I have realized at a much deeper level the source of despair which has been ever present the past 2 weeks: in a very real way: I have 2 identities up in the air: my personal identity and my professional identity. Additionally, I have 2 choices: to fight my circumstances, or to embrace my circumstances.
For the personal identity, I move in a slow, naive, and cumbersome manner. Assumptions of the interactions between women and men during the dating process go out the window. For example, I was told that telling a guy that I have recently come out is a "liability", in other words, I have extra baggage. The guy who has been out for a while already does not want to deal with the dude who still has issues with his sexuality. Another example: a guy was hesitant to go out with me again because he was not interested in sex. Wow. Did he know who he was talking to? In my meek attempt to explain myself over email, I dug a hole for myself, and managed to scare the guy off. What the fuck? Why does a guy want to go on a date, if he doesn't want to see where things go? So goddamn confusing. And then the guy I will refer to as N. So good looking, full of empty promises. Still not a word from him. And then the guy I will call Ass. I don't think there is a better word for him. His classic words of wisdom to me was to make sure I get a blowjob as soon as possible....After asking if I was a "top" or a "bottom" (see the future Craig's List Column editorial), he walked me to my car and told me he wanted to feel me up. Are these "gay" dating issues, or "dating" issues? I have no road signs in this new world. There are rules I do not know about. Things I'm not sure I even *want* to know about. Am I even gay after all, if I think all this is a bunch of bullshit that makes me uncomfortable and want to just be single, and say the hell with it?
For my work identity, I try to move in an impulsive, fast-paced manner, only to be slowed down by confusion and a sense of being overwhelmed. What do I really want? If I think a job sounds good, how do I really feel once I get into the situation? What components are important? Is there a job that I can thrive in, that does not exacerbate my anxiety and depression?
And in the midst of these 2 identities up in the air, is my mental health which is wreaking havoc. Is this the cause or the effect of such crazy circumstances?
And I now see the commonalities between these searches for identity: I go on a full scale search to explore, and figure things out. That is the only way to discover myself: to jump in. But, if there is nothing to jump into, or test the waters, where is the path to self-discovery? I would argue that one needs to taste, feel, hear, and touch to experience what stirs your soul. I would further argue that constantly thinking about things, ruminating, journalling, and unending therapy just serves to exacerbate the stillness, and the quandry.
I seek a balance: therapy, journalling, and prayer to identify my needs; and seeking out experience to validate the other truths. This is what I seek. My truths. To validate them, and to delve deeper into my soulful spirit.
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I am going through and re-reading my blog... and really like this passage:
ReplyDelete"And I now see the commonalities between these searches for identity: I go on a full scale search to explore, and figure things out. That is the only way to discover myself: to jump in. But, if there is nothing to jump into, or test the waters, where is the path to self-discovery? I would argue that one needs to taste, feel, hear, and touch to experience what stirs your soul. I would further argue that constantly thinking about things, ruminating, journalling, and unending therapy just serves to exacerbate the stillness, and the quandry".
Specifically, "But, if there is nothing to jump into, or test the waters, where is the path to self-discovery?".
This speaks volumes to me, still. Even 3 years later when I'm having difficulty even finding dates... is it true that you need to solidify your sexual identify by having sex?
I was yet again thinking about the issues I present in this passage... about whether having the sexual experience proves your gayness. Well at this point, I have had 2 experiences... one that did not go so well; another that went OK.. and at the end, I felt like it did nothing to further solidify my identity. All it did was prove that I could enjoy being physical with a man. Perhaps, I say, this is a good start. Another item that strikes me in this passage was the angst of my career identity. I have fully addressed that, and have grown fully into a new career as a Professor, which I truly embrace, enjoy, and value. So many of the aspects of 'work' that I searched for in past jobs have been found in this job as a Professor. I have time to fulfill my own research direction; I can serve on committees and feel a part of something 'bigger than myself'; I can put my creativity toward building lectures that contribute to students learning material that I already find fascinating and stimulating. I have found something that I can call my own, and I am forever grateful.
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