What If I'm Wrong?

I'm going into one of my depression cycles again. I feel it coming on. I feel trapped and alone. My body aches for companionship. I have been doing this "solo" routine day-in and day-out for months... cannot find a date, cannot find intimacy. My feelings are exacerbated by boredom, and not knowing where my next job will be. I am getting tired of this.  The on-line chat things do not give me one bit of thrill anymore (which is probably good); and I am fearing my future.  Damn, I"m not even horny. I have a headache and feel like crap.  Why do these panic attacks come on simply by a cascade of negative thoughts?  I thought the medications are supposed to help.  I am scared,  bored, restless, alone.. with an uncertain future.  It makes me feel mixed up and ungrounded..  Why can't I just curl up and read a book, watch a movie? It's not that easy, for some reason... to relax indefinitely.  I have taken the steps though to volunteer many times next week.. cooking for the women's shelter......  I need to help somebody, be there for somebody, feel loved and needed.  Perhaps that will fill the void... to give towards others in greater need than myself. I pray to God that this uncertainty phase passes. How will I ultimately find peace as a half-confused straight/gay guy? It can be excruciating sometimes.  The online dating scene is completely based in lust; and one has to be "HOT" to even get a response back. What's the fucking point?  How to even break into the gay scene in any city for that matter must be difficult. Plus, I haven't even *been* with a man yet?!?  My God. What happened if all of this is wrong?

Let Me Go Far Away To My Own Land

I need to readjust my expectations, and I feel like I am not in control of my own situation or future.  It is very disconcerting.  The journey of my career and the journey of my sexuality are the two constants in my life right now.... .. and of course, how could they not be related, most especially if I want to settle in a city that allows me to completely start over, continue fashioning my identity.  My vision of the Pacific Northwest has come to a stand still, at least as of today as I hear the disappointing news of not getting a job offer.  I worry, oddly, that I may end up with the best career choice being in my home town.  Why is this a worry? It is rooted in fear of my identity.  When we go home after many years, we bring with us our personal successes, which in many cases include family.  In this case, I would go home to a town where many of my friends are established in their traditional Midwestern family circles, married, with kids.  Yes, I would be willing to chart my own territory and start anew in a town in which I grew up, but at the same time, I would be feeling like it would not be the ideal situation to start anew... because of the juxtaposition of my "new self" with "original self".  How to start in your own town as a newly outed gay man? In a town in which your own family is part of old society? How can a man who attempts to remake himself be surrounded by society and money which go against the grain of my being?  I fear this.  Friends of my parents seeking to set me up with people. Oh, he is still a bachelor? Let me set him up.  Just that in itself is uncomfortable. Why can't I go far away to my own land, where I know nobody... just to start anew?  I want this so badly.  I want the nature, the mountains, the lakes. This other midwestern town would not provide me that outlet for my spirit, my growth, my independence.  I fear that I may not be able to control the outcome, with exception of having hope for these next few interviews.

Fears Move Yet Again to the Forefront

I'm starting to get nervous..... a fear still....... creeps out when least expected. It is really disconcerting.... I think part of the reason is that the job search and potential to move to another city is becoming real. Yes, this is good and exciting and for the best, but at the same time, I let go of more than 7 years of a place I called home. I let go the comforts of close pals just down the street.

I go into a new world with a fresh perspective, a new identity. What scares me the most is the fear of whether I will ever have a partner, ever fall in love, ever build a family. Sometimes I feel like time is running out. I see the love of a family unit, the adventures and togetherness of this, and I feel a bit melancholy. I feel this way mostly because I know that I may not be able to ever create that.... create the traditional, storybook, family unit. This fact saddens me, and evokes a deeper visceral, quiet fear that gurgles in the background of my spirit. It is inescapable.

And I feel sad right now for leaving behind a friend in need of love...... it makes me feel lonely and depressed. I want to reach out to him, but I know that it makes the situation worse. That too, is inescapable. I need to move on, but I still have wounds to tend to, some wounds that I still can't heal, even after months of pondering and exploring.

I also realize that my goals of the career search perhaps could be reached sooner rather than later. Currently, I have no other projects to keep me busy.. which prompts me back to worrying about the homosexual problem.

Do these fears ever end? When will be able to seek solace, where can I seek refuge? Aloneness and solitude feels sad sometimes, despite the fruitfulness that it may bear in the future. I pray to God that I can start making progress on this search for peace and happiness, wherever this may lead me. I pray for strength to return back to counseling, to address these recent issues which are cropping up again... taking away energy.... worrying that is starting to take the forefront, instead of the backdrop.. of my daily life.

