See what kind of assholes are really out there....

AD PLACED: 

Hey guys-- i'm straight acting, still closeted, but want to meet like-minded folks. i'm a professor at a local university, and I would like to meet other gay, bi, closeted guys around my age who are in graduate school, or in the medical profession. I know you guys are out there........ i'm a down to earth, straight acting, intelligent, good looking guy just trying to find my way in the gay world. Friends first, maybe see where things go. Write back if this message resonates with your situation.

Peace,
MP

RESPONSE POSTED PUBLICLY (instead of privately sent to me) 

Wow, it totally saddens me that you are restricting yourself to only graduate students and health care professionals! What a boring sheltered life you lead… I’m an early 30’s, educated professional, how do you know we wouldn’t hit off or have something to talk about or share? Wait, again, you stated that you only want graduate students and health care professionals so that excludes me… NICE!

By the way, yes, I am out there…. The difference between you and me – I’m comfortable with me. At least have something to hide, a wife or boyfriend but stop setting us back 30 years.

You’re supposed to be an educator, a mentor to our aging youth. Teach them to be upstanding citizens and open their minds. How can you do that when you’re not even one yourself!?

Does your wife/boyfriend know you’re posting here? Granted it’s in the “Strictly Platonic” section but we all know you’d prefer “M4M".

CL Trolling and Latin Line Cooks

Ok, so I've turned down my temperature and my expectations, and have now turned to the more traditional ways of getting to know people: going on dates. In my new environs, I have been successful in connecting with some guys in Craig's List 'Platonic Section'... which means, the motive is perhaps a date first, then see what comes from that.  I did have a pleasant time with City Planner Dude.. a nice fellow with a graduate degree in city planning, who worked for a local township.  We ate at a classy restaurant, and had good conversation and laughter.  This was a step in the right direction.  Although we did not have another date, it did feel relatively 'normal' as far as dates with gay men are concerned. LOL.

The next date, I was a bad boy and ditched. I had the protection of anonymity, since both of us did not know for whom we were looking.. which made it easier to ditch when I thought I saw the guy who could have been my date.  It just was not going to happen. I left, and ran home to my beloved and loyal dog, and ate ice cream on the couch. That was a much better option.

The next date, I was actually looking forward to, somewhat, although I was naturally guarded because of my past experiences. A man was very eager to meet with me.. English was his second language I believe.  He sounded very nice, and worked as a line cook part time at several restaurants around town. Oh, and he was very excited to meet me... his over enthusiastic emails over the course of 1 week demonstrated his eagerness.... which, in a way, was endearing, despite his broken English.  I conjured up visions of my Latin Line Cook, wondering what my Saturday night date was going to ensue.

Well, you know what happens often on Craigs List (CL)? We forgot to take the 'photo test' before we started to correspond over a longer period of time. I show my photo after 1 week of emails... he disappears from CyberSpace. Latin Line Cook Lover becomes Asshole.

Because I have become more seasoned at CL Trolling, this was not a surprise to me; in fact, it was a welcomed conclusion to a dinner that could have been extra awkward.  I am reminded of one of the most egregious ditchings of my gay dating life..... I was to meet a very handsome man for dinner.  After he asked me out, made the reservations and suggested a restaurant, I got stood up.... not only ONCE but TWICE....... even after re-scheduling the date, he ditched me date number two.  This was a lesson to me, that the CL Gay Scene can be full of tricksters and assholes you cannot trust, and one needs to be very street smart.

So, in summary: cheers to Latin Line Cook who, to my relief, refused to commit to the date.  I can hardly wait to see what happens when I go to one of his restaurants in a couple weeks for a happy hour with some friends.  Will he know who I am?  (hoo-hooo--haaa-haaa-haaaa-hhaaa) (Intonate this as an Evil Laugh)

Gross Married Man

I have gained some wisdom from the hollow hookup with Gross Married Man. After a good counseling session, a chat with a close pal, and some feedback from another close friend.... I think I realize that I indeed need to be comfortable with a partner before going to bed with them. Of course, this is not surprising, in hindsight..... but was surprising in a way, because given my fantasies, I would think that the hookup would have gone according to plan.  Not so.  This is same for hetero as for homo.  Also, as a friend told me, some people are so horny they could have sex with anything.  So, I guess I am glad that I learned my lesson.. and came out unscathed, still healthy, and most likely.... wiser.

