A Survival Guide to the Gay Underground of Craig's List

I'll never forget the initial thrill of surfing the m4m advertisements on Craigs List, only to find that the thrills eventually turned to either fear, disgust, self-loathing, and self-defeat.  Thank goodness to the present date, I have not "hooked up", and I don't plan on it.  Dangers are everywhere, to say the least.  It is predominantly a means for hooking up, not finding a date or a relationship.

Please be advised that the content below is uncensored and can be pretty nasty and offensive. These are a compilation of my observations while surfing the CL male-for-male dating section. Yes, it is lewd, offensive, and disturbing, which is one reason why I do not suggest it as the best way to find a date, or a relationship for that matter. 

In this entry, I will describe some of my observations from being on CL, perhaps shamefully, a bit too much this year.  But, it is what it is. I was curious what it was all about.  Also, I will describe some typical trends. Finally, I will share some of my top stories from my own experiences.  Hopefully, this will provide some entertainment, education, and to those interested in hearing about this counterculture without even having to go there yourself.

But first, a glossary of terms:

Glossary of Terms: 

• CL: Craig's List
• str8: straight 
• bi-curious: one who identifies as straight, but is curious about being with a guy. 
• bottom: one who wants to "take it from behind" 
• top: one who wants to "give it from behind"
• stats: when asked about your stats, you give your age, weight, penis size, and description (cut, or uncut), and whether you are DDF (drug and disease free).
• uncut: uncircumcised
• cut: circumcised
• ddf: disease and drug-free
• nsa: no strings attached (as in: sex with no strings attached)
• GF: girlfriend
• BF: boyfriend
• femme: an effeminate acting guy
• jo: jacking off; masterbation 

Segregated Sections Based upon Ad Content: 

• One section is purely for hook-ups. Some guys post a repeated ad every 3 days. Pictures are usually graphic.
• One section is purely platonic. Despite this, some guys post ads on these in hopes of more discreet relationships on the down-low. 
• One section is for those interested in long-term relationships, not just sex.

Common entries across all advertisement sections:

• Men wanting to give or provide massages
• Men providing private gyms in their houses so you can go "work out" there. 
• Gay men wanting to clean your house
• Men seeking out "jack off" buddies (most especially: self-proclaimed str8 guys who just want to play with a dude)
• Pure hook ups that happen at private homes, motels, hotels, or even cars (yep, not kidding on this one)
• Married guys in town for business wanting to hook-up with a dude. 
• Straight guys (supposedly?) who want to hook up with guys while their girlfriends are out of town.
• Those ads with photos in theory grab more attention. 
• Posting photos (of landscapes or a JPG of a school logo, etc) instead of photos of yourself maintains anonymity but can still grab attention of those surfing through the ads, since some people will only query ads that have photos attached.

Some personal stories about my CL experience in trying to meet guys:

1) One time I posted an ad for meetup.com group on the "platonic" site, in hopes of target advertising. What resulted from this was some email exchanges with a middle-aged man interested in hearing more about the meetup.com group.  One thing led to another, and eventually the person told me he knew who I was, after I shared a bit too much information about myself.  That incident scared the shit out of me, and I ran back into the closet pretty quickly.

2) One time I posted an almost angry, frustrated posting that said something to the effect of "Trying to come out, and can't find a date, WTF?".  It was unbelievable how many responses I received, and the cross section of individuals from which I received emails.

• One of the most disturbing email exchanges was with an older man who cussed me out over email for being a hypocrite, after I politely told him I was not interested in going on a date with a much older man. 
• One of the most encouraging emails came from a guy in his last 30's who sounded very grounded, well-adjusted, and talented.  He proceeded to provide his opinion of the gay scene in the triangle, which was pretty funny, and educational at the same time.  According to what I have read, the Triangle has a distinct gay culture, I guess, to which many feel it is very "cliquish".  This same guy proceeded to give me a sketch of the "development" of a gay man :)  For example, what happens during his college years, his 20's, and his 30's. He had some very interesting opinions about how men coming out in college may be in danger of adopting all that is in the 'stereotypical gay" culture, in a way, obscuring their own talents, idiosyncracies, and traits which may run counter to the "gay" culture to which they are trying to adapt. 
• One email came from a very nice, genuine individual about my age. I could actually see this turning into a friendship because we had common interests. 
• Finally, emails from 2 different individuals responding to my "WTF" advertisement led to my first dates. 

3) Several times I posted ads to try to screen down the freaks responding, really trying to find masculine dudes, who were Christian, athletic, etc.  Those led to some emails back and forth, but never materialized into actual dates.