Feelings Rooted In a Fantasy World

As I gain distance after I removed myself from that potentially destructive relationship, I also gain perspective and objectivity.  First, I realize that I did have true feelings for him, despite the cyber-nature of our correspondence.  Furthermore, I am experiencing those feelings of loss associated with the hope that I placed into the relationship.  Second, I realize that my own idiosyncratic behaviors were in play in this relationship, as well as past ones.  I am struck by how easily I put aside my own principles and emotions for the good of the other person. I have suffered from this behavior countless time in the past.  But this time, in contrast to the past, I was able to identify these sacrifices, weigh them, and honestly state my feelings without fear.  Perhaps I did so fearlessly given the buffer zone of a chat room. For example, I never had the face-to-face interactions.  This protection of anonymity can be dangerous: we say things in a world of fantasy which may not ring true in reality.  How do I know whether I am saying these things to please the other person? Even worse, how many times did I say things in order to elicit a response, to satisfy a selfish pleasure?  In the cyber-world, these nuances of communication do not reveal themselves.  Truths remain hidden.  Your fantasies of one another become the basis of a relationship, and whether feelings and intentions are rooted in fantasy or reality remain murky, at best.  I thank God for my sense of intuition, to save me from these situations which could be self-destructive.  I now find myself in a better place... going to bed early, rising early, completing my projects and daily tasks to move my life forward.

Gentle and Kind Souls

I had an unexpectedly good time today at the Gay Hiking Group Lunch.  As I sat there, the 'gayness' factor began to fade, for we were just a group of nice guys sitting around chatting.  I actually made a friend.  All were kind. I was particularly struck by the kindness of one man who helped the hearing-impaired man into the conversation by writing down notes on the restaurant paper napkins. This struck me as genuine, kind, and real.  To society who bad mouths homosexuals, I would like to say that these acquaintances today were furthest from the stereotype.  One particular guy I actually hope a friendship will form. We have common academic interests, and he struck me as thoughtful, humble, kind, and gentle.  Really, I say to society: Wake Up and Get Real, Folks.  Don't let homophobia prevent you from exploring new frontiers, and don't let unfounded fears create societal barriers.

Three Lessons of Love

I feel a sadness, but I am not surprised.  I feel a sadness because the love and our caring for eachother was true, but so many barriers persisted. First, I realize that behaviors speak stronger than words.  If somebody truly loves you, they will make an effort to put aside their insecurities, they will trust you with their fears, they will become vulnerable in your arms.  If the behaviors are not consistent with the words, this indicates a potential underlying issue that must be addressed.  Second, I realize that sex in itself, not rooted in love, results in boredom which could turn to a mindless unhealthy habit if not identified early.  My conscience, thank goodness, spoke to me during this time of wandering. Though I do feel a loss by changing the nature of my cyber-relationship, I feel I can yet again nurture the longing for pure unadulterated love, not tarnished by cheap meaningless orgasms.  Third, I realize that love needs to be experienced "in the light", not in some secretive dark corner.  If one hides love out of shame or embarrassment, it cannot grow in a meaningful way.  I sit back in wonder at how I still learn about love, even in what society and religion would label as sinful relationships.

A Good Cyber-Breakup

I did what I had to do. I did end the online romance. I had to downgrade it to a friendship. I feel sorrow in my heart, but I think it is for the best.  We both admitted that it was an impossible situation, living thousands of miles apart.  I was more willing than he was to create reality from the fantasy.  I learned quite a few things though.  Despite the on-line nature, I did learn about love, communication, respect, and open-mindedness.  I also tasted just a bit of what it would be like to be in love with a man.  It felt good.  But in this situation, it was no sustainable.  We both held onto the fantasy until boredom set in, at least on my end.  He was half-expecting this to happen.... my getting bored, moving on.  I felt cheap and sick of the pornography.. made me feel disgusting and dirty.  I was tired of going to bed so fucking late, eating into my productive days.  I was putting so much energy into a relationship that would only be "internet relationship".  The thing that is interesting about this, is that I can point to the exact moment, or series of moments, that this started to go downhill for me.  This provides me courage that listening to my conscience is actually a good thing. In a way, I have had my first successful break-up ever in my life.  Wow.  Despite it being cyber in nature, we parted as close pals, understand eachothers' points of view.  Fuck. That has never happened to me.  In past relationships with women, I cannot identify or even communicate my needs or reasons, which results in my running away.  This time was different: it gave me a taste of the good that can come from being honest with yourself and others.... and still do so in a loving and caring manner.