As a blogger follower mentioned, it is like I am a teenager just trying to hook up, listening to hormones.  Yes, I guess this is true. In a way, I "missed" that part of my life.... when my peers were going through those phases in high school, they were aroused by women.  I'm reminded of a story back when I was in 7th grade, of a big party somebody had, in that 'pre-teen' phase.  Although no beer was there, guys and girls were getting in on.... PG stuff for the most part.. kissing, and touching.  I wanted nothing to do with that. I felt so uncomfortable, almost repulsed by the whole scene. What a fitting reaction, in hindsight. Perhaps gayness percolated as early as 7th grade? Who knows.  

So here I am... free to be aroused by people who I actually like. It's quite liberating in fact, to be 'allowed' to be who I am..... The other day, as I was thinking about my Gym Jock Friend, I was thinking to myself "Ah.. so this is what it must be like for straight guys when they're thinking about the cute girl... Duhhhhh". This opens up a more confident world for me.... even in just making new friends, regardless of straight of gay... I have a much better sense of who I am, which makes me more secure, and in turn, make new friends pretty easily.

So this is what coming out is all about, I gather.  Accepting yourself, embracing who you are, and maturing, all at the same time.  I wonder how coming out experiences differ between those at younger versus those at older ages.  It seems to me that the younger guys (college aged) in the 'Millenium Generation' are much more non-chalant about the whole thing.. where gayness is not such a traumatic thing as it's portrayed by older generations.  It's an intriguing question; and would actually be an interesting sociological study.

Ok, so Gross Married Man brought me to new levels, in unexpected ways... Do I thank my lucky stars for Gross Married Man? Perhaps. I just know I will never do that again.

Where Do the Golden Boys Come From?

I realize I use humor as a defense mechanism; as a way to cope with the difficult journey of homosexuality. I was confronted today with an interesting issue: one of my friends who I grew up with was very conscientious of my situation, and asked whether my gayness was common knowledge or not. This was a very important question... because this town is very small, and people talk.  It made me think twice about my casual talking about my situation, and I suddenly grasped the gravity of the situation, the gravity of that type of information lurking around my hometown, full of friends of my parents.. This really is the generation I am concerned about.. My contemporaries, I really don't mind. It's all the friends of my parents who I have grown so close to over the years, and according to my parents, are very fond of me...... Will this fondness fall away? I have always been so comfortable around people of all ages.. I cannot imagine having these acquaintances of my parents' generation suddenly fall away because of who I really am.  I have to stop twice and really think about this.... To me, it's no big deal because I have been thinking about these issues for so long, and have come to accept them.  I have told friends, and have created safe spaces with close pals.  But, what I have not anticipated was running into the older generation of friends in restaurants and public places around town. It is bound to happen.. as I go on dates with guys.  It gives me a stomach ache to think about the consequences and perceptions of this next phase of my journey...... I still consider myself floating in between Hetero and Homo..... still not quite sure what to expect from my homo experiences. I mean, say I try, and really honestly don't think it's me... do I then go back the other way? Do I still think it's a possibility that I'm NOT gay?  The further I get from my coming out, the more I am consciously assimilating myself into the gay frame of mind.. which begs the question of whether we socialize ourself into gayness, or if it is completely genetic, hands down? I just don't know. All I know, is that I get increase heart rate when I see a beautiful guy at the gym, especially at the pool. Should that be enough? I just saw a golden tanned body surfer-dude blond guy at the pool today, totally toned, and smokin' body, and it just made me want to say out loud... 'wow.. geeez.. Seriously!??!... where do you people COME from?"

Ready to Take Off the Training Wheels

I had a good session with my therapist today. She had some very practical advice, and very good feedback.

Regarding my CL connections and online correspondence, she gave me advice to say upfront my intentions, to weed out the wackos and to stand on firm ground. For example, I am not interested in a hookup, therefore, I state up front that this is not in the cards.  This is so crazy I even have to strategize about this stuff, but I have to learn to play the game if I choose to circulate on CL, which I may not want to after my misadventures from last week.

Regarding my dream about moving my dead body upstairs out of view from my parents, she mentioned that it was such an amazing lucid dream demonstrating that I have now put my old self out of view, away, in the past.... even to the shock and concern of my parents.  My subconscious is really quite telling.

