Ready to Take Off the Training Wheels

I had a good session with my therapist today. She had some very practical advice, and very good feedback.

Regarding my CL connections and online correspondence, she gave me advice to say upfront my intentions, to weed out the wackos and to stand on firm ground. For example, I am not interested in a hookup, therefore, I state up front that this is not in the cards.  This is so crazy I even have to strategize about this stuff, but I have to learn to play the game if I choose to circulate on CL, which I may not want to after my misadventures from last week.

Regarding my dream about moving my dead body upstairs out of view from my parents, she mentioned that it was such an amazing lucid dream demonstrating that I have now put my old self out of view, away, in the past.... even to the shock and concern of my parents.  My subconscious is really quite telling.

Regarding my explorations and curiousities as a young kid at camp, she mentioned it is rather difficult at that age to disentangle whether same sex exploration is just that, or whether it's a predictor of sexual orientation. Of course, even guys who end up straight experimented in college and as kids. But, for me, I guess these feelings were much stronger, and never really faded.. even in high school, when I was not sexually attracted to my girlfriends (yet another sign).

Regarding a friendship which may be on the rocks, she mentioned that friendship just end sometimes, and one may be surprised at the reasons. People can be pretty black and white about some issues, including homosexuality. It therefore is not surprising to lose friends given my inclinations toward homosexuality. Should I still nurture this friendship, or let it go? My decision is to let it go, because I would rather not try to work things out with a friend who cannot accept me for who I am without having to argue my way and justify myself to him. It's just too stressful and not worth my time. Am I assuming these things are happening? Perhaps, or perhaps not. But, the ball is now not in my court, and if friendship is meant to happen, then something will occur to make it that way.

It was a good session to work through things, an although I am feeling less panicky and more at ease about things this week, I am still a bit melancholy, I guess about how my 'plans' to 'try out' the gay world are not necessarily as easy as I thought it was going to be. Why can't I just ride the bike for a while, to see if I can balance? I want to take off the training wheels.