Lessons Learned: 

• CL is a hookup fest (doesn't take a PhD to figure that out)
• I do *NOT* want a hook-up to be my first-time experience.
• Targeted advertising (crafting ads with certain words, characteristics you are looking for) may work to grab attention of certain type of person you're trying to find, but still beware. There are a lot of nut jobs out there who just want a blowjob.
• Don't be surprised if people engage in conversation over emails for a while, but then drop you after they see your photograph for the first time. That goes with the territory, unless of course you are an Abercrombie model.

Is Having A Gay Sexual Fantasy a Litmus Test for Being Gay?

Would it be crazy to admit that I want to date a guy in order to confirm that I'm going down the right path? I mean, let me be frank about another fear of mine: What happens if this is all in my head? Are my fantasies just a some type of psychosexual by-product of past sexual intimacy issues? I can't deny that my relationships with women have been fucked up, but what was the cause: my hypothetical gayness, or the dynamics of the relationship? Who will ever know? The head games have been plaguing me for years, hence the urgent need to break up with my most recent girlfriend. When things got serious, I had to be honest with myself, and with her.  I had no choice but to openly admit I was questioning my sexuality, and had been secretly doing so for years. 

 My logic thus far for why I think I am gay are 2 fold: 

1) my failure to have healthy sexual intimacy with women
2) discrete events i can identify from my past that demonstrates my attraction to guys.  

So, what gives? What else is a psychiatrist to say? Or friends, or family? I've heard the pro-heterosexual arguments of how erections can be hindered by dysfunctional relationships, but I am *so* tired of hearing these "hopeful" arguments from my parents and select friends.  How could many attempts for sex over two years lead to erectile issues due to a dysfunctional relationship? The simple biological response of sexual attraction and erections would overpower those other factors at least in some situations, I would guess.  According to my straight friends, they still can get erections after fights with their spouses.

So for those who continue the arguments of how somebody can be "cured" of homosexuality; from what I have recently read, one needs to be careful to make the distinction between homosexual behavior by the "true" homosexual versus the "true" heterosexual.  For the heterosexual engaging in homosexual behavior as an experimental phase, this person may in fact be able be "cured" of homosexual behavior if their true sexual attraction falls more with somebody of the opposite sex.  For the true homosexual engaging in homosexual behavior, this person I would argue cannot be "cured", since their biological and emotional responses to men cannot necessarily be changed. The phenomenon of sexual attraction, which I would argue is innate, may happen between a man and a woman, woman and woman, man and man.  In turn, sexual fantasies may be a by-product of this natural attraction. Just has a heterosexual man may be inclined to fantasize (most of the time) about women when masturbating, a homosexual man may be inclined to fantasize (most of the time) about men. If it is "easier", so to speak, for a so-called heterosexual man to fantasize about being with a man, it may not be necessarily a bad thing for this man to question his sexuality and explore a bit. In fact, I would argue that exploration is better than repression, the latter of which causes latent guilt, depression, and anxiety.

So, I would put it out there: that one potential litmus test for homosexuality is being honest with yourself about your sexual fantasies. Let's get it out there: fantasies can be in during your actual dreams; as well as those you cook up when you are either masturbating by yourself, or having sexual relations with your partner. How many of these fantasies are gay? How many are straight? Most guys, although will not admit, have had same-sex sexual fantasies. I used this to rationalize my behavior for years.  But, the difference between a homosexual and a heterosexual would be the *prevalence* of gay fantasies over straight fantasies.

So, despite my own personal convictions, being "almost sure" I am gay, I'm continually frustrated at how difficult it is to **move on***.  First, I'm not the type to have a one-night stand; second, all on-line encounters have been sketchy at best; third: i'm afraid I won't find the ideal guy for me, especially since my own homophobic feelings are still present.  For example, I don't identify with effeminate gay men; it's actually a huge turn off. In contrast, I would identify with a masculine male who appeared to be straight, especially one who had family values, kindness and compassion, and a good solid sense of self-awareness. Does this exist only in straight men? If so, I'm screwed.

So, my journey continues. Yes, I have had 2 dates with 2 different guys. But, my next goal: repeat dates with the same dude; with whom I have  a "connection"; a feeling that I have yet to experience with a gay guy.

So boys, continue your fantasies, and be true to yourselves. If you are straight and have a rare gay dream here and again, don't freak out.  If you are in the closet, and have had consistently repeated gay dreams, examine yourself a bit more. Dare to delve into your deepest fears or truths. You'll be amazed at what you find, and how you grow. 

