A Summary of Themes

Overview

I am starting to gather my thoughts for my eventual book, which will stem from many of my blog entries. After my therapy session yesterday, which went swimmingly, I was inspired to gain perspective on my life the past 3 years over a bagel, cream cheese, and coffee at Panera. The following is what I came up with; primarily focusing on either 'themes', 'stages of development'. Of course, a coming out tale is not simply a chronological story in stages, it involves the back and forth of transient thoughts, worries, and elations that oscillate up and down depending upon the stage one is experiencing.  Therefore, that is why it would be important to tell my tale in two ways: chronologically, as well as 'thematic'.  The chronological order provides evidence and insight on how the human mind adjusts to such a crisis of identity; the 'themeatic' presentation would shed insights on the thought processes that have permeated my life the past 3 years, regardless of the 'stage' I am experiencing. Apart from the 'themes' I also have funny stories that have popped up along the way, in order to infuse some humor into this whole journey. I think all dimensions would be important to include in a tale of coming out, in order to present the multi-textured experience of what it is like to go through such a dramatic period.

 

After my therapy session, I felt this need to express myself, and want to be able to help people that are going through the same thing I did... I felt a need to reach out, gain empathy, explain, educate. The sorrows and tragedies of the gay teen suicides has been weighing on me as well.... thinking about how tragic this is for the families, and wondering.... and hoping.... that some understanding will grow out of such tragic horrific losses. 

 

One of the challenges my therapist brought up today was educating my parents about how to talk about my personal life (with set boundaries) with them, and to help ease more people into comfort about a topic that is so familiar to me, yet taboo and unknown to others.  I need to keep that in mind as well; that the shock factor to others may be very real; to me, shock factors are muted at the very least.... and speaking about my journey, my insights, and my explorations may be a bit too much for some audiences.. This type of thing I need to keep in mind when thinking about the goals as well as the content of a book.

 

Another common theme/insight prevalent in my blog entries has been the contrast between 'lust' and 'reason', and how hormones and lust can completely wipe out any logic/reason for your behavior.. Something that I have picked up on is how these hormonal rages seem to occur during times of lonely desparation, when you have the illusion that sex will satisfy those empty feelings, at least temporarily.  After the hormonal rage has ended, and the 'business has been done' so to speak, the rational thoughts come back in, and question why the lust was even needed in the first place.  I don't quite know how to keep my hormones in check, how to not 'scratch the itch' so to speak when the urge arises.  Religion teaches us that satisfying sexual urges is a bad thing... because we should allow our power of choice, love, and conscience to override biological urges. That reasoning looks fantastic on paper, and in books of theology and religion, but in practice, who are we kidding? Are we supposed to ignore biological urges? Does masterbation, for real, make us less moral? Honestly, I do not understand the moral arguments against masterbation. In fact, I think that those arguments are bullshit to be quite frank. That being said, I do agree that everything (everything, sex included) should be done in moderation as to not flood the mind and body with gluttonous habits of self-indulgence..... But satisfying a sexual urge now and again is not going to send us into fiery hell. Just my thought. I'm not an expert in theology; i'm just an expert of my own body, emotions, soul, and conscience. 

 

So, I digress.....  I meant to be addressing my themes of coming out, and will continue as such.

 

THEMES OF THE BOOK:

 

1) Stark Reminders of Change..

 

• Dramatic detrimental, downward shift in physical and mental health, 2 week priorr to outing.
• Literally immobilized by fear of immiment truth; in evidence of sleepless nights
• Feelings of isolation, loneliness.
• Dramatic periods of depression manifested by loss in work productivity; in sleep; in eating habits.
• the outing night: emotional release marked by confusion; fear, uncertainty; relief; shock; disbelief.
• the outing night: urgent care for medications; a full night of sleep in more than 3 weeks.
• cancelling all social plans with current friends out of fear; and a period needed for healing.
• simultaenous stress: of physical/mental anxiety; work stresses; relationship breakup;house purchase

 

2) Calling In for Help: first stages.. immediately...

 

• parents; a gay friend; urgent care (most immediate)
• psychiatrist: immediate help for anxiety; and depression.
• medications: doseages; types; psychotherapy; talking out the mess of emotions.

 

3) Therapy: Challenges and Successes

 

• weekly counseling.
• gingerly walking around the issue of sexuality; first talk about anxiety.
• cognitive therapy: helped with ancillary issues.
• denial stage: still very prevalent. 
• therapists: which ones and why were ones more successful than others?  
• philosophies of pscyhotherapy: when are you 'healed'?

