and look at this, maybe I do still have some avenues to try. Of the experiences I did have: The positives from CL occurred when I posted on "platonic", or "misc. romance", and my postings were targeted toward Christians, and/or those who were still in the closet. The negatives included the hook-up ads, which forced me into a vortex of fear and desire.. all at the same time. For online sites, the positives included a couple of real responses, but never led to anything. The negatives included non-responses from so many people, it triggered feelings of rejection. The meetup.com outdoor group was positive, because I felt comfortable with the people. The negative was I had some feelings of homophobia, and was trying to cling to the hottest guys and did not open up to others. I actually have been on 4 gay dates... which is not bad. Out of those 4, I was comfortable with one, but because I was insecure still, he did not want to hang out with me.. too much baggage. I stated that I wanted to be more than friends. My own fault there. The others were guys in their late 30's, early 40's that had been out for a long time, were making me feel uncomfortable, and sure had a lot of advice to me about how I should get laid as soon as possible. Of my other sources of support, I think my coming out to friends has been a life-saver, as well as seeking gay-specific therapy. Also, my online pal from Canada, despite my mixed feelings and boundary issues of having crushes on him, has been a source of deep friendship and support.. and I love him dearly.
An Aside...
Now that I am in City B, perhaps I can take the opportunity to increase my networking, and try some of those same techniques from City A again. Jesus. This sounds like a research project. My God. I have no other idea how to approach this coming out process, except to be proactive, and have a strategy for networking... Fuck, am I trying to hard? Perhaps this is the only way to make myself feel more in control, even if it's just an illusion of control.
To Be Done Still: City B
I have established myself the past few weeks in my new city, central to mid-town, which tends to be more liberal, non-traditional, and gay-friendly. I can't tell you how much I love my neighborhood. It makes me feel more comfortable in a city that I formerly associated with the perfect suburb life of my childhood. This is much better now... living in this area. It allows me to establish my independence, and gives me a sense of freedom to explore the people and events surrounding me.
So, what can I do to proactively meet gay men and women? What is still to be completed, and how can I feel at least that I am trying and having fun meeting new people? Let's look back at what I have done in the past.
CL: OK, i have surfed a few entries on the platonic section, and some people look relatively nice, just looking for new pals. perhaps I can try this for kicks, with no expectations.
match.com: OK, now that yahoo and match have merged, and yahoo was previously ranked as one of the best gay dating sites, it may have just increased the pool. If I jump back into this, I need to really be thoughtful about my profile, put on some photos that show me in good light, and really be thorough with my entries.. which demonstrates I am serious about this. And, in searching for others: I need to make sure I know what I'm looking for in a guy, and be selective, and really read profile carefully to see if I would like the guy.... not just looking for a cute face, but also looking for substance. Honestly, in City A, I just surfed and sent out quick emails to hot guys. LOL. I threw out a wide net to see what fish would respond. I think I need a better focused and thoughtful approach to this. I can also be open to make friends with people in other cities that match my background... because pen-pal relationships could form as well. I am willing to be open.
meetup.com: Not many groups in City B that surround gay men, or even Christian gay men. I'm not sure. I tried to start groups in City A, but just did not work very well. Some Bible Study groups were active in City B, but I did not have the balls to show up. Perhaps I search meetup.com again.
churches: I have started to explore churches in this area.. and have a list of gay friendly Catholic churches, as well as some other potential gay churches... including Unitarian, MCC, some other Catholic churches. What am I after? I need structure. I like the option of small group discussions, and service-oriented activities for social justice. I like the vibrancy and the grass-roots feeling of a parish that brings people in. I need a young-adult outlet, ideally gay support group... but I'm not sure. For now, I guess I can search for churches and write down different options.
church groups: I have a goal of meeting with the gay catholic group soon; to explore the goals of this group and see if it feels like a good fit.
in-person groups: I have a goal of meeting with the young adult gay pride group of my city starting in a couple of weeks. I am impatient because they only meet once a month. I may feel a bit like I want things to move faster, but I don't know what else to do. I am also eager to drop by the MCC and see the LGBT center, and inquire about how I could get involved in more subtle, behind the scenes way. I could show up to the LGBT community meeting, held after the board meeting. I also would like to become involved in some ballrooom dancing, and outdoor groups.. that are not necessarily gay-specific... as well as the Habitat Group....
Gee, now I have lots of options for networking... I should start my list, and get my calendar out and start planning!
Gay Dar Malfunction
It feels to me as if I have not made any progress on the dating front, although I have made tremendous progress on identifying my internal needs and desires. What does it take? I need to transfer this energy of hopelessness, frustration, and occasional disappointments into networking and meeting new people.
How do I place myself in the right environment? Do I need to become at least peripherally active in a gay group, despite my fears and potential discomfort? How do I become satisfied with my current circumstances without constantly having the tune behind my head of finding companionship?
I think what makes this difficult is a combination of my need to be pro-active, my current transition into a new town where I am trying to make friends with both straight and gay, as well as feel a part of a community and group of friends. It takes time to get acclimated, and I get very impatient and worry that I am not able to attain my expectations. It is a lot of change, and I want to control it somehow... make it happen faster, or make it happen to align with what my hopes were, or my pipe dream. It is difficult.
I need to also be aware of potential GayDar malfunctions, where I think somebody is gay, or I develop a man-crush, and then I end up in a quandry about how to draw boundaries, how to put myself out there, whether to pursue or not. For example, yesterday I came out to a friend who I thought was also gay.... LOL. That is an easy way to find out... and actually, it sure does ease my mind now that I know the answer.
How do I place myself in the right environment? Do I need to become at least peripherally active in a gay group, despite my fears and potential discomfort? How do I become satisfied with my current circumstances without constantly having the tune behind my head of finding companionship?
I think what makes this difficult is a combination of my need to be pro-active, my current transition into a new town where I am trying to make friends with both straight and gay, as well as feel a part of a community and group of friends. It takes time to get acclimated, and I get very impatient and worry that I am not able to attain my expectations. It is a lot of change, and I want to control it somehow... make it happen faster, or make it happen to align with what my hopes were, or my pipe dream. It is difficult.
I need to also be aware of potential GayDar malfunctions, where I think somebody is gay, or I develop a man-crush, and then I end up in a quandry about how to draw boundaries, how to put myself out there, whether to pursue or not. For example, yesterday I came out to a friend who I thought was also gay.... LOL. That is an easy way to find out... and actually, it sure does ease my mind now that I know the answer.
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