An Unexpected Transformation? I Cannot Tell

Something has transformed within me... it's difficult to describe... yet it is a sense of peace and purity.  It happened during my corresponding with an on-line friend with whom we have an "intimate relationship", as close as that becomes on-line.  During our time together, my behavior changed.. and I caught myself in a lie.  I realized that I was telling this young guy that I was enjoying this time.... when in reality, at that very moment, it struck me that I was telling him what he wanted to hear, and my heart was not with him. My dishonesty was raw. From that period forward, a few things has happened. First, I realize that pure real love between to men does not need to be sexual, and in fact, it may be better if it is not sexual. Second, I have a sense of peace about me. For some reason, the convergence of the job prospects, the hope of a new life and of starting over, has brought a sense of peace, confidence, and contentment that can overcome any feelings of hollow lust.  Third, I miss the idea of a loving woman by my side, nurturing me, with her head on my chest, my shoulder.  Am I truly just living a gay fantasy that is not rooted in reality? Has this entire journey the past 2 years been in vain? Have I been set free? I do not know.  I just know that the darkness has begun to subside, and I have new life, and new hope ahead........... and I am free to love.

Diffusion of Gayness

It is those same familiar feelings, repeating, and getting stronger, as I identify more with my sexual orientation. When I meet a new guy friend that I find attractive, I get those butterflies in my stomach, feeling like a kid again, wanting to be noticed, wanting to become best friends, and see what happens. God damn it. It happens every fucking time.

• Why am I angry about it? 
• Why am I frustrated? 
• Why can't I just accept that I am sexually attracted to certain men?

I was at a Catholic wedding tonight...of an acquaintance from what I refer to as my "previous life", of immersing myself into Catholicism: Bible studies; nightly prayer; memorization of Scripture verses. It was such an odd juxtaposition..... like peering back into my old life. So many questions left unanswered:

• Why was I trying so hard to be connected to that traditional form of love within the structure of a Catholic relationship? 
• Why could I not recognize in the midst of my relationship that I was uncomfortable with my girlfriend? 
• Why did I keep clinging to that ritualistic way of Catholic life that I ascribed to for so long? 
• Why do I now feel that I was talking myself into those beliefs? 
• Why am I questioning the bedrock of my religious and spiritual values, those which re-emerged during my rediscovery of my Catholicism?
• Why do my feelings of faith and spirituality feel less strong now, compared to then? 
• By questioning the value of my previous habits of prayer and meditation, do I reject core beliefs of my Christian faith? 

Despite my struggles, I felt a sense of peace at the wedding. I did not mind being by myself. I was perfectly content, but at the same time, a bit melancholy about how I feel different around other people... how I harbor this difference in my soul that will most likely prevent me from living this traditional life. These traditional lives are portrayed as a story-book. I rationalized to myself that despite this image, that I would most likely not feel comfortable forcing myself into love with a woman, only to again, push down that inner curiosity of being with a man. I long for that deep, masculine connection of brotherhood and love, which may only be fully realized in a homosexual relationship.

Compared to past weddings when I would fantasize about my own future wedding, in today's wedding I had more realistic, bittersweet, and melancholic feelings. Today I did not think about my own future wedding. Today, I wondered why homosexuals cannot declare the sanctity of their love, publicly, in a house of worship. Today, I wondered whether homosexuality is a choice, or whether it is pre-determined. Today, I tried to let go of my clinging to my past, and tried to feel grateful for my relationship with God, and the feelings that I have identified and reconciled within my heart, spirit, and soul. Today, I felt able to celebrate that a marriage between a husband and a wife is one of many ways to express and carry out God's plan for us.  Perhaps that is not in my deck of cards, to get married to a woman.  Perhaps I can better serve the world, my family, my friends, and my career, by being single. Perhaps I can better nurture friendships as a single man, as I already know I do well.

As I ponder these questions, to overarching questions about my sexuality pervade in my mind:

• Why Do I Have To Be The Way That I Am?
• Am I Truly The Way I Think I Am?

All I know is that the more I experience interactions with attractive, smart, and witty males, what returns is that old familiar sense of longing for a deep emotional intimate relationship.  Furthermore, the more I embrace this quality about myself, the more I accept this quality, allowing it to diffuse into my being.  In the past, I may have shoved these feelings away in shame, an unhealthy repression that led to ongoing guilt and confusion. But now, instead of shoving away, I try to dive into the feeling and explore it.  Additionally, I use these familiar emotions as a way to guide my path and identify my own truths.