 

4) Coming Out: The Early Days

 

• early on: still just a handful of people.
• parents: in stages over time.....
• cautious and wishful thinking was not true.
• 'questioning sexuality' was a good cover.
• self-doubt: cognitive dissonance; mind games; impressionable from others; second guessing

 

5) Feeling Out the Scene: 'safely'.

 

• early experiences on Craigs list
• the first dates; the irrational fears of still being in the closet
• online friendships and escapades

 

6) The First Dates

 

• awkwardness
• culture shock
• what are you 'supposed' to do, or behave
• the faux pas
• getting screwed over; my naivite
•  hookups: when, how, why.. and what happenend? 'what's up with hookups
•  being a slut takes too much energy.
•  the gay bar: first time; what was strange and fun about it and how expectations shifted.

 

7) The First groups

•  outdoor club
•  young gay group
•  catholic group
•  going to other church services

 

8) Expectations and Interactions:

 

• just sex, or friendship plus sex?
• how to communicate your needs? wants?
• experimentation only? or is that wrong?
• moral dilemmas; feelings of homophobia
• feelings of discomfort, in the wrong place.
• the gaydar: truth or fiction?  
• why/how are people bi?
• why the hookup culture so prevalent? getting naked should not proceed having emotional intimacy

 

9) Early Emotional Toils

 

• severe breakdowns and crying spells prompted by anxiety and hopeless despair
• some breakdowns sparked by combination of despair (personal life); medication shift (physical); and work stresses (career) converging at once on a particular evenings at home alone.
• major emotional breakdowns: a) ones alone; b) ones where need to go to friend's house; c) argument with   parents on phone; d) in-person breakdown at home on vacation.

 

10) My Coping Strategies

 

• online friendship and phone or webcam sex.
• blogging, journalling.
• drinking (earlier on in the times of severe depression)
• therapy
• emotional breakdowns (letting them happen)
• coming out.... more and more.. to friends.
• keeping my hormones in check: the challenge. why is this needed?
• Henri Nouwen and spiritual readings: and book group... spritiual growth to aid in self-awarness/reflection
• obsessive searching for support groups, books, issues, to educate myself.. and satifsy my curiousity.
• all of these: led to increasing comfort level.
• being a thinker: this whole coming out process could take a toll; and needed to step back away from the 'train' so to speak to maintain perspective and sanity.
• reminders to myself: sexuality is only one aspect of one's personality; do not ignore other interests ad passions in life (i.e: still involve onself in straight friendships, and straight social gatherings, etc)

11) Coming Out: Unexpected Outcomes

 

• friendships strengthened; new friendships formed.
• fears of 'putting myself into a box'
• fears subsided; insecurities faded slowly
• emotional healing; self-acceptance
• decreased anxiety; increased confidence
• increased skills of identifying and voicing my needs... in many settings
• less fear of voicing my opinion; becoming less outspoken
• less caught up in the worries of how people perceive me... which in the past, would immoblize me
• strengthening my ability to cope with losses.
• strengthens my confidence; accepting my own identify and feeling good to be who I am.
•  greater emotional intimacy with male and female friends... safe spaces created, were unexpected.
•  family understanding. 
•  how much of the inner toiling is in the mind; especially for people who are so sensitive to how people react to them, etc.
• unexpected 'activism': a need to speak out.. an energy within me.
• accepting my man crushes.. helps me become excited to discover who i am..
• shock factor about the world around me: gone done considerably. reading about the underground world: i realize humans stoop to low levels.. due to inability to control their behavior; cope with their insecurities; and see the undergroup anonoymous world as safe and secure, albeit shallow and dangerous

 

12) New Worlds

 

• new social groups in my new city: young gay group; religious group;
• dates... learning how to navigate
• a sense of humor; a willingness to share; more embracing.
• a drive to self-reflect even more so about my journey
• the crazy culture of Craigs List.. and other online experiences. navigate? is it worth it?
• the prevalent selfish shallow world of most gay men.. is exhausting, and can create hopelessness.
• men are horny, and i can now empathize with the challenge of women finding decent guys... i feel like i 'am' a woman, in a way.. seeking out a good man.
• feelings of freedom; elation; excitement... new avenues and hope.  

 

13) Learning how to mourn the loss of my previous life.

 

• mourning the loss of what I thought my previous life would bring me
• letting go an illusory life that was not a good fit
• paradigm shift: new expectations; new creative ways to thinking.
• being in a minority; and needing new skill set to navigate, stay safe, stay centered.
• strengthen my ability to cope with losses. 
• my previous life was so littered with deep insecurities, it manifested itself in other behaviors which led to dysfunctional relationships, irrational fears, and unhealthy lifestyles.

