Fuck.. Take Me Back to Normalcy Again

Feel like an idiot with a problem who finally came to my senses after a couple of bad nights of trying to find a hook up. Who the fuck am I? I am not sure what to even attribute this to except.. a few changes... my medication decrease. When I start to dose down, I start to get impulsive and obsessive, and my mind starts to work on high gear. I feel it. It feels great. I'm creative, I feel productive... but at the same time, I get impulsive.

Getting impulsive on CL is not the best strategy, and I was saved.. yet again.. by the circumstances that always occur on a hookup site: idiots who do not follow through.  Indeed, thank god for this. I was so eager for a hookup the other night... and apparently another athletic guy was as well... until he claimed he got pulled over by the cops on the way to see me and had to call it a night. In the meantime, I was sweating bullets with a panic attack halfway hoping the dude would not show up.

Fuck. I feel like this is true confessions. But seriously.... either I have a problem with sex addiction, a shade of manic-depression, an underdose of medication, or a combination of all of these. It's just in time for therapy tomorrow afternoon.. thank God.. where I can outlay some of these issues.

I want to be at a crossroads.. ... now that my homosexuality is not a source of enormous fear as it was 3 years ago, I want to get off the medications. But, if getting off the medications means it is difficult to manage my ups and downs... what do I do?  I admit, I like the 'ups' of being on less dose.. I'm getting more done at work, I have a libido, I have more energy..  BUT.. when the lows hit  (last night, for instance)... it's time to get out the panic attack meds... fuck, my stomach was hurling, my mind was racing after 4 hours of surfing for CL hookups..  Fuck...Fuck.. Fuck.. this is NOT me.... I want normalcy again.

One of those cycles again

Fuck. I had a productive day yesterday... where my mind was churning effectively.. and was wiped out by the end of the day. I have this gut instinct that when I am dosing down on my meds, I work more rapidly, and get slightly more manic than usual. It feels great. I get a ton done, but then.. the downside to this: is getting disappointed when I cannot hit my goals during the evening and I get completely off track.

Off track.. means...... getting lazy on couch, surfing craigslist... and then it's all over. Sex surfing in hopes of a hookup can drag me into the rest of the night, completely wasting my time.. then I fall asleep on the couch, and then my whole night/day gets fucked up.

So, is it the medication decrease causing this horny surge, which I do not mind.. but... how can I curb the obsessive behavior of porn, and also not get so tired at work after working my brain a million miles a minute?

It seems like a trade-off... either I am completely stable with no libido; or I am sufficiently horny but feel it difficult to draw my boundaries for what I would call my 'manic' moments.. then I get tired and crash, and it throws off my whole fucking day and task list.

Time for another therapy session.  I want to so badly get off these medications, but if it means that I fall into cycles of porn, hookups, crashing after an almost 'manic' day of working way too fast because I have all this energy..... what the fuck do I do?

Exploring the Past Led To Forgotten Remnants

Continued to a small town in KS where I spent many a holiday vacations with my family and grandparents on their Ranch. It was sold in the late 80's,  the last time I was there. I retraced my steps and found the old property. Completely in the middle of nowhere on a lonely country road, and the expanse of land overlooking the lake. Beautiful. But, bittersweet, because the land had been abandoned, and the front gates barb wired shut, and grass overgrown, with only remnants of the original gravel road showing. Of all those days and nights during my childhood exploring and spending time on the ranch, it was like walking through a ghost wasteland. It was heavy moment, most especially when I approached the ranch house plot about 1 mile down the gravel road.. only to see a heap of burnt wood, masonry, and broken glass. It must have burnt down.. and was just forgotten about. It made me extremely sad... my dog and I hiked back up to the car.. also to notice that the original caretaker's house that was about 1 mile in the distance was also gone, and the only thing left standing was an old metal barn. Nobody could be seen for miles, No cattle, no cars. Just my vivid memories juxtaposed next to this beautiful day with just outlines of my childhood pasttimes.

Yes, I sound dramatic, but I guess I am a dramatic, old soul. I really was crushed seeing that ranch house destroyed. Not that it's good or bad.. just sad. Almost as if the present owners were not honoring the past. It would have been a totally different experience if people lived there, even if they had redone the house completely differently. To find it completely tossed aside was heartbreaking. It threw me into a funk for about 8 hours.. then I decided it was time to pick up and keep going.
Oddly, I went on the trip to embrace and try to capture my love of outdoors, and try to relive my past in a way. It was a shock to be met with this unexpected set of emotions. Yes, it was a beautiful day.. which made it even more bittersweet. I swear I was waiting for the tumbleweeds to roll by, and the vultures or crows to descend upon some dead carcass.
 
So it is time to get back up and continue... My mind dreams about a cabin in the woods.. getting all Thoreau whenever I want to..... to capture the values and activities that feeds my soul.. but then I think about the practicality of it all, and the expense of keeping up a property.  Maybe I should keep dreaming... because I want a retreat that I can call my own. And despite my not having a partner in my life, at least I can build my own memories at a place I can call mine.

Searching For The Future

I'm searching for something and I do not know what it is.. I see the emotions on the television, see the love, the drama.... and part of me wants that love, wants the security.... and I cannot find it. This weekend, I followed a spontaneous instinct to go on an overnight roadtrip to a place of my childhood.. my grandparents ranch. When I got there, I discovered that the owner who had bought the land from my grandparents have all but abandoned the place,... the ranch house had burnt down, and all that was left was the rubble, the charred wood, the melted metal, and broken glass. Would I have been better off not going back, and just allowing the childhood memory to persist over time? It is now tarnished... To see a place that was so virbrant in my mind, now dead, abandoned, forgotten.. was eerie, sobering, depressing.  It left an impression on me..... demonstrating that life is transient... that memories and love are what persist, and even though the physical remnants of the past may die away and decay, the memories are what give us hope to continue.  I walked through the front gate which had been chained shut, with weeds overgrown; the road leading down to the now burnt down ranch house was overgrown. This was in stark contrast to the memories that persist so vividly in my mind of our past experiences there.... to be walking through the past.. of what seemed like a ghost... what was left in the present was just a shadow from the past... almost as if the past was not honored as sacred or important.  It was left there, exposed to the elements, the twisted metal, the singed wooden beams. It was a shock... and it made me think more about mortality, life, and death.  I thought to myself as I drove back home was the stark reality of my being gay turned to the dark side, of thinking I would never had a family of my own, never be able to build the memories around a home, a tradition, a loving family.  To this, I fear... it is this that I fear the most, that I will be alone, and not be able to build any memories or traditions that can live on to the next generation. What grandmom and grandad built was a family of immortal memories and love.. .which can be done in a traditional family.  What can be done in a non-traditional family? What can be done if we cannot find a loving partner because no venue exists in which to meet people? Can we in fact control our future whatsoever? If not, will I ever be able to build traditions and memories that can be cherished by my descendants? I am not sure, but I hold on to the hope.  I think that is why I grab on so tightly to the idea of having a cabin of some sort... a retreat.. which I can call my own.  Although I do not have a partner with whom to share it with yet, perhaps I will in the future.