Regarding my explorations and curiousities as a young kid at camp, she mentioned it is rather difficult at that age to disentangle whether same sex exploration is just that, or whether it's a predictor of sexual orientation. Of course, even guys who end up straight experimented in college and as kids. But, for me, I guess these feelings were much stronger, and never really faded.. even in high school, when I was not sexually attracted to my girlfriends (yet another sign).

Regarding a friendship which may be on the rocks, she mentioned that friendship just end sometimes, and one may be surprised at the reasons. People can be pretty black and white about some issues, including homosexuality. It therefore is not surprising to lose friends given my inclinations toward homosexuality. Should I still nurture this friendship, or let it go? My decision is to let it go, because I would rather not try to work things out with a friend who cannot accept me for who I am without having to argue my way and justify myself to him. It's just too stressful and not worth my time. Am I assuming these things are happening? Perhaps, or perhaps not. But, the ball is now not in my court, and if friendship is meant to happen, then something will occur to make it that way.

It was a good session to work through things, an although I am feeling less panicky and more at ease about things this week, I am still a bit melancholy, I guess about how my 'plans' to 'try out' the gay world are not necessarily as easy as I thought it was going to be. Why can't I just ride the bike for a while, to see if I can balance? I want to take off the training wheels.

A Friendship

He is my anchor, despite the miles between

A friendship that comforts during times of doubt

In him, I discovered myself.

I continue to have faith and hope. 

That yes, I have tapped into my soul and spirit

To the person I should be, and truly am. 

In reference to my first homosexual friendship starting almost a year ago as we continue to grow as friends.

I Just Want to Fucking Know Already Who I Am

As my Weight Watchers coach says, sometimes you just have to hit the reset button and not be so hard on yourself. I find this difficult with my sexuality issues.  I had a pretty stressful and busy week, slept on the couch, did not exercise, had kidney stone issues, and really just got into a rut about life.  Plus, I'm taking less medications, which probably is not a good idea given all these things going on.

So, I'm hitting the reset. I stayed away from work all day today, to give myself some distance, despite the work I still need to do.  I think this was the best thing I could do for myself to take a step back and wonder what is going on.  I was on verges of crying spells as well; and feel my mind racing a lot; getting onto negative thought cycles about my circumstances, and then doom and gloom set in..... then I get depressed. I bet you anything it's because I decreased my medications because I was trying to taper down.. then look what happened.

I just don't know anymore. Why the sexuality, companionship thing is dominating negative thoughts in my head lately, and why I'm so negative, and obsessed with it.  There must be a mixture of my mental state of mind mixed into this, and I'm eager to talk to counselor on Monday.

My dreams have been quite vivid this week, perhaps very telling of the etiology and roots of my sexual discoveries as a young kid. A lot of my dreams lately have rooted back to the camp I went to when I was little... this is when I remember having some of my first curious, homoerotic feelings.  One particular kid at camp, who was a friend of mine...... we had an 'experience' one time, for lack of better term, that was extremely erotic for me.  I hung onto that, I think, for years... because many of my sexual dreams that I had during my repressive years.. this friend was in those dreams.  He has been a recurring character in all of my sex dreams.... over the past... God, I guess, the past 15 years.  The other friend in my dream somebody from high school.  So, this past week: both of these friends were present in the dream; and we, plus my immediate family, were all at this camp together, doing pretty hardcore camp outs.

One of the dreams was extremely disturbing: I was moving my own dead body (corpse) from behind a refrigerator up to a room in a closet, before my parents found out.  During this task, the skin on my own body (my body that was alive) was flushing away, and I could not understand why.  My parents were terrified and furious at the same time, wondering what we were going to say to the dermatologist about how I was wasting away... but at the same time.. I think.. the curiousity was why I existed in 2 places: a dead body, and myself.

I just can't quite figure it out. I think I was putting my old body, my dead self, back into the closet... but my alive self.. was still going through a metamorphasis. it was absolutely strange. But I remember so clearly it was the camp I grew up at... and we were all there together.