Parental Breakthrough

I welcome my first weekend of freedom, to what I could refer to as my personal "sabbatical". My last day of work was last Friday; so I now have an indeterminate amount to time to figure out what is next.  I sat at dinner tonight with my dog, eating a simple meal of couscous, red beans, salsa, corn, and a glass of red wine; with some Jack Johnson playing in the background. I'm trying not to focus on the negative, most of which is the unending sexuality issue; but the positive: new job, new places, new opportunities.

My parents had  breakthrough last week: they both went to therapy to talk specifically about how to deal with my sexuality issues.  I was relieved to hear my dad feel a sense of understanding of my situation, which was incredibly encouraging. Despite my gripes about my parents in a previous entry, I must admit I feel blessed that they do love me unconditionally and are taking the steps for therapy themselves, to really try to work through things. In the same 15 minute conversation, dad said 2 times how much they have been thinking about me, and working through some things. It sounded like they had some important insights from the psychiatrist, who has coached our whole family through many issues the past 30 years.

Self-Discovery Through Experience or Knowledge? A Tale of Two Identities

I have realized at a much deeper level the source of despair which has been ever present the past 2 weeks: in a very real way: I have 2 identities up in the air: my personal identity and my professional identity.  Additionally, I have 2 choices: to fight my circumstances, or to embrace my circumstances.

For the personal identity, I move in a slow, naive, and cumbersome manner.  Assumptions of the interactions between women and men during the dating process go out the window. For example, I was told that telling a guy that I have recently come out is a "liability", in other words, I have extra baggage.  The guy who has been out for a while already does not want to deal with the dude who still has issues with his sexuality.  Another example: a guy was hesitant to go out with me again because he was not interested in sex. Wow. Did he know who he was talking to? In my meek attempt to explain myself over email, I dug a hole for myself, and managed to scare the guy off. What the fuck? Why does a guy want to go on a date, if he doesn't want to see where things go? So goddamn confusing. And then the guy I will refer to as N.  So good looking, full of empty promises. Still not a word from him.  And then the guy I will call Ass. I don't think there is a better word for him. His classic words of wisdom to me was to make sure I get a blowjob as soon as possible....After asking if I was a "top" or a "bottom" (see the future Craig's List Column editorial), he walked me to my car and told me he wanted to feel me up.  Are these "gay" dating issues, or "dating" issues? I have no road signs in this new world.  There are rules I do not know about.  Things I'm not sure I even *want* to know about. Am I even gay after all, if I think all this is a bunch of bullshit that makes me uncomfortable and want to just be single, and say the hell with it?

For my work identity, I try to move in an impulsive, fast-paced manner, only to be slowed down by confusion and a sense of being overwhelmed. What do I really want? If I think a job sounds good, how do I really feel once I get into the situation? What components are important? Is there a job that I can thrive in, that does not exacerbate my anxiety and depression?

And in the midst of these 2 identities up in the air, is my mental health which is wreaking havoc. Is this the cause or the effect of such crazy circumstances?

And I now see the commonalities between these searches for identity: I go on a full scale search to explore, and figure things out. That is the only way to discover myself: to jump in.  But, if there is nothing to jump into, or test the waters, where is the path to self-discovery?  I would argue that one needs to taste, feel, hear, and touch to experience what stirs your soul.  I would further argue that constantly thinking about things, ruminating, journalling, and unending therapy just serves to exacerbate the stillness, and the quandry.

I seek a balance: therapy, journalling, and prayer to identify my needs; and seeking out experience to validate the other truths.  This is what I seek. My truths. To validate them, and to delve deeper into my soulful spirit.

I Know My Truths, So Why Do I Feel the Need to Justify to Others? WTF?

I understand that I need counselling to discern all these stressful events: quitting my job; anxiety; depression;sexual identity. In fact, it's monstrous how many things I am coping with right now. So, yes, I agree I need counselling for the long term. 

What I do not understand is how my mother thinks I'm jumping the gun when I'm saying I'm coming out.  It's like she thinks that I'm making an uninformed decision about myself without seeking regular counseling first; that my off and on counselling is not sufficient for me to figure myself out.  It's ridiculous.  I agree I need counselling for the coming out process; but to have somebody question whether I'm ready for it is infuriating when she doesn't even understand what it is like to be in this situation.  Why do I even feel the need to justify myself to my mom when it comes to my sexuality? Don't people understand that shrinks can only do so much. They help us become honest with ourselves, and identify behaviors, thoughts from the past that help us conclude who we are.  I've never been so honest with myself in my life. I could write a list (and in fact, I already have) about signs of my attraction to guys. Who can argue with that? It's so fucking frustrating to have to justify myself to people; when I KNOW who I am!! Damn it it pisses me off. 

