These Movies Speak to the Truth

I watched another gay movie tonight.. this is three in the past month..... and I really do like these movies. They play upon the themes of my own struggles, and taps into my truths, my pain, my soul..... and allows me to take ownership of who I am, and who I am becoming.  The chords strike so true that I cry. I am brought back to parts of my journey, and the unique path that has been put in front of me. I want that community, that feeling of love... I want to be loved in a deep and intimate way.. and for now, I must hold on and wait... and believe it will happen... the right man will be in my life. And, I am so relieved that I am starting to visualize this type of scenario, which before, to me, seemed troubling, wrong, and impossible.

Snapping Out of the Doldrums

The evenings are always much more difficult for me when I am relaxed and am not motivated to do any of my hobbies, reading, or extracurricular activities. I get hung up on my loneliness. The next morning I feel like an idiot because I could have used that time to do the hobbies and activities that I enjoy, and claim I never have time to do! Why does this happen? The cycles of emotions.  I need to have some type of mechanism for 'snapping out' of my doldrums when they indeed occur.  I mean, the entry last night, however poetic, was pretty morose and depressing. The mind is a powerful thing and getting entrapped in your own emotions can be dangerous and counterproductive.

Soulful Limbo

I feel alone. It is silent, and my thoughts are not confident, not hopeful. I feel slow and alone with no control in how to change my circumstances... I get scared about dating, but want dating. I fantasize, but I hypothesize... and I wonder... where is this all going. It is Christmas Eve and I feel alone. It is silent, and my thoughts are not at peace, but are worried, with no place to settle in for a warm night's sleep.  I search for an intimacy with another being, that does not keep me alone in a blanket, with swimming wandering thoughts that lead me to fear something I do not know, or do not have.... to fear the very thing I do have: which is aloneness... How does it get easier, and how does one cope with solitude, knowing the future is uncertain; knowing that one's actions cannot lead you to the place which should provide you peace. It's a restlessness that causes a sadness, a sadness that is deeper in the soul, a worn sadness which has been pacing for years, with no answers.  When sadness cannot shed a tear, it is worn. To not know where to turn, it remains in soulful limbo.

Musings of Angst

It's like an ache that hits the pit of the stomach when a cute, handsome, athletic, and friendly man walks into a room. An attraction that cannot be denied. The ache is exacerbated by negative thoughts of not being able to find a man, fufill this need for male intimacy.  The ache reminds me of the challenges of my current state of being, brings me back to the conundrum of being a gay man in a straight society.  The ache brings me back to the cold truths of the circumstances that I must face with confidence, patience, and clarity. I cannot say it is easy, but I can say that these moments in time remind me of how far I have come, as well as how far I have to go, before acheiving a sense of peace that will set my heart free.

Self-Awareness Of a More 'Purified' State of Mind

My goal is to cease taking my anti-anxiety medications, which I began taking 2.5 years ago in response to my coming out crisis, in conjunction with all my other life's difficulties happening concurrently, including purchasing a house, breaking up from my girlfriend, and coping with an awful, career-halting, job as a research analyst.

As I have slowly dosed down over the past 2 months, I have noticed very subtle, yet important, changes in my mood and behaviors. First, I tend to get emotional much more quickly, whether that is anger, irritation, stress, sadness, or horniness.  Second, my thought patterns are much 'faster' now, increasing my ability to be more productive and creative as a professor on my writings and research plans and strategies.  The latter is unbelievably cool; the former is a bit cumbersome. I figure that with my heightened awareness of my boundaries, I will be able to deal with the first issue (emotional turbulence) using preventivie measures such as behavior modification, and changing my environment to prevent stressful outbreak when necessary.  If I know my triggers, I can either avoid the situation entirely, or I can just be OK with my transient emotional states as long as they have a shortened latency period.

What is so liberating about this experience is that I can 'go back' to my 'former self', but OMIT the insecurities associated with gayness, coming out, guilt, and low self-esteem. In contrast, I can now live out my life with gayness, self-assurance, high confidence, and hope. In the past, my circular thought patterns occuring 'sans medication, pre-coming out' involved guilt, disgust, and fear about being attracted to men. The medication and psychotherpy over 2.5 years have lessened these fears, enough to be able to lessen the medications.  Now, the thought patterns that I may have 'sans medication, post-coming out' are just the standard fare that most people have: when will I ever find a date! LOL.  I mean, I guess I should not minimize the situation, but I must admit it is much more comforting to be worried about finding a date, versus worrying about an identity crisis!   My 'faster thoughts', occuring as a result of less medications, can be directed toward loving my friends and family, devoting myself to hard work within academia, and embracing my creative and 'life-embracing' side of my personality.