Sometimes during these dreams, other characters show up that I had man crushes on during my life..... and when I think back, the dreams are pretty damn accurate about who I really did like.  Some are rooted in real experiences at camp. As a kid, I remember so clearly, the first day in the cabin as an 11 year old, my 23 year old counselor was changing in front of everybody, and he did not care that his penis was just right there in front of everybody sticking through his jeans as he was getting dressed. Gee. I had never seen anything like that before.  Were my roots of homosexuality realized at such an early age?  But at the same time, when all the guys were being macho and wanting to strut their stuff during skinny dipping, and such. or all the guys getting around the fire at end of night and peeing on it to put it out. ... I was so private about this, that I never participated... even though part of me craved to be a part of that.. to participate in this male bonding....

So as I accept myself now, at age 35, I want to recreate those images and experiences of fascination in which I was not allowed to fully engage, but now I want to.  Those times of innocence, which do not exist anymore. I want to go back, but I know that I cannot.  Everything seems so tainted now..... homoeroticism now seems to have the air of seediness, and not a natural curiousity of an adolescent.. before societal norms formed our judgements about what was right, what was wrong.

But I guess the guys who hang onto homoeroticism, and cannot let go of it, are the ones who are gay.  Can it ever be overcome? Can a gay man convert back to being straight? How does one really know if you are straight or gay, without having the experience?

I don't want to struggle with this anymore. I just want to fucking know already, who I am.

My deep desires for intimacy and companionship are not matching up to the realities that I am discovering

It seems like an endless battle, this homosexuality thing. Honestly, I wish it would just go away. I can't find dates, the whole homosexual culture seems so underground, uncomfortable, and unnatural. I am not sure if I will ever feel comfortable, which makes me wonder if I really am gay, or just have issues and fears of sexual intimacy. I hooked up with a guy the other night, and did not enjoy it at all.  It made me panic. It made me question where I am again in life.  I also agreed to go on a blind date last night, only to chicken out when I thought I saw the guy I was supposed to meet, and just go so uncomfortable I left the restaurant.  

I seem to be going backwards now. My progress is waning. Here I thought that I was making progress meeting guys and groups...  but the past 2 incidents have just not been good. Yes, I guess.. it was because they were on Craigs List. Why the fuck do I keep going back to that hopeless site, full of desperate horny men?  Yuck. What is my problem? I disgust myself with this homosexuality. It makes me want to run away from it, but if I do run away from it, I would risk being "homeless".

What do I do now? Part of me wonders whether I'm a bit depressed about this because I decreased my anti-anxiety meds a couple of weeks back because I am determined to get back to my 'old self'... meaning, my energy levels, my libido, my confidence levels..at the 'pre-coming out' crisis. I have this notion that now that I know (or think I know) I'm gay, I can just go back to ground zero with less medications since I have conquered and identified the root of the problem.. of the anxiety. 

But, my ups and downs are worse, my energy levels are up and down... although I did feel at an emotional high for pretty much 2 weeks straight, and am now getting worried and anxious. 

If I could change anything, I would: 

a) accept myself... my sexual tendencies, my worries, myself. 

b) be able to freely go on dates with normal acting men, not feeling like i'm in a seedy situation. 

c) would actually go on dates with women, and see if connection were there as well. 

I feel like I am not relaxed about this whole process. I feel like it's a project. I feel like I cannot just roll with the flow, because I cannot find a way to find the answer.  What if I'm wrong about myself? What if I'm just wasting my time barking up the wrong tree? Fuck, I don't know anymore. Is it a completely hopeless situation to be with a woman now,... now that I accept the fact that I fantasize about men and want to try having a boyfriend? Will I always have to deal with the melancholy of seeing my straight friends having this life of wife, kids, and family surrounding them, when I'm stuck in my own circumstances without a way to change them? 

I actually went to match.com to cruise women for a while, and was partially interested...wondered what it would be like to go back to that world... but then decided otherwise.  I miss certain parts of women... their smiles, their nurturing ways... their smiles.... but if I cannot get sexually excited by them, I have no business playing in that world anymore.. At least that's what I think.  I'm too scared to go back and find out, though.  

Just the thought of being in a sexual situation with a woman and not getting aroused is enough to make me run away.. it's a very deep fear of mine.  Maybe because being in that situation with a the lack of sexual response is a direct window into my vulnerabilities, my truths, as a man who wants to be sexually involved with another man..... and these truths could not be hidden, no matter how hard I tried.  That whole dynamic with being intimate with a woman is just so not what I want. I'm not sure whether it's because of the emotional rejections that are tied up within it, or whether I just want to be with a man.  Fuck. Why is this so difficult. 