14) Philosophical Conversations

 

• what is love
• the morality of homosexuality, masterbation, and alternative lifestyles
• the constraints and freedoms of religion
• the spiritual nature of sexuality; and getting in touch with one's center
• observations about human nature: what spurs lonliness; loss; sexual urges
• the etiology of sexual orientation: what causes it? why do some people learn earlier, accept earlier or later than others?
• human nature: the shades of orientation and behavior apply to heterosexuals and homosexuals
• understanding why humans fall into traps of alcohol, sex, and drugs... the insecurities and not knowing how to deal with them, it provides a temporary numbing and short-term coping...
• the phenoneon of impersonal, anonymous interactions: how this changes the timbre, the tone, and dignity of conversations that would otherwise be different, or non-existant when in person.

15) How my growth in Catholicism contributed to my growth as a gay man

• skills in prayer/meditation/
• poetry writing
• identifying my needs in concise fashion
• identifying my emotions.
• crystallizing who I really was, whoI am, and who I'm meant to be.
• a framework of self-reflection which led to a discovery of myself goiing against the very beilef system from which I learned to discover myself...
• voracious reading of Henri Nouwen; and his spiritual guidance books..  

 

16) The Need for Networking

 

• dating is difficult in both hetero and homo
• weeding out the bad apples: takes discernment, perception; creativity, and hanging on to your own morals
• selling yourself: playing the game. is it worth it? is this the only way? how do you do it? am i immoral and selfish if I do play the game? is this the only way?

 

17) Things paying off

• meaningful friendships forming.. from various avenues.
• listening to my gut is paying off.
• sense of humor; and self-awareness keeps me sane.
• things getting better; reaching out; confidence emanates to other parts of my life..
• an 'ease' of living my life previously unknown; livning my life in less anxious 'tone'.. resulting in a healthier being, soul, and way of life.
• less homophobic; more open minded
• easier to accept myself; and accept others
• easier to come out.

The Trial and Error of Self-Promotion

Well... some of my ads on CL actually work. I posted on the platonic section that I'm seeking out bisexual/gay/artsy/masculine dudes in their 20-30's for friendships and maybe more; and have gotten quite a few responses from some potentially quality guys leading to dates. We'll see what happens. I'm learning that 'getting myself out there' in the gay world means embracing shameless self-promotion in order to scream to get somebody's attention. Do I have to play this game in order to get a date? I'm not sure.  I don't want to put too much energy into this, but in some ways... I need to conform in order to penetrate (pun unintended) the inner circle.

Speaking of puns, I always thought it was funny to think... if somebody asked me about how it was to be gay, I would say "Well, it's a pain in the ass... and well, frankly, it can suck sometimes"...

Haahaaahaaa. Go figure, the pun fits right in... Love it!

I Really Want To Take This Blog a Few Steps Further....... Publish....

I want to take sections of this blog and publish.... but I'm overwhelmed by so many of the themes presented, I would not even know where to begin. How to I begin to sort through? What would my book be called? What would be the goal of my book? I think that is where I would need to begin. First, skimming through the whole blog; and becoming familiar again with the emerging themes.. this will speak to what the 'goal' of my book would be. Also, would I write the book with a pen-name, or my real name? Most likely a pen-name; and then I would share the book with people I did know as I felt comfortable. I mean, I read back to some of the insights, emotions,,, I have experienced, and it's pretty unbelievable to see all that I have been through.. all of my thought processes, my worries, my ups and downs, my hopes, my insights, my dreams, my insecurities, my misconceptions, my homophobia, my unfounded fears, my prejudices, stereotypes, my own transgressions....  I feel like I need to tell my story, but how do I get a handle on so much diverse material? Maybe the first thing I can do is go through my blog and chart the main 'themes' of what is being presented... themes that would be common to many guys my age coming out.... .. then go from there.. I think that maybe the book would have to be a reflection of the reflections... as opposed to putting them straight into the book. The passages would need to be quoted examples of what I am trying to portray. The book would be a 'in retrospect'.....  I'm not sure who I would contact first about this idea.. but I think I could put a lot of my energies spent on worrying about my lack of dating... into working on a project like this which would not only give 'closure' to my situation, but also provide hope for others, as well as educate others about the plights of a gay man in a society in which we live... a guy who nobody would have suspected... and all of the thoughts and tribulations, that have been experienced, the frustrations, and how to figure out and make heads and tails of each situation.... nobody seems to understand how difficult it is to be gay.. and the forces of society tugging at us in all directions, and we must be strong enough to be ourselves and be OK with it. The number and the type of emotional struggles and worries I have had have been countless. I wish I could write a book that explains how difficult it is to be gay and come out....

