Back In the Game: Observations in the Gay Online Culture

I have new hope for the dating game, the hunt, if you will.  Having set my location and zip code for my new city, I see a new set of faces with potential.  I have learned some tricks about the online dating scene..... especially who to avoid.  Some of the rules I'll play by to hunt for a genuine date or new friends:

• Do not bother emailing guys who do not spend any time on their profile (interests,etc) no matter how hot they may be. 
• Avoid guys who have their bare chested body as their primary photo....  
• Look at their friends and their profiles to see if they seem legitimate. 

You can screen certain people out simply by looking at the photo.. Sadly, this is true.  But, it may also be helpful to avoid all the "male sluts" (for lack of better term), as well as least tell if you could be remotely attracted to the guy before you communicate with them.

After 9 months of skimming ads for guys, I think I have seen it all.. and can categorize them pretty easily..... Gay men come in all shapes, sizes, attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors.  The general public (or homophobics) would be surprised to see very handsome masculine guys on these websites, who seem genuine and want to be in a relationship.  For me, this is very encouraging, and gives me hope.

Another thing that I have experienced in my coming out process is less fear of rejection... I am willing to put myself out there, and not worry about the outcome as much.  In the past, my fear of rejection was tied into the failure to get aroused by women... which made it extremely difficult to face rejection and stand up for myself.

For that latter insight, some would argue that I could possibly be attracted to women still, but could "work out my issues on physical intimacy" to increase my self confidence around women.  In theory, this sounds great. In practice, though, I know my fantasies and sources of arousal....... and these can't be 'worked on".. for I would argue they are innate...

In Practice and in Theory: Consequences of Lust on the Soul

Excuse the graphic nature of this entry... but I have decided to become philosophical about the temptation of pornography, and how this occurs depending upon how grounded you can stay during idle times or boredom.

With more time on my hands, I give into lust much more easily..........the world is full of temptations that can rot the mind, and numb the conscience.. if one does not set boundaries and is careful.  Whenever I get myself into these states of mind, in hindsight, I always feel like I could have used my time much more productively, instead of obsessing about sex and lustful images....

It is not that I feel guilty for looking at porn every now and again....but it is the the "after taste", if you will.... of how I feel after wasting my time with it.... thinking I could have filled this time with much more "live-giving" activities and hobbies which would fulfill me much longer and deeper than porn and orgasms..

So, these feelings.. these bad "after tastes", I would attest to as our conscience guiding us, identifying these behaviors as "sinful".....  What I mean by "sinful", are behaviors that result in getting us off kilter, out of our healthy behaviors that result in deeper fulfillment and purpose in life. As an aside, I think that modern culture is quick to dismiss the importance of being aware of "sin".  As a Christian, I have come to understand sin as any behaviors which result in obscuring our sense of peace and centeredness....  In another way, I could say sins are behaviors which obscure our view of God....

I am not condemning sex, masterbation at all.... but I think it would be important to distinguish the consequences of each of these depending upon the context.  Sex and masterbation in a loving relationship is not necessarily toxic, if it is done out of mutual love, and to pleasure eachother equally.  Sex and masterbation, though, in the absence of love, trust, and relationship....... if once is tuned into your conscience... may result in this bad "after taste", if you will.... once the transient feelings of lust have come and gone.  It may be seen as hole that never can be filled, no matter how many times you dump a bucket of water to fill the hole.  Empty sex does not nurture the soul, in fact, it erodes it further into meaningless despair.

I just wish more people could understand that the reason people turn to vices, such as empty sex, drugs, etc. etc... is that they are trying to fill an empty void... and are having difficulty finding out how to fill this void.  Addictions are rooted in this.... and truly are.... a source of despair.....  I would venture to argue that anybody with addictions, of any sort, need to try to identify the source of emptiness in their lives, and delve into that fear and live through it.. directly.

We all fall into these vices....... sometimes, I would say, it's a good release to let loose every now and again...... but when it turns into empty habits that starts to affect health, relationships, and a balanced outlook on life... these vices can take over our souls and prevent us from living our full potential.

I write this, obviously, as a man who has struggled endlessly with lust, sexual attractions to males, etc.  It has been a difficult journey, separating out what about homosexuality is "sinful" and what is *not* sinful.  I realize that universal truths exist for both homosexuals and heterosexuals: empty sex is not the healthiest thing for you... ideally, one wants sex in the context of love and caring relationship.... ..

I would not say that all those who have had "hook ups" are going to burn in hell.... .. I'm just saying that hook ups are not the "ideal situation" in which to express your sexuality and find deep fulfillment in life.