I like to think that I can now be in a 'pure' state again... without medications... back to how I was, but substantially healed from my initial coming out journey.

When Will "There" Happen?

It happened.. it was bound to happen. I accidentally sent out a gay blog entry on my non-blog gay entry and quickly had to rescind it. Crap. OK.. so fine, I am clearly still partially in the closet if I actually CARE about this.. but damn... did it go out already? I mean, I gave this other link to parents, family friends, people who don't know about my gay status, and hopefully it did not feed into their RSS feeds before I had a chance to delete it... wow.

OK.. .breathe.... 10 deep breaths... Not that this matters, but my reaction I am having is enough to clue me in that I'm not quite "there" yet.   

What is "there"?

When will "there" happen?

Man Crushes: Then and Now

Man-crushes are plentiful and in high gear.... In the past, these feelings would result in internalized fear, guilt, and cover-up. In the present, these feelings result in happiness, confirmation, and hope.

Challenges of Confirming Gayness Status

Jumping through the hoops of being a newly out gay guy is a difficult but exciting challenge. I joke to myself that any cute gay guy my age that does not have a ring on his finger or a gal by his side is a candidate for friendship and maybe more. Of course, I may set myself up for disappointment, but I think the worst thing that could happen is that I end up being surrounded by good looking straight guys with whom I can be pals.

That indeed is not a bad side effect, but it does not bring me to the ultimate goal: finding potential dates, and then seeing what happens.  It's an odd dynamic now, because I actually find myself with 'potentials'. I am hanging out with a guy for coffee next Monday. I think he is really handsome and intelligent. So, what the challenge now, as I start to go out with gay guys, is to be completely honest with my intentions.. both to myself, and the other person...

I am tempted to just go out on dates and get to know people as I get to know more people in the city. There is a new twist to all this dating / getting to know people business: is that you do not know whether the man is gay or straight unless you a) meet them through match.com; b) know through word of mouth; c) have them mention they have a girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend.  I guess even c) is not fool proof, because I have an ex girlfriend.

There is somebody I have a crush on and am wondering if he is gay. ugh. how does one tell? My gay-dar has failed me in the past....... am I wrong, or evil, to pursue a friendship in hopes that a man is gay? and then just guard my heart until I know what the deal is?

I must say, it's pretty fucking liberating to be excited about my sexuality; and have some hope there could be some men out there that are my type.  It makes me much more at ease with my 'situation', and gives me hope. This hope spills into joy and peace into other parts of my life, which then results in positive feedback loop of having wonderful people around me with whom I want to share my life. Not bad thus far. I am just curious about the gayness status of a few folks.. :)    

6 Weeks Of Progress And Challenges

I always get a bit apprehensive before going to the therapist... sometimes I feel a need to justify how I have progressed since the last time.... a way to keep me accountable. More than anything, though, I think that periodic check-ins provide motivation for me to do a 'check-in', and taking a step back on my progress.

So, here is my checklist of accomplishments and challenges the past 6 weeks:

Accomplishments:

1) Bought the book recommended to help me through anxiety... medication-free.
2) Safely dosing down on my medications...... which is having positive side effects to my energy, confidence, and general disposition.
3) Have cut out my co-dependency cycle with an internet friend.....
4) Have made progress on decreasing my addiction to CL surfing, and less temptation for hook-ups
5) Have made progress in my faith: feeling at 'home' at a new Catholic church.
6) New friendships forming: a) high school friend; b) new friend from gym; c) PhD student; d) MSW student
7) have now lost 23 pounds since July....
8) My facebook 'leniency'.

Challenges:

1) New friendships with straight guys I find attractive.
2) Psychiatrist search: dynamics with parents and insurance coverage barriers.
3) Emotions surfaced after watching a film...
4) Am I stuck in a stage? How do I progress?
5) New friends: revealing gayness (facebook: becoming more lenient.. a good idea or not?)

And if that is not enough.... the final stage of coming out involves moving through the stages of grief..

from... http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/kubler_ross.htm

The Extended Grief Cycle

The Extended Grief Cycle can be shown as in the chart below, indicating the roller-coaster ride of activity and passivity as the person wriggles and turns in their desperate efforts to avoid the change.

 

The initial state before the cycle is received is stable, at least in terms of the subsequent reaction on hearing the bad news. Compared with the ups and downs to come, even if there is some variation, this is indeed a stable state.

And then, into the calm of this relative paradise, a bombshell bursts...

• Shock stage*: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
• Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
• Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
• Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
• Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
• Testing stage*: Seeking realistic solutions.
• Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

* This model is extended slightly from the original Kubler-Ross model, which does not explicitly include the Shock and Testing stages. These stages however are often useful to understand and facilitating change.