Why can't I just accept who I am and go with it? Partially because I guess I have not accepted myself yet, or do not want to, or do not believe it.... or still can't quite seeing any of this work out. My theories and fantasies that I have built up, and have been a part of my being, my thoughts, my deep desires for intimacy and companionship, are not matching up to the realities that I am discovering.. and that scares the shit out of me..Because perhaps those notions of companionship are not in the cards for me at all, no matter how much I love, am compassionate, or am a good man to those around me. Please God, help me through this. I don't know what to do. 

  

I Need to Take 10 Showers to Feel Pure Again

I just don't understand so many things about myself now. I thought I did understand. What was I doing for all those months, working through all my fantasies, all my urges, all my longings.... does this failed hookup negate all of that hard work? Does it negate this new person I'm trying to become? Or does this just prove that sexual encounters, for me, need to only be within the context of trust, love, and attraction.  Perhaps it is the latter. I can't say for sure though.  Why can't there be certainty? I was thinking certainly that a safe harmless hookup would be a good litmus test. Instead, it has just generated more questions, rather than just answering the key one: Am I Gay? This is just so perplexing. I have heard the first encounter is always awful, and I never quite understood why. Maybe now I do.  But where to go next? Are these gay groups really appropriate, if I am not sure? If I am bisexual, maybe the group if fine.  Maybe if I just am celibate the rest of my life, and not define myself..I'll be fine. Fuck, I don't know. Why is this all the sudden so difficult again? I know that I have felt physical attraction towards males.....  In this case, there was no attraction.. it was just using each other for getting off.  God. I'm such a male slut. I need to take 10 showers and go to the gym to feel pure again. Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned.. big time.

What Do I Do Now?

I'm distraught... what the hell. What am I doing? How could I have gone for all these months thinking I would like it, and now it disgusted me so much I wanted to puke and go into a panic attack. This is SO fucked up. I  am crying now, sobbing..... what the hell.  What do I do now? I mean, seriously...... is all of this just a fucked  up notion I have.... I thought I was this, now I'm not... and I just went through all that shit for nothing? just thinking about what happened and what I did makes me feel dirty, gross, and fuck... it was so gross. I couldn't even get turned on... The same thing that happened with women..... This was totally opposite of anything and everything I had been fantasizing about. Am I still gay? Am I straight? Am I asexual? Do I just have performance anxiety? If I'm not gay, what do I do about all the people I told? What if I don't get erections for ANYBODY? How could I have strong fantasies for men, and then not work? Is it just because it's a hook up instead of a relationship/friendship? Jesus. This just confuses me MORE. ... Maybe it all has to do with anxiety during sexual intimacy... is that what this is ALL about? I mean... going through hell for 3 years to figure out that it's just some emotional issue, detached from anything sexual? Oh my God. I don't know whether to be relieved, panic, explore more, go into a hole, cry, or yell.  I better take my anxiety meds and go for a walk. God, i want to throw up.

I Am Sick to My Stomach

I don't think I'm gay.

Now I'm really fucked. 

I did not like it at all. 

Had a panic attack afterwards. 

What the fuck do I do now? 

Nasty... grosss. GROSSSSSSSSSsssssssssssssssssssssss. 

GROSsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. 

I took a shower, Ah nasty, God, I feel like puking. 

Creative Strategies and New Beginnings

Sometimes I feel like I spend just as much time creating strategies for work, as I do for navigating the gay world.  In my depressed mood yesterday, I decided to try more ideas..... including posting to the platonic section asking folks about gay friends networks around town; as well as posting information about gay Catholic groups.  Secondly, I decided to send out a much wider net on match.com, by searching for Christian guys within 500 miles of my current city.  Sending out 30 winks to cute guys, hopefully, will elicit some type of response... and whether these are just pen pal friendships, I'll take anything right now, just to provide some hope and support in this seemingly desolate world.  I feel like I'm caught in between the Homo and the Hetero worlds..... repulsed by the hook-up scene, the femmes, and completely at a loss on how to meet normal masculine gay guys who are like me.  I hope that this is a new beginning....    Within a few minutes of posting on CL platonic, I have already received 2 responses from nice guys in my same situation. This is encouraging.