As such, it does make sense that young adults, especially in college, during many times of exploration, search for their identity... and part of this journey, is a mixture of experimentation, hooking up... a quest to fill that ultimate desire and feeling of love and relationship with others.  I admit...... that getting drunk and having a hook up must feel amazing.... and awesome.....  it does capture that "high" of feeling connect with a human being....   but.. at the end... (of the night.....)..  if nothing can be abstracted from those laisons except for the pursuit of self-gratification....  I would hypothesize that this erodes the spirit, and causes one a bit of depression and need for re-examining where you should lead your life.

I do pontificate these issues, somewhat in theory... but also in practice (at least, in cyber-practice).. where I truly have *felt* the difference between connections with love, and connections for the purpose of just self-gratification.  My soul, my mind, my heart. feels off center with the latter circumstances.  I attribute this to my ability to read my conscience, and tell when I am in a situation which is not very good for me...

I cannot help but be a thinking during this time in my life... between jobs... I am flying solo, in a way... although I am not in a relationship right now, I do feel like I have a relationship with God, during which I can examine these issues, turning over every stone, to try to explore my mind, my sexuality, my conscience...  And during these ponderings, it leads to truths and enlightenment about human behavior in general.

I hope and pray that these insights and prayers and thoughts are not in vain, and that I am at least building some type of treasure of wisdom from which I can draw during my future relationships, and life in general..

I have been told I am a thinker... perhaps too much of a thinker... but I would not change that for the world. As I sit here and think about these deeper issues in life, I feel a sense of fulfillment and wonder.... and I hope to pass this on to others.

To What Extent Do I Venture Into the Gay World In Order To Find Myself?

I will be moving back home in a couple of months, after having landed a job as an assistant professor.  I feel pretty good, full of hope, as I look forward to new opportunities, new people, new challenges, new career dynamics all within a familiar city with friends and family.  


I do keep tucked away in the back of my mind the sexuality journey.  Although I did put it on the backburner the past few months, I honestly have not really thought about it much, or explored my spiritual growth.  I want to feel connected again to that self-actualization. I must admit, though, that I have given up here in my current city, given  that finding dates has led absolutely nowhere, plus I have no real incentive to begin anything given I will be leaving in 2 months. 


So, I look forward to moving back to this city.. my hometown.....  where I have already explored online groups, and scoped out what I could of the gay scene by looking at dating sites and other resources.  I am still fearful,,, but not in the same way as before..... I am fearful of new challenges not yet experienced.  I still have longings, I still have goals, fears, and new steps toward furthering my self-actualization.. I am not sure which one will lead to *love*... 


Perhaps all of these? 

• become part of social groups within my interests that are not exclusively gay... like museum groups; outdoor clubs, university-based social activities. 
• try dating sites again, in a different city.. see if I experience a different vibe, or get more responses. 
• go to Catholic gay support groups...... 
• become involved in young adult Catholic groups 

This is what I fear... 

• having to respond to old friends asking about my love life. 
• once I become a "member" of a gay group, I am fully admitting that label unto myself... which may not necessarily be true until I experience being with a guy. 
• that I am jumping the gun on calling myself gay... 
• that I am averse to seeking ongoing counseling, since I have not been satisfied yet here with anybody I have seen. 

These are the events that eventually will present further challenges.. especially within my hometown. 

• dating a man, and the boundaries of bringing my partner to various family events where friends would not know I am out. 
• actually having a boyfriend... and introducing to parents. 
• outright homophobia from acquaintances  as I come out of the closet more and more.... 
• calling myself homosexual.. I still feel anxiety in my stomach. 
• leaving the safety of my current city, where I have already come out to my closest friends....  Now, I feel like I will have to start all over again in Town #2. 

So, I'm still not there, I have not fully accepted myself, or have I been able to fully explore my sexual potential.  Now that I have my job secured, and my house on the market, and my plans to move on to the next chapter of my life....... I hope that the next chapter of my sexual orientation will present itself as well.  


The question I ask myself is: how active should I be in pursuing homosexual relations? If I choose to live in a straight world most of the time, since that is where I feel most comfortable, will I ever be able to extend myself far enough into the gay world in order to even meet somebody?  


I again will be charting into unknown waters as I move back to my hometown.  But this time, the uncertainty and fear is laced with some thrill and excitement... which is a welcoming emotion given the rocky times I have had the past two years.  I have faith that when I do meet somebody, the emotions will fit into place, and these current worries will fade away.