Continued to a small town in KS where I spent many a holiday vacations with my family and grandparents on their Ranch. It was sold in the late 80's, the last time I was there. I retraced my steps and found the old property. Completely in the middle of nowhere on a lonely country road, and the expanse of land overlooking the lake. Beautiful. But, bittersweet, because the land had been abandoned, and the front gates barb wired shut, and grass overgrown, with only remnants of the original gravel road showing. Of all those days and nights during my childhood exploring and spending time on the ranch, it was like walking through a ghost wasteland. It was heavy moment, most especially when I approached the ranch house plot about 1 mile down the gravel road.. only to see a heap of burnt wood, masonry, and broken glass. It must have burnt down.. and was just forgotten about. It made me extremely sad... my dog and I hiked back up to the car.. also to notice that the original caretaker's house that was about 1 mile in the distance was also gone, and the only thing left standing was an old metal barn. Nobody could be seen for miles, No cattle, no cars. Just my vivid memories juxtaposed next to this beautiful day with just outlines of my childhood pasttimes.
Yes, I sound dramatic, but I guess I am a dramatic, old soul. I really was crushed seeing that ranch house destroyed. Not that it's good or bad.. just sad. Almost as if the present owners were not honoring the past. It would have been a totally different experience if people lived there, even if they had redone the house completely differently. To find it completely tossed aside was heartbreaking. It threw me into a funk for about 8 hours.. then I decided it was time to pick up and keep going.
Oddly, I went on the trip to embrace and try to capture my love of outdoors, and try to relive my past in a way. It was a shock to be met with this unexpected set of emotions. Yes, it was a beautiful day.. which made it even more bittersweet. I swear I was waiting for the tumbleweeds to roll by, and the vultures or crows to descend upon some dead carcass.
So it is time to get back up and continue... My mind dreams about a cabin in the woods.. getting all Thoreau whenever I want to..... to capture the values and activities that feeds my soul.. but then I think about the practicality of it all, and the expense of keeping up a property. Maybe I should keep dreaming... because I want a retreat that I can call my own. And despite my not having a partner in my life, at least I can build my own memories at a place I can call mine.
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I spent my summer afternoons and weekend at my grandfather's camp....he had built it himself, back in the days when no laws were around to prevent you from building right over the water if you wanted to. So he did. So he could fish right off his front porch. And we kids jumped off the porch (and the porch rails, for more height) into the water, and even off the flat roof into the water. So much fun! But now the camp is sold. We can still see it on the lake, but it is in disrepair. These old memories are hard. Not having access to that place, and then seeing it kinda drooping....sad.
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