1 Year Ago........ A Reflection

Diffusion of Gayness: From January 2, 2010

It is those same familiar feelings, repeating, and getting stronger, as I identify more with my sexual orientation. When I meet a new guy friend that I find attractive, I get those butterflies in my stomach, feeling like a kid again, wanting to be noticed, wanting to become best friends, and see what happens. God damn it. It happens every fucking time.

• Why am I angry about it? 
• Why am I frustrated? 
• Why can't I just accept that I am sexually attracted to certain men?

I was at a Catholic wedding tonight...of an acquaintance from what I refer to as my "previous life", of immersing myself into Catholicism: Bible studies; nightly prayer; memorization of Scripture verses. It was such an odd juxtaposition..... like peering back into my old life. So many questions left unanswered:

• Why was I trying so hard to be connected to that traditional form of love within the structure of a Catholic relationship? 
• Why could I not recognize in the midst of my relationship that I was uncomfortable with my girlfriend? 
• Why did I keep clinging to that ritualistic way of Catholic life that I ascribed to for so long? 
• Why do I now feel that I was talking myself into those beliefs? 
• Why am I questioning the bedrock of my religious and spiritual values, those which re-emerged during my rediscovery of my Catholicism?
• Why do my feelings of faith and spirituality feel less strong now, compared to then? 
• By questioning the value of my previous habits of prayer and meditation, do I reject core beliefs of my Christian faith? 

Despite my struggles, I felt a sense of peace at the wedding. I did not mind being by myself. I was perfectly content, but at the same time, a bit melancholy about how I feel different around other people... how I harbor this difference in my soul that will most likely prevent me from living this traditional life. These traditional lives are portrayed as a story-book. I rationalized to myself that despite this image, that I would most likely not feel comfortable forcing myself into love with a woman, only to again, push down that inner curiosity of being with a man. I long for that deep, masculine connection of brotherhood and love, which may only be fully realized in a homosexual relationship.

Compared to past weddings when I would fantasize about my own future wedding, in today's wedding I had more realistic, bittersweet, and melancholic feelings. Today I did not think about my own future wedding. Today, I wondered why homosexuals cannot declare the sanctity of their love, publicly, in a house of worship. Today, I wondered whether homosexuality is a choice, or whether it is pre-determined. Today, I tried to let go of my clinging to my past, and tried to feel grateful for my relationship with God, and the feelings that I have identified and reconciled within my heart, spirit, and soul. Today, I felt able to celebrate that a marriage between a husband and a wife is one of many ways to express and carry out God's plan for us.  Perhaps that is not in my deck of cards, to get married to a woman.  Perhaps I can better serve the world, my family, my friends, and my career, by being single. Perhaps I can better nurture friendships as a single man, as I already know I do well.

As I ponder these questions, to overarching questions about my sexuality pervade in my mind:

• Why Do I Have To Be The Way That I Am?
• Am I Truly The Way I Think I Am?

All I know is that the more I experience interactions with attractive, smart, and witty males, what returns is that old familiar sense of longing for a deep emotional intimate relationship.  Furthermore, the more I embrace this quality about myself, the more I accept this quality, allowing it to diffuse into my being.  In the past, I may have shoved these feelings away in shame, an unhealthy repression that led to ongoing guilt and confusion. But now, instead of shoving away, I try to dive into the feeling and explore it.  Additionally, I use these familiar emotions as a way to guide my path and identify my own truths.

How Does One Cut to the Chase In a Man-Eat-Man World?

Does creativity come out of desperation or frustration? It's coming to the point of absolute absurdity and ridiculousness.  Last night, I kissed a guy who was (supposedly) bi-sexual, and realized how gay I really am, and how much I really like being who I am. It felt good... to be touched, and want to be kissed. So, of course now I'm all on this kick and excited to find dates... and then find myself scurrying around again on the only venue available to most normal gay guys in the city: Match.com and Craigslist. And so I start again.... but this time, I want to be bolder and to the point.. maybe I have to play the game better with respect to 'selling myself'.... listing my interests, hobbies, etc...... being more bold in describing who I really am, and what makes me tick.  I'm really not sure how else to do it. It seems ridiculous that there is no venue to meet guys apart from gay bars, and to rely upon CL and Match.com... one needs to be able to prove you are a catch within a 10 second glance at your photo or profile, or you get passed by. So, i'm not sure what to do... Go all out and get some good photos made; list my interests; actually spend more than 2 minutes on my profile? How do I cut to the chase? Indeed this is the issue.