Now, that being said, I can see the viewpoint of my parents that I do need counseling for my mental health, independent of the sexual identity crisis.  It's gotten to the point, though, that I know that one of the roots of all of this is the sexual identity.  And I don't need an counselor to tell me that. I just need a counselor to help me through how to accept and deal with the truth. 

So, I know the truths about myself intimately. It's when I feel cornered and need to justify them to somebody else, to make them understand, as they say "are you sure"; rationalizing that I am just confused, and have had bad relationships, I say: STOP. I am not having this conversation with you anymore to justify who I am.  I agree that I need to seek professional help for coping, but I am not going to waste my energy convincing you that I know my sexual identify much better than you do.

Part of Me Wonders....

I'm just trying to survive my last few days here at work...... .. even these last weeks, i cannot seem to succeed in work-life balance. I wonder whether this will be the case no matter what job I end up taking. I worry.  And I wonder where did all my motivation go? If I do want to pursue academia, I would have to have a source of energy that is not in me right now. Where would that energy originate? Do I really like research?

I have also noticed another change this week: this job search / career shift has distracted me from the homosexuality issue. Part of me wonders: is that because I'm not gay, or is that because I'm going through a major life change with my career?

It's difficult within 3 or 4 weeks to finally realize that a career path that you envisioned yourself taking is not realistic, is not for you.

And these life changes are in parallel: coming out; career shift. It's draining. I just wish I reach some type of resolution or plan soon.

An Extreme Makeover: Phase I

I woke up 20 pounds heavier. My health went to crap the past 2 years: mentally, and physically. I think back to before girlfriend (at the time) moved to my hometown.. I was just out of my graduate school program, exercising daily, doing my post-doc.  Then: a new job; girlfriend moves to town; juggling things back and forth. Then the house hunt. Then the questioning of my sexuality; then the depression; adapting to my job.... ..  

I weighed myself this morning. Usually, I just take this in stride, just check every once in a while, keeping things in check. Doctor says I need to watch my weight b/c of my kidney problem. hypertension, high cholesterol, family history of heart disease... Constant battle... 

And I realize that this battle of keeping myself physically in shape is directly linked to my mental health as well.  If I am in a job that seems structureless; competitive, and requires myself putting on the boundaries, I tend to put my own needs on hold. Eat like crap; don't exercise regularly; non-structured daily routine. So now the time has come: permanent change in my health starting with an Extreme Makeover.

I take stock in what I have gone through the past 3 months:

1) come to terms with my sexuality. 

2) have gone on a couple of dates with dudes. 

3) have come out to the rest of my closest friends. 

4) have identified that my job sucks, and have resigned. 

My main goals the next 3 months are to:  

1) discern my next job calling

2) lose 20 pounds

3) donate any excess belongings that I do not need anymore. 

4) go on a road trip out West.

Stay tuned........

Half-Way Out of the Closet Without a Job

So I resigned from my job yesterday. I feel liberated, yet a bit apprehensive at the same time.  It's been a crazy month on all fronts. After an amazing trip up to the Boundary Waters for a reunion at a camp that I went to for 5 summers in a row as a kid, I was inspired to change my life. Sometimes one goes to nature, and just hopes for spiritual experiences that don't happen. That trip was transforming. Going back to that sacred spot which was a source of growth and maturation as a little kid took on a new meaning. It was what I needed to grow closer to truths.


So, I digress. I came back from the MN trip, and decided to come out to a few more close people in my life, and then start meeting some gay guys through friends. I started signing up for meetup.com groups. Asking guys on dates. I jumped in fully. 


But then I quit my job.  This was a parallel drama with the coming out process.  This job was not taking me anywhere. I was not enthusiastic about the projects. But, I was also depressed because of the state of my life. I'm not sure if I will ever know which came first: the depression, or the job dissatisfaction, but either way, the truth is: I needed to leave. 


So here I am.  Half-way out of the closet with no job. I'm free. I guess. At least for a few months. I need a plan. This begins with job networking, and a road trip out West with my Puppy Leif my Goldendoodle. Destinations still unknown.  Possibilities include: Seattle, Chicago, Madison, Denver, Kansas City.  Stops may include dog parks, friends' houses, state parks, and of course, future places of employment. Of course I will need to find the local Camp Bow Wow during those interview days.....  Lots to plan, but what a cool adventure. 


So, I'm off to a new start, feeling inspired to start my new life. New cities could bring better opportunities for finding male companions; for finding a job with a better fit.  So, to be continued.....