The Cass Model: Stages of Coming Out

Taken from: http://allies.tamu.edu/resources/stages.htm

Stages in Coming Out

"Coming out is a process that happens again and again; it is not just a one time deal and it does not follow a linear course. It occurs initially when one acknowledges to oneself (most important and difficult aspect of coming out) and to others that one is gay, lesbian or bisexual. One claims that orientation as his/her own and begins to be more or less public with it.

Coming out to themselves is one of the hardest steps in developing a positive gay/lesbian/bisexual identity for gay men, lesbians, and bisexuals. It involves much soul searching and introspection and a good healthy sense of self-appreciation and acceptance. 

Coming out to others involves other risks and difficulties depending on who that person is coming out to , how engaged they are with them, how much power they have in the relationship, and how accepting they are.

Why come out? It is a necessary part of developing a healthy and positive identity as a gay/lesbian/bisexual individual. It is more honest and real, and ends the stress of hiding or keeping a secret and living a double life. It reduces isolation and alienation and allows for increased support from other gay/lesbian/bisexual people. It allows LesBiGay people to live a fuller life.

What are people afraid of? Rejection and loss of relationship, especially family and friends who do not understand or approve. The real possibility of harassment and abuse from others, ranging from verbal insults to physical violence against them or their possessions. Real possibility of institutionalized discrimination and prejudice. For example, losing a job, not being hired for a career, being denied housing and other equal opportunity rights.

There are stage development theories that attempt to describe the process of coming out. 

Cass is the most widely known and used. Her model includes six stages that are not necessarily mutually exclusive"

Stages of Coming Out

I	Identity Confusion	Sees self as member of mainstream group. Denial of inner feelings.	Who am I?Am I different?
II	Identity Comparison	Begin to come out of the "fog."	Maybe I am gay.I'm alone. What are gay people like?
III	Identity Tolerance	Encounter someone or something that breaks through the denial system.	I accept the possibility that I may be gay.Where are other gay people?
IV	Identity Acceptance	Exploring subculture activities, readings, etc.	I am gay.Am I okay? I can come out to some people.
V	Identity Pride	Feel arrogance/pride in new identity and deep rage toward majority culture. May adopt/heighten stereotypical behaviors or characteristics (i.e. "I'm different and proud of it!". May isolate self from mainstream values and activities.	I am proud to be gay.I don't (and won't) pass for straight.
VI	Identity Synthesis	Acceptance and integration of new identity. May go through five stages of grief to let go of old identity and all advantages of heterosexual privilege. Internalize pride/positive feelings about identity. Typically is "out" (with friends, family, at work). More at peace with self.	I am an okay person who happens to be gay.

And I Still Don't Like Saying I'm Gay Even Though I Now Rent Gay Films (and think they are good!)

It was like I was him.... my heart sank when his did, my heart wrenched when his did. I remember the times when I hit the bottle during times of distress and confusion. Coming to terms with my sexuality.. the early days... were rough. I watched a movie tonight, that brought me back in touch with those same feelings of awkwardness, fear, insecurity.... wow. I was watching myself on film.. it was, actually startling...... but also encouraging, scary, comforting.. all simultaneously.....It brought back my own memories of awkwardness, insecurities... that if were filmed, would have been so similar to the scenes portrayed in this film....  even the exact phrases used... thought processes....... 

I remember those times of being just so utterly confused, yet knowing the truth about myself, and so scared.. that the only thing I could do was grab a few beers and drink by myself and get depressed.... It was a comfort... to let go... and just accept the fact that I did not know what the fuck I was going to do. 

I remember countless times feeling like a wallflower at college parties.... shy, awkward.. but desperately seeking attention..... there was a quiet neediness running through me... the etiology, unknown.. I felt I was different, but could not identify this, or understand why...  

The end of this movie was hopeful...... as he begins to accept himself, tell his best friend, and even accept that he did not really know fully his sexuality.... he is able to smile and relax.... 

It is interesting in the few gay films I have watched the past couple weeks, they seem to place the coming out experience, all the emotions, stages of grief, acceptance.. and portray these as occurring over a 3 week period... In reality, though, is this the case? 

I am realizing that good, well-produced and thought out gay films about relationships are good. It is a way to explore the emotions that I have been through, and will go through... in a different dimension. Perhaps this is the next area of discovery..... good gay films....... For, if it is a good film, I am always struck about how I can relate to the emotions of some of the characters.... to the point where I can almost reach back and feel my own experience........ Perhaps just another piece of the puzzle... another confirmation.. that I am....... gay.... maybe. I still have trouble saying that.